It doesn’t matter at all that I already knew the answer was no; it makes no difference whatsoever that I have a full military installment complete with camouflage suits and nonoxynol-9 laced grenades and barbed-wire fences and little interest at all in the Geneva Convention stationed at my cervix. It’s guerrilla warfare they’re waging, keeping my borders safe. No sir-ee; you watch me sit for over a week with chemotherapy nausea, and you will watch me totally convince myself that I am pregnant.
I have a routine for this sort of thing:
- Suspect that I am pregnant
- Sit for a few weeks in complete denial (while throwing up and watching my boobs apply for their own time zones)
- Get a test at closest market in the middle of the night
- Take test in closest bathroom (I took 1of3’s in the bathroom of a Ruby Tuesday’s; home was just too far {a whole MILE away} to wait)
- Confirm suspicions
- Smoke a pack of cigarettes right then and there
- Quit smoking, but pretend to keep smoking to remove any suspicions from home
- Freak the fuck out for several days/weeks/months
- Tell Josh right about the time I’m starting to show
This time I thought I’d do it a little differently. I told Josh I was worried, to which he said, “Hmmm”, and I made him go buy me a test. That’s more fun than sending them off for tampons, I tell ya. And, of course, I’m not.
And I’m out $15 bucks.
And, of course, I am totally convinced that I have a tapeworm or something. Seriously, I never get nauseous.
And surprisingly enough, even though I know it would be the single dumbest thing I may ever have done in my life, I am slightly disappointed. Why, I will never know. I just am.
Diane
Wednesday, 29 August, 2007 at 3:05The mere possibility always freaked the heck out of me.
Glad your not pregnant even though you seem to have mixed emotions. I could see you with another child or two. You just seem to savor every moment and I feel you’d make it work.
DMM
Wednesday, 29 August, 2007 at 12:57I think every female goes thru this. I was going in for shoulder surgery and was freaking out before thinking I’m pregnant even though I had a tubal 6 months ago.
When the nurse came in and said we took a pregnancy test and it’s negative I smiled and thought well of course it is or my OBGYN is getting an ear full.