An open letter to Mr. Lady
From: Her hair follicles.
CC: Her skin
Date: 28 Nov 07

Dear Mr Lady,

What exactly is wrong with you? We’ve been working together for 32 3/4 years now, and so far, there have been few incidents. We have fulfilled our end of the deal with you; you have luscious, full hair, that isn’t a terrible color and grows like a weed. You’re welcome. We have worked very hard to take all of those Ding Dongs and Coffee Ice Cream treats and turn them into something that we can work with. You’re welcome. You haven’t exactly made this easy on us, but we have never complained. Yeah, we did give you a little gap in your left eyebrow, but dude, you so had that coming. Maybe if you didn’t own 3 pairs of tweezers, we’d consider closing that gap for you. Bygones.

We feel it’s time to remind you that nothing comes for free in this world. We sat back silently as you cut us, tweezed us, dyed us, did this shit to us:and now we’re fighting back. You have officially crossed the line. The price you pay for that awesome head of hair is this; we will grow wherever we damn well choose, and you will deal with it. Can’t handle a few little hairs around your belly button? Not. Our. Problem.

What is comes down to is this…yesterday, that thing you did in the bathroom with the hot wax? That means war. Do you not realize that the hair we grow on your upper lip is delicate? It’s like our babies. And you murdered them. You ripped them out AT THEIR ROOTS and we can’t ever get them back. We are devastated and we will get you for this. It may take us a few weeks, but we’re sending new ones in. We suggest you leave them alone.

We appreciate that you don’t have either a degree in biology or esthetics, in fact, we know your lazy, drunk ass never even went to college. Allow us to explain something to you; we grow on your lip for a reason. For your protection. We grow on your eyelids and in your nose for the same damned reason. Mother Nature is not one to be toyed with.

Are you aware that they used hot wax as a form of torture in the Spanish Inquisition (no one expects it, you know)? It is considered inhumane. Cruel. AND unusual. This isn’t Guantanamo Bay, toots.

Your punishment for this most unspeakable offense is that we have spoken to the skin, and we’re going to make you burn. And then the skin is going to get all dry. Dry, and splotchy. You’re going to look like you have a really bad sunburn, maybe even chicken pox, for at least THREE days. It’s going to itch. It’s going to sting. And don’t think we overlooked the Great Chin-hair Massacre of 2007, either. We noticed, and now you will, too. Your mother and her mother and her mother, too, all had the same 3 hairs growing out of their chins that you do. You don’t see them running around ripping those hairs out, do yah? Sure, none of them have been laid since Juice Newton was in the top 40, but we’re not the reproductive system, so we care not.

And we swear to god on high, if you so much as think about using that wax anywhere south of our equator, we’re going medieval on your ass. Don’t try us. You wouldn’t like us when we’re angry.

Sincerely,

Your Follicles.