Jan 23 2008
Be mine
It’s almost that time again. Valentine’s Day. Could they have invented a stupider holiday, really? Anyway, in my house, Valentine’s Day doesn’t really happen. SOMEONE has a job that (lucky for him) forces him to work awwwl night long that night, and the kids and I eat chocolate dipped chocolate for dinner and then I drown my sorrows in a bottle of Johny Depp. It’s alright; I’m used to it. But this year I want a Valentine, god damn it. There is no way I’ll win The Retropolitan’s contest (bastard riggs it against me every stinking year) and so I thought I’d open it up to you all.
Would you like to be MY Valentine? I’ll understand if you decide to just go be Retro’s (he’s much cooler than I am) but if you think you’d like the job, you could have it in only a few, easy steps.
Below is a short questionnaire. Simply fill in the blanks. It’s like Mad Libs for booty. Leave an ANONYMOUS comment* with your answers, and I will announce the top three** winning answers on February 1st.
There are no wrong answers here, kids. It’s even ok if you don’t fill in all the questions; I’m all about quality over quantity***.
The mostest awesomest three answers win my undying affection, a virtual smooch, and one rockin’ Valentine’s Day mix courtesy of Bit Torrent very legal iTunes downloads.
“Do you like ___________ and getting _________________?”
“I would _____________ - I’d ____________, Walk the wire for you - ya I’d ___________.”
“I wanna _________________on the mountains, until the _____________________.”
“I swear that I can ____________ in your ____________.”
“What about ____, don’t you want someone to ______________?”
And last but oh, no, not least:
“You’re here in my _____, and my ____ will ____________.”
*I like to play fair. Not-anonymous answers will not be counted, no matter how freaking cool they are.
**Yes, three. I would like 3 Valentine’s. I need one for the 5:30-7:30 shift, the awkward, sober happy hour date. I need one for the 8-10 shift, the dinner and champagne in stilettos. I also require one for the 10:30 until god-knows-when shift, the “I’m gonna hate myself in the morning for this one” date. The CD’s awarded will correspond appropriately.
***The line that was GOING to go there? You’d disown me for it. Just sayin’.
Comments close after 5 days. Because Spam sucks. 43 Comments to “Be mine”
So, um, stupid question here…if you want the answers to be ANONYMOUS, how will you know who your Valentines ARE?
(P.S. I really think you should just BOOKMARK me so you don’t almost make that FATAL MISTAKE again!!)
Okay. Awesome idea. How long do we have? I need to complete this with a drink in my hand. Somehow, I am funnier on wine.
BTW… you are tagged because you rock!
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Can we submit in more than one category? Or more than one entry at all? Just wondering…
LOL! Hope you find your valentine!
It’s not celebrated in our house either.
Come to think of it, I don’t think I’m going to play because you’re not offering up underwear or naked pictures this time.
Also, apparently I’z too dum to figure out your blogroll comment. Huh?
“Do you like __ pina colonics _________ and getting _ caught in the rain ________________?”
“I would __ eat a jalepeno ___________ - I’d ___ stuff it up your butt _________, Walk the wire for you - ya I’d ___ trip on that wire, fall, and give myself a real bad metal wedgie ________.”
“I wanna ___ park illegally ______________on the mountains, until the __ police make me stop and threaten to write me a ticket for mountain parking ___________________.”
“I swear that I can __ get rid of that embarrassing odor __________ in your ___ fridge _________.”
“What about _ binge drinking ___, don’t you want someone to ___ hold your hair for you when you puuuuukke ___________?”
And last but oh, no, not least:
“You’re here in my __ pocket like some lint left over from the dryer ___, and my __ fingers __ will ____ revel in your fuzziness while I’m standing in the checkoutline ________.”
OK, I’m creeped out by my own comment! It didn’t look so freaky when I was doing it!
“Do you like green eggs and ham and getting colonics?
“I would pick your nose for you I’d wash your clothes_for you, Walk the wire for you - ya I’d change your flat tire for you.”
“I wanna have sex_on the mountains, until the hillbillies come home.”
“I swear that I can piss in your cheerios
This is a riot. I’ll think on this and get back to you.
“Do you like bubble baths that are really too hot for most humans and getting wet
“Do you like experimenting(scientifically) and getting sweet revenge on all those who wronged you in junior high/lacked the vision of your genius and stopped your funding/just piss you off in general?”
“I would walk five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door. Da dah da(da dah da), da dah da(da dah da), dum ditty dum ditty dum ditty da da da da dah.”
“I wanna tell you bad jokes on the mountains, until the milk squirts from your nose.”
“I swear that I can put my Scylla in your Charybdis.”
“What about hygiene, don’t you want someone to wash your hair?”
And last but oh, no, not least:
“You’re here in my head, and my doctors will not sign the release forms.”
For your stoopid readers who don’t know jack and can only figure out what two of these are *supposed* to be, maybe you could tell us what the original songs are. (I know, I’m really stoopid but pleeze).
“Do you like whiskey in your sippie cup and getting it to go?”
“I would hold the container - I’d even give you a swig, Walk the wire for you - ya I’d drink with you.”
“I wanna dance on the mountains, until the they turn into fields of sweet organic grass.”
“I swear that I can laugh and love and learn in your presence dear lady.”
“What about everyone else that contributes to this prose, don’t you want someone to say I’m the best? I am!”
And last but oh, no, not least:
“You’re here in my whiskey state of mind and my fullness of my sippie cup will be determined of us.”
Wow. I suck. How come I suck BIG time and everyone else is so cute about it. How will you ever tell who is who?
This ANON thing rocks. I did mine hours ago and I have to say, mine is the BEST! I should ANON things more often, yes? MWAH!
Marlee, I will post the winning entries and you, my honest, pretty readers, will lay claim to your own.
Anon…Telling you the song titles will in every way take the fun out of the game. Make it up. You’re clever. ;)
Do you like moonlight sonadas and getting laid on a train?”
“I would pluck for you - I’d shave for you, Walk the wire for you - ya I’d wax for you.”
“I wanna yodel with you on the mountains, until the mountain goats go insane.”
“I swear that I can censored in your censored.”
“What about the cheese, don’t you want someone to keep it for you?”
And last but oh, no, not least:
“You’re here in my computer, and my blogroll will never be the same.”
Ugh, you’re killing me. Thank god for Google and a ton of lyric websites. :P
Let’s see if I can do this and think romantic!
“Do you like champagne and getting cuddling by the fire?”
“I would write a song - I’d tell the world, Walk the wire for you - ya I’d even massage your feet.”
“I wanna dance on the mountains, until the cows come home.” — yeah, I dunno… but it sounds good, doesn’t it?
“I swear that I can sing in your shower.” — I’m swiftly feeling the affects of my chick beer… is it obvious?
“What about romance, don’t you want someone to hold you close?”
“You’re here in my blog, and my stats will rejoice.”
*dies laughing* Some of these are really great! Awesome idea!
the anti-valentine:
Do you like to do laundry and getting to iron it and put it away afterwards?
I would stay up to talk to you - I’d rather get some sleep, Walk the wire for you - ya know, I’d probably just grab a cup of coffee on the way there and then meet up with that guy I went golfing with that time? You know him, his wife is that drop-dead gorgeous 25 year old with the huge…personality.
I wanna buy some real estate on the mountains, until the olympics come and then make a killing in rental income.
I swear that I can never understand what is going on in your brain. (aka - the why do you need 101 pairs of shoes? lecture)
What about my poker game at Larry’s, don’t you want someone to leave you alone, so you can clean the house in peace?”
And last but oh, no, not least:
You’re here in my medical contact form, and my doctor or boss will call you if I ever have a heart attack on the job.
“Do you like chocolate and getting to laugh so hard you cry?”
“I would watch your kids so you could pee in peace- I’d do the dishes (maybe), Walk the wire for you - ya I’d bring chocolate chip cookies as well.”
“I wanna laugh on the mountains, until I fall off and hurt myself.”
“I swear that I can make cheesecake in your kitchen.”
“What about sex?, don’t you want someone to rub your feet instead?”
And last but oh, no, not least:
“You’re here in my computer, and my sides will hurt from laughing so hard.”
“Do you like spending a lifetime with me building a life of funny and memorable memories and getting little credit for running our household and taking care of our family
“Do you like shoes, chocolate and kids? Cause we can have all that and much more. A life together we will make and what fun and joy we would have. Excitement and passion will be on the forefront when we
“Do you like leather and lace and getting a slight spanking?”
“I would rock your world into the dawn over and over again until you told me to stop
“Do you like celebrity gossip and getting your People Magazine in the mail?”
“I would share my copy - I’d let you read it first, Walk the wire for you - ya I’d let you get it out of the mailbox.”
“I wanna read TMZ.com on the mountains, until the paps leave Britney alone.”
“I swear that I can whisper sweet celebrity news in your ear, all night long.”
“What about US, don’t you want someone to pick up a copy of that for you, too?”
And last but oh, no, not least:
“You’re here in my subscription, and my gossip will always be your gossip.”
The TMZ one I thought was an interesting twist to everyone else’s take on it.
Whats with Anonymous being so shy???
I don’t want to sway the judge. Is this one yours?
I figure we can chat about these in detail once Mr. Lady picks the winners.
I wish I was as tongue and cheek on some of these as they were funny and quite creative.
“Do you like me and getting married?”
“I would prefer if you did - I’d be a good companion, Walk the wire for you - ya I’d be your everything.”
“I wanna stay on the mountains, until the snow melts.”
“I swear that I can live in your heart.”
“What about herpes, don’t you want someone to love?”
“You’re here in my place, and my breakout will infect you.”
“Do you like bean-filled frittatas and getting caught in my reins?”
“I would bite for you, I’d touch eyes for you. Walk the wire for you, ya I’d eat pie for you.”
“I wanna hear a band with you on the mountains, until the lice falls down on me.”
“I swear that I can see sevens in your thighs.”
“What about Dove? Don’t you want someone to Nair you too?”
“You’re here in my cart, and my farts will go on and on.”
Do you like yes and getting no?
I’m a big fan of clean filth. There are just so many possibilities…
Literary:
I swear that I can Grapes of Wrath in your Great Expectations.
Epic:
I swear that I can Iliad in your Odyssey.
Tech:
I swear that I can pwn in your w00t.
Political:
I swear that I can caucus in your filibuster.
Geographic:
I swear that I can Intercourse, PA in your Grand Canyon.
Shakespearian:
I swear that I can All’s Well That Ends Well in your Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Reese’s:
I swear that I can peanut butter in your chocolate.
Pythonesque:
I swear that I can Ni! in your shrubbery.
I swear that I can taunt you a second time in your killer rabbit.
I swear that I can spamalot in your something completely different.
Mathematic:
I swear that I can long divide in your 3.14159…
It’s like crack… I’d better stop before…
Hitchcock:
I swear that I can North by Northwest in your Psycho.
Indiana Jones:
I swear that I can raid the lost ark in your temple of doom.
Ghostbusters:
I swear that I can shoot my proton pack in your slimer.
I swear that I can Keymaster in your Gatekeeper.
Tabloid Magazines:
I swear that I can OK! in your US Weekly.
24 Hour News:
I swear that I can CNN in your FOX News.
Tolkien:
I swear that I can Bilbo in your Nazgul.
Tron:
I swear that I can insert my identity disk in your MCP.
Animainiacs:
I swear that I can Yakko and Wakko in your Dot.
I swear that I can Pinky in your Brain.
Peyo:
I swear that I can smurf in your smurf.
You: So, er, how have the last 16 years treated you?
Me: errrr…
Yeah. I’m totally your awkward happy hour date, and there’s nothing you can do to convince me otherwise.
“Do you like eating Jello with chopsticks and getting kicked out of cheap Chinese buffet restaurants?”
“I would tickle you - I’d make scratch pickles for you, Walk the wire for you - ya I’d write bad rhymes for you.”
“I wanna watch the shadows of clouds move on the mountains, until the bunnies with long pointy teeth show up.”
“I swear that I can rearrange the furniture in your home to make it look like a showhome.”
“What about blurry photos, don’t you want someone to take blurry, uh, artsy photos so that you have something to remind you of our wonderful date?”
And last but oh, no, not least:
“You’re here in my dirty laundry hamper, and my bargain detergent will make you clean.”
when’s the cut off? what’s the deadline? When will the winners be selected?
[...] (Click
Here’s the awkward cocktails attempt. Imagine I
Do you like the Wiggles and getting into the big red car?
I would make you fruit salad
“Do you like _____lurkers_____ and getting _stalked________________?”
“I would __watch cheesy flicks with you___________ - I’d _be happy to pickup the drinks________, Walk the wire for you - ya I’d ___cook for you once and hopefully, you’d live__________.”
“I wanna __________hang out_______on the mountains, until the __snow melts or we hurt ourselves___________________.”
“I swear that I can __be a friendly ear__________ in your __blog comments__________.”
“What about ___it, is the third try lucky___, don’t you want someone to _____win_________?”
And last but oh, no, not least:
“You’re here in my _blog roll____, and my __friend__ will _________you just pick 3 winners already___.”