A whole lot of words to say I can’t find any

I have been writing this post for months.

It just won’t come. Let’s see….you know how sometimes, you know you just have to have something? Something, like, oh, a hoagie. The hoagie. You’ve had a hoagie before, and they’re always good, but you know that somewhere out there is the hoagie. You look in all the right places; on South Street, near the Vet, at every place that sound Italian, like DiCostanza’s and Anthony’s and Luigi’s, you search high and low and you just never can seem to find it. And then one day, for no particular reason, you stop on the most unstoppable little alley on Philadelphia Pike to run into the bank and totally by accident, when you least expect it, bam. There it is. It’s called something obnoxiously simple like Claymont Sub Shop and it is the answer to all your prayers.

You know, at this point, that you will never, ever give up on it. No matter how far away you go, you will never replace it. It’s the one.

I just compared my best friend to a hoagie. Someone shoot me.

Today, my one, my perfect thing, celebrates her birthday. I have a hard time with her birthday post every year because I am so tangled up in a web of emotions about her, and it gets hard to pull one out and talk about it. This year is the hardest by far, simply because the one single thing I want more than any single thing in this world is to sit on her porch with a beer and an ashtray and diddle away her birthday with her. And I can’t. And it sucks.

I have known a lot of people in my life, and have made more friends and acquaintances than I could ever begin to count, but of all of the relationships that I have forged in my 32 years, only a very, very small few have stood the test of time. The distance. The constant motion of life.

She is one of them.

She is my forever, like it or not. She came into my life totally by accident. She stayed in my life only by proximity. She grew inside my life quietly and subtly and gracefully, as she does all things in her life. I have never, ever known a person like her before. She is beauty and strength and wisdom and compassion all wrapped up in a neat little package. She does not do lightly. She’s an all or nothing kind of girl, and that may be her most admirable trait.

She is honestly the baddess bad-ass I have ever met.

I have no idea, at all, why she is still here with me, all these years later. She has seen me through the absolute lowest low point in my life, a place that cost me the majority of my most valued relationships, and she never faltered from my side. She held my hand when it was needed, she knocked me in the head when that was needed, she guided me at every turn, even when I didn’t know it was happening.

You know what I bring to the table in this relationship? Nothing at all, that’s what.

I did nothing to deserve her, I do nothing to deserve her. I moved 1400 miles away from her, where I cannot share the first milestones in her life since we have known each other. She just celebrated her 40th wedding anniversary, and guess who wasn’t there? She will become a grandmother any minute now, and guess who will be able to call her and say congrats, but will in no way be able to snap the pictures of her and her daughter and her daughter, like a good friend should? Me, that’s who.

But I can tell you this. No matter where I go, no matter how long I’m gone, no matter what I do or who I meet, nothing will ever even come close to taking her place in my heart. She is my one, and I looked for her for a very long time. She changed the direction of my life, simply by being. There is no, “I love her like a…” I just love her, totally, fully, without condition or pretense. I love her in the way I never believed people could love each other.

She makes me believe in something.

So, my dearest Gigi, if you even read this, just know that, though I am not there, that I am so there. I am there every day and I always will be. I have never had an honor more great than being your friend, and I can’t imagine I ever will again. You are not just anyone, and you cannot be replaced by just anyone. You are the only you, in the world, in the lives of those who love you. You are my blessing and my reward and what makes it all make sense. I wouldn’t change one stinking step of the past 32 years of my life, because each road I walked brought me straight to you.

Thank you. For you. For everything. Someday, I will find the right words to tell you what you have done for me. Until then, just Happy Birthday, from my whole heart.

Complaint Department

  • Maria


    That is the sweetest thing I’ve read in a long time. I can feel the love you have for her – and I know she can too. :)

    Maria’s last blog post..It Never Ends…

  • Diane


    WOW. Sometimes, your simply amazing. That was something special. I hope your friend has a great birthday.

    Diane’s last blog post..My take on MY Colorado Caucus

  • zoeyjane


    aw. simply, aw and also awe.

    zoeyjane’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Pudding Paints + Mopping=Sugarhigh

  • Katherine


    I doubt you bring nothing to the relationship. If someone that special loves you (and you know it), it says a lot about how great you are, don’t you think? Pretty amazing, huh?

    Katherine’s last blog post..How You?

  • Veronica


    This is beautiful.

    Happy Birthday!

    Veronica’s last blog post..Jellybaby Porn, A Love Story

  • Kay


    That was beautifully put. I lost my best friend to a freak heart condition nearly 2 years ago at the young age of 32. I say cherish any time anyone has with your bestest of friends. Life is too short.

    Kay’s last blog post..And the cursor goes blink a blink a blink blinky blink blink a blink a blink..

  • kelly


    You are a poet.

    I’m sorry you can’t be with your best friend today. Wishing you a plane ticket to see her soon.

    Hugs!

    kelly’s last blog post..I’ll Love Ya If You Let Me

  • molly_g


    Happy Birthday S! I love you too!

    molly_g’s last blog post..Effectively Nudged.

  • ohmommy


    You found words, that I could never find. This is a beautiful tribute to what sounds like a beautiful person. Both of you… an inspiration. Happy birthday.

    ohmommy’s last blog post..Beemster Cheese

  • Anglophile Football Fanatic


    I don’t even think my hubby loves me that much. I know she gets how much you love her.

    Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..WW: Man I’m Gorgeous!

  • Kim


    That was beautiful.. your are both very lucky to have one another. If you feel this way about her.. there is NO doubt she loves you to pieces.

    so you are funny, witty and now I see a totally different awesome side.. the stalking has just been turned up a notch!

    Kim’s last blog post..Project365/4A&4B

  • melissa


    you never cease to amaze, chicky!!
    that was awesome! i don’t think i’ve ever felt that way about anyone…(not including my kids, of course…just clarifying!). that is wonderful that you have someone like that, in your life. and…i guarantee that you are underestimating yourself because, if you brought nothing into the relationship…there would, most likely, not be a relationship!
    so…happy birthday to someone who sounds like she has taken very good care of our mr. lady!!!
    xoxo

  • Tracie


    That was amazing and your friend is also very lucky to have you in their life. Finding those special people who touch your life and change you for the better is rare and special. You have expressed the most amazing emotion in the most moving way. Thank you.

    Tracie’s last blog post..Yes we can

  • aschoolyardblogger


    Dear My Mister Lady,

    Katherine has it right.

    You came into my life when I wasn

  • amy


    Oh I was going to say how much of a beautiful tribute that was and then I just read her comment… WOW!! This friendship is one for ages, and you are both so lucky to have this!

    amy’s last blog post..Making an appointment

  • Secret Agent Mama


    This post was mint and if it could get more mint it did, when Gigi responded!

    Mr. Lady is eloquent with her words and deep with her love.

    Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..love thursday

  • Natalie


    That was absolutely beautiful.

    I have found such a friend, my once in a lifetime friend, too. She happens to be 20 years older than me. I understand how you feel. I feel I give her nothing and she gives me everything, and somehow it works. I totally know this friendship and how lucky we are to have it. You put it so beautifully that it made me cry.

    Happy birthday to your wonderful friend.

  • janet


    this post and your friend’s response are perfect.

    they say it all and more.

    i know, because i also have found my “one” — my bff is everything for me that gigi is for you. and how fortunate for all of us!

    janet’s last blog post..From me to him … with all my love

  • Latte Mommy


    Wow. Reading your beautiful tribute, and Gigi’s touching response, makes me feel a little bit like I’ve snooped into someone’s diary, or walked in on a moment of intimacy. I feel like a voyeur. However, I’m touched by the depth of your feeling for one another, and for the dedication you both feel to what is clearly a once-in-a-lifetime relationship.

    Happy Birthday, Gigi. Thanks for being such a fantastic friend to Mr. Lady. We all love her.

    Latte Mommy’s last blog post..Silver Linings

  • calicobebop


    It is wonderful to read a heartfelt dedication to a good friend. Where would we be without our support system and fun buddy? You’re very blessed!

    calicobebop’s last blog post..Happy Commercialized Love Holiday!

  • Darla


    You write the most amazing posts!! That was wonderful to read!!

    Darla’s last blog post..Worst Day E V E R and what $150 will get you

  • Penelope Anne


    This darling is a beautiful, well produced post and tribute, and mailing this would be a great idea.

    Penelope Anne’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen #20 ~ The Love of my Life

  • Momo Fali


    This is beautiful! Now I have to go fix my eye makeup.

    Momo Fali’s last blog post..Oprah Cliffs Notes

  • hubs


    don’t discount yourself.

    hubs’s last blog post..Goodbye

  • Ricardo


    Not common to have a friend that stands the test of time like this. You are VERY lucky. I have none in this category. Hold onto her. This is something special.

    Ricardo’s last blog post..Matchmaker, Matchmaker: The Yentas are After Me.

  • Jenty


    That is so lovely. Happy birthday to your friend.

    Jenty’s last blog post..Party at home

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