Everything you never wanted to know about my boobs

If you want to read about the 27 3/4 months I spent as a hotel, you are more than welcome to go check them out here, here and here. Today, however, I would like to talk about the 25 months I spent as a restaurant.

Kid One: Born big and juicy and fat. Nursed like a rock star from the get go. He was the poster child for the La Leche League. My friend and I had our babies right at the same time, and both breast-fed, and we pumped together during the kids’ afternoon nap. Imagine, if you will, two cows at a dining room table. We could fill a table full of little baggies of milk in, like, 20 minutes. It was almost gross, we had so much milk. We made milk bags, milk ice-cubes, milk popsicles, everything.

My plan was to nurse for a year.

I worked, full time, when 1of3 was little. My husband also worked, just at night. We rotated night time feedings, him taking the 2-in-the-morning-ish one, because that’s when he got home from work. Our son couldn’t care less if he had a bottle or a boobie. They warned me that he’d prefer a bottle if we introduced it; they lied. He was cool with me, he was cool with dad. He was the best baby ever.

When he was about 5 months old, someone started stealing cash out of the basement office I worked in, so the management installed a video camera to try and catch the thief. The video camera went right over the safe, which was conveniently located right next to the only outlet in the whole basement. My choices were this: Pump on camera or stop pumping. Guess which one I chose. 1of3 took to formula right away. I think he preferred it, really. He was one of those babies that couldn’t handle dairy or broccoli or beans or eggs or almost anything I ate. Once we busted out some soy formula, his tummy felt much better. After a week or so of working all day, coming home, trying to pump solid, red boulders, and leaking all over my work shirts, I just threw in the towel. He couldn’t have cared less.

Kid Two: Born healthy and happy and itty bitty. Didn’t latch on quite as well. I mean, he was ok, it just wasn’t awesome, you know? And he totally preferred one boob. And he totally couldn’t (and still can’t) pay attention to anything for more than 32 seconds at a time. He’d be all, “Boobies!” and a second later he’d be all “Spot on the wall!” and then a second later he’d be all, “Nap!”

My plan was to nurse for a year.

Fucking snacker.

My milk ducts started to back up. I had to pump almost full time, because, see, he’s get my milk all flowing and then flat out refuse to nurse. Shit hurts, yo. Pumpedy pump pump pump. He would fuss with me, just a little, but almost every time he nursed. He never nursed for more than a minute or two on either boob, but for sure not on the right. This left me with one awesome DD boobie and one awesome C boobie. And the milk ducts eventually got totally blocked and totally infected.

My husband had no clue what I was talking about. The kid ate just fine for him. The kid never fussed for him. Grrr. One day, when 2of3 was 4 months old and particularly hideous, I said screw it. I said, ‘To hell with it, I’m giving this kid a bottle.’

He sucked down a 9 ounce bottle of formula in Less than a Minute.

The kid was starving. The kid hated nursing. I never, ever once tried to nurse him after that day. I pumped out the milk I had to in order to kill the pain and threw it out. He was perfect after that.

Kid Three: Born happy and healthy and little. Had a ton of complications at birth that got her one awesome night in the penthouse suite of the hospital, the NICU. Don’t think that bill didn’t make our head spin. But this was kid three. No one was giving her a bottle, damn it.

My plan was to nurse for a year.

The first day I got to have her with me, she nursed for 8 hours STRAIGHT. I am not exaggerating. She loved my boobies more than anyone ever has. I let her, because, well, she’d just spent the night in the NICU, and I was worried. In the next day or two, the doctors for some reason I can’t remember (she wasn’t pooping or peeing or some bullshit) told me I had to supplement her. Fuck you, I’m not giving her a bottle. No way.

And then Gigi and Auntie N came to visit. And then I realized that Auntie N giving her a bottle would be a fabulous way to bond. So, I caved, and her auntie got to give her a bottle. Which was so sweet I could have died. And that was the end of the bottles. I was full-time at home, so dad never needed to feed her. I didn’t ever leave her side, so she never really saw a bottle again.

Her first birthday came. By then I was so fucking over it, there are no words. Josh and I were split up and I wasn’t so keen on anyone touching me. This kid would not stop. She was eating ice cream and hot dogs and shit; there was no need to keep nursing her.

She had different ideas.

She nursed until she was, oh, god, 17 months or so. I have never been so ready to quit anything in my whole life.

To this very day, she is unnaturally drawn to my boobies. When she gets really upset, or really tired, she doesn’t want anything but to nuzzle in on my chest. I know she doesn’t remember why, but I also know that they are still her security blanket.

I said all of that to say this: Every kid is different. Every mom is different. Every experience anyone ever has nursing a child is different. Just look at me: same person, three totally different experiences. It doesn’t always work. And that is totally ok. What matters, in the end, is that the kid gets fed. Sometimes, it’s ok to quit. Sometimes, it’s important to quit. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something.

Ooops!

Loralee

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 11:26

The longest I was ever able to nurse was for 6 months. Not that I didn’t want to, I did. I tried my guts out.

If I have another? I’m not even going to try. And I am ok with that.

Loralee’s last blog post..Did you know sweet, little, old ladies can totally kick my ass? Because they CAN.

rachel

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 11:28

great post. I was blessed with both of them, but I’ve seen some friends go through hell.

rachel’s last blog post..Wam-Whosa?

janet

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 11:30

i actually nursed the roo-girl for an EMBARRASSINGLY long time. *excuse alert* i had my mitigating reasons of course. and please note that the embarrassment level is such that i did NOT write about THIS kid in my breastfeeding post today ;-)

janet’s last blog post..Not ME, but still MINE

Marge

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 11:32

Mr Lady’s human dairy manifesto!

Marge’s last blog post..Bizarro Monday

Natalie

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 11:36

Yes, it is okay to quit, that is for sure. This is coming from a woman who nursed her son let’s just say longer than 17 months, and oh yes, he is still drawn to them. If he gets upset, the first thing he tries to do is stick his arm down the little crevice in between. I can’t wait to tell his girlfriends. Mwahahahahahahahaha! I kid.

Sort of.

Darla

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 11:40

Great post. I nursed for 13 weeks. LM ate every hour on the hour for 45 minutes at a time. Then I had to go back to work full time – this girlie was not happy about getting up every hour on the hour for 45 minutes and then up for work.

So I stopped…:( and he was totally fine with it.

So ladies, yes it is okay to quit or not nurse at all. The kids will be fine!!

Darla’s last blog post..All I Have to say…

Jennifer

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 11:51

THANK YOU!!!!!!
I got the lecture from my mother-in-law when I stopped breast feeding at 6 months. And when that didn’t seem to generate any guilt from me, she decided to sympathize with me. She would talk about how sad it was that I had to stop so soon since I was working full time and didn’t really have a dependable place to go and pump.
Honestly, I was glad to stop lugging around a pair of double D’s that got stares in public. I wasn’t built for a pair that size so people assumed I had seen a surgeon for them and so it was therefore acceptable to stare. There were times I was tempted to lift up my shirt and squirt them in the eye. I’m very happy with non-attention getting A’s thank you very much.

Jennifer’s last blog post..Incredibly Girlie Squeeeeeel Moment!

Shannon

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 11:56

Amen. Oh and AMMMMMMEEEENNN! Also. A-effing-MEN.

I had two very different experiences also. I wish I would have read this post before my first baby was born. Maybe I wouldn’t have wanted to quit every effing day for two months but not have felt free to do so. In the end I was glad I stuck with it, but maybe I wouldn’t have gone completely PPD if I hadn’t been so hard on myself.

I toootally remember what that letdown feels like when they refuse to nurse. OWOWOOOOWWWWW! My first had colic which looked like this: nursenursenursenuse…screeeeeaming! My second had colic which looked like this: nurse-SCREAMSCREAMSCREAMSCREAM-OH LOOK BOOBS-nursenursenurse…COMMENCE MORE SCREAMING!

Ok, this is a post in itself. Short version: YOu are soooo sooooooo right. :)

Shannon’s last blog post..Seven is the new six

Carrie

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 11:57

What a great post! Thanks for sharing your experiences. I am still nursing my 2 1/2 year old, but only at night. I swear I am going to be following him to college. Maybe he’ll get a girlfriend with big boobs and finally leave me alone. Everyone told me I was crazy to day wean before night weaning, but it has really worked for us. He’s always HATED sleeping, but now he willingly goes to bed at 7:30. He starts giggling madly about boo-boo time and jumps in bed. It is so awesome to have the night to ourselves after over 2 years of him going down at 10 pm.

Carrie’s last blog post..Protected: This ?n That

Kim

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 11:58

I love how you tell stories. But what made me really happy was that your name is under my name on the Mr. Linky thingy on Sarcastic Moms page. It’s like we are hanging out.. LOL

Kim’s last blog post..BreastFeeding/BottleFeeding Carnival

Caroline Bingham

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 12:08

A-freakin-MEN!!!

I’m was so sick of people trying to guilt me into nursing or not nursing. It’s MY baby, MY body, I’ll do whatever in the hell I want! grrrr!

Caroline Bingham’s last blog post..If this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right….

Maria [Immoral Matriarch]

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 12:33

Best one I’ve read so far!

Maria [Immoral Matriarch]‘s last blog post..Nipples, Suction Cups and Bottle Brushes.

AmyM

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 12:51

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I tried soooooo hard to breastfeed Baby #1. But I couldn’t figure it out. Seriously. The positioning was awkward and uncomfortable and he wouldn’t latch on for nothin’. Multiple visits and phone calls to various lactation consultants were to no avail. “I fail motherhood!” I wept.

I tried soooooo hard with Baby #2. Same thing with the awkward and uncomfortable positioning. Same thing with the no-latching on. They gave me some stupid nipple covers in the hospital to try, because my nipples were “a little on the flat side”. Great. Lactation Consultant came to visit and by golly, I got it figured out… comfortable position, latched on baby, prosthetic nipple things. And the LC’s two extra hands. The problem? I only have 2 hands. So, it still didn’t really work. “I fail motherhood again!” I lamented.

Baby #3? I said “F- it, just bring in the Similac.”

Bottles are NOT the devil.

AmyM’s last blog post..Awesomeness!

christy

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 12:52

God, I get sick of the Mommy Nazi’s!

You find em everywhere–Girl Scout leaders, PTA Tsars…

It only gets worse. Why can’t we just support each other? (I know, this is coming close to the sickening, “Why can’t we all just get along?” LOL)

But seriously…..people get confused about what exactly is their business.

My SIL, who is childfree, used to nag me about the type of baby food I fed the girls. I guess she didn’t see that *I*–looking like a dirty, smelly dishrap–was about to open up a can o’ whoop ass…..

christy’s last blog post..Wanna sponge bath?

anne nahm

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 13:01

I had similar experiences with one and two. I was holding my breath reading about your number three to see what the future might hold. I wasn’t expecting 17 months.

I need to start work now on two tiny stretchers for my boobs to fall into and die if that’s what the future holds.

anne nahm’s last blog post..Repression: It Is What’s For Dicker? Dinner. I Meant to Say Dinner.

ohmommy

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 13:21

I giggled every time I read boobie. And I nodded reading every word.

You are so right.

Well said. Amen. And, man those middle children NEVER get the memos!

ohmommy’s last blog post..I made a mistake

daysgoby

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 13:53

*still laughing about the comment you made on my blog about the other eleven months*

Cass was overdue. Rosey was six weeks early.
His first lullaby? I’m dreaming of a white Christmas
Her first lullaby? My funny Valentine

It’s the damned holidays!

daysgoby’s last blog post..(not) (breast) feeding carnival post

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 14:05

I’m so glad I read this post. I am pregnant with my first baby and am nervous about breastfeeding. Of course, part of that is the cost of formula…and I spent almost $200 on a used breast pump. I’m gonna be mad if I can’t breastfeed. Maybe I can just pump (and burn calories. yay! lol) and throw it out like you did.

Jennifer’s last blog post..SO. HOT.

Jenty

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 14:10

Fantastic post!! I never got to breastfeed my second one, but knowing now what he’s like, he probably would have taken to it. Anyhoo, too late now.

Jenty’s last blog post..(Bottle) Feeding Carnival

Jen

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 14:38

This is a fantastic post! There is far too much guilt in the world for mothers without the whole nursing debate. I know the benefits….but it isn’t always possible! Thanks for pointing that out in a funny way!

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 15:05

What a great job you did with this!

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why!

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 16:42

So glad you got to nurse your babies! The most amazing thing in the world, giving birth to a living thing and being able to sustain it after birth (I couldn’t but the design was perfect)
Keep on Rockin’!

‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s why!’s last blog post..I’m Baaack!

CableGirl

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 16:57

It’s amazing how three kids from the some momma can be so drastically different. Thanks for telling this story.

CableGirl’s last blog post..You can’t always get what you want.

Latte Mommy

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 17:20

I hadn’t heard about this breastfeeding carnival, but now that I’ve read yours and Mommytime’s posts, I’m going to have to chime in. Great post. You’re so right about all babies, and all women being different. There is no right or wrong here. Unfortunately, there is a group of women out there who forget that. I wish they wouldn’t spoil things for the rest of us.

Latte Mommy’s last blog post..Take That, McDreamy…

missy wiggins

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 17:36

very good post!
i am always entertained and/or enthralled by your stories :)
thanks for sharing!

missy wiggins’s last blog post..my breastfeeding story.

Tara R.

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 18:30

I’ve had the chance to read a few of these posts today… geez… my BF stories are lame compared to these. I must have the most boring boobies ever.

Tara R.’s last blog post..I feel like Steve Martin

MommyTime

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 18:34

You are soo right about babies being so different. My two could not have been more different if they’d had little telepathic conferences to plan it that way. And I just have to add my two cents to your train: passing any kinds of judgment on women for the choices they have to make while feeding their infants is seriously WRONG.

But.. *whines* … now I’m thinking, “Why can’t I be all clever and funny like Mr. Lady? How come when I say stuff like this it comes out all earnest instead of witty?” I’ll try to do better next time. :)

MommyTime’s last blog post..Nursing Nitty-Gritty

tiff

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 19:06

that was an excellent post and so true.
Sorry, a bit barren for words but wanted to comment just the same.

tiff’s last blog post..On sickness, not going away and breaking point?

Diane

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 19:46

I opted to give breastfeeding a go, but I didn’t have a positive feel for it ahead of time. I breastfed my son for 17 or 18 months. Loved it. I wasn’t working, so it was easy and convenient for me to breastfeed.

I feel breastfeeding is like anything else and unfortunately, women have guilt about everything we do and don’t do.

Diane’s last blog post..House #2, perhaps?

Piper of Love

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 19:50

Yowza, 17 months!

I nursed my oldest for 11 months, until he boycotted me for the sippy cup. Literally, it was over night. He ate me one day, and didn’t want anything to do with me the next.

I only got to nurse my youngest once. He was 5 weeks early, and by the time he could latch on I wasn’t producing.

I’m glad I got that once…. but heaven was the bottle. I was so happy not to be lugging around dripping milk jugs for a year once I made peace with it.

Different kids.

Awesome post!

Piper of Love’s last blog post..What’s Been On Your Mind Lately?

janethesane

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 20:13

Thank you so much for writing this!

janethesane’s last blog post..Wow, how boring

Veronica

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 20:17

We are at 18mths and some days I am SO over it. Some days, we spend more time nursing than anything else.

Veronica’s last blog post..I

Jan

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 20:19

Wonderful story, as usual.

My 1of1 latched on flawlessly from the get go, ate efficiently, and weaned herself at 13 months. It was a great experience (not counting that one excrutiatingly painful clogged duct incident around week four). At 19 months, she’s doing quite well.

My mom nursed three kids for a year each, at a time when only hippies nursed (my parents were not hippies). I think I turned out pretty okay.

My in-laws raised three kids on bottles. When my husband was two months old, it was determined that he was allergic to formula, so his folks gave him bottles of whole cows milk. He turned out okay.

My ex was also allergic to formula as a baby, but his parents gave him bottles of Pepsi. Really. And even he turned out mostly okay, if you don’t count the dental and weight problems.

Point is: do what works for you. The kid will be fine.

molly_g

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 21:04

Pepsi? Yikes!!! I can’t even metabolize pepsi!!!

Mr. Lady: I had to chime in on this… You know I love you. : )

molly_g’s last blog post..Sorry to the dudes who read this…

zoeyjane

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 22:04

17 months…i remember around 11 months deciding that i’d go as long as she would (but not freaky long *i will leave that undefined*), when i saw the lack of interested sparkling in her eyes. the only thing i regret is not moving her directly to a cup. not a sippy cup or a bottle, but an actual requires coordination cup. cuz right now, pouring 8oz of water all over my bed? pure, different FUN.

zoeyjane’s last blog post..DMP: Thanks, Huckdoll.

Sarcastic Mom

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 22:54

You’re so fucking awesome.

And I think I now know why, though I’m not a lesbian, I love other women’s bewbs. I was breastfed!

Can I touch yours before I go?

Sarcastic Mom’s last blog post..(Breast)feeding Carnival

BusyDad

Tuesday, 11 March, 2008 at 22:56

I’m just laughing. Out loud. I have had the pleasure of reading 3 boobie posts tonight. I seldom get to catch up with blogs, and on the one night when I can visit a few? This. It was well written though. You have a gift for appropriately placed swear words. Always enhancing, never gratuitous.

BusyDad’s last blog post..Part of This Nutritious Breakfast

Momo Fali

Wednesday, 12 March, 2008 at 6:36

Both my kids were preemies and I had to pump the entire time for both of them, because they were too small to latch on. Pumped the perk right out of them too.

Momo Fali’s last blog post..Maybe We Should Get A Second Opinion

Miss Ann Thrope

Wednesday, 12 March, 2008 at 8:11

You say “Fuck” so I totally adored you before I read much. Then, I read much and only adored you MORE.

I wrote a boobie post on my blog. But it was more of a “I hate the frickin’ giganticalness of my boobies” kind of post.

But your post? Awesomely funny. Marry me?

Miss Ann Thrope’s last blog post..Sphincter apologizes, but is he just blowing smoke?

Wednesday, 12 March, 2008 at 13:18

this was a freakin’ awesome post!! loved it from beginning to middle to end!! My three kids were all diff breast feeders. and I wanted to nurse them all a year each and didn’t make it. but you are right… most important is that the baby is fed!! so many people push breast feeding so that if you stop you feel guilty as shit and the mother is feeling like a failure and the baby is effing hungry. Feed your babies. that is it. formula, breast milk well yeah. those are like the only things to feed a new baby… but you know what i mean.
I had this nursing lady breathing down my freakin’ neck when I had my twins, she would call randomly to ask how it was going and when I said I thought about giving it up, she had a cow… and wanted to come over… Oh no!! Thanks but NO! I had a two year old and brand new twins, I can do whatever I want to feed them. thank you very much. I nursed them and they also had formula once in a while too then they were stricly formula babies and they are good, just as healthy, smart and loving as my son. :) so there!! :)
hugs, jenn

Jennifer’s last blog post..Before…

amy

Wednesday, 12 March, 2008 at 15:16

LOVED this! For me the baby was ready to quit before I was and I was quite sad! But I was lucky enough to nurse all four for over a year, which is why I need a boob job now!

amy’s last blog post..Mammary Lane Revisited

Rebecca

Wednesday, 12 March, 2008 at 16:00

Awesome post! :) Thanks for sharing!

Rebecca’s last blog post..Pray for Gwyneth

Betsy Bird

Wednesday, 12 March, 2008 at 18:30

“What matters, in the end, is that the kid gets fed.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. Nursing is the greatest thing going, when it works. Sometimes, it doesn’t.

Betsy Bird’s last blog post..The One Thing Ann Coulter and I Have in Common