Mar 13 2008
Their bones are soft. They bounce.
Today, I present for your reading pleasure, thirteen of the 5,671 injuries my children have sustained over the past 10 years and my corresponding reaction, on a scale of 1-10, one being, “Eh.” and 10 being, “Ouch, my head just exploded.”
1. Faceplant at pool on concrete. Cracks concrete, cracks kid. Reaction? 3. Popsicles makes everything better.
2. Attempt to channel Buzz Lightyear. Rips half face off. Reaction? 2. It was really funny. You had to be there.
3. Golf club to head. By brother. Reaction? 1. Time outs for everyone!
4. Baby tumbles down 6 concrete steps. Readjusts, makes another tumble down 6 MORE concrete steps. While dad was, um, err…busy. Making a morning deposit, you know? Reaction? 2. I was a work. It was too good to not laugh at.
5. Retaliatory baseball bat to head. You know, for the golf club. SIX MONTHS LATER. Reaction? -2. That shit was hilarious.
6. 2 year old gets tossed about 8 feet in the air by neighbor and then failed in every way to get CAUGHT by said neighbor. Concussion, hematoma ensued. Reaction? 6. Total freak out, no hospital. And still went to work that night.
7. Fall from playground at stupid restaurant. Total concussion. Awful concussion. Reaction? 2. Until an hour later, at a movie, when I had to catch 15 tons of vomit shooting out of that kid right when ET started talking. Then the reaction? Like, 10. I. Caught. Vomit. Hey, it was our first concussion. I had no idea what they were.
8. Captain Asthma! spends a week in the fancy wing of Children’s Hospital due to absolute failure to do anything resembling breathing. Reaction? 8. A totally appropriate 8.
9. First kid born with crooked urethra. Reaction? 10. Meltdown 10. The world just ended 10. Appropriate reaction? Um, 0.
10. Kid biffs it on bike. Blood everywhere. Rocks embedded in skin. Reaction? 1. Starts in with the ‘You know, when I was a kid we just had to pee on it’ or some shit. Stops self. Upps reaction to 2.
11. Baby gets croup. Third baby gets croup. Third baby after 6 smaller siblings gets croup. Third baby after 6 smaller siblings and after reading Anne of Green Gables 15 bazillion times gets croup. Reaction? 14. $3,000 and one night in the ER later, lesson learned.
12. Kid slices finger open on Christmas day with brand new cub scouts pocket knife. Reaction? 1. Wipes knife off, hands it back. Soaks shirt drenched in blood, gets back to the cookies.
13. Toddler gets mowed down at gymnastics by another toddler in a swing. Eyes roll back in head. No cries, no nothing. Instantly falls asleep. Stays asleep for almost an hour, while being poked and tickled. Reaction? 50.
I have never been so freaked out by anything in my whole life. The nurse in the ER kept coming and asking me if I was ok. This was, hands down, our worst injury thus far. She was not right. And this was, hands down, my most inappropriate reaction to any of the injuries. Funny thing is, she was totally out until she spied with her little eye a baby playhouse in the corner of the ER waiting room. And then? The kid was Right. As. Rain.
She’s fine, and I am recovering nicely, too. She really doesn’t want to go to gymnastics anymore, either. So I have that going for me, which is nice.
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Comments close after 14 days. And there's Captcha if you're nasty. 53 Comments to “Their bones are soft. They bounce.”
Holy cow, so glad that your latest trip to the ER ended well. And I’m glad that you are ALL okay. Scary.
I feel like a total rookie. Six years after having my first kid (I’ve got two), and I’ve only made ONE trip to the ER–one. Tiny skull fracture, tiny. Rated about a 7 on your scale. In the future, I’ll remember what you’ve gone through and maybe take it in stride.
That would totally freak me out too.
I’m still not sure quite what my mother’s reaction was when I ate a bottle of baby aspirin with a friend on the day she came home from the hospital with my baby brother. Said friend and I were too busy partying it up in the hospital; it was a brilliant time.
You caught vomit? Cooool.
Glad she, and you, are alright! Seems you handle injures pretty well (and see the humor in it!).
So glad you are out of gymnastics!
Nola’s last blog post..Louisiana Citrus and the Land of Cocktails
Yep- #6. It’s one thing when your kids do something stupid and hurt themselves.. but when someone ELSE hurts your kids- that’s a big deal.
I have a hard time not laughing at injuries..even my own!
Happy T13!
Nissa’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen- cards you might not want to send
The incidents themselves would have been funny enough just by themselves, but the reactions compared sometimes to the appropriate reaction is what just made me almost choke on my coffee. Glad I wasn’t eating a biscotti, or I’d be at the emergency room, too. You always crack me up.
The incidents themselves would have been funny enough just by themselves, but the reactions compared sometimes to the appropriate reaction is what just made me almost choke on my coffee. Glad I wasn’t eating a biscotti, or I’d be at the emergency room, too. You always crack me up.
(again, every time I comment, the first time doesn’t seem to “grab” or whatever… sorry. again.)
Maggie’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen 3/13/08
God love ya, I’d be wrapping them in bubble wrap! #2 cracked me up though . . .
Honeybell’s last blog post..Bodies Revealed
Hilarious! I love it, thanks for sharing. I’ve got 3 kids and my most memorable ER trip was my 5 (yes 5) year old swallowing a nickle. You would think by 5 she would know better…apparently not.
Happy TT!
Kelly’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen # 3
Ouch, now I get yesterday’s post more.
This makes my son’s incident seem like cupcakes.
Sue’s last blog post..What Does it Mean to Pull a Digger?
Ouch, it’s a good thing kids are made of rubber and can bounce back! ;-)
Happy TT :-)
Anonymous’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen # 37
OH my god. I would have flipped out at all those other than number 5. That shit SOUNDS hilarious.
Maria [Immoral Matriarch]’s last blog post..Self Reminder.
Ok, color me impressed. I’m sure it’s because I’m a new parent but some of those 2s and 3s… yeah, i’d have been freaked out. My own pain, I don’t mind. MJ stubs a toe I get upset.
CableGirl’s last blog post..shaken, not stirred
Geez! That would have been really scary! Glad she’s ok. :)
Shannon’s last blog post..there should be more moments like this?
OMG–I’m freaking out. This is what I have to look forward to? UGH. I’ve already watched him fall backwards (ouch) from a sitting position (not so ouch). You mean, this is only the beginning?!?!
Thank goodness for Popsicles and ERs . . .
laskigal’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen: Bloggy Buddy Mentions
Great list. My sister whacked my brother in the side of the head with a 9 iron when we were kids and I laughed my ass off. He still has the scars 20 something years later… Happy TT!
Chris’s last blog post..By: maggies mind
Okay you win, my kids haven’t been even close to that many injuries.
Interesting topic for this week.
Penelope Anne aka The Mama Bear’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen #24 ~ Taco Bell Sauces Speak Volumes
I would say I average about an 8 on reaction and about a 3 on appropriate reactions.
I had to bust up over ‘right as rain’ haven’t heard that in a while.
TRACI’s last blog post..The One In Which Traci Had To Walk Home At 1 AM
What a GREAT idea for a post. I think I will have to copy you down the road. Cause, you know, we are tight with our ER doctors by now.
By the way.
My first kid was born with a crooked urethra too. LOL!!!
ohmommy’s last blog post..My husband won’t sleep with me…
Oh…. and more importantly. I am so glad she is okay. This is by far the worst part of being a mother. The frightening accidents!
ohmommy’s last blog post..My husband won’t sleep with me…
OMG. So you are SO calm about injuries and such. I am going to be an 8-10 kind of mom for a lot of those. Dang.
Jennifer’s last blog post..Wheelchair Thief.
This is the best list I’ve read so far. I have seen my daughter experience many of these reactions with the four grandkids.
Happy TT
DrillerAA’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen No. 20
Oddly, my kids have never broken a bone and neither have I. Considering the uncoordinatedness of us all, I am amazed.
Loralee’s last blog post..GIRL SCOUT COOKIE TIME HAS ARRIVED!
I’m usually an under-reactor, but there have been moments.
They should warn you about the capacity for fear before you have kids.
Jenni’s last blog post..Think Pink!
Oh my god. I can’t imagine a non-responsive baby NOT warranting a 50. I’m so glad she’s okay.
Our first trip to the emergency room (1 of 3 so far) was a total over-reaction by me. Liam (at six weeks) wouldn’t stop crying because I ate too many oreos (first baby - ate everything standing at the cupboard door) and apparently some babies don’t like oreos in their breast milk. The doctor told Mark he needed to help me more because clearly I wasn’t keeping it together.
sounds super scary!!
Um yeah…this isn’t alleviating my terror on becoming a new parent. How do you stay composed?
Is it wrong that I fixated on the mention of Anne of Green Gables and croup and kind of blurred out the rest of the post. Now I need an Anne fix!
Seriously, though, I am so glad it seems things are ok. That would freak me out. Those swings can go so fast and the kids are so heavy!
Carrie’s last blog post..Protected: Insert Title Here
I would have crapped my pants. Twice.
How scary!!! I’m glad everything turned out well.
Great TT!
Kathryn’s last blog post..A Ranting I Go
[...] MrLady presented “for your reading pleasure, thirteen of the 5,671 injuries my children have s… and my corresponding reaction, on a scale of 1-10, one being,
I was having heart palipatations and it is not even my kid! I can’t imagine if it would of been mine. I would probably been asking for Xanax or something.
Glad she is ok! Seriously. WHEW!!!!
Kay’s last blog post..Write this date down
That was hard reading. Glad everything is fine. The last one was very scary indeed.
Diane’s last blog post..House #2, perhaps?
i’m sorry but i just laughed all kinds of laughs out loud. (there were a few empathetic winces, don’t worry).
But yeah, mostly chuckling. Glad everyone’s ok!
zoeyjane’s last blog post..It’s Pouring, In Here
add to your list … from MY captain asthma: 4 zillion cases of bronchitis leading to pneumonia. reaction (first time): off the charts. reaction (2nd, 3rd and successive times): ho-hum.
glad your baby recovered from the gymnastics wars. now THAT was scary.
janet’s last blog post..High school confidential
Cheese and rice woman! This makes my kids eight surgeries seem like NUH-thing.
Is it wrong that I laughed out loud at the first word…”faceplant”? Classic.
Momo Fali’s last blog post..I May Take Up Prize Fighting
Holy bejesus! That would freak me the fuck out! Glad the baby playhouse revived her will to live.
Man, I’m calling you next time my kids get hurt. I feel nauseous just reading about these injuries.
I’ve got to remember your humor for future reference. Freaking hilarious right? Right?
Jamie’s last blog post..Letter to My Dead Grandmother
Oh Boy, what a time you have had! I am glad that you have a good sense of humor! Hang in there!
Sue’s last blog post..Living Museum
Yeah, I am thinking 50 is about appropriate. Glad to see another Mum who finds her kids injuries amusing. Total appropriate motherly concern reaction at the time (as warranted) but man, the look on kids faces after they face plant something… priceless.
Kelley’s last blog post..Hello Kitty. Well, Hello Kitty!!
Wow.
Now I don’t feel bad for laughing when Amy trips over her own feet.
Veronica’s last blog post..Sheesh, They Are DOORS People!
You are so calm about it all! I would have had the same reaction to the last story too though!
Jenty’s last blog post..Be sensible or splurge?
Pretty! I just noticed the newest addition to your blog. Honored to be a part of it. Super idea!
ohmommy’s last blog post..My husband won’t sleep with me…
Yep, you totally have three kids! Isn’t it fun living this adventure…
Beth from The Funny Farm’s last blog post..How I Broke Hicky Hucks Heart
You are one cool cat. I would have freaked at probably all of those injuries. You giving lessons?
LunaNik’s last blog post..Toddler-isms and Wiggle-Iggle Friday
Holy crap! I can’t imagine what I have to look forward to with my two crazy boys. Yikes!!! I think all of my reactions are going to be a 10++. BTW, you should publish your reaction scale… I’d love to refer to it whenever I have one of those moments! LOL
MamaWise’s last blog post..Life
I still can’t read number 13 without getting the chills. I am glad she is okay.
Kim’s last blog post..Lotus: HoF’oSho - Paying It Forward
Oh. my. God.
I can not even imagine what you must have been going through. I hope she (and you) are okay!
And I would go home and wrap your kids in bubble wrap. Dude, I think they need that ;-)
amy’s last blog post..Like Totally, Fer Sure
#13 scared me! I have noticed the more kids I have, the lower my rating for each accident gets.
Very entertaining!
Lisa’s last blog post..Vacations
oh my, that is quite the list ma’am. the last one, yup, i would have completely freaked out. when you see blood, you know your kid is alive and can feel something.
but when they’re like in a sleep state, you think internal stuff…ugh, that’s scary.
i guess you can look back on all this and laugh ….right…maybe not. happy weekend.
I am so glad she is okay! My kid had had one injury and one cold and both nearly killed me. I am such a wuss.
janethesane’s last blog post..Fiction Friday - My Second Chance, part 2
Holy. Shit.
Tootsie Farklepants’s last blog post..I’m Not Married To It
I love the spontaneous recovery at the sight of the baby playhouse.
(in a high nasally voice a la Monty Python & the Holy Grail:)’I'm sure if the Church knew of the miraculous healing of 3 of 3 they would consecrate it as a shrine.”
Whoops, my Catholic education is showing. Sorry about that.
Blog Hopping
The best I can submit is the time Poose bailed out of the cart at WalMart, hit his head on a metal shelf full of canned beans, then landed flat on his back (head and all) on the floor. My reaction: a 3. Face it kid, after all the stunts my sister, your sister, and you brother pulled, I’m getting bulletproof.
Kudzu Queen’s last blog post..Freaky Friday - In Hot Water
I’ve just been sent thisaway from busy dad, again.
I keep finding your blog and losing it again for some unknown reason. Well, idiocy mostly.
I love your take on it all, very entertaining. Clicky clicky into my reader…
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..Number Crunching
OH. MY. WORD. Your blog made me laugh SO hard!! I’m glad my boss wasn’t nearby!!!
Jana’s last blog post..A Chapter Closes