I spend way more time on this little space o’ mine talking about shoving people out of my hoo-hah than I think is fitting. It’s not really why I write this thing, but the story keeps coming back up anyway. Sarcastic Mom is doing a Carnival of Torture Labor today, and who am I to resist, really?
You can read, if you must, my first son’s very long-winded, detailed, touching birth story here. Then you can click here and read the slightly shorter, slightly snarkiner story of my second son’s birth. If you must, you could click this link and read the 3/4 of a paragraph that I managed to piece together of my third child’s birth. Really, I don’t remember most of it. And yes, I was sober through the whole thing. Poor third kid.
In the interest of participation, and in the interest of A) not boring you to tears and B) not subjecting you to the pure horror that is the picture my mother-in-law decided to click of my hootchie-chootchie immediately after I gave her a shiny happy grandson (will she ever just be nice to me? Sheesh!), I offer you the clif-notes version of the worst 27 months of my whole damn life.
I hate being pregnant the way Marilyn Manson hates going to church.
Kid one: I gained 105 pounds, I have 3 permanently fused vertebrae in my lower back and a highway on my tummy in stretch marks.
zoeyjane
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 13:18oh, scary scary! i’m going to try to whittle down a three pager into two paragraphs, after bedtime. thinking of you drugged and in labour…brings a funny smile to my face. also reminds me of the morphine i got to have. OH, the morphine!
zoeyjane’s last blog post..In the Spirit of um, Balls Out
B
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 13:22you’re blog is an instant hit with me!
you had me laughing from a to b…i mean, you know. laughing WITH you, of course…not AT you haha.
B’s last blog post..Life sans Gurdle. Liberation at last!
Alison
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 13:28Um, ouch.
You have such wonderful kids to show for all your hard work.
You’ve been tagged, love…..
Alison’s last blog post..Blogginhg Begninngs and An Anxiety Attack
Jenni
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 13:33And you manage to make it funny!
I agree on having the older siblings watch. My older kids have always watched the younger ones being born, and it is priceless.
I don’t know about helping me through labor, though. Although my husband is no good either.
Jenni’s last blog post..The Birth Story and The Rant
Natalie
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 13:40Oh gosh, the thought of having all that family in there during labor? No thanks! My husband and the medical crew were the only people I allowed. My poor mom tried to come in once and I ripped her a new one.
I was giggling like crazy during the sleeping pill paragraph. I mean, I’m sure it wasn’t funny then, but it made for a good story now!
I loved reading this.
April
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 13:55You’re incredibly talented! I loved reading these; you made my day!
April’s last blog post..Weekend Wrap-Up – Part Dos
Memarie Lane
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 14:04No kidding about the clothes. When I was pg with #1 I had read that you should bring clothes that fit when you were about 4 months pg. I went to the hospital in ratty sweats, the only thing that fit, and brought along some cute overalls. Guess what I left in? Hint: not the overalls!
Memarie Lane’s last blog post..******C Me N4k3d N0w!******
anne nahm
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 14:05Do I keep needing to send you the comment of how much I adore you? Shall I just make you a stamp that says it, and you can stamp every post you do from here to eternity with it?
Also, thanks for inspiring me to maybe get back on birth control.
anne nahm’s last blog post..The Adventures of Off The Pill Anne
MommyTime
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 14:09Only YOU, my dear, could make these stories this funny. Of course, my post is all earnest an endearing (and not up yet because I had to put up something embarrassing in an other way today), but I’m learning to cope with the fact that I simply do not have your narrative je ne sais quoi. Feel free, if you ever need to write a short story, to steal the plot details from any story I’ve ever told and then morph them into something super-fabulous.
Also, although 3of3′s birth story may be shorter than that of her brother’s, they don’t have this: “Because waking up in the middle of full-blown labor so drugged out of your skull that you can
Angie
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 16:06Awesome post. I just love reading the way you recap a story and make me feel like I am right there with you holding your legs, getting the money shot while your midwife hangs off the edge of the damn bed. That is the funniest visual EVER of childbirth.
KEEP BELIEVING
Angie’s last blog post..Brian is diagnosed – the first night. Miracle Monday
Ashley Sanders
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 16:08Oh my GAW you crack me up! lol. :)
Ashley Sanders’s last blog post..Everybody loves me’too bad they aren’t real.
CableGirl
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 16:42I love the idea of your older children watching the youngest’s birth. wonderful.
CableGirl’s last blog post..1%
daysgoby
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 17:21Thanks for that!
daysgoby’s last blog post..birth carnival post
janet
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 18:24man, i totally canNOT relate to having people fall out of me. no one could get out the way they got in ….
janet’s last blog post..Lawsie, Miss Scarlett, I don’t know NOTHIN’ ’bout birthin’ no babies!!
Kristen
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 18:31Wow. I mean, really, wow. Horrified, speechless and laughing at the same time. You just reminded me why it has taken me 13 years to write this stuff down. It is painful and awful and wonderful.
I hadn’t thought about having my older children at the birth of my younger, what an awesome idea.
Kristen’s last blog post..Birth Story # 1
Diane
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 18:36Crack me up. Thank goodness that I only had one child. Ugh, I think that I’d be slapping the nurse and the mid-wive with those tales.
Diane’s last blog post..Colorado Avalanche tickets
Allie Bear
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 19:12LOL, I hated being pregnant too, I never want to do that again but at least you can write funny blogs about the horrible experience.
Allie Bear’s last blog post..Master Debator
tiff
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 19:20What are you saying ’bout midwives?
Sorry your births were not the best. I especially LOVE your advice about family watching. I’m all for the fewer the better myself.
tiff’s last blog post..Birth?
ohmommy
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 20:10I wish you wrote this post 5 years ago to realize that…
A) I wouldn’t be walking home, after giving birth, in my designer pre-pregnancy jeans
B) An audience is not always welcomed
C) Don’t pop pills during labor
D) Life after gaining 100+ pounds… you can still be as hot as you.
ohmommy’s last blog post..it was supposed to be a PLAYdate…
Don Mills Diva
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 20:29Oh my – I know I’m evil but this cracks me up! I love your posts!
Don Mills Diva’s last blog post..Good thing he was there to protect me
marlee
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 20:54Yeah, I’m having trouble getting past the part about how you let your mother-in-law anywhere NEAR you while you were in labor… NO. F’ING. WAY!!!!! :o
marlee’s last blog post..Play Date From Hell and My Continuously Expanding Waistline
punk rock mom
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 21:29a knotted up sheet. Now that is old school. Like holding on to a rope and squatting over a hole kind of old school. And thanks for the compliment you made my day and now I am totally in love with you. Like totally.
punk rock mom’s last blog post..The Untold Story
Huckdoll
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 21:42First of these *cough*never-ending*cough* childbirth posts today that I haven’t scanned to the end and written a comment saying: “I prefer this over TLC A Baby Story ANY DAY! Thanks for sharing!”
(Kidding moms!)
Seriously good shit, Lady.
Huckdoll’s last blog post..I’ll make this sound a lot cooler in my blog….
amy
Monday, 24 March, 2008 at 22:08I mean seriously woman, you have a way with words. This was fantastic! Okay and kicking the stirrup helpers, hilarious! Loved it, all of it.
amy’s last blog post..Natural Woman
Kelly
Tuesday, 25 March, 2008 at 9:03One word, ADOPTION!
All the mommy glory, without the physical pain. Oh wait, there is a ton of that emotional pain, shit. Guess that’s why I squeezed the second little watermelon out of that damn quarter sized hole. She’s nine months, and I still don’t think I can write about it without passing out.
As for you, awesome. As always!
Kelly’s last blog post..There Are No Winners Here
Motherhood for Dummies
Tuesday, 25 March, 2008 at 10:41I can’t really relate. I was a lucky one that had a fast and painless labor. I went from 6 to head crowing in 30 mins. And maybve pushed for max 20 mins. I was just super thankful that I didn’t poop on the table!
Motherhood for Dummies’s last blog post..The Power of Change
Caroline Bingham
Tuesday, 25 March, 2008 at 10:43woot-woot! I LOATHE every second I’m pregnant. I, however, have had the good fortune of always going into labor way,way, early.
Caroline Bingham’s last blog post..Oh, it’s ON
Kay
Tuesday, 25 March, 2008 at 15:58Is it Uterus day? Because I totally blogged about mine a little today too just not quite the same. ;)
The hell it is to carry and birth them and then to raise them? Some days I wonder if it was all worth it. But then I read a great blog like yours and some funny anecdotes or cute pics and I know it is all worth it. I have to give credit where it is due. You are a great Mom and a great writer!
Now go pour yourself a big ‘ol sippy of whiskey!
Kay’s last blog post..He is wondering what a uterus is…
Tammy
Tuesday, 25 March, 2008 at 16:35You are one funny woman! My three pregnancy experiences sound much like yours. But you are SO much better at recapping than I am. Love the stories! Thanks for sharing!
Tammy’s last blog post..Tackle it Tuesday
Ree
Tuesday, 25 March, 2008 at 18:06I am now, officially, throwing everyone and everything else out of my life so I can come sit and worship at your feet.
Ree’s last blog post..Don
janethesane
Tuesday, 25 March, 2008 at 21:14I love your blog :)
janethesane’s last blog post..The Land of Tears
Kathryn
Tuesday, 25 March, 2008 at 21:15Wow. You deserve some kind of metal for those labors. Sheesh!
Great post!
Kathryn’s last blog post..WW- The First Robin Of The Year
Jeremy Neal
Wednesday, 26 March, 2008 at 0:43Found you through BusyDad. Definitely glad I stopped by. One of the most entertaining posts I’ve read in a while. My third is on the way – I wonder if my wife will go for the oldest in the delivery room? I’ll have to tell her to read your post. Thanks! -Jeremy @ Discovering Dad.
Jeremy Neal’s last blog post..Help Me Pick #3 Spot in Fantasy Baseball Draft
Momo Fali
Wednesday, 26 March, 2008 at 17:25I wonder how many women have dropped that midwife, just because they felt like it.
Momo Fali’s last blog post..I Like The Way He Thinks
Sarcastic Mom
Wednesday, 26 March, 2008 at 20:25“…you may want to die just a little. Or eat Ding Dongs, which isn
Tootsie Farklepants
Wednesday, 26 March, 2008 at 23:16Now I really wish that I’d had my mother in law hold one of my legs. I never considered the opportunity to kick the shit out of her!
I had an episiotomy with the first two. I didn’t need it for the 3rd. People randomly fall out of me too.
Tootsie Farklepants’s last blog post..You’ll Take Advantage of the Nearest Mode of Transportation to Either High Five Me or Leave a Flaming Bag of Dog Pooh on my Front Porch
Steph
Thursday, 27 March, 2008 at 8:53My births were a blur, If only I had written things down!!!!
laskigal
Thursday, 27 March, 2008 at 22:46This was just plain enjoyable . . . for me. We birthed in secret. There was no way there was going to be an audience . . . no. way.
laskigal’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen: A Lazy Chick’s “Diet”
Senora Patron
Friday, 28 March, 2008 at 18:57good lord woman! … i’d have chosen the sleeping pills too had i known what mine was gonna be like the 2nd time around.
Senora Patron
bloghoppin’ and sippin’ on a Friday nite cuz my life is just THAT exciting. ?
Senora Patron’s last blog post..Like a fine wine – eh, maybe not.
NukeDad
Friday, 28 March, 2008 at 20:52Ouch! Brings back memories of our first born. 36 hours of labor. After 18th hour they give NukeMom something to “help her rest”. She ends up being part of the 0.01% that has a reaction to it. Kept her up and gave her the shakes. Contractions made shakes more enjoyable. My right hand has never been the same. LOVE your site!
NukeDad’s last blog post..Are You Committed, Or Just Contributing?
SWC
Saturday, 29 March, 2008 at 11:48Love, love, love your blog. I happened by from The Busy Dad. Anyway, don’t get me started on birth stories! I was so determined to do natural and went through almost 30 hours of drug free hard labor only to end up with a friggin’ c-section. UGH!! And you squeezed how many of these out your hoo-hah?
P.S. While I was waiting for my c-section they gave me some stuff to relax me, which basically was cool until it wore off and I started baring down uncontrollably in a drug fog. Talk about confusing!
Anyway, I’ll be back to read up.
SWC’s last blog post..Justice for P.J.