I swore I’d never live-blog American Idol. I have been live commenting on Resurrection Song’s AI posts for *ahem* years now, and we like our little thing we’ve got going.

See, there’s one little problem tonight.

My benevolent blogfather, the notorious World Wide Rant, well….he killed his blog two days ago. This is not cool for several large reasons.

One: He’s the reason I’ve had this blog for so long. He inspired me, yo.

Two: He’s the first blogger to have ever quite literally made me pee my pants laughing.

Three: Who will cover the Far Right Conservative Blogosphere now? And by cover, I mean stalk and haunt and make them regret every single unresearched, poorly written post? Andy was Captain Atheist Libertarian! (Let’s come up with a costume for him, k? With tights. And hellfire.)

Four: He was the yin to David’s Yang, AI speaking. David just rips all the contestants to shreds; Andy did it with a a little slice of lust.

Also, I swore of American Idol. This year is a disgrace to whatever it is American Idol stands for, which is a disgrace in it’s own right, but a damn amusing one. I have had to to *here* with that stupid ass show. Incidentally, I wrote it off the day Michael Johns got sent home. Just sayin’. I’d have that boy’s babies anyday.

Anyway, in a sad attempt at eulogizing my very favorite blog on these here internets, in a farewell post to the best sort of friend you could ever hope to find on the other side of a computer screen, I give you my first (and hopefully last) American Idol Live Blog.

Well, a month or so later, Ryan Seacrest still makes me want to hit people. Moving on…

Funny, that. There’s only four of them left, and two of them were my least favorites. I was so very wrong about one of them. David Cook, I am sorry I talked smack about you. You are the new….wait, what? Hungry Like the Wolf? I take it all back. That song is only okay when I’m wearing a halter top, drinking shots of something god-awful and making out with some random dude in a bathroom of a smoky club with black paint on the walls.

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit aside: Isn’t it illegal for Paula to talk dirty in most states?

Syesha Mercado has very nice teeth. Oooo, shoulders, too. I wasn’t too sure about the slow start to the song, but yeah…I think this is her first performance that I’ve ever L.O.V.E.D. That girl can sing.

I’m apologizing to my husband in advance aside: I suddenly wish I was more into chicks. Da-yum. That hip thing kinda made stuff tingle.

You know, I’ve only ever personally known one girl with dreads, and they didn’t look good on her, either. Why do women think they can cover Bob Marley? You need WAY more testosterone to pull off I Shot the Sheriff than she has. This is just awful. I have been waiting for months for this girl to get sent home. Did she do some internet porn or something?

That’s weird, aside: If you’re pregnant, and it’s a girl, don’t name her Jason Castro. It’s just mean.

David Archuleta is going to be the best Curly McLain that his high school’s musical theatre department has ever seen. Thing is, he can totally sing. We all know that. But once his balls drop, will he still be able to? Stand By Me is just one of those songs I think you have to be a grown up to sing. He sang it really well, of course, but I can’t say he sold it.

Barley Legal Aside: The night when he sang Another Day in Paradise? I sort of wanted to make out with him a little. I’m still working through that.

David Cook, part two. He really did clean up nicely, didn’t he? I am going to preface with the statement that the 1970’s cranked out my favorite music. Ever. EVER. David just did that song better than The Who could have ever hoped to. Peter, Roger, John and Keith are crying in their beers right now. I wouldn’t just buy that single, I’d hang his poster over my bed and kiss it every night with pink lipstick.

I brought this on myself aside: Don’t everyone else’s kids go to bed at, like, 7:30 or something? Mine haven’t even showered yet. Someone shoot me.

Before she says one word, um, NO NO. Sam Cooke is too good for you. Now, let’s see if I’m right…..

Yep.

That last note wasn’t half bad, though.

This is going to hurt aside: While I typed that up there, my three kids ate one ENTIRE package of double chocolate chip cookies. At 8:44 pm. Calgon, take me away.

Fashion advice from a frump aside: Boobies aren’t actually supposed to look like melons. Might wanna tell your seamstress.

Hey Mr Tambourine Man! Now THAT song sounds pretty okay when a chick totally forgets the lyrics to a timeless song that even Spanish Only speaking illegal immigrants in American know every fucking word to. IN ENGLISH. Tsk tsk, Ms. Jason Castro.

Useless trivia aside: The other song that you can walk into any bar in any far off corner of the world, throw it on in the jukebox, and every person in that bar could sing the whole thing word for word? In English? No matter what the native language is? Tiny Dancer. Try it.

Oh David Archuleta, thank you so much for making every 14 year old girl (and about 1/8 of the 18 year old boy demographic) fall in love with The King. Elvis loves you, and you’re going to heaven.

Personal Aside: David reminds me of Hot Gay Russell. Wouldn’t you agree, 10 of you who know Hot Gay Russell?

*I think that might be a song or something.

Kindly linked by Primordial Slack, Is This Blog On?, and Resurrection Song.