American Idol, man. It’s killing me over here.
David Archuleta is not old enough, sexy enough, clever enough or broken enough to sing And So It Goes. THIS is exactly why I hate Michael Bubblytoes or whoever the fuck he is. STOP. KILLING. GOOD. SONGS. George Michael is out of your league, and Billy Joel sure-the-hell is out of everyone’s league. He’s out of Billy Joel’s league anymore. (This song and me have some history, can you tell?)
Creepy aside: Did Paula say she wanted to exploit David’s something? She’s gotta stop huffing the Aquanet. He’s TWELVE, dude.
Syesha Mercado is singing Alicia Keys because Randy asked her to, after he’s spent 5 seasons telling people to stop bothering trying to sing Alicia, Whitney or Kelly Clarkson. Randy clearly hates Syesha and wants her to lose. Maybe so he can get David into the New New Kids on the Block. First album? Not Hangin’ Just Yet.
Ouchie aside: Go look. You know you wanna. The caption on his Facebook pictures says, “The 3:36pm model has significantly less trunk space than the 3:45pm model.” Now you have to look.
David Cook just got podiddled in the humnashmurna by Simon. Awesome. (I think he’s gonna rock it.) The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face is a great song, and I don’t care who says what. I wish he’s sang it A Capella; I think that would have been his Bo Bice moment, but I think I’d still let him see my boobies.
I like to make up words aside: Really, do I have to translate that?
Dear David Archuleta: You may not use Prime Time TV to audition for the Gay Christian Pop Rockers Kidz Bop. Or Up With People. Thank you. Signed, the Not 8-16 year old demographic.
Message for you, sir aside: Ted Haggard called for you, David. He’d like to schedule an appointment with you. ASAP.
Syesha Mercado is doing what? Singing Fever? Now, David Cook could’ve Torn That Shit Up, but she was just meh. Nice legs though. VERY nice legs.
David Cook is up again (and his hair gets better every show, don’t you think? Also, puuuuuuur) with some song I don’t know (which is hard to pull of, yo) and might not win American Idol, but is going to be David Archuleta’s first single on the Gay Christian Pop Rockers Kidz Bop album coming out for Christmas next year.
Clarification aside: I have nothing, at all, against gay people, christian people, rockers, kids or bop. Well, maybe a little something against bop.
David Archuleta is on my shit list, officially. What the fuck? Didn’t Dan die? Couldn’t they have buried Longer with him?
*ahem* aside: Dear god, will some contestant please sing the phone book already? Just to make the judges stop saying it? I would pay you, dawg.
Syesha Mercado makes unfortunate song choices, but excellent brassiere choices.
Neurotic aside: Black jeans make my skin crawl. ON EVERYONE. So do shorts. Just sayin’.
David Cook is covering Aerosmith’s I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing. I will marry and have tiny little babies with the first person who shows up at my house with an actual, vintage Aerosmith tshirt. It’s the ONE thing I want before I die. That said, David has and could have done much better with this song. And that makes me cry a little inside.
Whaaa? aside: Paula’s crack kicked in halfway through the show. She went from zero to EEEEKKKKSHREEEEEEKKKMUMBLE in less than 60. Impressive.
Kindly linked by the Unsinkable Zombyboy and Laskigal.
Tagged with: american idol, may 13, reality tv
Maria
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 3:35Is it bad that I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about??
[Mr Lady] No, Maria, it’s a very good thing. Just say NO, dude.
Shamelessly Sassy
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 4:06I tried to dry hump David Cook tonight. My husband got so pissed that I was blocking the tv…and humping it. But seriously, David Cook deserves all of my dry humpage. I’ll even admit to voting via text tonight. And dry humping David cook, some more.
Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..The Peen Magnet
[Mr Lady] And the Best Comment of the Week award goes to Shamelessly Sassy. Dude, I peed a little.
Jen-The Mom
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 4:36Another clueless AI hater. Okay hate is a strong word. How about loathe. detest. dislike. think stinks. poopoo caca.
Love your new header, but loved the other too!
Jen-The Mom’s last blog post..Learn to Speak K-lish, Lesson 3
[Mr Lady] I hate it, too. So much. I just can’t quit it.
Sizzle
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 4:48“Dear David Archuleta: You may not use Prime Time TV to audition for the Gay Christian Pop Rockers Kidz Bop. Or Up With People. Thank you. Signed, the Not 8-16 year old demographic.”
HA HA HA!
I hate Syesha. Seriously.
Sizzle’s last blog post..Sizzle & Kaply Take on IKEA
[Mr Lady] Yeah, I agree. She can suck it.
Natalie
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 5:34So do you umm, like Aerosmith?
Cus I’ve TOTALLY met Steven Tyler.
Except I shook his hand and didn’t know it until afterwards.
But I’m still cool, right?
[Mr Lady] Can I touch you, please?
Kelley
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 6:06Again with the alienating the Aussie readers. Or reader. Is it just me and you just wanna send me over the edge? Perhaps start posting photos of people wearing *vomit* crocs *vomit*, that will totally drive me away.
Cause that is what you are trying to do, right? *sob*
Kelley’s last blog post..A Ninjariffic Mothers Day!
[Mr Lady] Kells, I’m from COLORADO. Do you really want me to start in on the Crocs? PS: Australia is the coolest place on Earth and all the really great bloggers live there. ;-)
Xbox4NappyRash
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 6:08Is there not a Canadian idol?
now THAT would be a whole new ‘level’ in entertainment.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..I said ‘Nappy’, dammit
[Mr Lady] There is, brother. Oh is there ever. Imagine, um, errr, American Idol. In Ryan Seacrest’s Grandmothers basement. Filmed by Quentin Tarentino back in the Reservoir Dogs days. With a lot of Celine Dion covers. Oh, and Nickelback. Tons of that, too. Crying Uncle yet?
Neil
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 11:46I’m not crazy about her, but it is clear to me that the judges or producers want Syesha out of there, so they made her performances out to be worse than they really were.
Neil’s last blog post..Imaginary Paris on $5000 a Day
[Mr Lady] Quite possible. And quite the conspiracy theory. I like the way you think, Neil.
amy
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 13:03Why have you not been doing AI updates all season? I would have loved to hear your thoughts on some of the other train wrecks that have been booted off. And I will tell you that my two preteen girls who are supposed to be swooning over David A with the rest of their demographic think he is the biggest geek ever and are crushing on Mr. Cook. See I’m raising them right.
amy’s last blog post..Nursing is NOT in her future
[Mr Lady] Because I am ashamed. Actually, I have been, just not here. Click here and search the American Idol posts. I live comment weekly to his live posts. Pathetic, I know.
Tammy
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 13:05Love the commentary. I read this post and the song “I Wanna New Drug” but Huey Lewis popped in my head….this AI drug just isn’t doin it for me. And Yet I watch it….better yet….I TIVO it every.single.week.
Tammy’s last blog post..There’s an art to eating pasta!
[Mr Lady] Remember when he was on Sesame Street singing Hip to be a Square? Yeah, neither did I until just now. And now I may never forget. You hate me, don’t you?
Mike Marshall
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 13:23Okay……………I have never watched and I don’t ever intend to watch AI. I like to listen to Hard Rock and some Metal. “BUT” I loves me some Billy Joel……..his voice gives me goosebumps. Don’t tell anyone! (haha) God Bless, Mike.
[Mr Lady] It’s Unamerican to dislike Billy Joel. I approve. Metallica RULZ!
traci
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 13:24You make me wanna watch that damn show……but I will hold out another season or so and settle for watching Paula geek out on Youtube videos.
traci’s last blog post..Pepsi Challenge and a Wordless Wednesday
[Mr Lady] Whaaa? Paula? YOUTUBE? Where do I sign up?
Jennifer
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 13:40I’ve still never watched, but I’ve gained a great appreciation. I hate AI, but I love AI ranting posts.
Jennifer’s last blog post..Bill of Rights? Bloomberg doesn’t need them
[Mr Lady] Oh, dude, you gotta just once. It’s so dirty.
MidLifeMamma
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 13:59I thought I was the only person left on the planet who knows what “Up With People” is. HA! If little David A. doesn’t stop SQUINTING because he is trying not to close his eyes because stupid awful Sir Andrew “I plagiarize myself constantly” Lloyd Weber told him to stop CLOSING his eyes I might blow an aneurism. Close em, open em, but STOP SQUINTING. It is creepy.
MidLifeMamma’s last blog post..How I spent Mother’s Day
[Mr Lady] I am, sadly, all too familiar with Up With People. We can thank Carin for reminding me of that horror.
Kat
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 14:02Holy shit!!! You speak my thoughts…I have to meet you!! David Archaletta sux…I just don’t get it! And I have to admit, there was a little dry humping the tv after Mr.Cook’s performances around here, as well!
Happy Day to you…loved the post!
Kat’s last blog post..NOT THAT THERE?S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT, part 3
[Mr Lady] I wasn’t a fan of his in the beginning, but lately he’s been making me grateful I still don’t have my tubes tied.
Darcie
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 14:18I haaaaaate black jeans. But you know that.
[Mr Lady] Oh, I know it. And that’s why I loves you.
christy
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 14:39Winning Idol isn’t cool.
So Archuleta should win, it suits him.
David Cook would do better without that millstone around his neck.
Poor Archuleta and his terminal uncool, and Daddy Dearest background…….
Oh my God. I am actually pitying someone on a reality show. I need a drink.
christy’s last blog post..My shopping chromosome is missing…..
[Mr Lady] You may need several. You’re worse off than I thought. :)
Candy
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 16:45I’m really crossing my fingers that Archuletta is going home this week, so I can watch my-20-something-part-time-lover-David-Cook kick Syesha’s ass back to Florida and community theater where she belongs and for which she is clearly auditioning each and every week.
Candy’s last blog post..More Effective than a Breathalizer
[Mr Lady] I kinda stopped caring after Chris Daughtry got sent home last season. In fact, I think last season blew it for me entirely. Yet I still watch it. And apparently, now I blog it, too. And you make an EXCELLENT point about Syesha. I see her doing tranny musical theater, personally. She’s got the upper body strength for it.
Kim
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 17:23I still can’t believe you watch idol. (shaking head.. LOL)
Kim’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Fluff and Fold
[Mr Lady] You and me both, sister.
Carin
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 17:24I actually saw Up With People at my high school … way back in 19mumblemumble.
And I would definitely show both Davids my boobS – Cook because he’s teh hawt and Archuleta because I’d want to see him pass out. Syesha may be beautiful, but she doesn’t get to see my boobs because she’s boring.
Carin’s last blog post..Sorta Live-blogged
[Mr Lady] I have an old friend that TOURED with Up With People. Way back in 19mumblemumble.
Carin
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 17:25Oops. Here’s an extra “S” to place wherever you’d like in my previous comment.
Carin’s last blog post..Sorta Live-blogged
ssgreylord
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 17:28I would so love to say I followed that. But boring as I am I’ve never watched American Idol (yikes, don’t judge me) I’m usually watching some goofy PG movie with my kids.
ssgreylord’s last blog post..The Glutton in Me
[Mr Lady] Don’t judge YOU? Dude, I am blogging American Idol. Please don’t judge ME.
Secret Agent Mama's Fill In
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 17:34Mishelle is on her way to your house, with her vintage Aerosmith tee shirt on. She’s practicing her best “Jaded”, “Reefer Head Woman”, and “Round and Round” lyrics!!!
She knows that it’s not physically possible for the two of you to have little babies, but she wants to try. She’ll try anything to get in your pants.
Sincerely,
SAM’s FI
Secret Agent Mama’s Fill In’s last blog post..Can’t Make This Stuff Up
[Mr Lady] Fill in? What? Tell her I’m down for trying. She makes cute babies.
NukeDad
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 19:40Okay, officially outing myself as a Fan Dogelberg dan. I mean, Dan Fogelberg fan. Given: “Longer” is the sappiest, skankiest, gag reflex inducing song ever; I might even put “Run for the Roses” and a couple others up there, but dis the man’s entire career?! He has a TON of songs that ROCK, and roll, if you’re so inclined. Saying he “Sux in toto” is like saying Sally “You really, really like me!” Field deserves to win more Oscars. Please! OK, I feel better. Oh, I dig Metallica also, just so you know, I mean….nevermind.
NukeDad’s last blog post..Big Word Wednesday-Week 6
[Mr Lady] No shame, NukeDad. I loves me some Folgelberg. Just Longer, man…it makes me want to chew on tinfoil. Because that would feel better on the head. I LOVES ME SOME FOLGELBERG. (Go ahead, Mas Younon, lemme have it….)
Shelly
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 19:49Oh my god, how funny! I love Roker Boy as I call him!! He has to win or I will never watch the show again. Paula needs some help, or maybe I need to try what shes on to deal with her….
[Mr Lady] The first part of recovery is acceptance. You WILL watch again. We all do. I think I might have to start an AiA group.
Ashley
Wednesday, 14 May, 2008 at 21:29Lol!
Ashley’s last blog post..For your entertainment?
[Mr Lady] It was the Not Hanging Yet comment, wasn’t it?
Matt
Thursday, 15 May, 2008 at 1:36Sorry, but David Cook is only good by process of elimination. If you close your eyes and listen to him, he is almost always “pitchy” (oh, man, now I’m saying it).
Agree with everything else you said, except I think you skewed David A.’s demo a bit high. More like 2-8.
I would have the Aerosmith shirt for you, (well, not totally vintage), if someone hadn’t stolen it from me when I accidentally bailed into a row of chairs during “Back in the Saddle” at their concert. Yes, it had a skull with a top hat on it. Yes, I bribed the T-shirt dude an extra 20 bucks so I could cut in line so as not to miss the first song. And no, I hadn’t been drinking. OK, I had, but I probably would have fallen anyway.
Matt’s last blog post..RedSparks Baby Gift Giveaway
[Mr Lady] They’re ALL only any good in the context of reality tv, yo. And as for the tshirt? Telling me that is like making me look at a cheesecake behind a glass window. It doesn’t help, and it in fact makes me cry a little. :)
Half-Past Kissin' Time
Thursday, 15 May, 2008 at 12:00But how do you really feel about D.A.? JK I like him; to me he’s a just a sweet little kid. I look forward to seeing the two of them duke it out next week!
Half-Past Kissin’ Time’s last blog post..Turnabout is Fair Play
Mike Marshall
Thursday, 15 May, 2008 at 13:55This is getting good…….Up, Up, with people….you meet ‘em where ever you go…………or a reasonable facsimile therof. Oh and my fav metal band is MEGADETH……..going to see them this Tuesday. Peace, Mike.
Kori
Thursday, 15 May, 2008 at 14:21Thank heavens I still don’t know anything about this post! :)
Kori’s last blog post..Photos: Part 1
Deb (Missives From Suburbia)
Thursday, 15 May, 2008 at 17:01I suppose I’d have to watch American Idol to get all this *sigh*. I feel cheated. I didn’t get my normal dose of Mr. Lady today.
Deb (Missives From Suburbia)’s last blog post..Enough Said
Momo Fali
Thursday, 15 May, 2008 at 19:40David Cook? Puuuuur? You are so very wrong. Maybe if he’d get that stick out of his arse, or better yet, I’ll just drink more.
Momo Fali’s last blog post..I Didn’t Say Aye Matey
LaskiGal
Friday, 16 May, 2008 at 4:14You watch this? I thought AI was just for dorks like me.
I’ve been doing lame (I have OCD and can’t stop) AI posts since the beginning (I have OCD and can’t stop—see, I really can’t). If you would have just kicked it into gear a little earlier I could be over here LMAO instead of hunkered over the computer spewing out garb.
LaskiGal’s last blog post..Joy
Jamie
Saturday, 17 May, 2008 at 16:37Yup, you made me go look.
And really? You’ll marry for the T-shirt. Better hope David Cucaracha doesn’t show up at your door…
Jamie’s last blog post..Good News