Jun 03 2008
Where’s Waldo?
I’m all about experimentation, and yesterday we decided to try our hand at something new.
…
…
Getting this kid to take a reasonable nap at a reasonable hour. What were you thinking? Pervs.
Anyway, I got her all tucked in and then came downstairs. She seemed ready, she seemed tired, and I was certain systems were go. I went in the kitchen and started washing the 2 days worth of dishes. I spent a while in there, sweeping the floors and scrubbing the countertops, you know, things I only do annually, or if my mother in law is coming over normal cleaning up.
I was in there for about an hour when I heard a little, well, noise. From upstairs. Whatever; I’m ignoring her. I went out for a smoke a bit of fresh air and then I went back into the kitchen to finish up. After that, I didn’t hear anything. Like, nothing. Like, dead silent. “Awww,” I thought, “she’s gotten back into her bed and fallen asleep. Such a big girl. Awwww.” I go up to check on here.
Slowly, quietly, I inch the door open, careful not to wake the sleeping princess.
No dice. Empty bed. Still silence, though. Hmmm.
“She must have crawled into 2of3’s bed for a nap,” I thought. “It IS her favorite place to sleep.” And down the hall I went to gaze upon my beautiful child, who clearly just missed her big brother.
Yeah, not there either.
A small, mitigated wave of something vaguely resembling panic coursed through me. See, she has this habit of sneaking out of the house and climbing into my car and turning on every fucking light, so that by the time I notice, the fucking battery’s dead, and then running into the back yard to swing.. Not really the biggest deal (we live in Suburban Utopia) but we do have a largish creek right behind the house and there has been quite a bit of rain lately.
Where….the….hell….is….my….kid…..?
I stood, silently, eyes closed, listening for One. Single. Sound. Nothing. And then I turned and looked at the bathroom door. CLOSED. LIGHT ON. Full blown terror shot through me. That’s what I get for fucking being a decent mother and washing the fucking dishes instead of sitting on my ass blogging. My kid has drown to death in the toilet. I turned and TORE down the stairs to the washroom, threw the door wide open as hard as I could, and saw this:
Well, that’s not actually what I saw. What I saw was that disgusting child completely behind the glass doors, hands over her face, pants F.U.L.L. of poop, hiding from me. Silent as the grave.
I shrieked, and I don’t know if it was out of relief or horror. I’m betting it was a bit of both. I slid the door of the shower open, touched her face just to be sure, and then turned to grab my camera. (Come on, you know me better than to think I wouldn’t by now), and that’s when I saw this:
You know when something really, truly terrifying happens to you or someone you love, and 2.53 seconds after the relief hits you that they’re okay, the rage hits you? Yeah, something almost just like that happened. This was, by far, the least awesome scavenger hunt I’ve ever been on. I don’t know what I was more angry about, all the scrubbing my husband I was going to have to do later, or the fact that I was forced to throw away the last remnant of my young, angsty past:
The best part? My husband, who had been gone all day, walked in not 5 minutes after I found her, when the living room still looked like a tornado had blown through it, the bathroom looked like THAT and the kid (and me, merely from proximity) looked like we’d just spent a good, hearty day loading Sixteen Tons*. Good thing he doesn’t pay me for this gig….pretty sure I’d have been fired on the spot.
*Yep, full aware that half of you won’t get that and the other half will chuckle at me for so grossly dating myself. Thanks.
Comments close after 14 days. And there's Captcha if you're nasty. 68 Comments to “Where’s Waldo?”
Is that the same dang lipstick from the other day?!
I’m not laughing at you, but because my 2 year 4 month-er is looking at the pic and saying “duhty baby!” ;)
Jen-The Mom’s last blog post..Cowboy Up or Go Home
Yes, yes it is. and tell those lovely children that Auntie Mr Lady said to shut their traps. :)
I have to admit, this post is hilarious. I don’t know if it was the line about drowning in the toilet, or just euphoric relief that my daughter isn’t the only child who can create that kind of carnage. Quietly.
Either way, it made me laugh, and I somehow feel relieved. Lighter even. Its kind of like showing up to a black tie party in jeans and a t-shirt, then seeing someone else walk in in jeans and a t-shirt and saying “Whew!”
matt’s last blog post..Emotional Freefall
I have a tendency to make other parents feel MUCH better about themselves.
Umm, count me in the chuckling half. That lipstick NEEDED TO GO. She did you a favor. Good girl.
Are you really talking smack about my black lipstick? I ROCK that shit, yo.
Great capture! I say it’s important to accumulate hard evidence.
It will be great to hold over her head when she’s a teenager.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Peep Award
I fully intend to bill her for the dry cleaning later. I’m happy you see things my way.
*snicker laugh guffaw roll on the ground in hysterics*
sorry. I’ll control myself now. this is reason no. 4,238 that i’m glad my youngest is 13.
the planet of janet’s last blog post..Random acts of blondness, part the third — now with bonus FISH!
Rub it in, Janet. Rub it in.
I’m just really really happy it was lipstick.
my brother at like six, totaled the bathroom with his own feces. like, needed to re-wallpaper, mother did have the rage, kid grounded for 3 weeks totaled.
3of3 would have a much better excuse, had it NOT been lipstick, than my bro. (i was wondering where you’d been)
zoeyjane’s last blog post..Step One and Two are in Effect (and Three)
Um, Ewww. Like, so much. And did I go somewhere?
At least the black lipstick wasn’t poop …
Giraffe Parade’s last blog post..Proof of Life
You guys are SO GROSS with your poop tales! (Because I’m one to talk…)
At first I thought, is that poop on the mirror? But that’s just my subconscious talking (just watched The Savages and there is a scene similar but with an old man). Then I wondered: is that hair dye? Kinda glad it’s not either of those even though that’s so awful to clean up!
Oh, God. Hair Dye? There would be one toddler for sale on Craigslist. Cheap.
OH. MY. LIFE. That’s so gross. good job on not killing anyone today.
MomBabe’s last blog post..Big News
IT’S NOT POOP!
okay, just kidding. I just realized that it wasn’t poop and now I feel all dumb and stuff. sigh. seriously though, the not killing anyone today qualifies for like, three girls nights. don’t cha’ think?
MomBabe’s last blog post..Big News
I re-read, and I can see where one could have easily made that mistake. Wanna help me cash in Night One? :-)
Seriously, dude, I had to read this post multiple times just to be sure that it wasn’t poop smeared all over her and the mirror. I said “Holy Shit” aloud before I realized I’d even done it, and I almost wet my pants laughing with relief when I realized it was lipstick. So, if you’re breaking up with me, you’ll have to wait till at least tomorrow to do it — because after this post, I sooo feel THAT way about you! That is, as soon as you’re clean again, I do.
MommyTime’s last blog post..The Good, the Bad, and the Prom-y
Our love will never die, especially now that I’ve figured out how to make you swear.
That is a really nice shade of black for her..did you tell her she missed a few spots?!
Kat’s last blog post..abstinence in the kountry (instead of?)
And with that, you will officially never be asked to babysit. Clever girl….
Don’tcha love that wash of pure cold fear and then the heat from the scream that’s battling its way out of you?
daysgoby’s last blog post..the crazy place
It’s the weirdest sort of insto-106 degree fever thing ever, like riding a roller coaster, with none of the awesomeness.
You had me at experimentation.
Snort.
Ree’s last blog post..Ka-Thud & A Chance to Win!
Yeah, I thought I would. But YOU get the 16 tons, don’t you?
Glad to know I am not the only one who fears silence means a toddler drowning in a toilet. Oh. My. Bob. I’d have shrieked so loudly she’d have cried being scared what the yelping meant. Good for you for taking pics instead!!
Nola’s last blog post..A Lafayette Rumor
Oh, I yelped. I just didn’t take a picture of it.
You know you are a devoted blogger when you run for the camera after a disaster like that. I did similar stuff as a child. Actually after I pooed my pants I smeared the poo all over the bedroom and my rocking chair, I was redecorating!
Great post & captures, I laughed so hard!
Dirty Laundry Diva’s last blog post..The history of myself and SoftheartedToughguy, breaking the cycle is hard!
OMG. Who ARE you people? :-)
That lipstick will eventually be poop–she probably ate about a ton.
I mean, isn’t she the butter eater?
Whew. I felt your panic…..relief…….anger…….amusement.
I truly laughed, cried, etc. You have a gift!
(At blogging, not so much the parenting, apparently…)
Christy’s last blog post..Keep the mystery, or pass the pottie
I AM AN EXCELLENT MOTHER. And I am going to repeat that, loudly, until I start believing it.
oh, god … how smart was she to hide from you while doing THAT?
Keep repeating to yourself … at least she didn’t drown in the lake … at least she didn’t drown in the lake …
moo’s last blog post..how we spent the vacation, including the photo challenge, light & heavy
Dude, so smart, you don’t even know. I clearly didn’t drop her enough. See? GOOD MOTHER.
I swear I started to sweat when I first glanced at the picture and then read the post.. THANK goodness it was not poop.. Black lipstick ey?
..and I hope you were not listening to Captain and Tennille because that could totally fuel the rage.
Kim’s last blog post..Hold Onto The Night - A Prom Carnival
You know I was, and I was holding your picture the whole time.
Oh my good Lawd child! So sorry you had that on your hands (well I hope it wasn’t on your hands!). Thanks for the pics. Priceless.
Mrs. Kitty’s last blog post..What do I look like?!
Darling, it was on my EVERYTHING.
You are an EXCELLENT MOTHER! (My smiley usage is poor, poor…)
Christy’s last blog post..Keep the mystery, or pass the pottie
Uh huh….I have 1,000 post proving the contrary. :-)
Dude, I totally thought it was poop, too. And also had to read it a few times. But man, the first read-through I was on the edge of my seat! Very visceral. I can feel your rage even from down here, but it is pretty hilarious.
Yes, yes it was.
is that lipstick. forget the poop. a more imp. question - why do you have black lipstick in your house, are we missing something about your life pray tell? do you disguise as cat woman and go saving the earth, except perhaps with more intelligence than halle berry. i mean i am really baffled by the presence of blk lipstick. at least i think it s blk.
i am glad she is fine. yeah, that would be a day to remember. my friend’s kids once poured talcum powder all over from the top of the stairs down to the living room wood floors, and believe me when i say they had fun doing it and the floor was all white all over. and in the pictures, i can see my friend making them sweep it all up, and trying so hard to not look amused. these are the bestest crazy moments. like the time my son filled my guest bathroom trash with water…just bc he loves me so much and loves to play with water while on the toilet.
I have black lipstick because I am
immaturekeepin’ it REAL, yo. And dude, I am CRINGING at those stories you have. UGH!I know a song called Sixteen Tons, but I don’t get how that would date you, seeing as it was written in 1947 (and possibly earlier) and there is no way, no WAY you were alive then. Oh yeah, and hilarious photos, even if the mess itself is not so hilarious. For you. I’ll bet she had a ball making it!
Fawn’s last blog post..This is how we make decisions
No, but I am, unfortunately, just old enough to know it all too well. And she did. She screamed like I’d shot down Dora when I threw the lipstick out.
You know this is what you get for the simultaneous taking away of her crib and her bottle, right? That little girl ain’t no fool. You’re gonna pay.
Latte Mommy’s last blog post..Prom: It’s All About the Drama
I’m going to whisper this so no one hears it….she got the bottle back.
Yah, quiet is never good.
I have similar pictures of my son with my mascara, son with baby lotion, and son with suntan lotion.
Kate’s last blog post..Oh, What a Beautiful Morning!
She puts mascara on her cheeks every day while I get did-up and says, “Pwetty baby, momma!”
Wait. Hold on! I didn’t realize it was POOP! Oh MAN! its WAY worse now!
Just kidding.
Matt’s last blog post..Emotional Freefall
Maaaatt!
Hee hee . . . runnin’ for the camera! Such a blogger. Did you tell her, “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE . . . “?
I was all geeked thinking maybe you had the answer to my nap time dilemma. No go.
You gotta share when you wear the black lipstick. My mind is already creating some pretty crazy pictures . . .
LaskiGal’s last blog post..Wordless (except for the small print) Wednesday
Jameson. Quarts and quarts of Jameson. For me, of course. ;-)
This made me tired. Don’t know how you ever get anything done if you can’t leave the kiddos alone every once in a while to clean, chill, etc. I’d be a wreck worrying about what was next.
Found it funny that you thought of the camera and blogging so soon after discovering your little one’s disaster.
Diane’s last blog post..Heading home
Of COURSE I did, Diane! Remember the poop in the tub? :)
You haven’t lived until the kid has actually spread poop all over the bathroom. Pfft. Lipstick. Poop is where it’s at. Think of it as brown finger paint.
OhPrincess2 likes to sneak down the street to the neighbors house when Dad is vacuuming or otherwise preoccupied. Down the street.
You may be another day older, not sure this makes you deeper in debt.
OhCaptain’s last blog post..A Nits Cleaning of the Garage: a retrospective
I must admit, when I quickly read “hands over her face, pants F.U.L.L. of poop,” I totally thought that the black lipstick was actually poo. Um, G.R.O.S.S. Yeah. Glad [for everyone's sake, that is wasn't]. But I really did think, at first, that that was what you meant.
How old is the littlest angel *cough*? Good luck getting her to nap. Looks like somebody inherited a bit of Mommy. Not that you ever have, or ever would, smear black lipstick all over your face and the bathroom, but she just seems, well, so YOU. Haha.
flickrlovr’s last blog post..Free At Last!
Have we met in real life? You seem to know too much.
Alright, I know I’m not on AIM, but just had to correct myself [in my comment]. I meant to say *Glad [for everyone's sake] that IT wasn’t. Not IS wasn’t. Gawd. I am so sorry.
flickrlovr’s last blog post..Free At Last!
GAWD, I wish I had that plugin that lets people edit their comments. Though, after you pointing your finger at me and laughing, I’m HAPPY to let you live with your typos. *evil cackle*
You don’t have to be a baby to cry.
I would have cried. Out loud. Seeing my PINK lipstick smeared across the mirror. How long did it take you to clean up? ;)
ohmommy’s last blog post..Honestly, I am not a party pooper.
It’s creativity dammit.
Don’t see the issue.
Xbox4NappyRash’s last blog post..So you don’t fancy my soul
(Snapping fingers) “You load sixteen tons…..and what do you get?” “Another day older and deeper in debt” “Saint Peter don’t ya call me ’cause I can’t gooooooooooooooooooo………..I owe my soul to the company store” Tennessee Ernie fucking Ford. I remember when they played that shit on the radio…………damn I’m old. Anyway………I knew that wasn’t doodee…..unless you been feedin’ that kid nothing but Mole. You……..my friend , are one hilarious Mr. Lady! Peace and God Bless ya, Mike.
Hilarious post. Loved the accompanying photo. It always warms my heart to know I’m not alone.
Reminds me of my little ladies about 6 months ago. My 5 year old comes upstairs naked and I ask her why she’s naked. Her reply, “because Sheridan’s naked.” So I ask the obvious… ,” Why is Sheridan naked?” She answers, “Because she was coloring.”
Up walks my darling 3 year old who showed me her body art… Her lime green vagina - colored beautifully on top and everywhere underneath all the way to her anus.
I had to walk out of the room to contain my laughter. I came back with a camera… to take a photo to send to the “doctor” (aka my parents). Daddy too walked in about 5 minutes later, and immediately threw her in the tub. Thankfully she used washable markers.
Jill’s last blog post..Shalom, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Good-Bye
Um, yeah. thanks. I will now have that goddamned song going through my head. All. Day. Long.
Kori’s last blog post..Avoidance Works
I agree with XBox…very creative! That is some sweet ass mirror art! Bet you could get a couple hundred for it from some artsy fartsy person… :D
Jared’s last blog post..Vacation to Iowa!
I swear I’m not laughing. I would so have grabbed my camera, too!!
rachel’s last blog post..Mouthwatering Monday: Monkey Bread
OMG. Well, for one thing, thanks for helping me feel better about not doing the dishes last night. It’s frighteningly true that no good deed goes unpunished.
Maybe you’ll get to pay her back when she cares for you in your later years?
April’s last blog post..Dona Nobis Pacem
Best sentence in the whole post:
This was, by far, the least awesome scavenger hunt I’ve ever been on.
LMAO! GREAT post!
Daprincess’s last blog post..Your Mom Wished For More
[...] Uncategorized | Read this blog entry and you will laugh and laugh. Plus you’ll add her to your BlogRoll like I just [...]
At least it wasn’t the black nail polish.
or a trash can full of pee, but that’s a story for another day.
Jennifer’s last blog post..Qualifications for Obama’s Friends
Off to go lock the bathroom door from the inside!
Huckdoll’s last blog post..Huck’s Illy Picks and Stuff
That has got to be the most horrifying and hilarious thing I have ever seen! Better you than me- but my heart goes out!
GoMommy’s last blog post..TMI
I thought it was poop too and my first thought was -gross, I hope you disinfected the camera, but glad to hear that it was just an ugly goth shade of lipstick- WTF, halloween lipstick?
tenakim’s last blog post..My Escape
I always panic when the house full of kids gets quiet. You just KNOW they’re up to no good!
And that photo is classic - she looks SO guilty!
SherE1’s last blog post..Must have been a really good burger
Well, at least the poop wasn’t all over her face… because that was my first thought when I read that! LMAO!
I can imagine how difficult it was to clean that gunk off!!
Jenty’s last blog post..Project Blue | WW: At a local fish shop
As I am reading this I don’t have silence but rather galloping. ThingTwo has reached the age where walking is no longer an option, so she bounds, sometimes gallops, but never walks. She has now galloped from one end of the house to the other about 15 times in a row chanting something about, “Ill geth ith fow you ThingOne!”. There will inevitably be a pile of whatever “ith” was, in her bed where it sounds like ThingOne and BestFriendOne are playing puppet master.
As for the POOP. (I had to get in on it too, come on) Everytime ThingTwo walks up to me with her soiled diaper in her hands and declares “I poo daddy.” I scoop her up, clean her up and then race around the house looking for any schrapnel that may have scattered before she found me.
Silence or Chaos, it can spell the same result.
I’m feeling it.
I know that fear. Maybe not quite the fear of the child that’s snuck out of the house (we have an alarm system with chimes for when any exterior door is opened) but the fear of What the Hell Are They Up To? I’m glad it’s not poop. But I am laughing. Until my own kid pulls something like this. Then I give you permission to totally laugh at me. Not that you need my permission.
Andrea’s last blog post..Letters
Oh my gentle Jesus. It’s great that one is able to laugh about such moments. It’s either laugh or turn to infantcide. Or, if you’re plumb crazy - both!
Glad the little one was safe and sound! Sorry to hear about the horrible mess!
calicobebop’s last blog post..Here and Now
LMAO - We need to just have cameras hanging around our necks at all times. Or maybe in a holster….(note to self: patent idea: Camera holster for bloggers…)
Sue’s last blog post..Countdown to the Camp-less Summer.
Look on the bright side….she could have stuck her hands in her pants and smeared poop all over the bathroom instead of your black lipstick!
Mindi’s last blog post..Perhaps I was just looking for more blog fodder?
Dood. Those pictures? You must save them for a.) blackmail when she’s a teenager, b.) to show to her prom dates and c.) to be used as invitations to her 16th birthday party.
Payback’s a bitch, kid.
Major Bedhead’s last blog post..Yes, We Can
I had to re-read this a few times to realize that was lipstick…whew… this really is some great blackmail material for later. You know we all would have taken pictures too. :D
Tara R.’s last blog post..Random Wednesday - misspent youth
I’m DYING over here. DYING. At first, when you said “poop”, I thought the worst. Lipstick — especially sentimental lipstick — is not good, but waaaayyy better than fingerpainting with poop. Trust me on that.
Deb (Missives From Suburbia)’s last blog post..Real Observations
I re-read that line about the pants full of poop a few times before I decided that you would have written this much differently had it been poop and not black lipstick. I hope that black lipstick is properly disposed of now, and not just hidden. She will find it. It need to be removed from the house.. LOL
Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..Project 365 (286/365)
Oh, I so feel your pain. We still remind my four year old of the day she had a shit party and ruined her special pull toy elephant.
Not Just Any Jen’s last blog post..Just Some Retail Therapy
I feel bad for laughing at this…better you than me ♥
ewww.
Ashley’s last blog post..Zucchini & Tomato Frittata
oh good lord. at least it wasn’t the black nail polish cause that stuff is seriously hard to clean up. sadly i know this from experience.
ms picket to you’s last blog post..More Proof of My Parenting Genius
OMG. No way. Are you SURE you weren’t blogging? I dont believe you were cleaning. Seriously. Who DOES that?
Miss’s last blog post..?
Don’t let her dress up in trenchcoats or marilyn manson stomping boots and she will be fine. Is this the goth talk sketch on Snl? jk
soge shirts’s last blog post..The Second most interesting man in the world
I don’t mean to laugh but, well, yeah, I’m laughing.
Chris Cactus’s last blog post..The Weeklies #39
Wow, Love It. She’s a perfect angel.
This is the funniest post I have read in months. My favorite part (guess why) is the beginning; the line about how often you clean your counter tops. LOVED this post. Thank you.
Half-Past Kissin’ Time’s last blog post..Why Kendall might be sorry I work at her middle school…
Don’t you just love husbands? They always arrive just in the nick of time?
Betsy Bird’s last blog post..Maybe I Should Not Post More Often
OMG, at first I thought it was poop all over. Whew…glad I figured out it wasn’t. Because I was so going to say you have me beat, cause poop trumps honey for sure! But no, I’m STILL cleaning honey off the piano.
She is adorable though!
Kristine’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday