My husband has a Columbia House membership. He’s had it long enough that we are through with out “commitment” and could either cancel the membership or order 8,493 more movies that we don’t have room to store for $.02/each. Or, there is always route three…the don’t cancel, don’t order any, but don’t reply to the card they send in the mail and let $62 movie after $62 movie show up in the mailbox.

Guess which route we’ve taken. Go on, guess.

So, just the other day, this DVD rolls up in my mailbox. Alvin and, oh yes, those glorious Chipmunks. My father once gave my brother a tape of the Alvin & the Chipmunks album that was popular in the 80’s, but clever guy that he was did so over an old Blue Oyster Cult tape. If you know any one thing about my mother, you’re giggling right now. She made us unscrew the cassette casing, melt the tape, chop up the plastic housing, melt that, and them beat the pile of ashes with baseball bats until she was certain that no one could reconstruct it and have Satan Himself coming out of their speakers.

Needless to say, I have conflicting feelings about them. I mean, the thought of them, and the great Cassette Tape Possession and Subsequent Exorcism Thereof Debacle of the mid 1980’s is seriously one of my favorite childhood memories (yes, I had an unacceptable sense of humour even then) but yeah; shrieking rodents? Not cool. It hurts.

So, just the other day, this DVD rolls up in my mailbox. The minions? DEEEE-lighted. Squeals of glee echoed through the halls of Chez Mr Lady and before I knew it, they’d gotten the thing out of its cardboard box, unwrapped it, gotten all of those freaking ridiculous plastic strips off (I managed a video store for A YEAR and still can’t do that) and it was on the tube.

Yesterday, I was sick as a dog. So I caved and let them have tv on a school-night. Today is Friday. Know what that means? That means as soon as school is over, it’s TV free-for-all. We have not gone more than 5.3 seconds without the all new, Jason-Lee-Broke-My-Heart-And-Made-Me-Cry, computer animated A & the C movie playing, on 50-something Glorious inches.

Um, help?

So, now that this stupid movie has shown up in my mailbox that I didn’t order, don’t want, and wasn’t required to get, I hate all things chipmunk. Our recipes this week? How to help Mr Lady with her little problem.

From The Bob Rivers Show:

3 Bean Chipmunk Chili

First, you are going to need about 10 or so fat chipmunks – best thing to do is capture the little buggers and fatten them up. This way you can make sure they are disease free. Also, you can monitor what they eat. Unless you don’t care then, just go out and hunt down 10-15 chipmunks. If you use a shotgun, please make sure to remove all shot from the meat first. IF you use any “Road Meat” chipmunks, please make sure they are fresh kills – makes it easier to peel the fur off.

Use a cat capture cage, bait it with peanut butter. Once you have captured about 10 to 15 of the little guys, set them up in large cages (each cage should measure 4 x 4 at least). Do not put more than 1 or 2 to a cage. Give them bird houses to live out of.

Now for the next 2-3 months, feed those little guys. Plenty of veggies, (carrots apples, etc.) nuts, (walnuts, etc. shells off) fresh water (put some vitamins into the water), oatmeal. Keep the cages clean.

When the day comes, just shoot the little buggers right there in their cages. Make sure you decapitate them right after and strip their fur off. Hold them upside down to make sure all the blood runs out.

Save the fur – you can make a nice pair of gloves with them later.

With a sharp knife, de-bone the little guys, but save the bones. Once you have your pile of bones, put them in a 2 qt pan and boil them. You will use this as your stock for your chili.

Chop up meat into fine pieces or grind.

2 lb. Chipmunk meat pieces
1 small yellow onion, chopped
1 small green pepper, chopped
2 cans (16 oz. each) Dark Red Kidney Beans, undrained
2 cans (16 oz. each) Pinto Beans, undrained
2 cans (16 oz. each) Black Beans, undrained
1 can (14.5 oz.) diced tomatoes, undrained
1 can (6 oz.) tomato paste
2 envelopes chili seasoning mix
1/2 tsp. Ground Cinnamon
1-1/4 cups Sour Cream

Use your broth you made from the bones to boil the meat in a large sauce pot on low heat.

Make sure you do this slowly, use a slow cooker to make the meat tender. Cook for about 3 hours on low heat. Then let it set for 30 minutes and skim off any fat.

Add onion and green pepper; cook until tender, bring up to a low boil on medium heat, stirring frequently.

ADD all remaining ingredients except sour cream; mix well. Bring to boil; cover. Reduce heat to medium-low; simmer 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.

SPOON into soup bowls; top with sour cream.

And don’t forget about Dessert! From Cooks.com, and no, I’m not kidding. I really found it there.

Turnpike Turnover Dessert

6 chipmunks
Tube of puff pastry dough
1/4 c. powdered sugar
1/4 c. milk
6 acorns

Skin and cut chipmunks. Wash and place acorn in each mouth. Divide pastry, pat flat, place chipmunk on pastry and roll like taco. Brush with milk. Sprinkle with sugar. Bake at 375 degrees for 40 minutes on cookie sheet.