Jun 07 2008
Rate the Hate the Columbia House Can Bite Me Edition
My husband has a Columbia House membership. He’s had it long enough that we are through with out “commitment” and could either cancel the membership or order 8,493 more movies that we don’t have room to store for $.02/each. Or, there is always route three…the don’t cancel, don’t order any, but don’t reply to the card they send in the mail and let $62 movie after $62 movie show up in the mailbox.
Guess which route we’ve taken. Go on, guess.
So, just the other day, this DVD rolls up in my mailbox. Alvin and, oh yes, those glorious Chipmunks. My father once gave my brother a tape of the Alvin & the Chipmunks album that was popular in the 80’s, but clever guy that he was did so over an old Blue Oyster Cult tape. If you know any one thing about my mother, you’re giggling right now. She made us unscrew the cassette casing, melt the tape, chop up the plastic housing, melt that, and them beat the pile of ashes with baseball bats until she was certain that no one could reconstruct it and have Satan Himself coming out of their speakers.
Needless to say, I have conflicting feelings about them. I mean, the thought of them, and the great Cassette Tape Possession and Subsequent Exorcism Thereof Debacle of the mid 1980’s is seriously one of my favorite childhood memories (yes, I had an unacceptable sense of humour even then) but yeah; shrieking rodents? Not cool. It hurts.
So, just the other day, this DVD rolls up in my mailbox. The minions? DEEEE-lighted. Squeals of glee echoed through the halls of Chez Mr Lady and before I knew it, they’d gotten the thing out of its cardboard box, unwrapped it, gotten all of those freaking ridiculous plastic strips off (I managed a video store for A YEAR and still can’t do that) and it was on the tube.
Yesterday, I was sick as a dog. So I caved and let them have tv on a school-night. Today is Friday. Know what that means? That means as soon as school is over, it’s TV free-for-all. We have not gone more than 5.3 seconds without the all new, Jason-Lee-Broke-My-Heart-And-Made-Me-Cry, computer animated A & the C movie playing, on 50-something Glorious inches.
Um, help?
So, now that this stupid movie has shown up in my mailbox that I didn’t order, don’t want, and wasn’t required to get, I hate all things chipmunk. Our recipes this week? How to help Mr Lady with her little problem.
3 Bean Chipmunk Chili
First, you are going to need about 10 or so fat chipmunks - best thing to do is capture the little buggers and fatten them up. This way you can make sure they are disease free. Also, you can monitor what they eat. Unless you don’t care then, just go out and hunt down 10-15 chipmunks. If you use a shotgun, please make sure to remove all shot from the meat first. IF you use any “Road Meat” chipmunks, please make sure they are fresh kills - makes it easier to peel the fur off.
Use a cat capture cage, bait it with peanut butter. Once you have captured about 10 to 15 of the little guys, set them up in large cages (each cage should measure 4 x 4 at least). Do not put more than 1 or 2 to a cage. Give them bird houses to live out of.
Now for the next 2-3 months, feed those little guys. Plenty of veggies, (carrots apples, etc.) nuts, (walnuts, etc. shells off) fresh water (put some vitamins into the water), oatmeal. Keep the cages clean.
When the day comes, just shoot the little buggers right there in their cages. Make sure you decapitate them right after and strip their fur off. Hold them upside down to make sure all the blood runs out.
Save the fur - you can make a nice pair of gloves with them later.
With a sharp knife, de-bone the little guys, but save the bones. Once you have your pile of bones, put them in a 2 qt pan and boil them. You will use this as your stock for your chili.
Chop up meat into fine pieces or grind.
2 lb. Chipmunk meat pieces
1 small yellow onion, chopped
1 small green pepper, chopped
2 cans (16 oz. each) Dark Red Kidney Beans, undrained
2 cans (16 oz. each) Pinto Beans, undrained
2 cans (16 oz. each) Black Beans, undrained
1 can (14.5 oz.) diced tomatoes, undrained
1 can (6 oz.) tomato paste
2 envelopes chili seasoning mix
1/2 tsp. Ground Cinnamon
1-1/4 cups Sour CreamUse your broth you made from the bones to boil the meat in a large sauce pot on low heat.
Make sure you do this slowly, use a slow cooker to make the meat tender. Cook for about 3 hours on low heat. Then let it set for 30 minutes and skim off any fat.
Add onion and green pepper; cook until tender, bring up to a low boil on medium heat, stirring frequently.
ADD all remaining ingredients except sour cream; mix well. Bring to boil; cover. Reduce heat to medium-low; simmer 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.
SPOON into soup bowls; top with sour cream.
And don’t forget about Dessert! From Cooks.com, and no, I’m not kidding. I really found it there.
Turnpike Turnover Dessert
6 chipmunks
Tube of puff pastry dough
1/4 c. powdered sugar
1/4 c. milk
6 acornsSkin and cut chipmunks. Wash and place acorn in each mouth. Divide pastry, pat flat, place chipmunk on pastry and roll like taco. Brush with milk. Sprinkle with sugar. Bake at 375 degrees for 40 minutes on cookie sheet.
Comments close after 5 days. Spam sucks. 29 Comments to “Rate the Hate the Columbia House Can Bite Me Edition”
We had Alvin and Chipmonks when I was a kid about 100 years ago.
You never met my mother. You’d a loved my mother, srsly.
We’d play the record. You’d hear the guy on the record yell, “ALVIN! ALVIN!” Then you’d hear my mom from the other side of the house, “ALVIN, turn that FUCKING thing off!”
Side issue, you think I’m snarky?
Audubon Ron’s last blog post..I’m kinda feeling serious today.
How is meat a dessert? I mean REALLY? You lot are weird. That is totally an appetiser.
MPS sounds like the chipmunks sometimes. But only in winter. When I put my cold cold feet on his warm warm testicles when he is sleeping.
Oh how I laugh!
Kelley’s last blog post..Plurk, it sounds like vomit.
“the great Cassette Tape Possession and Subsequent Exorcism Thereof Debacle of the mid 1980’s is seriously one of my favorite childhood memories” LOL! That’s awesome!
Shannon’s last blog post..no, really, i’m serious!
I’m leaving for China right now. I’ll bet even they can’t top “roadkill in a blanket.” Bye!! Please behave yourself while I am gone.
BusyDad’s last blog post..W8 Loss Wednesday #8 - No Pain, No Gain
Our house has been infiltrated by the scourge that is this movie, thanks to the wonders of OnDemand. All I can say it has going for it is that at least we didn’t pay eleventy billion Columbia Records dollars for it….
And Kelly: puh-leeze! It’s got SUGAR on it. Therefore, dessert. And I can’t wait to go check out your plurk post. I, too, have been wondering how in the name of all that is communication they came up with that name.
MommyTime’s last blog post..An Experiment in Bloggy Exploration
Um, if this is what you’re serving at the “4 Days of Freedom” party, I’m taking my dancing shoes off. Ick.
Latte Mommy’s last blog post..You Know You Wanna…
That recipe only works if you remove the clothing and rapper hats first. I would recommend soundproof cages and a miniature cattle prod to control the singing. Oh, and if PETA asks, you risked your life to rescue them from certain demise at the construction site for a nuclear power plant.
For me, it was Genesis. She still wants to know which one of my friends introduced that satanic rhetoric into my life.
Man. Lots of ‘Munk haters. This troubles me to no end. Can anyone really honestly tell me they don’t have the chipmunk’s Christmas song somewhere on their iPod? Thought not.
Matt’s last blog post..Three Years and Counting – A Father’s Perspective
Sylvia and I “got” to go to the DVD release party of this. I expect the nightmares to end in about 10 years.
April’s last blog post..Dona Nobis Pacem
Um…hmmm. Gross. What more can I say?
BTW, I mentioned you in my blog post today…just so ya know. :)
Bunchy’s last blog post..My Blogger Party Dream
I narrowly avoided a Chipmunks viewing. I did have to sit through Nancy Drew, so I am not totally convinced this was a victory.
Loralee’s last blog post..Five
ii actually really really like the movie. but i LOVE jason lee, so that explains it.
zoeyjane’s last blog post..Boobs, Money and Sunshine
Pssst. You can threaten to cancel your membership with Columbia House and they’ll allow you to do this thing where you don’t have to return the cards. ;-)
Ask me how I know. Go ahead.
Ree’s last blog post..Friday Haiku - Summer Arrives
chipmunk tacos sound gross.
i have eaten squirrel thanks to my dad’s hunting and it did not taste like chicken.
the things we can find on the internet!
missy wiggins’s last blog post..Grumpy Old Men
Columbia House is still around?
I’m a vegan.
Can I just talk really mean to the chipmunks? Till they poop, and I use their dung for fertilizer, grow veggies……
christy’s last blog post..I predict I’ll be wrong….
Oh, and good luck to YOU.
Deb (Missives From Suburbia)’s last blog post..A Boy’s Best Friend
In college, I was the sports editor of the college weekly newspaper. Back in the day, we didn’t have computers layout the newspaper. We did it by hand. A gigantic typsetter, big sheets of paper, the whole 9 yards.
One night, the managing editor comes in and mumbles something about needing to listen to something. She puts a cassette into the boom box we had in the office, and hits the play button.
Hmm. Simon & Garfunkel. There are worse things.
The tape deck had the auto-reverse feature. Do I need to explain that concepts? Well, one hour led to two. Two to three and so on, and so forth. You see, it took all night for us to get the paper typeset and layed out on time. We literelly didn’t sleep on Wednesday night.
A few hours of “Bridge over troubled water” later and the staff had had it. A group formed and took a collection. We raised enough money to buy a new cassette. The editor-in-chief approached the managing editor and told her the bad news. The tape was being destroyed. Here’s the money to get a new copy if she wanted, but under no circumstances was this or any Simon & Garfunkel tape, CD or other recorded media be allowed in the office.
With that said, we actually enjoyed Alvin and the game. The movie was pretty funny.
This probably won’t make the 5 post cut and I don’t have your email. Thanks for letting me type!
OhCaptain’s last blog post..Thank you
haha. This explains it. I had no idea what you meant at plurk earlier about my chipmunks glass of mojito. Allie is obsessed with this movie. it drives me nuts. Clears things up. My glass is actually a Chipette’s glass (the girl chipmunks from back in the day).
Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..Packing, Flying, and Frying
Alvin is a great family movie, no toilet humor.
Chipmunk food, eww….gross……just threw up a little in my mouth.
traci’s last blog post..Young Children = Psychotic
I once had a Columbia House subscription.
One day before I had reached the number of orders I had to, I just threw all their stuff away and pretended like it never happened.
I’m still alive, right? (for now anyway…)
Andre’s last blog post..SoSo doesn’t like discotheques
I found this terribly amusing and read it several times. I’ve been known to hide a video or book that drove me crazy. Recommend screening the mail in the future to keep the minions from driving you crazy with unexpected entertainment or recommend you go take a bubble bath while they enjoy it.
Diane’s last blog post..Heading home
Somewhere earlier in the week I saw a recipe for Cocker Spaniel Cheesecake. You know; if you’re having dessert, and all. Let me know, maybe I can track it down for you. (track, haha)
NukeDad’s last blog post..Hey Buddy, Wanna Buy A Ribeye, Cheap?
I have an ancient cookbook that demonstrates how to skin a squirrel by securing its tail with your huntin’ boot. I wonder if I can skin a chipmunk with my Crocs?
But hey, Alvin probably tastes terrible anyway.
SarahO’s last blog post..More Lemony Goodness on the Horizon!
I was laughing so hard I was peeing…then I had a disturbing thought……I’m in grad school in the friggin’ Ozarks…..so chances are, I have at least one neighbor with chipmunk on the menu tonight, and luving it. Um. Shrinkerella is traumatized, yo.
chipmunks are so small, and unsatisfying really. I prefer squirrel. My sister in law is a coon-ass and supposedly fixes up some mean squirrel.I’ve yet to have it though.
i’m not really quite sure which is most disturbing… the singing rodents OR the recipes for chipmunks that you seriously found on the internet… WTF??? do people really eat this shit?? and if they do… would you seriously eat an effing chipmunk for dessert?? NOT I!! I would not could not eat them here or there, I will not, will not eat them ANY WHERE, I do not like chipmunks cooked up… I guess b/c i’m not THAT effed up.
my son LOVES that movie but we only borrowed it from a friend, we had it for a weekend and lemme telll ya… he has most of it memorized… ugh!! he loves to sing… “Dave likes to wear dirty underwear… ” and other songs from the movie, along with some quirky little sayings too… and I’ll be diggity-dog-damned that he won’t forget not ONE of them… oh well.
good luck!!!
“cause you had a bad day… ”
Jennifer’s last blog post..you MUST watch this…
This is totally off topic but did BD tell ALL of us to behave while he was gone?? SUCH a dad.
Miss’s last blog post..?
Recipe for chipmunks.. now there is something you will not see everyday. Oh, and thanks for making me throw up in my mouth a little.
Kim’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday - Career Assessment