Exactly one year ago today….
See this?
This is what I am doing tomorrow at 6 a.m. or so. With 3 kids. One of which who is under 2.
I think my Happy Meal is missing a few fries.
Our little one week vacation went slightly over schedule. We came, we saw, we stayed. Sometimes it flat out blows my mind how much can change in a year. Here’s to my husband, who had the courage to try. Here’s to my kids, who had the capacity to understand. And here’s to me, who, for the first time in her life, attempted a little thing called forgiveness.
I’m glad we took that road trip. I’m glad we decided to make his Father’s Day present us. I’m glad that I didn’t intend this, or even want this, when I got into that car. It’s been one of the hardest years of my life, this one, more internally than anything else. I don’t know how to forgive, I have no earthly clue how to trust, but I’m learning. Every day, I find out one new thing about myself. This thing, this rebuilding a marriage, has been so much harder than anything I’ve ever had to do before.
But you know what? It’s not impossible, it’s not too hard, and there are days when I think that nothing in this whole world is more worth-while. The speed-bumps are annoying, the pot-holes really, really hurt when I hit them, but the times when the sun is out and the road is open? Those are the happiest times of my life so far.
Would I do it again? I honestly don’t know. But, just once, I did that thing that I was most afraid to do. I took the road less traveled, just like I said on my wedding announcements that I would. And I am really lucky that I did.
I remember stopping at a pretty schwanky hotel in Boise tonight one year ago, the one I couldn’t afford at all but got anyway, figuring we’d just eat mac & cheese for the rest of the month once we got home, throwing the kids in the pool, and calling Gigi to check in. I remember the sound of her voice, and the concern she was trying to mask, and I remember thinking that, for the first time in my adult life, I’d found home. That woman was home. I remember reading my comments that night and seeing Diane’s, and realizing that she, a woman I still have never met in real life, was home, too. That I had real, grown up friends, that I had finally found my spot in Denver, in life, in all of it.
And then I just never came back.
I miss home, I really do. I ache for Denver, for Gigi’s kitchen, for the possibility of taking in a Rockies game with Diane someday, for Molly and Marge and Aimee and David and Andy and Stephen and all of you in the Mile High Club. But, you know what? This right here, this couch, these pictures, my Mini-Cuisinart; that’s home, too. And that’s just fine by me.
Tagged with: cross country move, denver to vancouver, family, forgiveness, love, Marriage
Talina
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 17:36Isn’t it funny how that happens? Sometimes we just have to put ourselves out there before we find our true place in it all… I am glad you are happy and that you have shared this reflection with us, gives me hope that it will all work out for us too!
Talina’s last blog post..The gardening days begin…
Kori
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 17:39It is too bad I didn’t know you then, the road you mapped goes, literally, right through my town. I would have liked to have met you. For some reasons I won’t go into, this makes me cry. Have a great day, my friend.
Kori’s last blog post..Windy Wednesday-or “I can’t think of a title”
matt
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 17:56A witty or smart-ass comment simply wouldn’t be appropriate, and I wouldn’t be able to think of one anyway. This is a truly beautiful post. I went back and read it a couple of times. Very inspiring and comforting at the same time. My compliments.
matt’s last blog post..Frankie’s Camping Trip
daysgoby
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 17:57This really, really resonates with me…I spent four years in a place I considered ‘transitional’ and now I miss it every day. Is THIS what the Stones meant? You can’t always get what you want…..
daysgoby’s last blog post..Playdate Tuesday
Audubon Ron
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 18:07You’re a woman.
Audubon Ron’s last blog post..Good News Wednesday
Natalie
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 18:08Just beautiful. That’s all I have to say.
Marge
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 18:20When you left again I didn’t agree with you. Supported you, but thought it would end miserably. I’ve thought about it a lot since then and somewhere in the last year I came to agree with you. It’s not just the road less travelled, it’s a forgotten scratch of a footpath in a dark scary woods. But I think I understand your reasons. When you are are old and gray (er?), and you are the matriarch of an amazing loving caring family, and you look around at your grandchilren and great grandchildren passing on important traditions that you started, that’s when it pays off.
All my love and a big HUG.
BusyDad
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 18:23That was ballsy. Sorry I couldn’t come up with a better word. But is was.
BusyDad’s last blog post..(Hey, guess what? Dad’s out of town and he left his keys behind. Sssh.)
Latte Mommy
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 19:20The more I get to know you, the more I admire your strength, your courage, well… you in general. And I’m so grateful that your little road trip brought you to our little ‘burgh, so that I can know you in person!
((hugs))
Latte Mommy’s last blog post..It’s a…. Whale!
christy
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 21:12Forgiveness, the gift we give ourselves.
But it’s a gift like “fitness”……hard won.
Bravo on taking the first steps…..(I had another goofy platitude, but I’ll spare you….)
I’m sorry you had to forgive. That your innocence was somehow taken, your trust. Does anyone get out unscathed?
christy’s last blog post..Spinning wheel or linear trajectory?
hubs
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 21:19Per usual, I was a day late and a dollar short.
zoeyjane
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 21:49um, the proud? it goes both ways.
zoeyjane’s last blog post..Going Green (with Envy)
Diane
Wednesday, 11 June, 2008 at 23:17I’m touched, proud and happy for you all and you made the non-crier, cry. Though, I have to tell you that I have no idea what my comment said. I just remember being totally thrown that you guys were packing up and moving and I was hoping for the best.
Sometimes, the hardest things are the most rewarding, revealing and surprising…
Yes, I see us hanging out too.
Diane’s last blog post..Home
MommyTime
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 0:55You are a brave and awesome woman who did something most of us would not have had the guts to risk. And moves like that make us stronger and make our lives better. Good for you, my friend.
(and if the MI economy weren’t totally in the toilet, I’d add: now, when are you ALL going to pack yourselves up and move out here so we can be neighbors? And pack LatteM along too??)
MommyTime’s last blog post..A post begging for your vote
ohmommy
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 0:57You are amazing.
ohmommy’s last blog post..My son. He broke a commandment.
Secret Agent Mama
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 1:01God (I know, I know) gave me a gift when He put you in my path. I look forward to being on your map for the long haul.
Beautiful post, my dear friend. Forgiveness is beautiful.
Secret Agent Mama’s last blog post..Project 365 (293/365)
hubs
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 1:29I should clify that my comment (11) was in reference to my self not getting know you when you actually lived in my town (yes, MY town).
sizzle
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 1:33I like what you say about rebuilding a marriage. I often wonder if it is possible…it is, just most people don’t try.
Kudos to you!
mn
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 1:40i haven’t got a history on you bc i have not dove (dived, whatever) into all your blog postings, sorry, my bad. so like what, you are where and where did you go to vacation and what road trip. will somebody fill me in. am i always the last to know anything? aagh.
i am slightly exaggerating.
janethesane
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 2:31You are very brave. I don’t know what happened but I can imagine. I am not good at forgiving and hope I never have to learn as well as you do. I don’t think I am that strong. Good for you :)
janethesane’s last blog post..Nauseating and Amazing Video
Lori
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 3:25Very beautiful post…so well said. I haven’t been reading your blog for long so I don’t understand all that has gone on in your life but I do know what it means to take a road less traveled…to do those things you most fear…to take the road of forgiveness…and I most certainly understand what it means to finally find home. Bless your heart.
Leslie Dillinger
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 3:38Dude. Dude! You rock.
LaskiGal
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 4:50You make me say WOW an awful lot. Thanks for that . . .
LaskiGal’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen: Some Random, Some Weird
Loralee
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 7:26I’ve always wanted to do something like that. You got real guts, woman!
Loralee’s last blog post..Whatev?
Chris Cactus
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 12:30Nothing’s impossible, my friend.
Chris Cactus’s last blog post..Sleep Deprivation At Its Finest
Momo Fali
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 12:56Anyplace you put your Mini-Cuisinart is home. I’m proud of you.
Momo Fali’s last blog post..That Song Is About Me
Jill
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 18:04Over time I find that home is really where your heart is, and where you hang your hat and all the rest of your crap. Extending an olive branch, finding the ability to forgive, and putting your family in front of everything else must have been the most difficult thing for you… it’s what makes you an amazing you.
As a new reader, lurker, admirer, what I’m reading is the utmost honesty. It’s what draws me back here time and time again.
Jill’s last blog post..The Stork Got Lost on Ben Yehuda Street…
Aimee Greeblemonkey
Thursday, 12 June, 2008 at 22:04aww, crap. I am crying. Lovely post. But good for you for trying, and taking the hard way.
Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..What happens when your mom gets a scanner!
Ricardo
Friday, 13 June, 2008 at 7:12Well, anything can happen. You may wind up back in Denver. You never know. It sounds like the road trip and the journey of life were gruelling for you and the family but well worth it. What a road you travelled.
Ricardo’s last blog post..When No One Cared