(I wrote and re-wrote this a million times, and we’re just going to leave it the way it is, okay? We’re just going to pretend you all were there in the room, if that works for you? Because I have to just say this to those people in that room, and all of you that read here WERE in that room, at least to me. Thanks.)
A few weeks ago, I received an email that, quite possibly, changed the course of my life.
I had submitted a few posts to that Community Keynote thingy the girls at BlogHer were pulling together, and I would have bet you *this* toe they weren’t going to choose one.
They chose one.
Was I nervous? Not really. Honestly, once I saw the list of bloggers who were speaking with me, I figured I would be drowned out under a sea of amazing, powerful voices. I mean, really; Schmutzie? She’s incredible. I’m just some chick who no one’s ever heard of with a terrible attitude and a complete lack of ability to swallow a birth control pill on schedule.
I arrived in San Francisco, along with a large part of the women who’s blogs I stalk religiously, and my first night in town was spent drowning in a sea of voices I’d spent the past half a decade trying to discern from a screen with Ariel font. I drank those ladies in, and also managed to drink the left half of the bar we were saddled up to, leaving me almost no time to worry about silly little things like, oh, standing on a stage and talking to you all 20 hours later.
If you don’t think we’re all not totally smashed out of our skulls, you’ve got another thing coming. That would be VDog, Christine, Kimmylyn, Maria, Don Mills Diva, Aimee Greeblemonkey and my drunk ass.
20 hours later I stood on a stage and started talking to you all.
They’d asked me to read a post I’d written 5 months ago when I started taking anti-depressants. Anyone who’s ever dug through my archives (read: no one) knows that I’ve got some, well, gut-wrenching stuff tucked away for safe keeping in there. I live-blogged a divorce, if that gives you any idea. I really didn’t even give more than a few test-run reading’s worth of thought to what I was about to say until I started saying it.
And then I got to the part where I had to tell 1,000 people that I slit my wrists when I was 8. And then I realized just what it was I was saying up there, and that I couldn’t back out now, and that I was stuck. And then I had 0.0008/10 of a second to muster up a bunch of courage that I don’t actually possess and continue.
I stood on an empty stage and told 1,000 people things that I haven’t ever even told my father. I knew that the room had gotten veryvery quiet, and with every word I panicked just a little more. These are not topics for public consumption; mental illness, child abuse, suicide. And yet, I kept talking. The more I grew afraid of what you all were going to think of me, the harder I wanted to say Every Single Word out loud for the whole world to hear. Half way through that reading, I just started crying. I cried because I was afraid, I cried because I was standing there, reliving awful things in my head, and I cried because for the first time in my 33 years of life, I was owning it.
When it was over, I turned and ran off that stage as fast as I could. I couldn’t see anyone in the crowd through my own tears, I couldn’t breath, and I more or less could not stand up anymore. I fell right dead smack into the arms of Fussy, and I think that’s when I realized she was crying a little, too. And then I looked up and those other 21 people backstage with me? THEY were all crying. And then someone turned me around and shoved me back out onto that stage again, and you know what? YOU were all crying, too.
See, I really REALLY though every single person in that room was going to scoot away from me on the Group W bench* when the whole thing was said and done. That the exact OPPOSITE reaction happened means more to me than I will ever find the words to tell you all. The tears and the hugs and the winks and the handshakes and the nods and the emails that have followed since that day have been overwhelming in the most amazing sort of way.
I’ve been writing my blog since 2005, and I’ve always considered it a hobby. I’ve always giggled about it, and downplayed it, and I don’t tell anyone in my real-life life about it because perhaps I’m the slightest bit ashamed of it. Or, I was. What happened to me, personally, last weekend in San Francisco is that I realized that this silly little hobby of mine in less than 5 minutes changed someone else’s life. Me, sitting at my kitchen table typing out some post that I was so afraid to publish I had to email it to three people first, helped someone, anyone. It gave someone the courage to talk about their own problems, or maybe it gave them the courage to email me, or maybe it gave them the strength to talk about their issues with their spouse or their doctor. Or maybe it just helped them find the courage to walk up to me and say Thank You at a bar later that night, and maybe that was their first step in getting help. I talked to so many people in the days following, so many people who openly shared a bit of their stories with me, many whom said outright that they’d never talked about these things before, that I cannot help but be changed a little by it.
I love my silly little humour blog. I love making someone laugh throughout their day. I love, most of all, making myself laugh at the insanity that runs around so rampant in my head, I’m thinking about getting a head-cat to catch and eat some of it for me. But you know what? Under all that glibness (is glibness a word? It is now) is something important and real and relevant and I am not afraid of that anymore. I am not afraid to say that I hurt and I bleed and my demons seriously fucking outnumber my angels and that sometimes I cannot laugh, no matter how hard I try. I am not afraid to say that I love my kids, but raising them is really the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Because maybe you’ll read that, and maybe you’ll need to read it, and maybe you’ll know that you’re not all alone, just like I did at 5pm Pacific on July 18th, 2008. Just like I think all 22 of us did.
Photo by Greeblemonkey. Hey, did you know we used to be neighbors?
Hi, my name is Shannon, and this is my blog. It’s no longer just my hobby, just my humour blog, or just my mommy blog, it’s just Shannon’s blog. And Shannon, well, she just realized that she’s a writer. Maybe they’re not all gems, but I am a damn good writer, and I’m not hiding from that anymore. I’m not running from that anymore. I am a writer, god dammit. Who really likes to laugh, and came from a terrible gene pool, and had a really shitty childhood, and isn’t totally recovered from it yet. But I’m trying, and I’m not alone. Welcome to my blog, where you are SO not alone.
To the three of you who have any clue what the Group W Bench is? *smooch*
Carolyn...Online
Monday, 28 July, 2008 at 21:58Shannon, you are a kick ass writer. I’ve gotten lost in your archives. They made me laugh and cry.
Brilliant.
Moving.
Brave.
Bravo.
Carolyn…Onlines last blog post..Guest Post #1
missy wiggins
Monday, 28 July, 2008 at 21:59I have been a reader for about 6 months and let me tell you, I think you are such a beautiful person and the fact that you let us in on this stuff is brave and no doubt can and probably has helped one, two or thousands of people…
The video of you speaking had me in tears too.
Thank you, thank you.
missy wigginss last blog post..I’m Still Learning.
hubs
Monday, 28 July, 2008 at 22:02Hi Shannon. Thanks for always making me feel welcome.
Tammy
Monday, 28 July, 2008 at 22:36Wow…You really are an amazing woman. I’m speechless. And sobbing and quite possibly in love with you….
no, I’m not a freak….
no, I’m not a lesbian….
Tammys last blog post..Only FIVE summer weekends left!!!
CC
Monday, 28 July, 2008 at 23:41Thank you for the welcome!
CCs last blog post..Marvelous Monday Children’s Books: Jamberry
Bunchy
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 0:14A damn good writer, yes. A brave brave girl, absolutely. It’s why we love you so!!
Bunchys last blog post..I Guess I AM the Only One Who’s Normal…
Tootsie Farklepants
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 1:35That. Was. AMAZING! Thank you for sharing that with those of us who couldn’t be there in person. **smooch**
Mindy
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 2:21Eh, i watched. it was okay….
JUST KIDDING!!! says the girl who 2 months ago took her first pills to quiet the voices in her head, granted they were all my voices, some much meaner than others….
Congrats! I so enjoy EVERYTHING YOU WRITE.
Turtle
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 2:48I love you Shannon. Probably more now than I did all those years ago. I know you better now.
Not only are you a writer – you’re a good writer.
(..and creatin’ a nuisance and they all moved back and we had a good time playing with the pencils on the bench..)
Turtles last blog post..The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly (and it’s really ugly)
mn
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 3:31I’m very happy for you. you may have saved someone’s life through your writing or having the gumption to lay it all out in one moment in front of so many, who knows.
it’s a moment that is not often given to everyone and i am glad you went with it. i hope it brings the peace you seek.
i’ll have to watch the video. take care, mn.
Kelley
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 3:32Girl, this was the first post I ever read of yours. Ree sent me over cause she knew I would fall madly in love with your croc wearin’ sans panties arse.
And I did.
Then hearing you read that post broke my heart just a little. It can be repaired with mega doses of MrLady reading, but damn woman.
I love ya.
Natalie
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 4:09I am so glad that you posted this version. You are truly awesome. I was right there tearing up with you.
Oh, and the weirdo that’s been on your blog for at least an hour? That’s me. Sorry about that, I left your page up while I did the bedtime routine and all that jazz.
Marie
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 4:18This knocked me flat: “I am not afraid to say that I hurt and I bleed and my demons seriously fucking outnumber my angels and that sometimes I cannot laugh, no matter how hard I try.”
Wow. You know I just found you a few months ago, and have been loving your authentic voice ever since. I was excited to see you on the presenters list (although I am miles away from BlogHer), and pleased to read your reading. But seeing the video, wow, honey, you are amazing. I was in tears, but could not stop smiling, either, because you persevered and pushed past that place of fear to continue sharing with us. I am in awe of the courage you employ on a regular basis. I had a feeling we were seeing something being birthed there on stage…You! I love how you are owning the awesomeness of you.
Come join me on the group W bench anytime. :)
Maries last blog post..I’ll Take the Awesome
Mommy Cracked
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 4:26I read that post. That you could read it in front of so many women…I’m so stinkin’ glad you did. I’m ALL about reading the REAL. What REALLY goes on inside people’s heads. You seriously rock. Don’t ever be ashamed of this blog…this is the good stuff.
Mommy Crackeds last blog post..Bloggy Giveaway
Crisis Worker
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 4:27see, this is why I love women so much . . . because we are the strongest when things are the hardest . . . because we can pour love and kindness on a near stranger . . . I’m so glad you had such a good and positive reaction to one of the scariest moments of your life.
And, I don’t think you rate the group w bench with the father stabbers . . . but I do like the holy grail references in your comment box.
Crisis Workers last blog post.."Cherry Picking"
Leslie Dillinger
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 4:46I lurve you. Of course this made my cry: I knew it would. I’m so honored that I got to see you in the flesh so soon after this happened! Your energy was terrific! Come to Seattle in the next few weeks, pretty please! You are a wonderful writer and speaker. I got nothin’ on YOU, lady!
Leslie Dillingers last blog post..
schmutzie
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 5:16Me? Lady, I was nervous to be up there with the likes of you.
That makes me smile.
schmutzies last blog post..How To Connect Your Mobile Phone To Twitter In North America
Deb (Missives From Suburbia)
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 5:19You post was amazing. I can’t bring myself to watch the video tonight, because I’m not in the right state of mind for it. It may just be the final straw that brings on a night of binge-drinking, and then I’d have to blame you for my child having Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. No one wants that. But I will watch it soon when I’m less fragile, but I concur completely: you are a helluva writer. I knew that the moment I “met” you a few months ago.
I’ll be back.
Deb (Missives From Suburbia)s last blog post..Hair of the Dog
michellew
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 5:20Mr. Lady? Shannon? Whatever you call yourself- you rock! Your keynote was amazing and heartfelt, and you are fan-fucking-tastic. So, thank you. Great post.
VDog
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 5:55I hope you left your heart here with me. Just sayin’.
You are a kick-ass writer, honey doll, and completely intimidating on paper. Because you are SO GODDAMN REAL. I love you for that.
Go on wit yo bad ass writer self.
xoxoxoxoxo
VDogs last blog post..Weekly Winners ~ Last Week of July
Christine
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 7:25Damn but I effing love you.
I. love. YOU.
Next year, will you please knock ME over with a huge ass hug and tongue kiss me?
Either that, or watch out for me. Because I’m going to be all over you.
Christines last blog post..First Annual Post-BlogHer Swag Giveaway (or give it away, give it away, give it away now…I can’t tell if I’m a kingpin or a pauper!)
Vic @ Glowstars
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 10:38Shannon (it’s wonderful to be able to think in terms of a name, and not an alias)
Thank you.
I stumbled upon your blog only a few weeks back, when another blogger linked to that post. And it made me cry.
Since then I’ve been hooked, I’ve read, I’ve delved through the archives, and I love your writing.
And then you went and brought tears to my eyes again with this post, because you write and it’s all so real. You don’t just tell us, you let us live it with you.
Vic @ Glowstarss last blog post..Love, Barbeques and Paddling Pools
Secret Agent Mama
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 12:19I love what you do here, Shannon. I admire you, as well. You know how I feel.
Darcie
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 13:15You’re amazing – you have so much courage!!! Great post, great speech, great everything.
Mama Goose
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 14:28Can I just echo everyone else and say BRAVO!!
Mama Gooses last blog post..I Need a Vacation
Eddie
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 15:22wow…
Can’t let them see me cr….. ^_^
{{{hugs}}}
bri
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 15:27I am just finding you through all the blogher posts and hoopla and amazingness. I read your piece when it was linked from the keynote stuff. But watching you read it… whoa. Yes. I cried, too. I have been there, too. You should be super proud of yourself. Thank you.
bris last blog post..crap
louannmcc
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 15:50Thanks for this post; I have been struggling with whether or not to take the pills for a good portion of my adult life. Although this made me cry (just a little – my pills are stagnating on the shelf right now) it was good to hear about the battle from another perspective. I don’t remember how I found your blog but I really enjoy your ability to put things out there. Your X365 even inspired me to write some really bad haikus.
Anyway, kudos from a complete stranger,
LA
VegasDad
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 18:17Wow. What an amazing post. I’m so glad you shared it so those of us that didn’t have the opportunity to see you speak in person at BlogHer can share in the emotion of that remarkable post. It took a tremendous amount of courage to do what you did. I applaud you for it. And, you definitely are an amazing WRITER. You should be proud. Keep up the great work.
VegasDads last blog post..z-dub can read
Ashley
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 18:41You seriously inspire me. There are so many things that I don’t have the guts to even write down, much less for others to read…and I wouldn’t even think about saying them in front of a room full of people. But, you did. And, you rawk. With or without that, you really do rock. You are what awesomeness is made of and I LOVE you!!
Ashleys last blog post..Giveaway 2 – Books!
Redneck Mommy
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 20:30How the hell I didn’t discover you earlier, is beyond me.
But there are no words to articulate how thrilled I am to know you now.
Not just as a writer.
But as my friend.
MommyTime
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 21:36I read the post the first time it was up here, and I read it again when you sent it to my demanding self :), and I watched the video, and all I can say is: you rock the AWESOMENESS in so many ways. Your kids are so lucky to have a mom like you, and you yourself deserve every bit of self-confidence that BlogHer gave you. *mwah* Seriously.
MommyTimes last blog post..Exeunt, stage left, with flourish.
imaginary binky
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 21:40First, that was ballsy. It’s one thing to write a revealing blog and then turn off the computer, wondering what the ripple effect might be. It takes great big balls to stand up in front of people and read something that was heart-wrenching to write. It seems that my instincts make me gravitate toward other injured writers (and yeah, you, m’lady, are a writer), and it confirms to me that even though effed up childhoods suck harder than anyone can imagine, it makes for fine people (sometimes). The most interesting people I know are wounded, and deeply.
You are an incredibly lovely woman under all of that moxie. I’m really sad that I haven’t met you yet, in Denver or at BlogHer. Someday, someday…
Holly
Tuesday, 29 July, 2008 at 23:03Came here from Natalie’s (From Here to There) blogroll list. Thought I’d check out some new blogs. Haven’t watched the video yet (on dial up at home – it would be impossible to ever watch the whole thing – it would be like watching it under a strobe light effect), but obviously I need to read some of your archives. I know this was an emotional post for many – especially anyone watching the video – but for me it was a hoot to read someone refer to the Group W bench! Brought back some wonderful drunken college memories – singing along with Arlo. And they all moved away from me there on the Group W bench…… :-)
Kath
Wednesday, 30 July, 2008 at 0:59Such incredible strength.
Your writing touches.
metalia
Wednesday, 30 July, 2008 at 2:01I read (and watched) your keynote speech; you’re so brave, and an incredible writer and speaker. I can’t believe I’m only finding you now, because, lady? You kick all kinds of ass.
metalias last blog post..The Thin Black Line
LaskiGal
Wednesday, 30 July, 2008 at 4:25How does it feel? To be loved? To be respected? To be a writer? To be held deep within the bosom of the blog world?
Should feel pretty good.
We all loved your “silly little humour blog.”
And clearly, we will always love “Shannon’s Blog.”
Don Mills Diva
Wednesday, 30 July, 2008 at 4:43You are a WONDERFUL writer Shannon. I have already told you why your post made me weep – you spoke out about something that needs to be spoken about and I thank you friend.
Aimee Greeblemonkey
Wednesday, 30 July, 2008 at 6:15I just cried again.
(finished my work and am chasing you, neener neener neener)
Aimee Greeblemonkeys last blog post..Late to the License Plate Party, But Still Have Something To Say
Jennifer
Wednesday, 30 July, 2008 at 13:13okay. okay… tears are still coming. and that huge lump in my throat is only getting bigger and burning more. you are amazing. and all the things that you may think you are not… YOU ARE. you are strong and brave and smart and beautiful and i’m not sure if you have issues with this or not… but i just wanted to reassure you that you are all these things and more.
your speech really hit home for me. i love my mom and she isn’t abusive, but she has issues, that she doesn’t deal with or get help for… and every damn day i think i’m getting to be more and more like her… and it scares the shit out of me. as i type this to you, my house is a shit hole… i just can’t get a handle on it… my kids are glued to the tv… b/c that is the babysitter… and some times i just feel like i want to run away from it all. From my husband that is good to me and understanding and loving, my three beautiful, wonderful (and this is where I totally BREAK DOWN and am crying like a effing idiot ~ while still typing this to you) smart children… yes the children that i gave birth to, sometimes I want to just leave. Sometimes I just can’t handle THIS life. I’m not even sure I’m going to post this… b/c then it will be out there in black and white… out there for someone else to see… somone that can judge me and my life and worse of all think i’m a bad mother. i love my kids, i do… more than i can even begin to explain… and i wanted each and everyone one of them… and I still do… just some days it so hard to just do all this. for a while now my husband (tries) to jokingly tell me to go the dr to get happy pills. some times i laugh at him, other times i want to punch him in the face… usually i just think it is that i’m stressed out from being a SAHM and not really having time to myself or anything… but then sometimes when i’m alone in the shower or trying to fall asleep and i replay things in my head… like coversations or situations that happened during the day… i realize that i’m not a good mom. i’m not even a bad mom… i fucking horrible. i yell, a LOT. i do feel bad about it… but it sometimes seems that i can’t stop it. i want to be good to these kids. this is all they get… this is their childhood. i’m their only mother… i have to be better at this. i just have to be. so what if my life isn’t always happy and perfect… their should be… I try to say that to myself all the time… even when i’m bugging out about something that doesnt’ really matter… like them dumping and entire container or OJ on the floor, by accident… or the time the rubbed coverup in the carpet in their bedroom… or colored on the wall with marker… who cares… in 5 yrs will that change our lives?? nope. in 5 hours it won’t even matter… but there i stood bugging out… yelling like a jackass. and i have decided today that i need help. i do. it isn’t b/c i stay home or any other reason i may try to come up with… that was just my excuses. i dont’ usually ask for help from anyone for anything and i guess i really didnt’ want to think that i could have to be on medication to be a good person or a good mother… or wife. sometimes i forget that my husband has to deal with me too. i dont’ want to ruin my children’s childhoods… this is the one shot I’ve got. my son is going to be 5 and my girls are going to be 3… there is still hope to turn this around and make good memories and be the kind of mother I know i can be and that i want to be. i guess i just have to take the first step and try to get help. saying it here is one thing… b/c i can just delete this comment and go on with my day… or I can even push the “hit me, yo.” and let you read it… and maybe a few other people will read it too, but still i haven’t said it out loud. i didn’t have to look you in the face and say that i’m failing at this… i’m failing at being a good mother and wife… and sometimes a friend and daughter and sister… i didn’t have to do that. and to be honest… i have a big mouth… i’m a bitch… i say what is on my mind… well some of it.. the pissed off tough girl shit… but to say this out loud… i’m not really sure i can. i’m not even sure i could say it to a dr. But i guess i am realizing that i need to say something.
thank you so much for all your honesty. i really hope i can be as strong and brave as you and get help to get through this.
* it has been almost 2 hrs since i typed this… and i have been wondering what the hell to do with it… my stomach hurts… i’m nervous as hell to let this be out there… i’m scared that someone else might see this… someone from my blog could come over and read this… but what do i have to loose?? it is the truth… i think that is what bothers me the most… it is the truth.
well here goes everything….
Alisha
Wednesday, 30 July, 2008 at 14:29Shan, that was a great post but most of all I am thinking you look freakin hot. Like the hottest you have ever looked ever! Just saying.
lunanik
Wednesday, 30 July, 2008 at 23:10Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting the youtube video of your reading. I heard you brought down the house and I’m so sorry I could not be there to hear it and to support you. You were wonderful girlfriend! And, P.S., you have such a sweet voice.
lunaniks last blog post..Now back to our regularly scheduled programming
janethesane
Thursday, 31 July, 2008 at 2:21Your post made me cry so I don’t trust myself to watch your video just yet. Maybe when I am alone. Thank you for sharing it.
janethesanes last blog post..She signed to me
califmom
Thursday, 31 July, 2008 at 2:35Rock Star. You. {{hugs}}
califmoms last blog post..The Near and The Far
Eve Grey
Thursday, 31 July, 2008 at 3:13Shannon was the name of my childhood best friend. She went through some similar childhood trauma. I moved away when I was 15 and I miss her every day. Thanks for your words.
Eve Greys last blog post.."What are you doing with the gardens entrusted to you?"
Irene
Thursday, 31 July, 2008 at 12:01Thanks so much for sharing that video. I read your post, but seeing YOU read the post is amazing. You are real.
I sort of wish my family didn’t read my blog, there are often so many things I want to be “real” about, but can’t.
Irenes last blog post..Special Exposure Wednesday!
pete
Thursday, 31 July, 2008 at 20:02That’s some of the most inspiring writing (and speaking) I’ve seen in a very long time. Thanks. :)
petes last blog post..Wordless Wednesday 29
gwendomama
Friday, 1 August, 2008 at 2:28damn you for making all of us cry.
and thank you for your bravery.
wish i had a chance to boogie with you but i was bouncin at the desk.
and why is jennythebloggess saying the pledge of allegiance?
gwendomamas last blog post..Use Appropriate Language When Talking To Inanimate Objects
Jaina
Friday, 1 August, 2008 at 22:10I feel the strong need to read backwards through your blog. This was a wonderful post. I’m waiting to get home where I can watch that video.
Jainas last blog post..PhotoStory Friday: Intro to COR Racing
soapy b
Saturday, 2 August, 2008 at 2:55You are a beautiful woman and a wonderful writer.
Thank you for being you.
soapy bs last blog post..Have You Heard of Seesmic?