Aug 08 2008
The Difference Between Doctor and Witch Doctor Is Way More Than Five Letters
When I was about 8 years old, I started having these nightmares. They were the ones you have when you’re still awake, just barely almost asleep. I dreamed that witches and ghouls and demons were flying around my bedroom. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I would then start to see knives coming straight for my face. The best part? I could totally feel them going into my eyes.
This is not an awesome way to be 8.
We were taught that, oh yes, demons and Satan do exist, but as long as you don’t give them audience in your head or home or heart, they had no power over you. As long as you, say, didn’t watch the news or read the newspaper, and as long as you filled your mind with prayer, they would be kept at bay.
I prayed a LOT before bed every night.
During the day, I had trouble with seeing sharp objects. Washing the forks became downright painful. If you kept a pencil in your ear, I had to turn the point away from me. Sharp edges in my peripheral vision were the worst. Instantly, they would be coming at me, even when I was wide awake, and then it was all with the piercing, stabbing pain.
I winced a lot. I squinted all the time. It got to the point where the edges of papers made me want to claw my eyeballs out.
When I was 10, two years into it, I told my mother.
She asked only one question: Do you have anything in this house from your grandmother? Well, yes in fact, I did have one thing. I had this stuffed Ziggy doll she’d bought for me at Virginia Beach. Two years ago. When I was 8.
My grandmother was a Baptist turned Christian Scientist turned Black Witch turned that Shirley McClain Ramtha crap. My aunt’s bedroom in her house had murals of hell on the walls. My gramma spent most of her days putting hexes on things,* channeling George Washington and trying to levitate the German Shepard. We were NEVER aloud in her house.
My mother made me destroy the Ziggy doll, and I never did have one of those dreams again. Problem solved. EXCELLENT deduction, mom. But I still couldn’t handle anything sharp. I figured it was just residual energy or something. I was a kook.
Fast forward 20 years. I’ve had kid three. My eyes still freaking hurt all the time. I still can’t wash forks or look at pencils. And my left eye feels funny all the time, like I’ve always got an eyelash in it, or there’s a little cut or something. I’ve read that pregnancy makes your eyes to go pot sometimes, so I finally decided to get them checked. Mind you, I have no obvious vision issues. I can read, I feel like I see perfectly.
Yeah, I have, like, the worst astigmatism you’ve ever seen in my left eye. It’s so bad that my doctor said, “You know, I normally tell people with astigmatism to only wear glasses for a few things. You, my dear, are NEVER to take these things off.” Astigmatism affects your depth perception and your peripheral vision. So, say you see a pencil behind someones ear. That pencil seems like it’s coming RIGHT AT YOU. Say you catch something sharp in the corner of your eye. Your eye muscles strain instantly to focus on it.
Sound familiar? Sound like something that maybe a doctor could have caught, oh, TWENTY YEARS EARLIER?
My right eye is, fortunately, perfect. 20/20. Except that when I first got glasses, my doctor warned me that my right eye would relax after all those years of pulling the weight of the left one, and it would take a little while to re-adjust.
He was right. I got a left eye and lost a right one. I REALLY couldn’t walk down stairs. It was honestly kind of funny watching me try, at 30, and fail epically. Eventually, it all sorted itself out and I could see for the first time in 20 years. I had no clue what I’d been missing. I didn’t have to take off my sunglasses and roll down the car window to merge to the left anymore. It was AWESOME.
I knew they were working because if I lost them, forgot to put them on, lost them, or lost them I’d feel it. The headaches would come. I’d get a sort of blind spot in my left eye, almost in the inside corner, like I had a bunch of eye googies or something.
I love my damn glasses. I love that I chose bright red frames. I love that they have rhinestones in them. I love them so much that when my kid broke them, I superglued them back together. I don’t ever want contacts. My glasses are my secret lover and I will never, ever part with them.
Except that I left them next to the tv in our hotel room in San Francisco 3 weeks ago.
My eyeballs hurt right now. They ache. They make the whole left side of my body ache. Everything from my left nostril east is cloudy. I just noticed how very very sharp my hair is. I keep thinking the boys are going to run over their sister when they’re out on the Ripsticks, even though she’s a good 15 feet away from them. Apparently, the muscle strain has caused my brain to stop functioning in the area that prevents me from writing 5 million word, incoherent blog posts, too. And makes me whine a lot. Bygones.
I have to get new glasses. I have to find a new optometrist. Unless, of course, any of you know a good exorcist in the area. Because, apparently, that would buy me another 20 years.
*You can put all the hexes on the fridge you want, but if you forget to do the pantry, too, your clever diet plan will still fail.
Comments close after 5 days. Because Spam sucks. 56 Comments to “The Difference Between Doctor and Witch Doctor Is Way More Than Five Letters”
now that? is spooky.
except for the part where no one noticed you were half-blind for 20 years. that’s not spooky, it’s just wrong!
the planet of janets last blog post..Haiku Friday: the aww he’s so sweet edition
Maybe a little more whiskey in your sippy cup, until you get the new glasses. I’d definitely stay away from the sharp objects then.
Megryansmoms last blog post..Gotta Do It Thursday
Ah ha! Nat didn’t believe me when I told him that pregnancy makes your eyes go to shit. Now I suppose I just need to wait another 5 months before I can get them checked and hopefully fixed.
Veronicas last blog post..Pavlova
Pregnancy does make your eyes wonderfully craptastic…and I do believe, having twins doubled my craptastic factor!
Isn’t that Ramtha crap the very same crap that Yanni and Linda Evans were/are mixed up in? Bizarro stuff I tell ya!
Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..It’s Funny Because it Didn’t Happen to Me
Go to one of the vision stores where you can get one pair of glasses and an extra one for half price or some sort of deal. I have a pair of glasses at home, one in my purse and one at school, because I am constantly losing them and I can’t read AT ALL without them. It’s terrible not to be able to see - but at least I didn’t suffer with pain for all those years. That’s just awful!! Good luck with your new glasses. (The hotel won’t send you your pair?)
Mrs. Whos last blog post..For Fun Friday, August 8, 2008
Wow! That is a fascinating story, and I can’t help but think MAYBE your mom was right, because I mean, you did stop having the dreams, right??? Gir, you had better go very quickly to the nearest eye doctor and get some more frigging glasses! I don’t have that “A” word (ha ha), but if I don’t have my glasses/contacts, I can’t see a damn thing.
GOT GET SOME GLASSES!
Robinas last blog post..Random Crap
I used to have that dream - except that my “demons” were the General Mills demons: Count Chocula, FrankenBerry and, of course, BooBerry. It was in that same half-awake, half-asleep state, but it was so often that I began to think that until I saw them I could not sleep. I would try to force them into my head. My “dream” would never involve weapons, but they would take turns flying at my head.
I told someone - but unfortunately it was my brother. I was made fun of, rather than someone getting the cereal out of my daily diet.
Mrs Who might be right about contacting the hotel to have them send your back to you. If it’s been a while since getting a new script, it might just be time to get some new rhinestone glasses!
Best of luck.
RobMonroes last blog post..20 Worst Songs Ever?
I have astigmatism too, so I know exactly what you are describing.
The hexes? Not so much.
moos last blog post..announcing a pregnancy
Incredible! I think I better make an appointment. Maybe that isn’t a perpetual eyelash in my eye after all!
Nells last blog post..Chili Weather
Whoa! Witch Doctor grandma. That’s one I’ve never heard before. But you need to get your self to an eye doctor post haste, girl!!
Jills last blog post..Doncha wish your birthday was as cool as mine?
I hope you find the most possible pair of glasses owned by man (or women). Ones that are especially … lucky. ;)
ingrids last blog post..awkward silence popped the cherry… tomato
All I want to know is….what kind of frames are you gonna get next?!?!
Secret Agent Mamas last blog post..Project 365 (350/365)
Soooo, the hotel won’t send your back to you? I am really shocked about that! Usually they do stuff like that for free.
I have astigmatism, too. And when you said that about taking your sunglasses off and rolling down the window to switch lanes? Totally hit home. Maybe I should go get my eyes checked….
Js last blog post..OH YAY!
I’m kind of scared to actually type this, but your grandma sounds creepy. I hope she doesn’t hex me for saying that.
Karlys last blog post..Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful. Or Insane.
The grandmother stuff was creepy. Call the hotel and see if they still have your glasses. Some hotels save things and at twice Lynn has left things behind and gotten them back.
Dianes last blog post..Technical issues
I own an optometry office, and I have to say that I absolutely LOVE it when we can make a difference in someone’s life like that!! If you were close to me, I would have you hooked up with some new glasses in a flash…alas, it’s a pretty far commute for a new eye doctor (though, he is really good). And I love that you love your glasses and picked out sparkly frames - you would make a good optician!
I can’t believe you’ve suffered for three weeks! Please go get some new glasses then come back and tell us more about your whacky grandmother. And the murals of hell. Fascinating, creepy stuff!
Susans last blog post..Don’t Bring This Up to Me - Ever
Go girl. Drop everything and get out of the house now. Don’t return until you have one shiny new pair of glasses and another shimy pair of spares. Then blog and show us all what they’re like.
You don’t think they saved your glasses do you? maybe they could send them? Interesting story, though…lol I thought for sure you were going to tell me you saw the walking dead or something. I’m a little disappointed, but I think I shall get over it! :) ha
Ashleys last blog post..Sometimes, all it takes is a threat (of beheading).
Get thee to an optometrist STAT girl!
Don Mills Divas last blog post..Put me in Coach
Did you call the hotel? Because they’ll mail your glasses to you. You might have to pay the postage but it’s totally worth it!
Turtles last blog post..I love my grandma
I have one of those damn things. It sucks. It is fixed now. I had LASIK done. I was also blind as a bat plus the astigmatism in my left eye. I used to freak out about sharp things too. It made my skin crawl.
But after LASIK two years ago I am cured!!!!
You should have G-Mom send you some glasses. God, I remember that nightmare of a time. Purging everything in the house for over a year… Though discovering that sharp objects fit nicely into the quick of your brothers fingers was a guiness (yeah yeah I know genius but I like the other spelling, makes me thristy) of finding a way to hide them.
I’ve had a Stimata, never the other though. heh Your own, personal, chesses…
Gnillepss last blog post..The Difference Between Doctor and Witch Doctor Is Way More Than Five Letters
Three people from Ramtha’s School of Enlightenment produced the movie “what the bleep do we know”! That’s probably the coolest thing I will learn today.
My girlfriend’s mother once through my glasses away (as in the trash).
Did the hotel people find the glasses?
VegasDads last blog post..saving my money
Get those specs replaced woman…
Rawr…
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..Up periscope
Aha! Another person who becomes stupid without said glasses. I am sorry you are feeling such pain, etc. etc. etc but MAN, so I ever fell better for not being the only one!
Koris last blog post..Letter to Myself at 18
Weirdness.
Most people leave their heart in SF. But you… you leave your glasses. Sheesh.
AmyMs last blog post..**New Post Coming**
I’m like legally blind. I can’t see anything without glasses or contacts. And I have a pretty bad astigmatism. So I’ve never noticed anything with it because I constantly have to be wearing something (glasses and/or contacts) to correct it. But now I’m intrigued.
Also, I saw a kid on one of those Ripsticks thing-a-mah-bobbers the other day and thought of you.
Kristabellas last blog post..Job Interviews Are Fun!
My advice…go get yourself the exact same glasses. They totally define your look. Very East Coast academic, yet approachable with a sense of whimsy.
Matts last blog post..Roll With The Changes
OMG. I can’t imagine having lived like that for so long! You must have thought you were going completely crazy! Glad that you have and love glasses though. Except when they’re lost in San Fran. Hope you can get them replaced quickly.
Shannons last blog post..the motherguilt birthday cake
I can empathize with the astigmatism thing. I can’t see for crap without my glasses. I’m glad someone figured out the problem and that is was an easy fix.
Tara R.s last blog post..Friday Blessings ~ 6
I have horrible astigmatism and something like 20/400 vision. I cannot even fathom walking around without glasses for three weeks. I hope you can find a suitable pair to replace them.
I have nightmares like that sometimes, too. Not fun. Not even a little.
I guess my pencils n forks juggling act won’t impress you much, then. *sigh* I am VERY VERY sad about those glasses. Those were the coolest glasses I have ever seen.
BusyDads last blog post..Does Dr. 90210 Want to Sponsor the Restoration?
Whoa. Ziggy and Grandma - freaky. I am STILL trippin’ on that. You and sharp objects, and me and bumps.
And the eyes? I have the same astygmatism - but I’m not as smart as you and don’t always wear my glasses. Until the headache starts to creep in - then I know.
Should’ve worn my damn glasses.
So, after you got the glasses, was the Donor happy that you quit shrieking and ducking whenever he would drop trou?
andys last blog post..This is not a post!
I don’t know an exorcist, but I do have the name of a good optometrist at Lougheed Mall (he is mine, but we can share). He works evenings and weekends and its easy to get appointments.
Nicoles last blog post..On Having Vision
I have an extra pair - I’ll send them to you. They’re pretty fucking fantastic, but I had to stop wearing them when I found out I needed……
bifocals.
Shut.the.hell.up. You still love me…don’t you???
Rees last blog post..no post because http://hotfessional.com is banned/ignored from CommentLuv
Hey! I just wanted to stop and say that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the blog!!
Christinas last blog post..Sky Fairy worshippers eh? — "The Girl in the Window"
I bought two AWESOME new pairs of glasses AND three different kinds of contacts (blue, green and “plain”) in March, and promptly lost one pair of glasses on the way home from our honeymoon, lost the pin out of the other once we got back, and haven’t been able to wear contacts since February because of a fungus (supposedly) on my face.
I can’t see so well right now either, but buying a big-screen TV made me feel a little better!
Reeses last blog post..Steroids
I’m so sorry! I hope you find something even more fantastic. I think you will.
And, holy crap, I really didn’t think your mother could get any freakier. She reminds me of the mom in Carrie!
Aprils last blog post..The New, Must-See Paris Hilton video…and bling!!
Get you some new glasses, Lady! You poor thing. I can’t friggin’ STAND when I have an eye boogie in my eye in the morning, or an eyelash, OH, an eyelash is the worst! I blink and poke and look in every mirror I can get my eyeballs on until I finally pluck it out. It’s awful. I’m ultra sensitive to light sometimes too, and turn into McSquinty, the Squinting Girl.
I apparently have perfect vision though–thank God–and hope to keep it that way. Although, with 1 parent in bifocals and the other in glasses since teenagerdom, it doesn’t look good.
Hang in there darlin’. And you owe us a shot of you in your hawt new glasses when you get them. Which better be soon, because you know we won’t stand for any lack of 5 million word [non]incoherent blog posts from you.
flickrlovrs last blog post..How To Comment Back & Happy 888!
You may want to wait ’til you have your glasses, but when you do, come by and pick up an award!
Aprils last blog post..More Bling and Questions
Poor german shephard.
Turtle said what I was going to say.
Even if you do get them back, you should go find an optometrist and get a spare pair. It will only *feel* like you are cheating on your sparkly red lover.
Marges last blog post..Just Since Saturday
Thanks for the reminder. I’m putting on my glasses NOW. *ahem* 8^)
Hope you get new ones post haste!
Maries last blog post..Glimmers and Glue
Makes my eyes hurt just thinking about it.
I agree, call the hotel!
dysfunctional moms last blog post..8 Favorite Fotos
Came across you through another blogger. Hysterical. Thanks for the laughs, I’ll be back.
I bet your glasses are in the lost and found at the hotel. Even if they are you should still find an optometrist and get a back up pair. I have an astigmatism and I understand what you mean about the pokiness. It sucks and it makes finding good contacts a pain. Of course, If I had cool rhinestone studded red frames I wouldn’t care. Sorry about Ziggy and your grandma. That is yucky.
janethesanes last blog post..The Pink Stuff
That’s funny, because I left my glasses next to my lunch in the ballroom for thirty seconds and when I returned they were gone. Likely, in the trash. I need new ones now. *sob*
Assertagirls last blog post..There’s No Pleasing Everyone
I am so coming over tomorrow to help you get new glasses. I still owe you panty shopping too.
In the meantime, ouch, go and get a scalp/head massage from he hubby. Take out the oils. I am serious. ;)
ohmommys last blog post..A Tale of Two Sisters
My nightmares were about Satan. Or aliens. Sometimes both.
And I too need a new pair of glasses. Were we - could it be - SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
Her Bad Mothers last blog post..You Got A Problem With My Boobies, PUNK?
That was a fascinating story and look into your past.
Sorry about the astigmatism and that you’ve lost your glasses.
Ugh.
I hope you get some wonderfully sexy fun new ones!
Thanks for the birthday wishes honey.
Smooches!
rachels last blog post..Foodtography & Beachtography: Weekly Winners
Is your Grandmother still around? Do you think I could hire her to put a hex on my FIL…I’ll pay good…
Tammys last blog post..Another EXCITING, THRILLING, boring as hell running update!
You have the most randomest stories. *sigh* You are awesome. I’m sad you lost your glasses.
Misss last blog post..It’s What We Deserve…
I woulda ran over and tried to find ‘em for ya, Lady!!
Damn, this is crazy.
You needs yo glasses, gurl.
I have slight astigmatism in MY left eye. Huh.
That is all for the random thoughts.
VDogs last blog post..A Return to Bed Head
And you’re writing your memoir when?
pattys last blog post..the week in rewingdangdoo