Aug 15 2008
Of All My Demon Spirits, I Need You The Most
I figure I’ve left you all hanging long enough. Here’s the story of my aunt in part one of a little series I’d like to call Meet the Fuckers: The Tales of my Family.
(Seriousness disclaimer: You were warned)
My aunt was 21 the year I was born. She was my mother’s first half sister. She had long, blond hair, blue eyes, and I think she just might have been left handed. She was the only blond in her family of jet-black haired relatives. Though my mother was quite the looker, she paled next to my aunt. Most of the western hemisphere paled next to her, to be perfectly honest. She. Was. Beautiful. In every way. She smiled all the time, she had a wicked laugh, she was incredibly intelligent.
There’s some weird genetic variance in my family that causes the second born child to look seriously, questionably unlike anyone else in that immediate family. My aunt didn’t resemble anyone in her family, I don’t look like either of my parents or any of my siblings. My second child and my brother’s second child look almost totally different than their older or younger siblings, who match as though they were twins. The strangest part? Those of us who are 2nd children, we mis-matches, all look EXACTLY alike. I am the spitting image of my aunt, my son looks like I had a baby with me, all frog-style, and my nephew could EASILY pass for my child. I bet that if his mother and I took him out, no one would guess he was hers.
So, yeah, we were close. I kind of idolized her. Truth be told, everyone did, but I looked like her and no one else I knew did.
She was thin, and apparently, she had always been thin. My grandmother and great-aunts explain that she was “just as skeeny as a bean pole!” and that’s why her name was Beaner. I was a good deal older than I should have been when I came to the realization that A) her real name was Jean and B) Beaner is one of the more vile racial slurs one could chose to casually throw around. Leave it to my relatives, I tell ya.
When we were really young, my aunt was around quite a bit. She was a big fan of my dad, and really dug his band, and came over almost every night we had band practice. Her first husband, Tommy, rode a motorcycle, and I blame him for my total lack of ability to resist a bike to this very day.
When my parents divorced, and when Beaner and Tommy did, too, we saw less of her. She met and married a beautiful, Latin-ish man named Carmen, and I blame him for my total lack of ability to resist a Spanish man to this very day.
My family is, for lack of a better word, poor white trash. All of ‘em. All of them, except Beaner, that is. She dug herself out a lovely little career rut pioneering some technology that is still used today to perform heart transplants. She drove a Ferrari that she used to let my brother drive, though he was too young, in the rain as they hydroplaned down the 202. She had a beautiful home in the affluent suburbs of New Castle, which is just south-west of Wilmington, which is the major city in Delaware, which is….oh fuck it. It’s where Ryan Phillippe is from and it’s about 30 minutes south of Philly.
In her house, she had glass tables, crystal wine glasses, a living room that no one ever sat in, an eat-in kitchen, and upstairs was a weight room. In that weight room there was a crawl space that led to a storage room. She, being childless herself, had that crawl space re-enforced and that storage area sound-proofed, wired and lit, and it became our playroom. She filled it with bean bag chairs and microscopes and all sorts of geeky, sciencey stuff that delighted us to no end.
When she started losing her mind, we stopped coming over.
My father has this picture of my grandmother (his ex-mother in law) and her two sisters, all sitting in a row, and he calls it the Nut Squad Shot. He has shoved that picture in the face of every woman of (our googlable last name’s) descent and neener-neenered us with it. “THIS is your destiny,” he’d laugh. My aunt never laughed back. He remembers with a sigh now that she always seemed not just unamused by, but abjectly afraid of, that picture.
None of us are of totally sound mind or body. We KNOW this. Some of us are just better at working around it. Beaner was. She was the only person in the complete total history of my family to go to college. She made it out, she made it happen, and then she found cocaine.
If you are related to me, you should just never do anything harder than pixie-sticks.
My mother was convinced she was possessed by Satan himself. Beaner was so coked out, she was starting to believe it. She smoked pot to calm her down when she was trying to not do blow, and then she did blow when she was sick of being calm. She hated her husband, and there were always rumours about him beating her, though never confirmed. She was angling for divorce, she was using so much she stood to lose her career, and she had no where to turn.
Beaner left her home, at the behest of her “boyfriend” (an old family friend who totally had the hots for her, and who was totally not anywhere near her league, and I know that’s bitchy but it’s true, and I am still pissed at that fucker.) She went to my grandmother, but, yeah, my grandmother is the craziest human alive, and with all the murals off hell and the channeling of George Washington and shit, that wasn’t really going to work. She came to my mother, her oldest sister, and offered to pay her for a bed to sleep on and some sanity. She couldn’t do drugs in my house, what with four kids running around. We were super-mega-christian; she knew she’d be safe.
My mother turned her away. She said she just couldn’t handle Beaner’s demonic influence in our home.
She checked herself into rehab one fall day. She checked herself out after 48 hours. No one knew she’d left except her doctors who begged her to stay. She showed up at our doorstep again, drunk, tired, smelling like a really full ashtray, and was sent away again. I don’t know what she did after that.
A few days later, I missed my bus to school. I almost never missed my bus to school. I cut across the elementary school fields, ran down the side street, and booked it towards the last stop on the route. I’d done this a few times before, and had caught the bus every stinking time. I missed it that day.
I walked back home, opened the door, and the phone ran. Yup, just like that, just then. I answered it, and my other aunt, the aunt by marriage to the step-uncle, informed me the best way she knew how that they’d found Beaner’s body somewhere near the train tracks that run down 1-95. I hung up the phone, and paused for just one second to reflect on all the many subtle ways that something made damn good and sure I fielded that phone call that morning. I turned, walked into the living room, and with one sentence watched the last remaining flicker of sanity in my mother’s eyes die out.
It was on me to call the rest of the family, the friends, my father, everyone I could think of. I’m not entirely sure how old I was, but I don’t think I’d even started my period yet. And I was playing The Reaper. And I did it, dead cold, straight faced, like a god damn rock.
The coroner determined that she had been sober, and sober for at least a full day. He also determined by the grip around her cigarette lighter that she had been scared out of her wits, and by her body temperature when she was found that she had laid on those train tracks for more than 3 hours. BEFORE the train ran her over her neck.
She was drug a good ways before she was flung into the weeds. The train conductor thought he’d seen something in his path at one point, so they were actually able to locate the approximate spot she laid, waiting. I don’t know who found her body, all I know is what they saw. That, I won’t tell you.
Sometimes I am really glad that I live 3,ooo miles away from where I grew up, because though I cannot remember how to get to my old school, and I can’t picture the route to my church I attended 3 days a week, every week, for 16 years, I can with perfect clarity recall the exact spot on the highway that is across from the place they estimated she laid on the tracks that night. It’s burned into my brain, and I don’t think I ever want to see that again. Ever.
I never got to say goodbye to her. My mother forbid our attendance at her funeral, and I have no idea where she’s laid to rest. I’m not entirely sure she was buried, but I imagine there is a grave-marker or a tombstone somewhere with her name on it. I don’t believe in heaven or the afterlife, but sometimes I find myself talking out loud to her, just in case. I wonder if she would be proud of me for getting away from our family, or if she would condemn my choice to disown her mother and sister. I wonder what kind of Christmas presents she’d send my kids, her first great-nephews and niece. I wonder if she and my brother would still take the Ferrari out for a spin in the rain. I wonder if she lived so hard because she knew it was going to be short, and she had to squeeze in a lot in that little time she had.
Mostly, though, I wonder if she knew the impact she had on our lives. I wonder if her thoughts turned to her nephew and her niece in her final hours, who aside from my grandmother, arguably took the loss of her the hardest simply because we only knew the sunshine and the smiles and the light, and the nightmare she lived was beyond our comprehension. She was our beacon, our role model, our hope.
And now she’s just gone. *poof* Just like that.
Comments close after 5 days. Because Spam sucks. 82 Comments to “Of All My Demon Spirits, I Need You The Most”
This story is so sad, but well told. I am very sorry for the loss of your incredible aunt. Oh, and I guess I’m delurking…
I’ve been married to you for 10 years (September 6th) and you have never told me the whole story. I love you even more. And yes, I am going to bed now. Move over.
I am sitting here stunned. If I didn’t know, I would say that you have a gift of imagination. Of a true visionary storyteller.
But I do. So I sit here speechless.
And even more amazed at the person you are.
<3
Kelleys last blog post..Where did my boy go? Oh there he is.
that was so fascinating. Seriously. I love yr stories.
amys last blog post..And her heart may be broken a hundred times
Hi Lady……..that sucks…….hard. Peace, Mike.
All I can muster is WOW. Looking forward to more entries.
Megryansmoms last blog post..I am a WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, I am sorry you lost your childhood idol but amazed at the story. It’s unfortunate the end was what it is, but the story itself is how she will live on in your heart forever. Absolutely beautiful story and wonderfully written. Thank you for sharing.
Hockeymans last blog post..Daddy Date Night - 08.14.2008
In your talented hands, it’s a story well-told.
I am so very sorry you lost her.
pattys last blog post..not that kind of girl
It’s a beautiful and sad tale told with so much love and so masterfully.
Wills last blog post..So, you want to be a stay-at-home parent?
You are wonderful writer. And a wonderful example to everyone in the art of rising above hardship, emotionally, mentally, phyiscally. It was a wonderfully sad story that made me feel. Like I new your aunt. I would like to think that all things happen for a reason but somethings just don’t make sense.
Aside: being originally from the big state of DelaWhere? myself - I too have used the Ryan Phillipe reference.
Jos last blog post..One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequile, FLOOR
I’ve been lurking for a while, but this post hooked me with the Indigo Girls reference, and I’m glad you did - how wonderful to have had such a ray of light in your life, and how sad that she’s gone. This was beautifully written, I hope you have plans to share it in print someday.
I love you, Mr. Lady.
Now go on to bed.
daysgobys last blog post..walking with a giant
Ach. But hey, look what you’ve just done — she’s out here, in the ether again. Beautifully done.
Ellies last blog post..I Miss
Wow. This was powerful. I was brought to tears several times over. I love your writing.
Perksofbeingmes last blog post..Keezy
I find we have more in common than I previously thought. White trash backgrounds are indeed…different.
I’m sorry you lost your aunt. Hopefully you’ve been able to rise above the influence, so to speak. Great storytelling.
cory at agoodhusband.nets last blog post..My Sixth Anniversary Trip
Fuck me.
Koris last blog post..NOT Because….
O.M.G.
Seriously. Holy heck that was…..
I’m just stunned.
Natalies last blog post..Kone
Wow. Love your writing. Very powerful stuff.
Nells last blog post..Triplets
I don’t know what to say besides the following question.
Should the three of us Vancity girls have called each other first, to ask
make sure we wouldn’t be wearing the same outfit?what were were posting about?Amazing story. I can relate. I have an odd family background. Thanks for sharing it. It’s wonderful to read honest stories about who you are and where you come from and it will be a great legacy for your children to read about your thoughts and memories when they are older.
WhenSheWorePonytailss last blog post..How I Met Your Father pt1
You’re an amazing storyteller. Thank you for sharing this.
What an incredible story, and so tragic.
I’m so glad that she had you and your brother to experience and remember her sunshine and light. I bet that she was glad to have been your aunt too.
Karen MEG (pomtini)s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen - Coupledom
No matter the subject matter, you are always an amazing story teller.
I do believe in God, Jesus, Heaven and the whole lot… but it still pisses me off that the people who touch us the deepest are the ones who have the shortest time in our lives, and the ones who torment us are the ones who live to see a ripe old age.
Thanks for sharing this, I’m looking forward to future installments.
AmyMs last blog post..Road trip
I don’t even know what to say to this. What a tragic story. And I would be talking to her, too. \
Jills last blog post..The one where I go trolling for nasty Google hits
WOW.
(Sorry. That’s all I got.)
Kates last blog post..Itty Bitty
Wow - great post. I believe that people are in and out of our life so that we can learn something from them - she must have been brought into yours to show you that there was more and that you too could move beyond. Thanks for sharing this.
Wow. Thank you for putting this out there. I’m so sorry it happened. Take care.
anne nahms last blog post..I’m Taking This As a Sign I Should Act On
::cheers::
Yeah, every B-Day I miss her a bit more.
(Interesting aside: I was told that Mom could not say Jean as a child, and use to say Bean… and thus the Beaner.)
( That car was fast. Vette… Ferrari… they’re all the same (wink))
Gnillepss last blog post..Of All My Demon Spirits, I Need You The Most
OH For any of you reading the comments, go back to July 8th and read the joke at the bottom of the post, after my sisters lovely tribute to me, so you can be horrified. LOL
Lady - You should provide a link to it in the post… and you are going to hell.
Gnillepss last blog post..Of All My Demon Spirits, I Need You The Most
I, too, am glad I live half-way across the country from where I grew up, for what might be many of the same reasons as you.
Amazing storytelling!
rosaliciouss last blog post..Social media hoarder.
Is there any way to leave just a blank comment? Just to say that I was here? And that the post moved me. But also I am completely unable to express anything more intelligent than, “Wow, Shannon.”
And Gnilleps… I can’t believe you reminded us of that terrible joke. I didn’t even have to go back to remember what it was. :P
Fawns last blog post..You can always depend on the kindness of strangers
What an intense tragedy.
In the Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..Sarah’s Olympic Opinion
I cant read you canadian girls anymore. You outshine me with your words.
This was an amazing and tragic story. But you did it a lot of justice.
Misss last blog post..Awake
Every time I read another’s story I feel closer and sadder….thank you for sharing.
abunslifes last blog post..The Great Chore Divide
I… I just…. wow. I’m sorry.
CarolynOnlines last blog post..An internet assignment.
Whoa! That was so well written - I could almost see her. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Mary Beths last blog post..HAPPINESS IS…
You know that feeling when the novel you’ve been devouring is finished and you just keep looking at the book hoping that somewhere, somehow there’s more because it was just.so.good.to.read? I wish that story were a book. Hint, hint. You are an incredibly gifted writer and I want to know more about your whacked out family. Holy shit!!!!!!
Susans last blog post..Ssssssshhhhhhhhhh!!!
That was the most stunning and moving thing that I’ve ever read on your blog. I feel like I was there. I feel your pain and I’m so sorry this happened to your family.
One Moms Opinions last blog post..John Edwards
i hate that this fell on you. that you had to be the one to tell people. my heart breaks for wee mr. lady.
alis last blog post..The Boots is three
Excellent story, m’dear. Methinks you should write a memoir about your life. I would love to read it.
Holy crap.
I would pull up a chair and listen to you talk for hours.
There are too many heart-stopping, breath-taking sentences up in there to even begin quoting any of them.
O holy crap, though.
The sorrow and the pain in human existence seems unfathomable, but then so too are the forces like that which got you to be the one to take that call (you?! still a girlchild?!!), and also that which got you the hell away from all that. Inside you, outside you, whatever.
The fact that you are able to render it all with such commanding clarity is yet another in a string of miracle/gifts, and I’m ever so glad you’re sharing them with the world. I second Ashley’s thought that you should take them and move them from the transitive — if easily international — media of the digital, to the parked-in-the-library-of-congress-forever world of print.
I’d be first in line at my local bookstore.
Pollys last blog post..A brief ditty about time
I’m so very sorry you had to deal with that as a child. I sit here silent - sending you hugs.
I’m sure your Aunt is very proud of you and sends you rays of sunshine daily. You are an amazing women you have a lot to be proud of!!
These types of life happenings are what keeps us strong and grounded. You are a wickedly strong person!
Thank you for sharing.
Darlas last blog post..Middle Age - For Better For Worse
I’m delurking today and letting you know how much I appreciate your story. My family is ten shades of fucked up. My sister could actually be your aunt, except she’s still alive. And sometimes I wish she wasn’t because she’s an awful person.
I’m adding you to my b-roll. You rock.
Zaks last blog post..Someone Left Their Underwear In Our Backyard
This is a beautiful post, raw and honest. And, she’s stunning. I’m so glad you have good memories of her.
She Likes Purples last blog post..Because Other Topics Are SO MUCH HARDER To Focus On
I have nothing to add that everyone didn’t already say. Just wow on so many levels.
BusyDads last blog post..The Heart of the Matter
Damn. I don’t know if I could delve into my family history without it completely ripping my soul apart (many, many parts of said history being very dark…the kind of dark that makes me nauseous and sad). You are a brave woman and an amazing storyteller. I think I’m starting to idolize you a little bit. Okay…a lot.
Momo Falis last blog post..After The Third Person, We Locked Him In An Office
Okay, i am sitting over here with tears streaming down my face…what an incredibly hard and sad thing to go through. You are an exceptional writer…thank you for letting us in just a little bit more!
Kats last blog post..Stupid is as stupid does
Aw Mr. Lady. I had an Uncle like this. It’s so hard to be a kid caught in the middle, especially when you don’t understand (at the time) what’s going on. This was so well-written. I’m sorry you had to write it, but I’m so glad you did.
heather…s last blog post..The Olympics Are Killing Me
I hung on every word. What an amazingly written sad story. I’m sorry for your loss those many years ago. And, I admire your ability to abandon your roots and make a better life for yourself. I’m sure Beaner would be proud.
VegasDads last blog post..fill ‘er up friday: 8.15.08
I don’t know what to say, but I’m not going to be an asshole and not say anything.
I think Beaner would be proud of you. You’ve become more than the sum of your parts.
Jennifers last blog post..Comrade Obama
My condolences to you and your family. That was a heartbreaking story but I’m glad you had the guts to tell it and to get what you needed off your chest.
Wow, that was a crazy story and I think what makes it even crazier is that is was real and you experienced it. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you but you must be a very strong person to have dealt with that at such a young age.
Allie Bears last blog post..First Day of School
This post is breathtaking. What a horrible loss. A beautifully-written tribute to your aunt.
Jennifer (Et Tu?)s last blog post..Radio appearance and update
Damn. Just, damn. Your aunt, your story, your words… I feel weird thanking you for sharing such a horrible event but your writing is such a fucking gift I can’t help it. I hope that your aunt has found her peace, and has raised an eternal middle finger to all of those who tried to bring her down.
manager moms last blog post..My Long Overscheduley Nightmare Is Almost Over
she was a beautiful girl. that is tragic.
how old was she?
Sometimes I think that those of us that carried heavy burdons for our families at young ages are better for it… and sometimes I think we were robbed of those few precious carefree years.
Mostly, though, I’m just glad when I and others make it through to the other side.
It is what it is.
Great post, man. Great post.
Deepless last blog post..Why I should not have conversations with myself while driving home in the fog.
AMAZING writing! I read this post this morning, and wanted to wait till I could say something meaningful about it- but here I am hours later and still all I can say is WOW.
Glad you shared this. I don’t know why, but I was surprised by her appearance when I got to the end. I kept picturing my own aunt, who also met with an early demise (and was definitely not as attractive). Strange similarities though. Her husband rode a Harley. They lived hard as well. I remember after her funeral my wife and I went out drinking with him and we found out for real what they had been into. He made us an offer to go with him to Mexico where he had half a kilo of uncut coke buried in some field. Dunno…sometimes life just sucks. I always try to remember that I myself am partly who I am because of her presence, even if it was for a short period. In that way there are pieces of her personalty that will be carried on for a long long time. It makes me feel better.
Matts last blog post..The Hottest Baby Clothes on the Cheap!
holy shit.
you, zj and huck have dealt me a three-fer blow to the gut today.
i’m amazed. appalled. astonished. awed.
hugs.
the planet of janets last blog post..Haiku Friday: the flatten me like a pancake edition
Oh mah holy hell - I think I love The Donor, too.
I will never understand, but always, ALWAYS be amazed, at your escape from your family. I am so proud to call you a friend.
Rees last blog post..Friday Haiku - In pictures
Man, she’s gorgeous!
Somehow, I’m not surprised by it, though. Is that weird?
Aprils last blog post..A Rite of Passage
She was a beautiful, beautiful woman. I know this sounds all dopey and new-agey, but she emanated a certain light. Something I can tell just from looking at that old photograph. I can see why you loved her so.
I’ve said it before, but seriously: you like rip the heart and soul out of the person you’re writing about, let it simmer in your brain for a little bit, and then, eventually, it comes shooting out of your fingertips and onto the keyboard.
You’re amazing. I love you.
I mean, I know it’s a little early on in our relationship, but damn, woman, you’re fantastic.
All the shit you’ve been through should never have happened. But you’ve made an amazing leap from what your family was, and what you didn’t want, to the incredible person you are. I’m sure you have plenty more where this came from. Unfortunately for you, but fortunately for us. Your writing makes me a better person. And I love you for it.
flickrlovrs last blog post..I’ve Gone Over To The Dark Side
have you been contacted by any editors or agents ?? you are so talented and you have a story to tell.
feeners last blog post..New York Times article -READ THIS
That was literally the most chilling thing I’ve ever heard. Your poor aunt. Hearts.
Leslie Dillingers last blog post..
I mean “read” not “heard.” Fuck it, you know what I’m talking about.
Leslie Dillingers last blog post..
Wow - that is one hell of a story. I felt a chill through my bone.
I’m so sorry about your Aunt.
Thank you for writing.
Isn’t it amazing the visions you remember and are burned on your brain. Incredible story. Will be back for more. Thank you.
How do you pull out your stories? I guess with your past, it all has to come out, and I thank you for sharing.
i…. wow. (((hug))) you’re so amazing.
Wow.
She was beautiful and broken.
tiffs last blog post..The most unhappy person.
Gripping story. It’s very hard to understand how people get to the point of feeling like there are no more reasons to fight, to live, to stay with us. Sorry to hear about this Mr Lady. I don’t believe in family curses, and I hope you don’t either.
Jeremy (Discovering Dad)s last blog post..Spotlight on Dads - Chris Lewis
Wow! I wonder what happened exactly…….not in a gruesome way, just wondering the mindset….so sad. She was a beauty!
christys last blog post..Lurky Turkey
Mental illness is such a sinister thing.
I’m so sorry for your loss…and everything else.
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Thankful Thursday
You are a fabulous story teller…and what a story THAT is. WOW.
I’m sorry for your loss. I have a hard time believing in the whole heaven and afterlife thing too…but I can’t help but talk to my grammy and uncle as if they can hear me sometimes. The part about wondering if she would be proud. I can totally relate.
MommyCosms last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: So Very Wrong
I’m sorry that you never got the chance to say goodbye.
Latte Mommys last blog post..Where In the World….?
If you keep raising the writing bar so high no one will be able to reach it. That’s just part of your plan, isn’t it? ;)
Wherever she is, she’s proud of you.
NukeDads last blog post..So Much To Learn
Jesus, girl, you really know how to make me cry.
Aimee Greeblemonkeys last blog post..Announcing! The Monthly GreeblePIX Contest!
Wow, really powerful blog!
I saw your title of this post in your comment at mommyismoody.com, and was intrigued. (& I knew that you know my sistah VDog)
Great story. Sad content, eloquent telling. Props to you!!!
Al_Pals last blog post..Written & Print-Screen’d last night
I am sure she would be proud of you. You are amazing. She would love you and dote on your kids.
janethesanes last blog post..Cosmic Unfairness
Mr. Lady,
I just found your blog recently and after reading this post all I can say is, Wow. Amazing story. I can relate to so much of this, even beyond the fucked up family bit.
I lost my childhood hero too. My brother. First to drugs and alcohol (which he swan dived into because he couldn’t come out of the closet) and then later, after we’d begun to get reaquainted, for good. His heart finally gave out on him. He was only 43.
I’m really sorry about your aunt. It’s tough to lose anyone you love, but even tougher to lose them more than once.
Peace
No Clockss last blog post..Part 2 - What Really Makes Us Late?
Beautiful.
Eve Greys last blog post..Just dance. Gunna be okay. Da-da-doo-doo (oh yeaah)