Aug 18 2008
I’m Still Not Exactly Sure Where I Was Going With This
I leave for Denver in 10 days, and I’m struggling to pack. I’m a historically bad packer; I either bring 257 outfits too many or I bring only a wife beater and some yoga pants. I’m shooting for just a carry on bag, so I’m carefully negotiating what exactly I bring. I can live without the Keen’s, I have to bring the Crocs (shut up, Kelley, it’s Colorado. They kick you out if you don’t wear them in.) I am bringing the hothothot jeans, but I’d better bring the jeans that fit perfectly now fat jeans, too. The cardigan comes, the hoodie stays. You get it.
I decided a few weeks ago to leave the mustache at home.
Normally, I’d do what I always do with my awesome goatee and massacre that fucker in the privacy of my bathroom. I have, however, had mixed results with this tactic in the past. Because I’m going home for 4 days all by myself, and because I’m hoping to look even slightly like a girl, I decided I’d get a professional wax job.
I have never been waxed before. There are a small handful of tortures I’m willing to pay for, and having tiny little baby hairs ripped out of the most sensitive spots on my body just didn’t make the list. I can shave my legs, I have tweezers, and as for the rest of it? Well, I do believe that it is written somewhere in Leviticus that I am biblically obligated as a dutiful wife to make my husband’s life as hard as is humanly possible, and so if he has to bring a weed wacker, a garden trowel, some flour and a Mag Light into the bedroom with him just to figure out where he’s supposed to land, that’s just me making him work for it. I’m pretty sure that means I’m getting into heaven.
Back to the wax. I decided that I’d splurge a little and get the eyebrows, the lip and the chin waxed a week before I left for Denver because god knows the trip itself isn’t a splurge of any sorts because I’m going on OFFICIAL BLOG BUSINESS involving throwing a party for a couple hundred people who won’t even know I’m in the room and it will do nothing for my traffic and no one’s paying me to do it and in fact it’s kind of costing me an assload of money and my kids are pissed they’re not coming, but that’s not a splurge. Waxing is a splurge. This has entailed me not plucking anything for a few weeks to get everything nice and long for the impending carnage. This is not easy for me in any way. I am a picker, a plucker, a trimmer. I tend to go too thin with my eyebrows, and after a few weeks of planned neglect, here is what I look like as of this morning:
I am freaking the fuck out. But I want them to be full and even after they’re waxed, so I’m letting it fly. We’re not even going to talk about my upper lip right now, sufficed to say that I get to enjoy my chocolate milk longer than most of you do.
Anyway, I’m sitting on the couch the other night, kind of rubbing at my neck a little (it was hot, I was sweaty, and no, we’re not getting all soft core right now) and I noticed something. There was the tiniest littlest sort of a bump. I was all, “oh shit, do I have neck cancer?” because I always think I have cancer. Like my Cherry Angioma that I have all over my damn body that are multiplying at at a rate that’s making all the rabbits in my ‘hood go, “Err?” and I know that they’re genetic and unavoidable and totally harmless unless I’ve been exposed to mustard gas and OH SHIT HAVE I BEEN EXPOSED TO MUSTARD GAS but still I am constantly counting them and measuring them and they just laugh at me and grow, just like they do when I’m pregnant and OH SHIT AM I PREGNANT because these things only do this when I’m pregnant but since they tend to pop up in geometric shapes just like my zits do, I at least get whittle away 9 long, heavy months playing Tetris on my huge thighs, and was then I was all “Oh shit, do I have neck acne?” because yeah, like I need neck acne to go with the back zits and the chest zits and the left side of my nose zits and that one zit that I found in my cooch a few weeks ago and OH SHIT DO I HAVE GARBAGE DICK but I don’t and really, people sometimes get zits in weird places just because there are pores there and I sweat like a stuck pig and people really do commonly get zits in girly places, you can google it, and SHUT UP I DON’T HAVE GARBAGE DICK but I’m pretty sure I was done with puberty when I was, like, 18, so I guess I’m just getting ready to make The Change and OH SHIT AM I MENOPAUSAL?
And then I remembered to take my damn meds already. I kind of fiddled around with the bump for a second, and the next thing I know, I have
a wiry, gray, coarse, 1 1/2 inch long HAIR
in my fingers. There is a hair, a long ass hair, growing out of my neck. NECK. Not, like, just my lower chin; like, where my chin suddenly becomes my throat.
You. Have got. To be Motherfucking. Kidding. Me.
I ripped that sucker right out, but then I got all paranoid. I mean, it’s not like subjecting my poor neighbors to my growing beard and my unibrow all these weeks wasn’t enough, but how long have they had to look at the hair protruding from my neck? How long has no one around me been looking me in the eye because I’ve got an escape rope hanging out of my fat ass underchin even though I’ve been really good about putting on eyeshadow AND mascara every day for, like, a month that’s obviously totally been wasted and I’ve even busted out my super hot smoky black eyeshadow and not just because I’m trying to cover up the goddamn cherry angioma that has appeared in the corner of my left eye and OH SHIT I HAVE CORNER OF MY LEFT EYE CANCER. I started checking around the rest of my neck, and sure as hell is hot, I found another hair on the other side. It wasn’t as long, and it wasn’t as wiry, but it was THERE, yo. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I ran up to the bathroom, and I busted out my wax.
Have you ever waxed your neck?
I think it would be a lot like waxing your nostrils. There are places you simply should not rip anything out of. I couldn’t just stop at my neck, either. I HAD to do my chin, too. It’s one thing to attempt to make my esthetician’s job easier, but really? Seriously? Come on. I can’t walk around the rest of this week with a reverse landing strip on the bottom half of my face.
So, um, yeah. Should bring the sensible, respectable dress or the red corset? I can’t decide.
Comments close after 5 days. Because Spam sucks. 65 Comments to “I’m Still Not Exactly Sure Where I Was Going With This”
There is no comment I can leave that will make you laugh nearly as much as this link will.
My opinion? Bring the corset. It will distract people from noticing you are growing your own turtleneck and who doesn’t look hot in a red corset?
Lynettes last blog post..It was kinda like Freaky Friday
Well I guess it’s a good thing that you were touching your neck and not your nether regions when you found the errant wiry hair… I shudder to think of the pain you’d have if you gave yourself a Brazilian.
Jills last blog post..Photos Around Town…
Moral of the story: Never forget your meds.
CarolynOnlines last blog post..A letter to me.
I prefer to think of them as misplaced eyebrow hairs….
There is one word that can fix ALL of this….. LASER.
It hurts - but not that much. And the wiry-er and more rebellious the better. Three treatments and they are gone. FOREVER!
There are far worse places to find a gray hair.
Especially by your spouse.
Especially mid-coitus.
Wills last blog post..And so, it begins.
You? Are freakin’ hilarious. i think that is the longest run on sentence in the history of the world. We should get the Guinness people out here to check for a world record (or deliver a keg, whichever you chose).
I am so glad I don’t have facial hair issues. I would be so freakin neurotic about it!
Jills last blog post..Things that I learned during our Day Out With Thomas
Three words…
Laser
Hair
Removal
You’ll never have to wax again.
Take it from a hairy Dego….I know….trust me….I know…..
Tammys last blog post..Saggy…certainly. Droopy….for certain. But Black? and Tiny?
bwahahahahahahaha
*deep breathe gasp wheeze wipe away the tears of laughter*
bwahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa….
the planet of janets last blog post..Fun Monday: the answer me this edition
How about ummm…..shit I dunno….let it fly!
Hockeymans last blog post..Here we go again…
HAHA I love how truthful you are about all this stuff. And if you think waxing hurts, try electrolysis. That shit hurts like a fucker! I’ve been going to get my eyebrows and lip done. I want those hairs gone forever and never come back. The lady puts a needle in each pore and zaps the fuck out of it with electricity. If you’ve ever gotten a tattoo, it’s like the needle sits over the same spot FOREVER! I better look freaking awesome after all this is over with. And I too found a hair on the side of my neck once so don’t feel too bad. There are some other female chewbacca’s out there and I am one of them =(
Tiffanys last blog post..My Weekend Review
Holy shit you just made me shoot Pepsi through my nose.
What would I do without you?
Aprils last blog post..My Story
Shit, hundreds of people are seriously coming to the party? I’m so going to be out of my element. I haven’t been to a real party with more than a few people in ages.
One Moms Opinions last blog post..John Edwards
Red corset, all the way.
I have this one dark hair that chooses to grow at an inhuman rate out of the underside of my chin. I tend to forget about it for weeks a time and when I find it, it’s always long and curly. Gross. I so feel you. I think I’m inheriting my paternal grandmother’s facial hair. God help me. I’ll be using wax on my neck by time I’m 30.
SparklieSunShines last blog post..Then There Was The Time I Ran Out Of Gas
This is why I want to start a secret fund for laser hair removal. Lots of it.
Marias last blog post..fay it ain’t so
I’m still not sure about going down to lodo, especially if it’s going to be schmancy.
I mean, I’d have to shave my legs.
wwwaaahahahahahahaaaahahahaaa! Oh god, you are glorious. I LOATHE that feeling, when you discover a new nasty, and you’re all like, oh shit, I totally bitched out that guy the other day, and I just KNOW he’s been laughing at me ever since, that batshit crazy lady with the nasty hair growing out of the mole on her chin.
What’s happening in Denver and can I come?
xo
b.
I’m telling Lori to come read this right now. You two are like peas in a pod with the whole waxing/freak hairs/plucking thing.
Jeremy (Discovering Dad)s last blog post..Husbands & Dads - It’s Cool to be a Family Man
Dude, you should be happy this is the first one of those you’ve found. I started finding 6 inch eyebrow hairs like 5 years ago! The funniest part is that everyone says the same thing when they find em…*slowly, sort of under your breath* “what…..the…..Hell?.
The mag light flour thing made me dry heave, btw.
matts last blog post..The Hottest Baby Clothes on the Cheap!
I’m a packing retard too. I either have WAY too much or nothing event or weather appropriate. Or both.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..The Most Grossest
Beards are hot. I would still do you.
I think that you should just blow off Colorado and bring your hairy self to Utah to hang with someone who loves the true you. ;)
Loralees last blog post..Weddings
Tragically I knew exactly where this was going before you got there. Been there done that. And I didn’t even know those cherry things had a name, but am so glad now I can begin worrying if I have been exposed to mustard gas. And totally take the corset. Why the hell not.
MidLifeMammas last blog post..The treadmill gods
You up for some girl on girl action? Because is so think you are my soul mate.
I like, um, cyber-stalk your site every day.
But today, I am actually supposed to be working so I missed this post on my own.
UNTIL MY HUSBAND husband directed me to it, saying “did you read Shannon’s post today? ‘Cause it so reminds me of you. You will completely get it.”
And then I find out your post is about random hair outcroppings.
And then I wanted to say to him “Um, OK, honey, just ’cause SHANNON is cool enough to admit she has stray mutant hairs, doesn’t mean that I am ready to admit it to the world.”
But since he narc’ed me out on his last comment, I may as well confess:
Despite being naturally blonde with some minor color enhancement, I have small outcroppings of dark chin hairs that sprout out every 24 hrs. They are coarse and dark and really piss me off.
I pluck every motherf**king day. I am in love with my Tweezerman Pointed tip tweezers.
They would be my luxury item if I ever got picked for Survivor.
On days I am lazy, I use my Schick Silk Effects razor to just shave the F**kers off.
I have two hairs (one on each eyebrow) that if left to their own devices shoot out like a bent arrow. Thanks, dad. They get plucked at least once a week to avoid maiming someone else.
I luckily don’t have a mustache. But I am quite fond of my nose hair trimmers.
Oh, and as for the waxing? I refuse. Because, once, I got my brows waxed, and lost a chunk of skin due to the efforts of my less than skilled aestician.
Trust me, as sexy as it may sound, my husband so does not want to rub Neosporin onto my hoo hah because of a botched Brazilian.
So there. I feel better. Have at me, everyone.
Hey Lady!!!! Blame it all on the fucking medication……….that’s what works best for me. Hehe……everyone just smiles and nods their heads. Oh and the red corset will so go with your crocs…….rrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooaaaaawwwww. Peace, Mike.
You should have held out for a third one, then you could have done a nice french braid.
I had one coming out of my chest once that was like 4 inches long. I hate that; falls off of my head, but grows mutantly long out of my chest.
NukeDads last blog post..Time To Unpack
I do love you. I really think we should research the mustard gas cause I’m pretty certain it probably causes the neck acne, angiomas, wayward hair growth, general anxiety & packing issues….either that or maybe we can blame it on our children….or moms….yeah, that’ll work for me.
I find that that which does not kill us….generally pisses us off. Big hug.
I can identify with Nukes’ sentiments - head hair = thinning; nose, ear, back, chest hair = growing like a mad Italian.
Jeremy (Discovering Dad)s last blog post..Surviving Two Weeks of Family Vacation
So true. And so hilarious!
Brittanys last blog post..Dermatological Guest Post
Red corset dude. Brings out the silver in those neck hairs.
Misss last blog post..Awake
Just visiting from Nathan’s Brain Fertilizer.
Good grief, I don’t think I’ve ever read so much hairy TMI in one post. But I shouldn’t talk too much, I swear I sometimes have tentacles growing out of my eyebrows. And the talk about waxing is making me cringe.
diamond daves last blog post..Musical Interlude 8/15/08
I have a transparent hair that grows out the side of my cheek (yes transparent, not white) and every few months, it gets in the way of my vision and I pluck it. Thinking back, I think my cheek hair and your neck hair tangled for one fleeting moment at Blogher… I thought the pull was magnetism, I guess it was just the physics of fibers.
BusyDads last blog post..The Heart of the Matter
Thanks for the visual Busy D.
I think I just re-tasted my combo meal.
NukeDads last blog post..Time To Unpack
Welcome to Denver! And don’t even bother shaving/waxing/deforesting, etc. We’ll just say you’re from Boulder and that will explain it all!
See? One less thing you have to do :-)
Kaths last blog post..Obama DNC Ticket?
if he has to bring a weed wacker, a garden trowel, some flour and a Mag Light into the bedroom with him just to figure out where he’s supposed to land, that’s just me making him work for it
I. CAN’T. BREATHE!!!!!!!!
Shit, that’s good stuff. Sorry about the hair, but if that one hair caused THAT genius sentence…than, damn woman…the hair was worth it!
MommyCosms last blog post..Pull ups at bed time
There is absolutely nothing I can say to this post. Nothing.
Koris last blog post..Bling of a Different Sort
Too funny! Once and just once I thought I would be sexy and get a Brazillian before going to see my future hubs while he was living in DC. Umm,,Yeah, I only let her do one side. I paid for the whole thing just so she would NOT do it again. That hurts waay more than having a baby!
Julies last blog post..Weekend of Numbers
I hate that Crocs are even associated with this otherwise awesome state! But, I suppose I will let the Crocs wearing slide, since you *will* be freshly waxed. And all.
rosaliciouss last blog post..Worthless Monday.
Red Corset, cause I am metro…
Wow, we are so related. Years of being picked at, only to watch us obsess over really freak body ish. Like the yearning for the zit that you can feel emptying from your feet when you pinch it on your neck.
Oddly for a guy I am a bit sensitive about growing errand hair. Like I have the baldest ears of any 35 yr old man I know. Me, some tweezers and ALOT of free time. I pull my nose hair out so ofter, it doesn’t hurt anymore. Sadly my 1of3 (six years old) has back hair. Most of you are like so, my kids has the cute little transparent blond hair. No. I am talking missing link. Red, thick, gonna show up on a reality tele show for a fashion make over where they will attempt to make him walk upright and use his opposable thumbs, hairy back.
Gnillepss last blog post..I’m Still Not Exactly Sure Where I Was Going With This
Um… this is me. I let all my facial hair grow for about two months before our wedding and then got it all waxed… eyebrows, lips, chin (and yes, I get crazy neck hairs, too).
My husband kept making wookie noises at me.
Reeses last blog post..Big Bunch of Nothing.
HA, MR. LADY *DOES* WEAR CROCS!
Now Xbox will drop you and come back to me.
I’ma go find him and tell him right now.
maggie, dammits last blog post..Home, where my love lies waiting silently for me.
You are scaring me. I thought I was on Mr. Man by accident. But nope…Mr. Lady.
Bring the corset. You’ll need to distract from the ingrown hairs that will start to appear on your neck.
Mom101s last blog post..On (Psychic) Death and Dying: The 5 stages of grief vis a vis Barney
Travel hint:
You can always re-wear jeans, skirts, etc. (pack less of them!)
It is the shirts that you need a fresh one for each day! ;)
The corset sounds fabulous. May as well! :D
Al_Pals last blog post..Written & Print-Screen’d last night
Oh my hell, Oh my hell, Oh my hell. I am dying.
After kid 2. random stray hairs on the chin and neck area began appearing. I understand, I feel you, I am with you.
Dear lawd woman, I nearly choked on my beer reading this.
Bring the red corset. And the meds.
Do you know what hurts more than waxing (facial or brazilian)? Laser hair removal on the bikini line or the upper lip. Believe me. I’ve tried everything imaginable. It’s good stuff. I think waxing the neck wouldn’t be too bad. Better than electrolysis.
Remind me to tell you to look for my friend who I’m sending to your blog party since I can’t make it. She’s kick ass cool and might need a friendly face to say hello to.
Alisons last blog post..The high road…
[...] body, and other alien species I just finished reading Mr. Lady’s recent blog and links. And the ambulance delivery truck bringing my supplementary [...]
Funny thing: today I waxed my own “bikini” area as I was too ashamed to let that shit show to anyone but me. And I have a bruise that looks like Russia on my left thigh because apparently I was channeling some Russian while doing it. I would probably look like a Law and Order victim if I attempted to wax my neck. Don’t go there.
ms picket to yous last blog post..LiveBlogging the Witching Hour
You owe me a roll o’quarters to do laundry and wash these pants. Now they have coffee & spit on them.
You make me laugh, in other words.
Sarahs last blog post..Dear Sarah
I don’t think life would be any bit worth living without your regalia of neck waxing experiences. Really. Honestly and truly. You make my life worthwhile Shan.
Thanks for that.
It’s made all the more funnier (more funnier, WTF?!? that’s not a word-two words-whatever) by the fact that I have these great visuals and real memories of my Mom (recently) fuh-REEK-ing out at the fact that she has these little grey chin hairs of doom starting to grow. And little baby tufts of grey hair that’s practically invisible to the naked eye but dammit she SEES it and don’t I?!?
So yeah. I have been witness to your pain. And I’ve actually found a hair, ahem, growing OUT of one of my moles. So there. And it’s near my buttcrack. How’s THAT for honesty? Really. Beat that, YO.
flickrlovrs last blog post..On Why I Am Going To Have Joel McHale’s Baby
Don’t wax the neck. The mother fucking neck whiskers are just a cruel joke to add to aging. Just keep watching for them. I found my first last year. And no, it was not alone. I get about one a month and I swear they are there one day but weren’t the prior. Sucks.
KEEP BELIEVING
Crocs…
I have to withdraw my Rawr…
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..Crossing off the days
You’re lucky I love you. Or else I’d tease you mercilessly.
Marias last blog post..This Space For Rent.
Pluck, wax or embrace.
No other choice.
Me? I pluck. And wax. And fret. And stare at myself in the 5x mirror. And the 10x mirror. The mirror where a hair that will potentially grow SOME DAY looks like a giant peppercorn has landed on your face and set up a giant, point neon arrow sign that says, “HAVE YOU NOTICED THIS YET?”
Embrace… well, Rosie is the best example. On her show once, she talked about how she had this enormous chin hair that was resisting all known plucking efforts.
So, she super-glued a little crystal to the end of it. Ta-da! FANCY!
That of course takes more than moxie… it takes being a super famous millionaire lesbian.
But, you know, I believe in you.
Dare to dream.
What the frig time zone do you HAVE this blog on? It’s totally still the 18th. Cracker blog.
Which brings me to the question: were you high when you wrote this?
Because it’s fucking HIGHlarious.
VDogs last blog post..Guy Smiley
#1 - wow you’re popular yo.
#2 - looks like the corset wins. Besides, what’s the point of fucking respectable? who does respectable. Ick. how boring. ;)
Crap. I don’t even know where to begin. I should probably start by changing my panties and sopping up the pee all over my office floor. Yeah, I’ll start there. Then I’ll get back over here after I’m done staring at my face and neck under very bright lights for two hours, performing a grid search for errant hairs. You’ve resurrected one of my old OCD’s with this post, but it was the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks, so I forgive you.
Missives From Suburbias last blog post..The Five Minute Man
I think I am gunna have to say I agree with BoxBoy. And that hurts. HURTS woman!
But. This post totally cracked my shit up. And I had a cootch pimple the other day. Must have caught it from you.
I usually don’t bother with the waxer. I just go straight for the lawn service guys.
stpaulslims last blog post..It’s all sex Tuesday. The best of the blogs, August 19, 2008
My travel hint because I am a horrible, horrible packer:
Make a list of the days you will be gone.
List everything you are wearing each day, down to the underwear.
Cross each item off the list as you pack it.
Then jam 14 other random items in your bag just before leaving when inspiration strikes.
You will end up wearing the 14 items and about 1/2 of the stuff you planned.
You can thank me when you see me.
Take the sensible dress, send me a picture of you in the red corset.
Oh, and send me eyebrows, too.
Rees last blog post..Wedding - Past in Polaroids 2
1) If I get drunk enough at the party I will tell you where I have hair. It ain’t pretty.
2) I have my official Denver packing list complete. To the party, I will be wearing: a BCBG dress. That is kind of short so it will be worn over cute black capris with ballet flats that are the exact green as the green in the dress.
But that day, I will be wearing a black dress with pockets but with a pink belt around it and black peep toe heels.
You’re welcome.
Heather B.s last blog post..Housekeeping
Escape rope. (that would be when I officially lost control of my sphincter)
I’m all about the red corsett baby.
Marges last blog post..GreeblePIX
Oh god, the waxing . . . the plucking . . . the tweezing . . . it’s never ending!
I found a goddamned gray eyebrow the other day and I thought I was dying. Seriously. I feel your pain.
Carries last blog post..Hey Nineteen
I either bring 257 outfits too many
Or 257 outfits too many. Why do I have a hard time believing that you limit yourself to just one item. ;)
BTW, I hate packing.
Jacks last blog post..He Put a Gun To My Head
OH THANK GOD! I thought I was the only one. My 5 year old loves to tell random strangers, “My Mom has a beard.” Nice. Little fucker. Just found a 1-inch daddy long leg growing a good inch away from my eyebrow. Not even close to being part of my eyebrow. Like in the middle of my God damn forehead. And let’s not even talk about the hair growing out of my Witch-mole….could spear a cocktail olive with it. I feel so pretty right now. But hey, nothing a red corset and three margaritas couldn’t fix.
Iriss last blog post..The Accidental Tomato