Aug 24 2008
It’s Official…I Am Thirteen Years Old
Do you know that I kinda love me some hair metal? Do you know that I was a teenager at the height of the hair metal phase? Do you know that I grew up in a cult and Simon and Garfunkel was edited for content in my house? Do you know HOW MUCH THAT SUCKS?
A few weeks ago, some old friends rolled into town, and my friend Colleen and I threw on some black eyeliner, tight jeans and blue eyeshadow and went downtown to see them.
By ‘old friends’, of course, I mean ‘people that I knew when I was 22 because my friend Chris used to play in the band but quit because one of the guitarists was being a dickhead and right after he quit they made it, so bygones, and I haven’t seen in somewhere just over 8 years, since they went and got themselves all famous and shit’. Still, we hung out and swapped baby pictures back in the day. It was nice.
10 days ago I got to sit in the middle of GM Place, which is big, yo, and listen to them kick out some jams. Which is a fairly decent improvement from the last tiny little skank ass hole in the wall dive I saw them play at. But, admittedly, our seats were muchmuchmuch better back then. And we totally got backstage. Which was our cocktail table. This time, not so much.
So, anyway, they came to town with some other guys they seem to know now. Maybe you’ve heard of them? Motley Crue? You know, with the little dots over the U that I don’t know how to type, but Hubs does, but he won’t teach me? Yeah, them. Apparently, there is such a desperate need for getting more Crue in Ue that the sweet, nice boys in that band decided to go on a national tour, giving the people what they so desperately need. MORE CRUE. A festival of Crue, if you will. We’ll call CrueFest. With the dots. Whatever.
Buckcherry started their set, the one right before Da Crue went on, and I was *this* little bit anxious, because, well, I haven’t bought one of their albums since their first album, because I suck that’s why, and I didn’t really know what to expect. Good news? They sound JUST as good as they did back then. I was genuinely impressed. They played a few songs I knew, and then a bunch that I didn’t, and even though I couldn’t understand one single word they were saying except the slightly more (every) than (other) occasional (word) fuck and dick and cock and bitch, it sounded good. I rocked on. And got a bit of an education.
They played a little pianoy, guitary sorta diddy towards the end of their show called, I believe, “She a crazy bitch, but I like the way she fuck me,” and everyone’s instruments of shining light at rock concerts came flying out. Cell phones? Really? WUSSIES. Where’s the danger? Live on the edge a little, people.
(PS: Babysitters, people. BABYSITTERS. I really can’t stress this one enough. There are just some things children should only learn about on the internet.)
Next up? THE CRUE. Word to your mother. The show started out with a tremendous display of pyrotechnic prowess:
and then Vince Neil opened his mouth and I realized something I’d never have know had I not seen them live; he sings with that evil, unholy nasally voice because after so many hours of rocking out, the only decibels the human ear are capable of hearing are those at the same levels as a dog whistle. It’s GENIUS.
The show continued, and in a clever attempt to amuse the stoned off their ass, acid washed jeans wearing, 50 something really need a haircut and perhaps a direction in their lives adoring throngs of fans, they designed their backdrop to exactly match Space Invaders.
Can’t you just hear it? Bleep…bleep…BING! (Oh, wait, is that Pong? Shit, I’m old.) In case you need reference:
When I’m right, I’m right, yo. This was almost enough to distract me from the fact that the Jumbotrons on either side of the stage (not pictured) were playing a constant stream of a shockingly hard core, fisty sort of leather bound dominatrix lesbian porn THE ENTIRE DURATION OF THE SHOW. Thankfully, it was laced with almost but not quite subliminal anti-Bush propaganda, which was A) totally ironic and B) as close to art as I imagine those guys will ever get. Mad props. NO ONE could take their eyes off of it for the whole show, which got their message across nicely and kept anyone from actually having to look at 50 year old men in 18 year old boys jeans attempting to rock. THANK YOU, MOTLEY CRUE.
They put on an impressive light show, and I found it strange that a whole lot of their lights were the exact colors my two year old has chosen for her winter wardrobe.
But then I took my eyes off for one and only one second remembered the naked ladies doing really awful things to each other on the big screens, and I put that together with all the pink and purple, and I noted the excessive gyration on the stage, and it all became clear.
Motley Crue are FLAMING GAY.
Don’t believe me? How’s THIS for subtle?
Flames. Loads and loads of FLAMES. Anyway, the show went on, I squeeled with all the gusto my inner teenager could muster, and I realized by the end of the concert that maybe I wasn’t ever really so much into the Crue. Well, except for this guy. You can be as cocky, womanizing, disgusting and just plain yucky-pants as you want to be, but if you can play drums the way Tommy Lee can play drums, I’ll still sing along with all my little heart when you sit down at the piano and bust out a little ballad during your encore.
It’s okay, Tommy; I totally dig gay guys.
See all of Lotus’ Weekly Losers winners right here. I’m totally a winner. Winners go to CrueFest in their mid 30’s even though it’s a work night and traffic’s going to suck on the way home. THEY DO.
Comments close after 5 days. Because Spam sucks. 54 Comments to “It’s Official…I Am Thirteen Years Old”
i love it. you are so my date for the next random concert. that was so adorably random. i actually (shhh) like Tommy. he’s hot in a fucked up way.
colleens last blog post..Bourbon Barrel Furniture
Oh my gosh, that totally sounds like fun! Motley Crue is just awesome.
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..Weekly Winners 8/24/08 - Portland, Oregon Edition
Who you calling loo hoo sair?
Love them of course, not so much the Crue
tiffs last blog post..Weekly Winners - glittershoot.
Hey Lady! Buckcherry as in… Hey you’re a crazy bitch…..but you fuck so good I’m on top of it………WARNING: This material contains GRAPHIC Lyrics. So don’t buy it for your fucking kids…….M’kay? Now maybe I’m a little old for this……don’t like the crue….never did. BUT, and I mean it, I only venture into the night to see a few of my favs. Tonight…..I’m going to see Mahogany Rush (with Frank Marino)…..Wednesday I’m going to see King’s X(YEAH!)….and I went to see Megadeth in May. Conclusion: I’m getting too old for this shit. Peace, Mike.
P.S. I’m in my fifties…………shit.
Rock-the-fuck-On!!
OMG. That looks like so much fun. I missed out on a bunch of this as a teenager too because I obviously grew up in your house. Who knew! And nice call on the space invaders…
Wahh hahaha. This was the best review ever.
Who doesn’t dig gay guys?
Rock on dude, that’s fabulous.
I love the pics and your comments on the pictures, too funny.
Ummm kids, at a BuckCherry and Motley Crue concert? Seriously. So the parents are idiots then? WTH!
rachels last blog post..The Age of Aquarius (or is it Aquariums)
Home Sweet Home is my all time favorite rock ballad of all time (yes I love it enough to be redundant about it).
So jealous you saw the Crue. Love them all (Nikki Sixx was always my favorite) except that Mick makes me want to barf everytime I look at him.
Jills last blog post..Fashion Show
I always knew you rocked, but I didn’t know you rocked THIS much. Awesome on the lighter, btw. I was also a metal head and never got to see Crue as they never came to my town. But I still wanna see Kickstart My Heart played live ;)
Hockeymans last blog post..List of Stuff I like
My cover band does two Buckcherry songs - “Next to You” and “Lit Up.” I actually felt a little prissy about the whole cocaine and f-word thing at first, but I’ve gotten over it. At this point, we’ve pretty much committed to being a bar band only.
So Motley Crue is still decent? I’ve been trying to decide if I want to see them the next time they come through.
Average Janes last blog post..Average Jane Survives Another Week
Who is Mötley Crüe?
(I kid, I kid!)
MWAHAHAHAHA, I did it, neener neener neener.
Natalies last blog post..I like my blog
Kick ass. I’d go on principal. First I’d go looking for some Aqua Net, though. Old lady be damned.
The kids? I’m betting they are cooler than their parents and knew what was up. Their parents were all, “What is it they’re singing about, sweetie?” And the kid was all, “Shut the fuck up. I’m trying to rock.”
WhenSheWorePonytailss last blog post..Fuck the bright side
I wanna see Tommy in that drum kit that flew through the air and spun around. FUCK YEAH!
I want to see the blue eyeshadow!
Aprils last blog post..Weekend Wrap-Up
OK, the shower can wait….I couldn’t possibly concentrate on it knowing this post was out there unread.
That…ROCKS! Crue kicks ass, plain and simple. And they are SO not gay. saw Mick Mars in a Raphs supermarket in Malibu with his girlfriend buying a bouquet of flowers with a Mom balloon on it. Wouldn’t you think he could afford a nicer florist? Hmmm.
And the cell phone thing? Oh…..my…..god. I can’t believe it either. I busted out the real lighter during “Something to Believe In” and an usher told me to put it away! The humanity!
But I found a way around it….check this out
http://www.iphoneapplist.net/safari_application/Tools_Utilities/20080127/iPhone_Concert_Lighter_1589.html
matts last blog post..Is Preschool Bad For Your Kids?
Did you bring back memories.
I remember skating, yes, as in roller skating to “Home Sweet Home” as the lights dimmed and I pouted my shiny red lips hoping the hot guy with the long permed hair and tight jeans would ask me to dance . . . um skate dance, that is.
Oh, memories . . .
LaskiGals last blog post..You Can’t Beat Me
OMG you like butt rock.
That is awesome.
I don’t care for it but I like Air Supply.
Obviously, our love is tone-deaf.
Heh.
Loralees last blog post..I feel like a horrible mother today.
I have not been to a live concert since I was about 15 I think, how fun that you went to such a cool one!
OMG I used to love playing those video games…kids nowdays would probably think they are arciac. lol
Rebeccas last blog post..Weekly Winners - World Wide Photo Walk
Sounds like you had a blast!!
Rock on! When I worked at the record label back in the day I got to see KISS, Ratt, Poison and tons of other hair bands. Man, I miss those kind of bands, but BuckCherry is pretty close to them. Sounds like an incredible show! I bet you weren’t the only one with a lighter waving, instead of those stupid cell phone posers.
Jeremy (Discovering Dad)s last blog post..Spotlight on Dads - Jeff Tincher
Love the lesbian porn on the jumbotron. And yeah, I want to smack the cell phone people pretending it’s a lighter. What the…
Carolyn…Onlines last blog post..They say it’s your birthday…
That’s awesome. I’m glad you’re keeping it real with an actual lighter!
merrymishapss last blog post..tri time
Crazy Bitch is one of my personal anthems. And the video is trashic. In fact, in times of weakness or doubt, I just need to remind myself: Scratches all down my back to keep me right on.
But the big hair boys aren’t all gay. Most are simply transvestites. They like fucking women, but they like to do so wearing platform boots and spandex. Kind of like Eddie Izzard. But not as funny.
Rock on!
Deb on the Rockss last blog post..Obama O’Baby, You Can’t Text Message Make Up
I didn’t know you wrote for Rolling Stone!
Matt: How messed up were you? I think you left for a Motley Crue concert and accidentally stumbled into a Poison concert. Unless the Crue lost a bet and had to play one of Poison’s songs live. ;)
We had a guy back in Texas named Simon. He went to every concert from 1971 until 1993. Nobody knows what happened to him. BUT, you talk about cellphones being wussy? This guy was hard core. He had a lighter; alright, but he used it to light those old 32oz wax paper cups on fire! The dude was a pyro! You knew the concert was over when the Fire department rushed the floor to put Simon out. His record was 6 cups in one show. He was bald and eyebrow-less before the encore. The promoters started using him instead of the house lights. “Dude, Simon’s on fire, there won’t be another encore”. God bless you, Simon, wherever your smoldering carcass is.
NukeDads last blog post..Bobsledding Through “God’s Country”
Thank GOD you haven’t completely sold out and gone with the cell phone instead of the token Bic lighter. I can breathe a little easier now, knowing that you’re still keepin’ it real.
Great concert pics! And yeah, you’re a winner. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.
(Not like they would. Because we all know you’d kick their asses. Just sayin’.)
P.S. Love the added commentary on the photos. Forever young, dahling, forever young.
flickrlovrs last blog post..There’s Going To Be A New Regime Around Here
Seriously, that is the best concert review ever. Oh my gosh. I am cracking up.
BABYSITTERS! I couldn’t agree more. What are people thinking??
I was into the Crue.
Now my daughter and her friends are into them. Moo’s bestie wants to have Nikki Sixx’s babies. He could be her freaking GRANDFATHER. I am all ‘he is freaking FIFTY!’ and she is all ‘I would totally do him and Johnny Depp and House’ and I died.
Cause she would totally get them and I would cry.
You ARE a winner. Love this. And love to finally know about the Crüe (;), and the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name.
Ellies last blog post..Touché To Shea
Oh Glam Rock how we love thee.
Da Crue would be a fun concert to go to - glad you got to rock out and enjoy it.
Props to your lighter. Seriously. BIG UPS!
jennydeckis last blog post..Feel a Little Better About Yourself (every day!)
Totally hilarious! I’ve never been a metal head but thanks for the education!
Also, your Bic rocks. Cell phones are for sissies. Maybe they meant to go to the Taylor Hicks concert.
HeatherPrides last blog post..WORKIN’ LIKE A DOG MOM
You are officially nominated to go with my husband to every concert he ever wants to see, ever, because I cannot even consider subjecting my person to that kind of total body assault. I would be in a coma in 10 minutes. I am not built for that level of abuse. You rock way more than I do.
MidLifeMammas last blog post..On to Toddler 1
Damn girl that is some really great audio!
I am sad to say I have never seen the Crue in concert. Our big brush with Tommy was at a Celebrity Poker tournament at the Palms Casino in Vegas. Tommy had a Pam wannabe on his arm as he snorted line after line of the white stuff. Dave Navarro was in front of us, chilling with Jenna Jameson (even before he and Carmen split)
DD got bored and went to hit the tables and left me there. Alone. Weird, huh? Would have preferred that they rocked out rather than anted up.
Now, as far as rocking concerts go, here’s by list:
My very first… BonJovi circa 1983 in Hershey PA… I used more AquaNet than the Amish allowed. The ozone layer still hasn’t forgiven me.
Metallica (more times than I can count)
AC/DC
Ozzie
Poison… mmmm, rock of love!
Ratt
White Zombie
GWAR
*Sigh* I feel old now.
Buckcherry??? Effing Buckcherrry?? I would have sold my ass crack to see that concert! And I would have been the run that started her bangs on fire and sued Rave…not Aquanet. I loved the Rave Hairspray!!!
Damn it….Buckcherry???? I want to go!
My first concert was Poision. I was front and center baby. I was on the shoulders of a complete stranger with my big ugly hair and blue eyeshadow. I was screaming and lost my voice. I had the bic lighter even though I wasn’t old enough to buy one yet. I think it was the boy stranger who carried me on his shoulders all night long.
God, I miss those days. Now days I couldn’t pay a stranger enough to let me get a free ride. I would crush the poor stranger. Or I would break a hip!!!!!!!
Damn me for growing old!
krissys last blog post..The People have Spoken….
No you di-int… Really? Crue? I love you just the same, but may never look you directly in the eyes again.
I hate Buckcherry simple because of that Crazy Bitch song. It offends even me. But I love the Crue andd am, yes, jealous!
Koris last blog post..The Fat Cop is in Trouble!
I read this post to my husband last night along with a few others and blogged about it today- go read!
tenakims last blog post..Good News All Around!!!
Looks like you had fun! ♥ the labeled/illustrated pics~too funny!
Connies last blog post..Weekly Winners=August 17-23 2008
I just want to re-comment here and point out to everyone that Lori B. has seen GWAR in concert. I have never been so impressed in my life.
Matts last blog post..Is Preschool Bad For Your Kids?
I am rolling on the floor!
Motley Crue rules :)
Of course, I did drag my tired old geezer behind out this year to see My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult…..
I love me some Buckcherry… got some tunes on my iPod. If you want to make the ü
I can tell you how to do that. Hell yeah on the lighter, none of this pansy cellphone lights!
To type the ü in Crüe… type ALT + 0252
Tara R.s last blog post..At least buy me a drink first…
Remember Headbanger’s Ball?
Good times, good times…
traceys last blog post..So. What do YOU think?
Um, yeah…my trick for weirdy symbols and letters is to ‘insert symbol’ in Word and then copy/paste into my post. Cuz I’m WAAAY too lazy to remember the ‘alt’ thing.
I’m totally jealous now. I’ve never ever been to a rock concert.
Lexis last blog post..Tales from the Grocery Store
Girl, you couldn’t describe that any better if you tried, and the picture of the people with lighters, cell phone, hair on fire? So freaking funny!
But you did have a great time least, right????? And really? PEOPLE HAD THEIR KIDS THERE??????????????
Robinas last blog post..Bus news and baseball bats
I hate arena crowds. But the ONLY thing I will brave one for these days would be a hair metal reunion concert. I drove a Camaro in high school. You KNOW I lived on hair metal. I missed Cinderella a few years ago and kicked myself. Missed the Cult too. Kicked myself again.
Maybe iPhone can make a flame simulator?
BusyDads last blog post..It’s the Eye of The Tiger
mr. lady, we salute you. as you recently learned, i’ve had a tommy lee fetish for more than 20 years. i am not ashamed. glad to hear Motley Crue can still rock.
ps if you’re writing in word, go to “insert” then scroll down to “symbol”. all manner of funky foreign vowels and consonants await you there.
No Clockss last blog post..The Age of Lies - Phase One and Two
Dude, I totally dig gay dudes.
Judith Shakespeares last blog post..What are we… having social hour over here? I’m supposed to be being a bitch.
Lesbian anti-Bush porn? Is that an oxymoron?
imaginary binkys last blog post..Yo momma so poor she saw Obama for free
I? Am jealous.
Chris Cactuss last blog post..Reflection
Oh mah holy hell. I saw Buckcherry in Detroit a couple of years ago. Mr. Hot and I went to a Halloween concert - dressed up. We were “this close” to the stage because it was in this little bar…
If I can find the pictures…
Rees last blog post..Teachers - Past in Polaroids 3
I “giggle giggled” though this entire post..
Who didn’t like ‘Da Crue back then?
Kims last blog post..Wordless Wednesday - Love
I was about 10-13 in the height of the glam rock era. Stayed up too many Saturday nights watching Headbanger’s Ball. I had posters all over my room of men in makeup wearing tight pants and no underwear. I owned the original Poison: Look What the Cat Dragged In album cover (only on tape) AND a shirt with the same cover. They (censors) thought the long tongue was obscene then. I wonder what they’d think of the Crüe’s…erm…visual aids.
Am jealous. Much.
Andreas last blog post..Shy of Them
AWESOME! (and hilarious). Been on vacay so I’m just now catching up. See you tomorrow.
i love reading you. you be so funny. that was a rockin’ concert, no matter how old we are. therefore, fuckoff with your 30 somethings who go to concerts on a school night. shush you. ;)
colleens last blog post..Nominated for the Hot Blogger Calendar