Sep 11 2008
I Really Want to Make a Kung Fu Fighting Reference In Here Somewhere
Guess who has the most awesome blog readers in the whole wide blogosphere? I do, that’s who.
You guys are really, extraordinarily good at making complete asses of yourselves. Really, I am in awe. And I have to give someone that (fast as) Lightening Online t-shirt for making the biggest faux pas (which I will always pronounce as Foe Pahs, thanks to my darling step-mother, who thinks that’s really how you say it. Maybe she should get the shirt.)
In true, blond, Pisces me fashion, I find myself unable to pick a winner, so I’m leaving it up to y’all to decide. I have narrowed it down to 3 categories, with two entries in each:
In the Menstrual Disaster category:
Mutha, who was asked at the UHaul counter to show her receipt. (I’ll admit, this one’s my favorite.)
I checked my pockets. Nothing. I went to my car and didn’t find it. Suddenly, I remember where I had put it. It was in my purse, which I had left on the counter. I ran into the store yelling, “I know where it is!” I reached into my purse, saw the pink paper, shouted, “Here it is!” and pulled it out with a flourish.
There, dangling onto the end of it, was a maxi pad, which had somehow gotten stuck to the corner of the receipt.
Ahem. It wasn’t fresh, I had wrapped it in TP, because the rest room didn’t have a trash can and you can’t flush those things.
Special K, who had the quintessential junior high slasher chick nightmare happen to her.
OK In the 6th grade I was the first girl to start her period. It was a horribly heavy non stop thing I finally had to get shots to stop it. They gave me some hospital ones, you know, the ones after you have a baby? Except I didn’t have a baby and I was 11 years old.
The boys in my class found them, stuck scotch tape on the backs of them just to stick them ON THE HALL WALL SPELLING MY FIRST NAME!!!!!!!!
In the Poop category:
DCUrbanDad, who is really lucky she married him later.
Had an unfortunate sharting accident in college whilst trying to impress the ladies in college.
Was actually heading to the library with my now wife for an all night exam cram session.
Had to let one out after a dinner of enchiladas. I thought it was going to be fairly benign but boy was I wrong.
Ended up going commando the rest of the evening and threw my boxers away in the men’s room.
Secret Agent Mama, who shit in a ditch once. Seriously. More noteworthy; On her honeymoon.
“STOP THE FUCKING CAR!” I screamed.
He pulled over with diligence. I scanned the backseat, spotted and picked up a random towel, opened the door, and in one huge leap I was down in the swamp ditch with my jean shorts around my ankles, relieving myself. I didn’t care that I could be attacked by a gator. I didn’t care that there could be any poisonous plants. I didn’t care that a snake might bite me. I just didn’t care about anything, other than pooping, at that very moment. I dumped, I wiped, and I left the nasty towel. I wiped my brow and my upper lip, both of which were sweat drenched. When I looked at Michael, once I got back into the car, I saw this look of sheer, utter amusement on his face.
“Shut! Up! And, I swear Michael, if you tell ANYONE about this, I will divorce you,” I quipped confidently.
Oh, he told everyone. EVERYONE. And as luck would have it, every woman in Secret Agent Mama’s entire family has done this on their honeymoon.
In the Just Awesomely Stupid category:
Mrs F, who set out to walk with her newborn baby about a mile to a friends house.
When number one son was a few weeks old, I was running round to a friend’s house for coffee (also new mother). Remember those paranoias you used to have? About forgetting the baby? So, before I left the house I had a little mental checklist: Keys? Yep. Diaper bag? Yep? Baby? Got it. Looked in the hall mirror - Mascara? Wow yes.
Friend greeted me with snorts of laughter and “Think you forgot something?”. Ran through mental checklist….. nope, got everything.
Except clothes. Utterly naked from the waist down. Naturally, I had shoes on.
Matt’s is really long, but I can’t find a good way to edit it. He’s on a treadmill, at a crowded gym, watching the Waco, Texas stuff going down on the TV, when….
I jerked my attention back as my left foot ran off the left edge of the motorized belt. Immediately my right foot tried to correct from the rapid change in speed and my ankle rolled a bit. My entire body was lurched back and I panicked. Without thinking I grabbed ahold of the little handrail in front of me, but it was too late. I heard a collective gasp from the hundreds of people watching behind me as my body laid itself out, white knuckles gripping the bar, legs and feet outstretched behind me, dragging on the treadmill with toes pointed. My shoes made a deafening “BRAP BRAP BRAP BRAP” sound as they dragged on the treadmill, capturing the attention of the few people who were not watching at this point.
My body gave up and I let go. My chin slammed onto the belt and I was jettisoned back off the machine into a large rack of dumbells with a loud crash. My face flushed and my heart raced as people begin to laugh. In an attempt to salvage what was left of my dignity, I quickly and confidently scrambled to my feet and raced back to the treadmill, jumping onto it with gusto. The belt was still moving at the same speed that it had been when I had fallen off. I realized this a moment too late and begin leaning forward, flailing my arms wildly around in a large windmill pattern, trying to right myself. For some reason, my breath was coming out of me in loud grunts as I was doing this, like “UH, UH, UH, UH!” Another roar of laughter went up from the crowd. Eventually, I stabilized myself and continued to run, the eyes of a thousand laughing faces burning tiny holes into the back of my head.
And now it’s up to you. Vote for your favorite, and the blogger with the top votes on Friday morning needs to send me their address. Which I will use for evil. *wink*
(If you’re reading this through a reader, I don’t think you’ll be able to see the awesome poll thingy. Click through to vote.)
Comments close after 14 days. And there's Captcha if you're nasty. 44 Comments to “I Really Want to Make a Kung Fu Fighting Reference In Here Somewhere”
I had to go with Matt - mostly because I was laughing so hard I was crying.
Once upon a time, Jesse wrote..My Autism is showing..
Matt fo sho. Because he ate it twice. You see people fall off once, but to do it twice in a row? Classic. His situation is what the phrase “I meant to do that” was coined for.
Once upon a time, busydad wrote..OK, If You Throw in Beer and Good Company
Matt’s made me pee a little. And I really don’t have that problem. And it brought me back to the olden days, when I was a personal trainer who turned the treadmill on too fast for a client while she was on it and she totally bailed and sued the gym.
Once upon a time, Zoeyjane wrote..Random Smoking Thoughts #3
Matt’s hands down.
Sorry Matt, but I was laughing and choking on coffee at the same time.
Once upon a time, Nancy wrote..3rd Race at the Honeymoon is Over Downs
ROFLOL. They are CLASSIC!!!! I can see why you had such trouble choosing.
This was a great idea and I look forward to seeing where the t-shirt is headed next.
Thank you so much :)
matt. tears running down my face, kids rushing in thinking I’m having a heart attack…
Those are some FUNNY stories–they can’t make that shit up!
I will even vote for Matt, because that story made me shart again. Damn’t I have to go change again.
Yep. Gotta be Matt. I have a huge fear of this becoming a reality for me someday…
I voted for Matt, too. Whut?
i voted. i wasn’t told who to vote for. nope. no one told me who to vote for.
Wow, Mrs F has got the prize, hands down.
I HAD to go with Secret Agent Mama here. That is just plain hilarious. And the fact that it was on her honeymoon earns many, many extra points. I wonder if somewhere in the blogosphere there exists a post from a distraught highway construction worker called “Top 10 Worst Things I’ve Had to Pick Up From The Side Of the Road.”
Once upon a time, matt wrote..The Preemie Adventure - Jennifer
Loved them all, but find it hard to believe that everyone outed themselves in this way. Voted for the streaker.
Once upon a time, One Moms Opinion wrote..Governor Sarah Palin
Nope, can’t do it, can’t possibly choose. And I’m not even blond.
Once upon a time, Beth wrote..Owen, Month Seven
Damn, I had to vote for Matt, too. Laughed my ass off.
Once upon a time, Mutha wrote..Fairies and Angels
As a huge fan of slap-stick, I have to give my vote to Matt. That was hilarious. And he gave me yet another reason to NEVER run on a treadmill.
I didn’t read the comments before voting…apparently, I wasn’t the only one laughing hysterically at Matt. Sorry dude. Now you have to worry about the internet faces laughing at you too. That’s priceless. At least you could win a t-shirt for telling the story, right?
Once upon a time, Ashlie- MommyCosm wrote..9/11, Tinkerbell and the Easter Bunny
Yeah, I had to give it to Matt. (Something about a man who can make me laugh =/ )
While I thought Matt’s story was hilarious, it was Mrs F’s story that had me in tears I was laughing so hard. I could totally see myself doing something so ridiculous. Only a mother could be that distracted. :)
Once upon a time, Latte Mommy wrote..Love Is In the Air
I didn’t vote for it, but the lady on her honeymoon? I did that, too. Luckily I was all alone, in a VW van, and so no one knows. Knew. But what is it about marriage that deranges our elimination systems?
Matt’s had me rolling because of the failed “saving face” portion of the story. Dude, I would have walked away with head hung low at that point in time. Awesome!
KEEP BELIEVING
Once upon a time, Angie @ KEEP BELIEVING wrote..Two for one - depression AND vegetable gardening advice!!!
Matt, hands down. (Tho my hubby has been in S.A.M.’s spot before…)
I had to go with Matt. As already mentioned, he bit it TWICE.
IN A ROW !!
/points and laughs
dude. i’m at work and i just read matt’s and i laughed so hard i swear i almost peed myself!!!!!!!!!! jeez that would’ve been disaster! i would’ve had to ditch my underwear like DC Urban Dad!!!
oh mah lawd that was so frackin funny i think i pulled a muscle.
hahahahahahhahhahaaa
hhhhhhhaaaaaaahahahhhahhahahahahaaaaaaa
i should go to the gym more. up my chances of seeing someone fly off the ‘mill. or be one of the flyers myself.
Once upon a time, ms. changes pants while driving wrote..the teal cancer
This was the most difficult decision I made all day. My head hurts now.
Once upon a time, Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children wrote..The triumphant return of hump day
Despite my utter humiliation, Matt should get it…. at least I learned fast and didn’t repeat the semi-streak.
Yes, Matt’s story is funny. But seriously? Mrs F wins this hand (pants) down! It may be the difference between adoring the Three Stooges and empathizing with the panic that is new-motherhood, but I was laughing so hard I could hardly breathe over the Mrs F story, even while at the same time feeling sorry for her. It’s perfect. Really.
Once upon a time, MommyTime wrote..The Post Where this Blog Becomes a Stereotype
It was so very hard to pick. As a woman inclined to wrap 87 yards of TP around her feminine products, I had to pick Mutha.
I would have died a thousand deaths.
Once upon a time, Deeples wrote..Post #140. Well, really it’s 204. Not really that either.
Oh shit, those were good!
Once upon a time, Miss wrote..Holy Blogger Weekend Batman - Pt. 2
Maybe it’s just because I’m a man, or maybe it’s because I’ve been perilously close to meeting the same fate on the treadmill, but Matt’s had me in stitches.
Once upon a time, Alex wrote..Encounter
Oh my god, I totally now wish that I hadn’t popped out four kids because my bladder ain’t what she used to be and I laughed so hard at Matt’s that I now have a story to tell but it’s too late. That is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time!
Once upon a time, Kori wrote..I Have Decided….
I had to pick Matt because I had tears rolling down my face and I almost peed my pants!
Once upon a time, Becky wrote..Pieces and Parts
A Baby Bjorn and no pants! Priceless!
Once upon a time, Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy wrote..Wordless Wednesday #14 - The View at Happy Hour
Matt has to win, because I just about got myself fired from the loud laughing while reading his story, back here behind my cubicle screen. Funnay!
Oh, I had to vote for Mutha. That would be by far the most embarrassing for me!
Once upon a time, Linds wrote..I’m super busy…
Freaking fabulous! Awesome, awesome post.
I laughed so hard at Matt’s that I almost pulled a DCUrbanDad!
Once upon a time, Tootsie Farklepants wrote..If There is One More Meeting About It I Might Get Snarky. In Public.
PMSL! Thanks for the laugh!
Once upon a time, Jenty wrote..Tender moment between brothers
Those are just scary.
Once upon a time, Ree wrote..Seven Years Ago
I still can’t use pads to this day! :( I am from the South, shitting in a ditch is too commonplace to be embarassing! ;) HEE!
Once upon a time, Special K wrote..Cell Out Post Part 1
Those are all too funny. I about died reading them in the comments yesterday.
Once upon a time, Jaina wrote..Prayer Request
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