My Child and ADD

I’m not going to talk about the bailout, I’m not going to talk about the bailout, I’m not going to talk about the bailout…..

Today was parent teacher conferences at my kids’ school. 2of3 has a new(ish) teacher this year. His old grade 2-3 teacher went on maternity leave (we get one entire YEAR up here) and he should have just been placed in her replacement teacher’s room, but her replacement teacher just so happens to be my next door neighbor. He’s seen her in her jammies. She will not be his teacher this year; no way, no how.

He was placed in his grade 2 math teacher’s class, so she knows him, but only in the context of the one subject he loves. He is a great math student. He pays attention, he knuckles down, he excels. We were practicing algebra tonight, for fun, if that gives you a better picture of his beautiful little mind.

My kid doesn’t pay attention to anything else at all ever. Well, except for puzzles. He’s kind of a genius when it comes to puzzles. Like, enough that his preschool teacher pulled me aside one day and said, “Duuuuuude.” To which I said, “Tooooootally.”

Today, I sit down in my little 5″ chair and say, “So, I don’t have any concerns for you; whatcha got for me?” She says how he is a great little guy, how he’s really creative and clearly very smart, and then she winces a little and says, “But, um, errr, he’s not really so great at focusing?”

Yes, dude, I so know.

We talk for a while, and she asks about his history scholastically and at home, and I tell her about the tricks I attempt to use at home to help keep him on task. She tells me about her classroom strategies. She tells me how there are several kids in her class with this issue, and how it’s pretty common at his age, but that even though he is sweet as sugar, and never naughty per se, wow o’lordy is he ever disruptive.

I just nod and smile.

I ask her if he’s folding paper at his desk. I ask her if he is getting sidetracked by any little noise in the room. I ask her if he goes no more than 2 minutes at a stretch without talking to someone. Her eyes get kind of wide, and kind of relieved.

Yes, sister, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Yes, these are his standard flibberdygibbits. Welcome to every minute of my day.

I tell her that I am totally willing to implement any strategies at home that she may think will be helpful in order to reinforce classroom habits. I assure her I am on her side, and that I will work with her. I mention to her that I could actually use some help with him, because I was at the point just a few months ago where I was looking into getting him tested for either Einstein levels of genius or ADD.

She sort of choked a little. She said, no, she stuttered, “That was exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, but I didn’t think it was my place.”

My child is funny. My child is very smart. My child will charm the pants off you and your daughter someday. My child has a huge heart, and he knows right from wrong, and he is good. And no one will help me with him. He has a need for something that is greater than I can provide for him. Is that something medication? Only if you killed me, cremated my body, spread my ashes on the ground, stomped on them, put them in a prune tart, ate them, and pooped them out the next day. I have nothing against giving meds to children who truly need them, but I feel pretty confident I know what that looks like. He isn’t that. He needs tools. He needs training. He needs to understand that his brain is just wired awesomely, and that he needs to work with it, not against it.

More importantly maybe, I need tools. He is 8 1/2, pushing puberty, and this is going to affect his self-esteem, his image of himself as a learner and a member of his classroom, which is the closest thing to a community a kid has at that age. It is my job to guide him, to help him learn how to become a fabulous person. I taught him how to grab the stool and push it up to the bathroom counter when he was too short to reach on his own, I taught him that maybe his index finger is just too big to get up his nose, but look at how little that pinky is (Hey, kid’s gonna do it, might as well not give himself nosebleeds) and I need to help him work around this, too.

I don’t want my son to have ADD. I don’t want to know he does, I don’t want it in his “permanent record” and I don’t want him to have a label slapped on his forehead. But I do want him to have every resource available to him in order to get the very most out of his education. I want him to love school, to love learning, to cherish his years before fucking high school hits and the zits pop out. Right now, he does. Right now, his teachers are so swoony over him, with his tiny little stature and his big blue eyes that he is happy to bat at them, that they will bend over backwards to accommodate him. That’s not going to last forever.

So, for now, we are going to wait and see. We are doing this with the understanding that if he seems to need it, we may explore the option of having him tested for a few things. And though I am not excited in one small way about the idea of that, I am more relieved than I can tell you that someone finally saw what I have been seeing, that my little boy is just a little more, and she is willing to help me guide that in the best direction.

ShredderFeeder

Thursday, 25 September, 2008 at 20:49

We seriously resisted having Panic diagnosed. What will the label do? What will happen to him in school? Will it affect his peer interactions? his performance?

So far the only negative that’s happend is that his health-insurance doubled in cost. (Me being self-employed, I pay full price plus a surcharge)

Having the diagnoses opens up more doors than it closes. Depending on where you live and your school system (I do understand that the rules in the Great White North may be quite a bit different than here in backwards America) there are certain rules that apply to learning disabilities.

My son gets more time to perform tasks. He gets extra help getting from point A to point B. He’s pulled out of class from time to time for speech work and extra ‘autistic-type’ stuff.

I was afraid – afraid that the label would hurt him. But it’s helped him. The school has definitely gone the extra mile to make this work. I have no complaints, and this wouldn’t have happened without the label.

Once upon a time, ShredderFeeder wrote..Alien Visitors.

Gnilleps

Thursday, 25 September, 2008 at 20:52

PS. I always thought it was the Dems that were going to have me walking around saying “Hello Comrade” but here is my Grand Ole Party dipping their hands in the private sector… But lets not talk about the bail out…

Nicki

Thursday, 25 September, 2008 at 21:44

i got adhd like crazy and it ain’t all bad. your little guy might have it and he might not. Whether or not he does, the problem is probably that sitting still and listening to the teacher is hella boring and torturous to him. Is the teacher willing to make some accomodations for him, without actually pursuing a diagnosis just yet? By accomodations, I just mean make it a little easier for him to sit quietly. There are a lot of things that could help. She could allow him to draw pictures or doodle while he listens… a lot of kids, especially those WITH adhd, can focus better if they can stay busy with something else at the same time. Sucking on hard candies, like lemon drops or life savers, can also help. Or playing with a small toy, like a fidget ball. Basically anything to stimulate one of his other senses, while he listens. Also, can she give him breaks as rewards? Like, if he sits quietly for ten minutes and listens, he can get up and use the computer for five minutes?
If he does turn out to have ADHD, its not totally going to suck, because if he does have it he has it whether or not you know about it. Medication isn’t the only answer, but if you do seek a diagnosis right away, meds will probably be the FIRST suggestion you get wherever you turn. But did you know that there is a school in new York that has almost entirely adhd kids, and none of them are medicated at all? Its called the albany free school, I think. Look it up… it might give you some ideas on how to help your boy enjoy school and get more out of it.
Good luck! I love your blog!

BusyDad

Thursday, 25 September, 2008 at 21:47

I can’t compete with the lengthy comments people are leaving. I will tell you this. I surely had ADD as a child. Only back then they just called it “Jim is smart as hell but he goes off in a million directions and can’t keep his trap shut.” The official term back then was “rambunctious.” I still laugh at that to this day with my mom. Because she had to come home from my second grade teacher conference and ask ME what rambunctious meant.

Nowadays I have better coping mechanisms. They are called Twitter and Google reader.

Once upon a time, BusyDad wrote..Sorry Mom

Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy

Thursday, 25 September, 2008 at 21:56

Good for you for speaking up and good for the teacher for being willing to work with you. I think there’s something wrong with so many boys being diagnosed with ADD. Anyone watching my son for an afternoon might be convinced he’s ‘spirited.’ The boy has the attention span of a mosquito. Many people here have given great information. I hope some of it works for you and 2 of 3. Good luck!

Once upon a time, Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy wrote..On My Mind

mandy

Thursday, 25 September, 2008 at 23:12

As a high school teacher for a decade in the New Westminster school district (you’re somewhere in the lower Mainland, right?), I can say that I had a LOT of kids who came through my class identified as ADD and quite a few parents chose not to medicate. A decision I completely support since I think ADD and ADHD are over-diagnosed in our system anyway.

Sometimes it was a challenge, but most students learned their own special coping mechanisms. We happened to have a great “Support Services” group in our school where they provided lots of different strategies and options for kids. Your school should have something similar (or person(s) designated in that role). See what they can do to help 2of3 come up with some options. Best wishes.

(PS. I hope this doesn’t come across as “assvice”.)

Once upon a time, mandy wrote..Of Co-Ops and Parent Meetings

Dawn

Friday, 26 September, 2008 at 5:35

I want to say bravo to you for NOT just giving in and deciding drugs is what he needs. Our old neighbor had a smart troubled son…he was troubled because his parents were idiots (I am SO not saying that’s your problem) but they were told to put him on meds…then he was having trouble sleeping, so they put him on more meds…then he couldn’t wake up in the moring, so more meds…When, honestly, I just think he needed more support, love and attention, from his parents..And my DH had said as much to them about it…

What about one of those learning centers? Like Sylvan? I know that my DD is sooo much better at paying attention, and working through her problems at school, then at home…so I know she can do it…just not with me.

Good luck to you…I understand and feel your frustration…but thank you for not labeling him with ADD and taking the drug route.

Happy Hour Sue

Friday, 26 September, 2008 at 5:47

My stepson was put on ADD meds at 13 and it started a chain reaction that could have ended in tragedy. The ADD meds made him depressed. So they put him on anti-depressants, which made him suicidal. So they put him on “mood-stabilizers”…he had “psychological seizures’, overdosed on ibuprofen to “stop the bad thoughts” and spent 2 school years at a special school for kids who have psychological issues.

We took him off all meds, and now he is completely fine – a funny, happy 16 year old who’s not the best student – but so what.

Once upon a time, Happy Hour Sue wrote..PART 2: Fun With Play-Doh

tracey

Friday, 26 September, 2008 at 6:42

I SO understand. I didn’t want the labels either. Can’t they just provide the extra help based upon what we, as parents, already know??? FWIW, my son got a fancy label but has since matured to the point that we don’t draw attention to it or ask for IEPs. I just talk to the teachers and give my 2 cents on what works for my kid…

Once upon a time, tracey wrote..Just delicious, y’all…

apathy lounge

Friday, 26 September, 2008 at 8:01

What if his ability to focus every day in class got rewarded with time at a puzzle table? What if that could be used as a LURE? At some point he might be able to keep a tight hold on his tendencies to fidget because he was going to get the kind of freedom he needed as soon as he did what was required. Just wondering. I knew an artistic kid who was just like this. The teacher allowed him to go to the back and paint AFTER his work was finished. He’s an artist now and very successful. He credits her with some of that success.

Once upon a time, apathy lounge wrote..Everything I Know About Body Functions I Learned This Week in 2nd Grade

Audubon Ron

Friday, 26 September, 2008 at 8:34

Good topic. So much so I wrote you a big ole response. C-me.

Once upon a time, Audubon Ron wrote..ADD Weigh-In

Mayzie

Friday, 26 September, 2008 at 10:16

We have our first parent/teacher conference scheduled for this coming Wednesday – I’m scared (our oldest is in kindergarten). The mid-quarter note that came home said that they were working on his listening skills. When I questioned what that meant, she replied by saying that she often has to repeat instructions and just to make sure he has listened she has him repeat them back to her – he often can’t do this. She also said he plays with his clothes a lot (fidgets?). Of course, they are working on recognizing letters and counting to 100. He’s been able to do both for three years now – and I’ve told her as much. I’m guessing he’s just bored. Anyway, I’m sure we’re going to be having a similar discussion in a few days as you just had. Be sure to keep us updated on what’s going on.

Also, what tools are you using right now to keep him focused? Maybe I can start using them on my son too.

jamesotis

Friday, 26 September, 2008 at 12:02

Get ur lad a Nintendo DS/Lite. There are an amazing array of brain training programs available and probably algebra and fiendish puzzles.

Once upon a time, jamesotis wrote..Meme’d Moments

divacowgirl

Friday, 26 September, 2008 at 17:49

My youngest has ADHD. I hate labels. BUT….I can’t begin to tell you what a relief it was when he was diagnosed, because I seriously thought I was losing my mind. I was lucky enough to know a child psychologist that I had previously worked for and knew without a doubt he would never prescribe meds for my son unless they were absolutely necessary. He takes medication every day. Does he walk around tranquilized? No, not at all. He’s active and still a bit hyper.

It almost gets worse when they get older. Trying to teach a kid with ADHD how to juggle seven classes and homework just about killed me last year.

Hang in there. I recommend looking at the group CHADD. THere are a ton of helpful resources for parents on there.

Once upon a time, divacowgirl wrote..Are you there God, it’s me Diva.

Turtle

Friday, 26 September, 2008 at 18:11

When M started kindergarten his teacher suggested he be put on Ritalin. His grandparents, who had custody at the time, agreed and he was medicated through two point five years of school. Then he moved to Denver and was living with his mom who can’t get herself out of bed in the morning let alone keep her child properly medicated and we quietly encouraged her to stop the Ritalin. The problem was that he was a 2nd grader who didn’t know how to behave in the classroom since that’s what the teacher was solving by medication instead of some teaching. Luckily his 2nd grade teacher in Denver was F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S. and helped him through the worst of it. He was in middle school before he really figured out how to cope. Learned it, made those synapses, instead of depending on a drug to fill in the blanks for him.

I remember year after year of meeting the new teacher and having the delicate discussion of why M doesn’t always behave as well as he should in class. His mother called it his “problem” and spoke loudly about it in front of other kids. (And then wondered why he requested that only his dad and I accompany him one year.) He and I had more conversations than I can remember about techniques for staying on task and not getting distracted at inappropriate times (say, during a timed test). One teacher, 5th grade I think allowed him to work on the floor under his desk to stay focused. She was also fabulous, come to think of it.

I applaud your plan.

rebecca

Friday, 26 September, 2008 at 18:51

Oh, crap. I deleted my comment. That’s okay. I think I misspelled booger.

Nutshell, your kid sounds cool. He’s got things on his mind and so if your information doesn’t rate, he’ll get right back to his problem solving. Is he happy? Does he have buddies? Is he capable of learning? Then don’t worry about it. He’s a boy – an 8 YO boy. They aren’t all that pleasant. They stink, they think belching is funny, and they have no filters. Those sort of comments are more about the limitations of the person with the critique than the kid they’ve convinced themselves they are saving.

Yeah, it’s probably best the booger comment disappeared. It doesn’t reflect all too well on me.

Once upon a time, rebecca wrote..Identity Crisis

Kelliqua

Sunday, 28 September, 2008 at 12:08

Good for you, Mr. Lady.

Why have we all resorted to medication to “normalize” every circle pegged child to try to fit them into square shaped slots?

micki

Sunday, 28 September, 2008 at 14:47

This is a tough one because I am a teacher. The best thing to do if you want to avoid labels and medication is to homeschool or find a charter school. The staff most always pushes for meds and as a teacher, I want students on meds, as a parent, I do not. So what to choose? It is not fair to every other learner in the classroom is a student is disruptive. It is certainly not fair to us teachers, but it is not fair to your son that he is unable to concentrate. I have students like this, I love them dearly, they are most often my favorites. I have to accommodate them as best as I can, but I cannot do that without a school evaluation. It is the law. Labels do not hurt kids these days, it actually helps them get the accommodations they need, even in college. An employer will never see that label. If you are totally against evaluation, a smaller schools setting can accommodate for needs like your son’s. There are whole groups of home-schooling parents that teach their kids together so they still get socialization. I would also visit the Chadd website, it is invaluable.