Oct 08 2008
On Screwing Myself
So, yeah, there’s a picture of a trash bag on my blog. I’m sure you’re clicking away to a decent blog all, “WTF, yo? Are you too lazy to take your trash out?” Yes, not relevant, though. “Are you waiting for The Donor to take it out?” Double true, it’s a boy’s job, also not important right now.
I’ve been hanging on to that bag for almost a week now. I kept it in the trash can for as long as it would fit, and then sat it there and have stared at it for more nights than are appropriate.
See, I am a terrible mother. I have absolutely no follow-through with my kids. Now that they’re old enough to actually get right from wrong, now that they’ve had it proven to them that I am a mean old bitch when I have to be, now that I’m past those years of constant discipline and re-directing and explanation, I’ve just stopped doing any of those things at all ever.
(Yes, I am aware that there’s another small child still in the house. God help her husband.)
My 8 year old has taken up a new habit…roller-blading in the house. Which really doesn’t bother me all that much, except when it drives me absolutely bat-shit crazy. I have told that kid 8 million times to stop it. I have explained that the floors will scratch, and they’re stupid laminate wood that can’t really be fixed (asshole floors) and I have threatened him over and over and over with the eternal loss of, and possible damnation of, his dear roller-blades if he doesn’t knock that crap off already. But I haven’t actually done anything about it just yet.
So when he came skating out of the dining room last week with that “I’m so cute, and my gramma’s right there on the couch so you can’t kill me” look, my head exploded. But, well, gramma was right there, so I did the only thing I could that didn’t involved pea soup and/or pitchforks; I grabbed his shoulder and in my veryvery low, quiet voice, said, “Take them off and put them in the trash. NOW.”
Oh, the screaming. The weeping. The gnashing of teeth. He threw them out, ran to his room, screamed like a hellish banshee for exactly one hour, and then all was right with the world again. Except that I forgot about one little thing later that day.
Have you ever made your kid throw his favorite X out? The first rule of Trash Can Parenting: Take the thing OUT of the trash while they’re in their room freaking the fuck out. I totally forgot about the roller blades for two full days. That’s two days with no garbage disposal, two nights of a kid who still wears a diaper to bed, three filters full of coffee grinds (desperate times, yo).
By the time I remembered them, I was screwed. If I dig them out, I’ll A) puke, B) have to sanitize them every day while he’s at school for the next decade and C) puke. They were old anyway; he could use a new pair, for sure. But it worked; he got my point. AND he said he was saving up for a new pair already, which mean he’s got a work ethic and I can MAKE HIM DO MORE CHORES.
If I don’t dig them out, I’ll have to buy another goddamn pair of stupid roller-blades. Why on EARTH would I drop $100 when I could spend $5 on vinegar and Lysol? Besides, the point has been made. I can’t go back now or the kid will realize I’ve pulled them out of the trash, and he’s just old enough to never forget that, hence losing me my most awesome discipline strategy ever.
And so, there the bag sits night after night as I negotiate with it. Thankfully, I’m sort of getting used to the smell. Maybe he’ll just see them through the bag and grab them when I’m “not looking”, or maybe someone could just come over and throw it out for me? I am clearly too cheap to do it myself.
Comments close after 5 days. Because Spam sucks. 60 Comments to “On Screwing Myself”
I’ll come throw ‘em out for you.
I flipped out on my kids today. It’s really hard to piss me off, but they were overachievers today. My head exploded.
Once upon a time, dysfunctional mom wrote..If You Give a Kid a Camera…
Really? So we’re not supposed to actually throw OUT the toy? I’ll cut back on that, then. Specifically, throwing them out in public trash cans where I cannot retrieve them without looking like I fit a little too well into my neighbourhood.
Once upon a time, Zoeyjane wrote..On seeking, but not finding.
awesome followthrough, mom.
except for the whole garbage bag full of actual garbage…..
Once upon a time, the planet of janet wrote..I think I have lost my mind
I am impressed.
I tried to do the follow through when I threw out Moo’s favourite doll cause she constantly left it on the floor for me to trip over. But I cried harder than her. And she deigned to let me get it out of the trash.
Shuttup. I was pregnant.
Once upon a time, Kelley wrote..Bathing with a bloggers husband. Not likely.
What? No one told me that you don’t throw the toy out?!?!?!?
I always throw the toy out, except for the few hundred I have stored in the garage because I couldn’t throw them out. What? Alot of thought went into buying those toys.
Once upon a time, tiff wrote..It’s the little things.
I LOVE that you threw them out . . . and I might have too, the roller blading inside would have eventually driven me nuts. I have yet to really throw something out - but I know I should and must for them to take me seriously. I think I’m ready to get on board the throw-it-out train. It’s time. But good for you - sounds like he might just be learning several valuable lessons here :-)
Once upon a time, Shannon wrote..I Don’t Need You, Mommy
Throw them out. It’s good for both of you. Awesome that they are really in there with real garbage. He’s about to outgrow them anyway.
We kept telling our kiddo that if he left his toys in the living room they would be thrown out. We didn’t follow through. Bad mom and dad. Then we got a puppy. She handled the follow through perfectly.
Once upon a time, Jennifer wrote..Can’t Say I Blame The Guy
Throw them out - none of the kids will ever mess with you again! That said, I could never manage it and would be ferreting through that rubbish bag right now.
I throw things away all the time.
And when they ask for new ones, I tell them to clean the bathroom
I haven’t had to get new anything yet.
Once upon a time, MomBabe wrote..Ghost Story
My dad used to do the fake “If you don’t clean your room I’ll come in their with a trash bag.”
One day I called his bluff. He came in, threw everything on the floor in a giant hefty-bag, and hauled it out.
The hilarious part is that the next morning I had to tell him I didn’t have any clothes for school, as they were all *gasp* on the floor. He doesn’t even bother trying to hide it. Goes in the garage, opens a suspiciously familiar trash bag, and pulls out my school clothes.
I owned him for the rest of my pre-pubescent years.
Once upon a time, ShredderFeeder wrote..Tolerance
I have a friend whose son was driving him nuts. After repeated warnings to stop brushing his toes with his toothbrush, dad grabbed the toothbrush, broke it in half and threw it away. Son has not questioned him in the 2 years since.
Let the skates go.
Once upon a time, RobMonroe wrote..The Importance of a Single Doctor
Forgot to mention that then I did the EXACT same thing to my kid. You must go through a mind-wipe when you become a parent. Because you seem to forget all of the things that didn’t work on you.
Once upon a time, ShredderFeeder wrote..Tolerance
Keep them in the trash, toss them, and if he wants more he’s going to have to earn the money for them. If you just buy him more or save them from the trash, he only learns that eventually you’ll cave.
I always took the things out of the trash and then put it away into a “safe place” You know about “safe places”? They end up being so safe, you can’t remember where they are? I recently found some Star Wars figures that I “threw out” when my son was 7 in one of those safe places. He will be 18 tomorrow. He was glad to have them back.
I need to clean out closets and drawers more than once every 11 years.
I don’t recommend hiding the trash in the closet for 11 years though, maybe the garage.
Once upon a time, Chris O wrote..Saving your Thoughts
I’ll throw them out for you! I love throwing stuff out, especially if it makes a point. I haven’t had to do that yet with my daughter, but the day is quickly approaching. Bwa-ha-ha.
Once upon a time, Darcie wrote..Did he really just say that?
You know I’m all over here preaching recycle and reuse and all that but when it comes to doing things on principle, I think you are granted a few pardons here and there. Just do it. Do it fast. Don’t look back.
Oh and if your amazingly repentant child keeps up with the good work, offer to go halvsies with him on a new pair when the snow melts next year or some kind gesture like that.
Keep rocking.
Once upon a time, Marge wrote..Simply Amazing
HA! Totally had me cracking up. I say keep ‘em in there, and do a 401K-type plan with what he’s saving up for his own rollerblades. That way you can teach him about 401Ks AND cut on cost. win-win!
Once upon a time, thedemigod wrote..The Icing on my Endorphin Cake from Yesterday
I would so come throw ‘em out for ya, if I didn’t need a passport, a week and $3,000 in gas money to do so.
Stick to your guns. No guilt. He made a choice and you sooooo don’t HAVE to buy him a new pair. He can buy his own or he can go without. No child ever died of ‘My Mom didn’t buy me roller bladesitis”
Good for you, now have a drink and take a deep breath. You can do this.
Once upon a time, Weaselmomma wrote..And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor
Dude…Throw them out. We usually take things away and they go into the garage and they have to earn them back, but I did throw away two things last week. Their rooms have been cleaner lately go figure.
Once upon a time, KD @ A Bit Squirrelly wrote..Hi Headache? We need to talk.
Toss them and make him earn his new pair. It only works if you follow through. Your almost there. Just a little, tiny trip to the curb.
Once upon a time, Jim wrote..Guest Posting
Give them to a neighbour kid he hates.
How fun, and well, cruel would that be….
Once upon a time, Xbox4NappyRash wrote..Quod erat demonstrandum
Toss ‘em. When he has enough money to pay for new ones you can be damn sure he will listen and NOT roller blade in the house. :)
Once upon a time, abunslife wrote..In Case You Missed It….
Ah, the old throw them away but get them out again later trick. I haven’t had a chance to use this one yet, but I’m always ready…and thanks to you, I will learn from this and make sure to get X out before the diapers and garbage go on top! Blech.
Oh, and I would totally not be able to get them out of there. Time for him to earn some new ones!! :)
Once upon a time, pgoodness wrote..Fondue & Orchard lovin
That’s so funny- I do it all the time! I’m so cheap and can’t stand to waste anything! My kids have figured me out that my threats are just pretend- it sucks when they get smarter than you! I would totally pull them out of the trash- maybe make the kid clean them!
Once upon a time, tenakim wrote..A Pretty Smile is Very Important
There are two kinds of people who latch onto the term “precedent”: kids and lawyers. Buckle once, and it might as well be inked in a law book. I know, my kid has volumes of precedents in his little 6 year old head, ready to be applied (properly most of the time which sucks for me) in times of ambiguity. This would be one bitch of a precedent. Toss em!
Once upon a time, BusyDad wrote..I’m Smarter Than a First Grader
Harden your heart; I had to. Come on-if you give in now-even to buying him another pair that he needs, you are totally going to be the pussy of parenting. Totally. Make him earn the new ones EVEN IF you know you are going to bend. Offer to pay for half. Or hey-buy them outright, give them to him, and then make him do 30 days of extra chores. Really. Do NOT get them out of the trash. Because then you’ll have to blog about it and I will puke. Just saying.
Once upon a time, Kori wrote..Am I Really As Crazy as I THINK I Am?
Don’t say “throw away”. Say “They’re mine now. Fork ‘em over.” Or something similar. And then? THEN they BELONG to you. And he has to totally earn them back without you having to ever pay another cent. I’d place them on a shelf where he can see them. Every day, how sad he’ll be to see his roller blades and not be able to use them. And just think of all of the Chores you can give him to have him earn them back!!!
Giddy giggles over freebie chores over here….
Once upon a time, tracey wrote..Embarrassing Truths
Stick to your guns. And really, if he needs new ones, you could always let Santa save the day. I mean my kids like Santa way better than me anyway, he gets them all the cool stuff.
Once upon a time, amy wrote..4 little witches
When I was around Kindergarten age, my mother got tired of me leaving my fabulous, expensive, not even near grown out of yet winter coat on the floor and put it in the trash to teach me a lesson. But you know Denver weather - we didn’t notice it was missing until after trash day. Oops.
I’m joining the general consensus. I, too, am a saver, but for heaven’s sake, throw them out. You don’t have to spend $100 on a new pair. Roller blades are not a necessity and he can earn them his own itty-bitty self… and appreciate them. You’re MIL HAD to be impressed with that move. Good on you!
Once upon a time, Fawn wrote..This blog is going down the…
Oh man I would have done the same thing. Completely with the forgetting and poop and whatnot.
I am freaking rolling.
I just did that with that stupid pink leapster handheld and forgot to take it out! then hubs dirty diapered it and put it in the green trashcan.
Dude, it’s gone.
Shit! THank you for helping me to realize I’m not the only one.
Once upon a time, Rachel wrote..Texican Hash: Mouthwatering Monday
I think that’s actually worse than washing diapers in the washing machine. I’m with @Amy…use this to your advantage and be able to get him a new pair but on your terms.
Once upon a time, Tyler @ Building Camelot wrote..10 Things I Love About My Wife (Part 6)
Dear Mr. Lady,
I visit you on occasion but I need to add you to my daily read because you’re hilarious enough to have that status.
Anyhow: Jesus loves you MADE IN CHINA:
Check THIS out:
http://www.orientaltrading.com/ui/browse/processRequest.do?demandPrefix=12&sku=36/1973&mode=Searching&erec=0&D=jesus&Ntt=jesus&Ntk=all&Dx=mode%2bmatchallpartial&Ntx=mode%2bmatchallpartial&y=20&N=0&requestURI=processProductsCatalog&x=27&sd=Talking+Jesus+Doll
:)
Once upon a time, jessica wrote..Maia
I think you did the right thing, I would have lost it too! As for throwing out the toy….whats done is done, you could walk away both learning a lesson! for you, don’t actually throw the toy out; for your son, he will think twice before screwing with you again, plus buying his own pair is not a bad idea. A lot of kids lack responsibilty, way to go! I have recently packed up many of my tots toys while she was sleeping, and she doesn’t even miss them!
Peace out sourkraut
Oh, don’t back down! It’s so awesome that you followed through, he’s learning something really important! Just take a deep breath, and get the Donor to take the bag out to the trash. ;)
Once upon a time, Linds wrote..Busy day!
When my parents said they were throwing the toy out, it meant they were throwing the toy out. Which is why they only had to do it like, once. (Ditto for spankings. I quite literally only received one, because I wholeheartedly believed them after that.) Yay for being a hardass, however accidentally!
OK…I’ll go against the grain. Take em out and give em back to him. They’ve been there for a week, right? That is totally disgusting, man! You think he doesn’t know you’ll eventually buy him a brand spanking new pair complete with the kung fu grip?.
THEN, you take the money that you had already spent in your mind for new roller blades and go out and get yourself something nice. Maybe a new scent. And one for the counter lady. Two scents.
Oh, I DID forget to add that when he’s sleeping you should take them out front and make sure that the diapers and coffee and whatnot are all seriously ground in. That way you can tell him “I think you’ve learned your lesson. Go get them out yourself.” Wearing poopie blades is way worse than not having any at all.
Once upon a time, Matt wrote..Healing
Throw that bag of trash away before you get bugs woman. And DO NOT take those blades out. For the love of all that is holy. Seriously. Kid will own you. And will probably teach the other spawn how he did it.
And am I the ONLY one that was seriously mislead by the title of this post, and therefore completely disapointed???
Once upon a time, Miss wrote..Please! Don’t act like you didn’t know…
I love this story!
Leave them in there. If he’s saving up, make him earn at least part of the money to go towards a new pair. And aren’t his feet going to grow soon anyway, so he would have needed a new pair?
Tell him you’ll make a deal with him. He only has to pay for the roller blades which are much cheaper than the flooring that he scratched up.
Once upon a time, Kristabella wrote..Best Present Ever
Toss ‘em. Grandma is probably planning to buy him a new pair for Christmas anyway…
Love this one. You feel guilty because you followed through and then, you forgot to rescue them. You could make him a deal, make him earn half the money and offer to chip in the rest. I guarantee he learned his lesson and will never do that one again and seeing you in action probably rubbed off on the other two not to mess with Mom.
Once upon a time, One Mom’s Opinion wrote..VP Debate
You can do it!!! Trash them, and then go get a pedicure or something like that. ;)
Once upon a time, Jaina wrote..Stalling
take them out, wrap them up, give them back for Christmas. because dude i did that!
Once upon a time, ms picket to you wrote..Half In, Half Out
Toss ‘em. Preferably before I get there on Monday, ok? I have a sensitive smeller these days. ;)
Once upon a time, Latte Mommy wrote..The Vacation Correlation
Hilarious!
I have launched toys from windows, flung them onto the lawn, chucked into the garbage… and the little man still rolls all over me.. hopefully it will work better when he is eight.. at least then he can take the garbage out.. because that is SUCH a boys job..
Once upon a time, Kim wrote..Hi, My name is Kim. I am NOT Perfect.
See those guns over there? Stick to them! Take the trash out.
Once upon a time, Melanie @ MelADramatic Mommy wrote..(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: Look at Those Lashes!
Sacrificial Barbie
OOOH I like this one, I believe that sometimes you just have to take a stand, for instance when I ripped Barbie’s Head off. I was absolutely tired of Barbie and her dream house and her party van and all her clothes and shoes laying around the house. I warned my daughter that I would throw Barbie, her friends and all her junk out. If a plastic toy has more clothes on the floor than me, something is wrong, plus those little shoes and accessories hurt my feel when I stepped on them in barefeet. Finally, in total frustration, I just ripped of Barbie’s head, threw IT in the trash and gave the rest of the doll to my daughter. This happened when she was 7-8. She has totally believed me ever since. She is now 13 and when I say I am headed for her room with a trash bag, she beats me there and cleans up. Sorry Barbie, you were a necessary sacrifice…
Once upon a time, micki wrote..Piano Lessons Paying Off
Make him dig them out…then let him know that next time…it won’t be so “plesant”.
If you can’t bear to pitch a perfectly good pair of roller blades, then do this: make HIM fish them out of the trash, sanitize them, and find a good place to donate them to a child needier than himself. For doing this, you might give him a small contribution (say, $10) towards his “2of3 Needs New Blades Fund,” and tell him the other $90 will have to be earned by him before he gets new ones. Or give him nothing. Your choice. Punishment stands. No waste. Lesson learned: Mom is a hard-ass for all eternity, so don’t mess with her.
Once upon a time, MommyTime wrote..Dear Senator Obama,
Okay so I agree that you really need to throw them away. I recently told my daughter after many, many days of being silent about her filthy playroom (yeah we have too many rooms and too many toys) that if it wasn’t clean by Monday I was throwing away everything on the floor. Yeah my mouth totally spoke before I realized how much shit I was gonna have to trash. So she tried in her little piddling way to clean and yet not clean to see if I would bale her out. I threw away (not goodwill) 8 full 33 gal. trashbags of general crap that was on her floor. Now I don’t know if it’s a simple lack of stuff or actual trying on her part, but there isn’t anything on her floor anymore. Follow through is key! Plus as someone already said Grandma’s probably gonna buy him a new pair for Christmas anyway.
Once upon a time, daisy wrote..Hey y’all I’ze smart!
I totally have to bury ANYTHING I throw away and get rid of the evidence IMMEDIATELY. Declan knows me too well and goes looking for his crap by now.
Once upon a time, Aimee Greeblemonkey wrote..Speaking of Books
Do it! Throw them out. The diapers alone would make me puke. But more important, this is the best lesson on follow-through for him and you. I’ll contribute $5 to the new rollerblade fund if you do it.
Once upon a time, Missives From Suburbia wrote..Welcome To the Sorority
My penny-pinching hear would have a hard time letting them go, but really $100 is a small price to pay if he learns you mean what you say. Plus if he saves up his money to contribute to the new pair, he’ll appreciate them so much more (in theory.) I really like MommyTime’s idea too.
Once upon a time, louannmcc wrote..I think my son
EWWWW! I would not be able to dig them out. Ever.
I would ralph. I threw some raw chicken in the trash the other day (a new bag) and forgot about it and OMG two days later? It smelled so damn bad. I was gagging.
Oh my god - I love it! We aren’t at this stage yet at my house - but I know those days will come before I know it!
Thanks for the laugh!
And that’s why they go in the outside trash around here. I did that several weeks ago w/ Sylvia - she cried for a good hour, and then I stopped having problems with her for about a month!
Once upon a time, April wrote..No Men
I didn’t read through all the comments but has anyone suggested that you put a new trash bag under the full bag, pulled up closest to the height of the roller blades in the old bag, cut through the old bag and pull the roller blades out while catching any trash that hangs on for the ride in the new bag, then once the rollerblades are retrieved, pull the new bag entirely over the old bag and take that stinking mess to the bin?
Then, you can wait and see if he comes up with the money for new rollerblades, and then you can hock his old ones at a yard sale or something.
But I have to say, I like the lesson he’s learning if you keep them in the trash.
Once upon a time, Shutter Bitch wrote..Spongebob Squarepants and the Case of the Vehicle Whore
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