Oct 09 2008
Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts of Traal Make Bad Parents
Last week, I received a few emails from some people who took issue with my birthday post to my daughter. I believe their point was that I was, oh, full of myself and a wretched excuse for a human being who doesn’t deserve her children, or something like that.
Why? Because I stated that I wasn’t too sure about having a girl when I got one.
Now, I could take issue with that and be all pissy and defensive, or I could just realize that most of you have better things to do with your time than read through 3 1/2 years of archives to figure out what the hell I’m talking about, and in all fairness, I can almost see their point. Starting the Happy Birthday post with “Yeah, not so excited at first” could come off as the slightest bit horrendous, I guess, if you don’t know the history (and you don’t bother to read the rest of the post. Bygones.)
So maybe I should cover that history for a second. Just a second, I swear.
See, here’s the thing. My family has dark, dusty storage lockers rented out all over the East Coast full of skeletons. Everything is hidden. I didn’t even know my mother’s actual, legal maiden name until I tried to get a Social Security Card when I was 17 and the girl at the counter felt badly enough for me for clearly knowing none of my family history that she told me.
Growing up, I knew that my mom’s mom was abusive and the slightest bit nuts, I knew that my father’s mom and sister had some issues with substances and sanity, but I never knew details. No one knew details. No one talked about anything. My whole family tripped through life with a bag over their head, hoping that if they just didn’t acknowledge anything at all, it would all magically go away.
No one ever sat me down and explained that mental illness, severe mental illness, is swarming in my gene pool. No one ever told me what drugs were, let alone that we’re all freakishly predisposed to addiction. No one utter the words “child abuse” or “substance abuse.” The word “sex” was never spoken in my house. All we knew is that private parts were dirty, that god wants parents to beat their kids, and that those kids need to shut up and pray.
So when it all fell apart, none of us knew why or what to do about it. I used to have teachers come up to me and ask direct questions about my home life, and it never even occurred to me to talk about any of it, because I just thought no one talked about those things. I just thought that was everyone’s life. I didn’t get it that normal people do talk about these things, and that my life wasn’t normal.
It took me a long time and a long series of breakdowns and some self-mutilation to work through everything once I left home. It took hours in darkness, mulling over blurry memories, piecing stories together, writing about it and talking through it before I realized that I was at the bottom of a long, twisted spiral of DNA gone haywire. I thank the flying spaghetti monster every day that I was at least given the intelligence to be able to see these things and make sense of them in the end.
What if I hadn’t been able to sort it all out? What if I had just once cut deep enough, when that was the only coping tool I had at my disposal, and I’d never figured it out? What if I’d never really learned that nothing that happened to me had anything to do with me, just with my situation and with the brain chemistry of my relatives? I probably wouldn’t still be here, that’s what.
Now, I got really lucky in that my family’s particular brand of nutsosity has seemed to lay off me for the time being. Usually, it hits hard right after you have your first girl. I’m three years in and still don’t think I can see the molecules coming out of the thermostat. I’ve never once called a priest to inquire about and exorcism for my daughter. (Though, honestly, I can almost see the reasoning behind that one.) (Kidding.) (Maybe.) I’ve never wanted to beat her until she bled, I’ve never once felt like all my problems are her fault, when her father and I split up, it never occurred to me to try to beat her father out of her.
I think I’m in the clear, here.
But what if she’s not.
What if she grows up, has a baby, and all of this starts for her? What if I fuck up royally sometime in the next 15 years and she can’t understand why? What happens if she grows up thinking that her mom had it so easy, and that all women naturally take to parenting, and then she has her own children and struggles like I did 8 years before she came, when she couldn’t have seen it or known about it?
What fucking good is keeping my past a secret going to do for her? None. But it might really help her to know someday. She might need that information. She might need to know that it’s okay to be afraid to be a mother, to be so humbled by the awesome responsibility of bringing up a child that you are terrified of doing it poorly. She might need to realize that her mother is so very fallible, but fighting every day to be better than she thinks she can be.
I just want all of my kids to participate in their childhoods. I want them to know that alcoholism and drug addiction runs rampant on both sides of their family, that mental illness is right there in the corner watching them, and that I KNOW those things. I think it’s important that they know about the limitations they may possess; that maybe drinking isn’t a hot idea for them, and that taking uppers is WAY OUT, and that the second they feel like they’re slipping, mom is going to be there to catch them. I don’t want big, dark secrets. I want my children to know me, to know where I came from, to trust me and come to me when they need to. I want them to know I won’t bullshit them, and I won’t pacify them, that I will believe them and can probably relate to them when and if the time comes. I want them to know that I love them so much, I’ll tell them things I don’t like to talk about anymore, because it’s important that they know.
So, if that means that I have to tell them that I was scared shitless every time I saw that + on the stick, then so be it. Because maybe they’ll be scared shitless, too, when they see their first +, and at least they’ll know they’re not alone.
Comments close after 14 days. And there's Captcha if you're nasty. 80 Comments to “Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts of Traal Make Bad Parents”
You didn’t owe anyone this explanation, but I hope you feel better. I hope that your knowledge and power save yourself and your daughter from being a victim to the illness.
Once upon a time, dysfunctional mom wrote..Thankful Thursday
last two paragraphs are brilliant.
it really can be that simple.
Once upon a time, Xbox4NappyRash wrote..Quod erat demonstrandum
Wow,
What an amazing post. I have just recently found your blog and I’ve enjoyed it. I even read the birthday post you speak of but must have glazed over the controversial part because it didn’t seem all that bad to me. Maybe it’s because I’ve been scared shitless, too. Thanks for sharing your past. The second was worth it.
Once upon a time, Kool Aid wrote..dominion
Ok…by your own acceptance of what was in the past…and acknowledging it, you have already given your kids a better chance than you had.
Shame on anyone for making judgements when they can’t possibly know or understand all that is involved…I curse my dd regularly…but I love her with a passion that I can hardly understand.
You hit it all on the head with your last two paragraphs…I wish I could give you a hug…but what I can tell you is that you can keep going, and know that I know that what you come from is NOT what you will pass on…at least not all of it.
You are an incredible person. Your children are so lucky to have you as their mother and I am sure they will love reading all of these love notes.
Hey Lady! How do I get to the titty bar level in Vice City? Peace, Mike.
P.S. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.
Our daughter will know more about her past than I ever did. My family does not talk about things until there is no other choice. One spring break, while living with my dad, I had surgery on my foot. I forgot to tell my mom (assumed that dad would mention such a thing, really) until after the fact. She wasn’t at all surprised.
I was surprised and almost offended to find out that my mom had MS for three years before telling me. I was not a child, either, when she found out. It just never occured to her to tell me.
My daughter will know every single detail that we can come up with about our family. I can not see her go through what we have gone through.
(And you are right to have been scared to have a child. Everyone should be, it’s not to be taken lightly.)
Once upon a time, RobMonroe wrote..Wordless Wednesday
This was a great post. I agree, you didn’t owe anybody an explanation: Frankly, you can have whatever feelings you want. This is America.
Oh yeah, you live in Canada. But you’re American! (and I don’t recall hearing that Canada is putting restrictions on their citizens’ thoughts and feelings lately…)
Age-appropriate honesty is, I agree, the best way to raise a child and make them feel safe. xoxo
Once upon a time, Melisa wrote..Roxie May Let Him Have One of Her Milkbones, Since It’s His Day.
I thought your birthday post to your daughter was awesome and beautiful. So what if you had doubts? So what if you weren’t excited? You obviously adore her and she is a happy, healthy, beautiful little girl. My youngest is 2 and I also wasn’t excited and had a multitude of doubts which I just discussed on her birthday post. I didn’t have the valid reasons for doubts that you do but much like you, I got over it and can’t imagine life any other way. I think you are amazing!
Once upon a time, Kate wrote..Abby the Explorer
THAT was perfect. What’s the use in having a blog if you’re not going to be honest? Honest with yourself and honest for your children.
And, truth be told, MOST women(IMHO), no matter how excited they are, are petrified of being a mother. At least for a period of time. But not everyone admits to it.
Once upon a time, tracey wrote..It’s not lying, it’s Resourceful Parenting.
Hi. I’m a drunk. (Hi Drunk!) I don’t drink any more, but boooy was I one. All throughout my late teens until I fell into a puddle of red wine at 32 wondering where all my hope had gone.
Turns out that my mom was one, too. Interesting piece of information to learn…when you’re entering rehab in your thirties. Would have been *much* more useful, say, when the first signs of abuse started, about a decade before. But not in my family. We make sure not to talk about the messy stuff cause when you do, you get some on you.
I read this post and thought, wow…what would it be like to read my mother’s journal from when she was my age. You see, she’s gone now, and has been for many years. So I can’t just *ask* her what it was like scraping through the dark for her own version of normal. Instead I have to piece it together on my own.
What you’re doing is right. Don’t stop. One day it will be a gift.
Listen, you don’t owe ANYONE any explanations. When we found out our son was going to be a boy, we both cried. And then we got over it and it’s been great. But we were disappointed at first and had to work through that. And while we all have skeletons in our closet (mine = abuse, alcoholism), it’s what we DO with that knowledge that makes us who we are today.
Korny, with a K. But true.
I’m not going to be flippant and say that “oh, everything is going to be OK, tra la la.” You and your daughter will probably always struggle against your DNA demons. But since you are LOOKING at them, I hope they will be less potent for you and more easily managed.
Once upon a time, moo wrote..ugh, moral (money, music) dilemma
Love the Hitchhiker’s Guide reference. :)
Your choice to let go of the secrecy is going to make all the difference for your kids. I haven’t been reading for that long, but it’s clear to me that you are fantastically brave and you are taking the steps needed to break the cycle you were born into. I think it’s really important to be honest with kids, especially about such important family history involving mental illness, substance and other kinds of abuse. My kids have been born into a legacy of depression and I want them to be prepared. I hope to God they’ll never have to deal with it. But I’d rather they know what to look for, know how to go about getting help, and most of all, know their mama has their back.
Once upon a time, Shannon wrote..Not That It Happened To Me Monday: The Photos With Strangers Edition
So much of your story is familiar to me. And my daughter is almost 3. Her *insert your favourite expletive here* father is long gone.
And I’m still scared shitless.
Genetics aside, the most amazing thing to realize is that because you came to clarity about your family history it breaks the cycle. I, also, can’t even comprehend being capable of doing to my daughter things that I experienced growing up. And that’s a good thing.
Your baby will be fine when she’s grown. Since you aren’t repeating those things with her, she’ll have a different foundation. I guess we’ll give our kids different things to go to therapy over! :)
But seriously, you are doing great. Consciousness is the answer, and it sounds like you have that down. I believe consciousness is stronger than genetic pre-disposition. Trust yourself and know that you are at all times doing your best with the knowledge and resources you have.
Once upon a time, jessica wrote..Prayers for Annika
Excellently put.
Once upon a time, Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas wrote..Wordless Wednesday - Autumn Days
you? are a fucking brilliant person. your children are SO. FREAKIN’. LUCKY. to have a mother like you.
and anyone who says differently? screw ‘em. they’re not worth your time anyway.
(you made me cry, btw. you are THAT strong.)
Once upon a time, Lo. wrote..okay. i lied.
First of all, can you adopt me? and second, thank you. thank you for your honesty, for sharing your struggles so those who find familiarity in your words know that it does get better and everything will someday be ok. Like you said at another time, we have got to meet. I have so many things that I would like to have the chance to ask you.
Once upon a time, perksofbeingme wrote..She’s a southern girl who loves her pearls.
No need to explain, but thank you anyway. It may be a hard topic to cover, but you should. My family has a long history of ovarian cancer. If I had a daughter, I’d tell her to make sure she had a long and healthy life. I don’t see much difference here.
Once upon a time, Jim wrote..Fine, I’ll do it
Huh-I didn’t see anything at all wrong with the birthday post.
I was also terrified when that second line appeared so clearly. I’ve never even liked kids. I didn’t want one. Ever. Terrified that one day i would have to explain that my father beat my brother but treated me like a princess and so that’s why your uncle is an alcoholic and a leech on society.
I looked down at the precious infant on my first day home with him alone and cried my eyes out. Not post-partum. I was terrified that I would be a terrible mother. I was convinced that I had already let him down in life. Here was this perfect little guy completely dependent on a far from perfect mom. I worried that one day the crazy thoughts I had always pushed to the back of my mind would come out.
He’ll be 10 this year. Sometimes I’m still scared. I’ve made more than my share of mistakes, but at least they are new ones and not repeats of the ones my parents made.
And what is it about your blog that makes me unload secrets that I’ve not told other people?
You’re doing it. You’re doing that thing that our parents couldn’t do. You’re breaking the cycle. And I love you so very much for it (for you it harder than anyone else I know). There are a lot of us in this generation (just read all those comments) who are breaking a lot of cycles and starting new healthy ones. I tell my kid often that if the only thing I pass on to his is good honest parenting skills then I’ve succeeded. And so have you.
All my love to you.
Once upon a time, Marge wrote..Liquid Assets
Meh, those people are the same kind of people who go to sites and talk about what horrible mothers A-list bloggers are. Consider yourself A-list :)
Most of us have been reading your blog long enough to know that your love for ALL of your children runs deep, but for those who don’t, this is a more than sufficient explanation for WHY you were apprehensive.
And congratulations on breaking the mold. I am sure with your guidance, your daughter will do just fine.
Ugh, some people are so lame. I also saw nothing wrong with the birthday post and, in fact, thought it was pretty awesome…
Once upon a time, Summer wrote..Knife to meet you
I absolutely loved your birthday post! In fact, I sent it over to my dil who just had our first grandchild, a girl. How you put your feelings touched me incredibly. Keep your head up and one eye on the DNA.
Once upon a time, Lorna wrote..Puntin
A friend of mine who lost both of her parents when she was young, was terrified she would have a daughter. She didn’t know how to raise one, she said. I think fear of the unknown is natural and bravo for you for saying it out loud.
You rock.
Listen here Wiskey.
You are, my dear, to be NOTHING but commended for what you have said and done. These people piss me off to no end !!!! I am pissed off for you. Just like Mike above says ‘fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke’. Jesus Christ. (sorry, i don’t usually cus this often)
Anyhow, you are so not full of yourself, a person like you has a better chance of actually making a change in the world and more importantly in the life of your little because of your experiences.
We, or most of us moms, would simply be fooling ourselves if we didn’t have that moment, that month, or those dreaded years of sheer panic, when we heard we were pregnant … let alone hearing that we were having a sex that we are worried we will not know what the hell to do with, how to care of them etc etc.
You are correct, this person did not take the time to read through the 3 plus years of blogs to take a look at your life, see where you have come from and where you are headed. Nor did I, I am afraid to admit but I took your comments as genuine. That you understand where you came from and also understand completely where you are headed.
Jesus people. Give it a rest.
AND you’re absolutely correct. Why hide these things? When will it be okay to say - I am sick and need help. At this moment, I am looking at an article entitled ‘out of the shadows’. I have really never understood why ‘it’ (see, even I can’t say it) was in the shadows in the first place? Who are we kidding?
It’s people like you who can really make a difference. Rest assured, you have made a different to me, your kids, hubby and to so many others out there that you would not even be aware of.
You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Keep it up Whiskey!
And for the record, in some ways I can understand people who don’t understand this or are perhaps uncomfortable with it. But get over yourself. Walk it off.
Once upon a time, raino wrote..Am I sick?
Yep.
Once upon a time, Kori wrote..Carrying the Message
This is a fantastic post. You don’t owe it to anyone but your children to explain the things you just explained here — but you are obviously planning on doing that when they’re old enough, which makes you 100,000 times the parent you ever had growing up. You are strong and super super smart about what good parenting means. And if the haters don’t like it, well, they’re in luck: they aren’t your children.
All my love,
a mommy who wants to be like you.
Once upon a time, MommyTime wrote..Dear Senator Obama,
What an excellent piece of writing.
Once upon a time, Donna W wrote..My AOL Journal survived the trip to Blogspot
you owe an explanation to no one, least of all trollish people who can’t keep their unwanted opinions to themselves.
you rock, girlfriend.
and your daughter will too.
Once upon a time, the planet of janet wrote..I think I have lost my mind
First of all, f#ck any one who thinks it’s their right or responsibility to critique your personal blog. I had a similar response to a post I wrote about hating clowns (I shit you not. I got personally attacked by a bunch of frickin carnies). F#ck ‘em.
Secondly, you are such a fantastic writer! I get so entralled in your posts! And, even though you don’t know us, I feel so lucky that you choose to share such intimate stories about you, your family and your history with such brutal honesty. I think everyone could learn from your wisdom (totally not being sarcastic, I promise!).
Once upon a time, Mom to Bee wrote..HOLY CRAP BALLS!
We all have to assess how our upbringing shapes our own parenting, and you’re doing great. Better than many, really, just for throwing the bullshit flag and refusing to take the easiest route.
Now excuse me, while I continue sorting through my own demons.
Mad noodles to you.
What a bunch of crap.
No, I don’t mean your post, I mean that people would call you out like that. Who was it? Just post the name. C’mon. Do it. I’ll gather up some daddy bloggers and we’ll go take care of them for you. Then we’ll post about our kids and the park and love.
You know that you’re a good mom. But I know exactly what you mean about being afraid of genetics. There are issues I watch for obsessively every day in myself, and constantly remind myself that I need to suppress. It is what it is. Bottom line, your kid will be A-OK…environment is more influential than genetics, in my opinion. And she’s clearly in a healthy one. But I agree that you are right to make her aware of the potential pitfalls. You should call it the MrL Genome Project. It just sounds badass.
PS-I only spent, like, four hours in your archives. Lay off, will ya?
Once upon a time, Matt wrote..Healing
I’m a woman. I struggle with depression. I never cut myself or had the same type of problems you have mentioned here but I hoped and begged the universe to send me boys when I was pregnant. Because it’s hard to be a woman and I thought I’d have a better shot at it not trying to guide a little person who was just like me, because I have some issues. I don’t think that’s nearly as uncommon as some commenters might think. If one of my boys turned out to be a girl I wouldn’t have been afraid to tell her that as long as it was followed up with a statement of unconditional, unwaivering devotion and love, exactly the way you did here. Bravo.
Once upon a time, Binkytown wrote..We love snack time
I was gonna type this long drawn out response, but I’ll just say “Good for you”. You’re doin’ just fine and 3of3 is a lucky girl to have such an awesome example of a strong woman for a momma.
Once upon a time, Kate wrote..Our House
You know, on the days when I read about other people getting totally undeserved hate mail, I’m grateful for the fact that no one reads my blog.
You are a great mom. I’ve seen you in action. I’ve read this blog for over a year now (although I confess I *still* haven’t plowed through the archives - sorry!) and you display what a great parent you are on a regular basis. You are all the better a parent for not having a had a good example to follow.
One day, when your children are old enough to read your posts, they will appreciate your honesty. And they’re the only readers that matter.
Once upon a time, Latte Mommy wrote..The Vacation Correlation
I really am trying to get back through your old posts. ::hugs:: This one was wonderful, simply brilliant. I think the honesty and love of your birthday post was admirable. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.
Once upon a time, Jaina wrote..Out of Sorts
Kudos, Ms. Whisky. This post really resonates.
The voices of other people are just that, and even worse is that they are more “vocal” because they’re hiding under the anonymity of the internet (not knowing that you can actually see their registered IP address).
Anyhoo, your stories are what made you the fabulous mom you are today. Fck what other people think.
Once upon a time, thedemigod wrote..Discovery
“…it’s okay to be afraid to be a mother, to be so humbled by the awesome responsibility of bringing up a child that you are terrified of doing it poorly. ”
I’m going to crosstitch that on a pillow.
It’s the parents who don’t grasp that fact who scare the hell out of me.
And f-ck the people who question you. That makes me mad as hell. I heard a lot of that too when I was in the dumps about having “another” boy - plenty of “be glad he is healthy” BS. The funny part, because I can laugh about it now, is that he wasn’t, healthy that is, and will forever be different, though whole and perfect in every way in his parent’s eyes.
Em
Once upon a time, Em wrote..Turn it up to 11.
I was just terrified to have a girl after raising my son for 15 years… girl? What do I know about raising a girl?! Girls are sensitive and crazy and argumentative! And I have a terrible doll phobia and I HATE tea party… oh this is going to be awful, terrible…
And now, she’ll be 2 next month… and I can’t believe I ever felt that way… because she’s so smart and funny. She’s bossy as hell and I still hate her dolls and I know that she and I will have knock down - drag out fights when she’s older…
The fact that I was terrified when the OB said “Girl” doesn’t change for one minute how much I love her and am thankful for her NOW.
I mean, I thought my husband was a goober when I first met him, too. *grin*
Once upon a time, Deeples wrote..Survivor - Week 1, Part 2 recap
Umm, I’m scared too. I’m 15wks out from having a daughter and I’ve been raising a son for the past nearly 2yrs so I don’t know what I’m going to do as far as a daughter. And then I see how girls dress and act and talk these days and I just freak out! And then of course I remember how I was (if my mom read this: I don’t remember ever being bad and if don’t remember it didn’t happen:) and I stay a bit freaked out. The only thing that keeps me from freaking out really badly is that while I can kill parts of a bamboo plant I can keep my son alive and happy and healthy and that’s gotta count for something.
people are stoo-pid. i was totally moved by the post.
Once upon a time, mb wrote..disconnected no more
Aw sweetie. I’m with all of those people up there who say you rock and they love you and want to make out with you (wait, no one said that? Oh, cool. Then I’m not repeating it.)
XX
Once upon a time, Ree wrote..WW - Garden Pron
Those people who didn’t understand your birthday post, what are they like? You so didn’t need to bare all of that out today, but thank you that you did, because there was a kind of beauty to it, and I would be so glad to have you as my mum.
You are preparing that story for all of them, right here.
Once upon a time, Miss wrote..Please! Don’t act like you didn’t know…
oh for gods sake, you totally explained your starting comments in that birthday post IN THAT birthday post. I loved that birthday post. I read, then I cried a lot, then I followed the link back to last year’s one, and read that, a cried a lot more.
And this post was awesome too. LOOK, you are fab, you are ENTIRELY brave, you are doing a GREAT JOB at that parenting thing, YES YOU ARE, don’t you dare post about how you’re a terrible mum and a coward!
And any one who says differently can see me in my office after school.
Getting off my soap box now.
and still finding it difficult to post comments here because of a wierd glitchy notice thing :(
Once upon a time, mamacrow wrote..Our Tune.
oh and having seen the photos from your trip out getting all the photos of beauty - I can confirm you are TOTALLY hot :)
Once upon a time, mamacrow wrote..Our Tune.
I love you. That is all.
Once upon a time, anne nahm wrote..Letting Go
Let me guess: the You Can’t Ever Say Anything Negative About Being a Parent Because I Can’t Get Pregnant. Also, Give Me Your Children Because You Don’t Deserve Them people emailed you.
There are so many insecure negative assholes on the internet. They will gun for you because of your physical and intellectual beauty as well as your clear talent.
Fuck ‘em.
My husband and I grew up in homes filled with disgusting habits and abuses and nasty, dark secrets. We’ve both had a lot of therapy and now share a wonderful therapist who nearly had to beat it into us that secrets are the key to perpetuating bad generational cycles. Once we clued into that one little tip, it made everything so much easier!
You are clearly wired differently than your family. When I asked, “But why are WE the ones trying to change things,” my therapist told me that every once in a while, someone comes along in a family and they are wired so radically differently, that they are that family’s best chance to change generations of damage. You are that person, obviously, and letting all those secrets out of the bag means it can’t hang over you or your children any longer. You’ll do it. They’ll be better off for it, and so will their children.
I think people who bring children into the world after the kinds of childhoods we’re describing are some of the bravest people in the world if their intent is to heal themselves and protect their children. You’re brave, babe. Be bold and proud of what you’re doing.
Once upon a time, Missives From Suburbia wrote..Welcome To the Sorority
I love this post. LOVE it. And wow, your commenters too. Especially I M Able, who with her ‘So I can’t just *ask* her what it was like scraping through the dark for her own version of normal’ made me go all shivery.
I M, if you have a blog, I’d love to read it. (jessalogic@yahoo.com)
About a month before I had my son my mom sat me down and told me that for the rest of my life, my mission was to make it better for my kids. To make them ‘better than me’, in that they’d have more opportunities, more choices. Be better equipped. Not make the same mistakes (instead making their own!)
I’m so hoping that what I give (and have given) these kids doesn’t include alcoholism or food issues, diabetes or alzheimers. (My husband and mine’s genetic cocktail)
Sometimes I’d give everything to have a window into the future for just a few seconds, to see that everything turned out okay….
Beautiful post. Beautifully done.
Once upon a time, daysgoby wrote..memories in wood and frame
I’ve never, in all the blog reading I’ve done, read someone explain my exact motivations before.
For me, it was the grand huge bitch of a fact that I spent about 18 years in counselling, off and on, 7 on some form of medication, off and on, 2 breathing powder of the gods up my nose and so far 15 binge drinking when the occasion called for it. I wondered why I chose to starve, shlosh, snort and scream from an age when half of those abilities shouldn’t even be comprehended yet. And it wasn’t until I was being treated for pre-post-partum depression that I was diagnosed with a melange of disorders of the melon. And when I told my dad he said, “Yeah, that’s what they said about your mother too. When she was in Riverview, after you were born.”
Which really, was like, the ‘why the fuck didn’t you mention that, say the first time I cried for 2 days straight and then spent every cent I had on a spice rack - when I was eight years old?’ moment of a lifetime. Isobel will never know that - she will never have to wonder why she’s different, if she is.
Once upon a time, Zoeyjane wrote..My Fantasy
Dude..this is your next BlogHer speaker post.. you are an amazing mother.. and f*ck anyone that cannot see that..
Once upon a time, Kim wrote..Hi, My name is Kim. I am NOT Perfect.
I can relate. I was scared of having a son because of my father and his…misdemeanors.
You have every right to say what you want, when you want. Don’t sensor for those few who think they know better than you.
I know, I know I should practice what I preach. *sigh* I can hear the hurt in your post. The fact that you feel that you need to explain yourself speaks volumes.
Your kids are very lucky to have you.
They will thank you for your honesty.
Once upon a time, tiff wrote..Photography.
Awesome post, as was the birthday one. I’ve only recently started to read your blog, and I thought it was perfectly clear from the birthday posting what you were talking about… &*^% the trolls!
Also, like the many, many other commenters here, I’d like to say that you rock for being so open and honest with your kids (not to mention with everyone else!). Plus, there’s lots of evidence that having a safe, loving environment during childhood is a very important modulator for those who are genetically predisposed to things like addiction and other mental illnesses (oops, that’s my geek speak coming out) Basically, research shows that early life trauma affects the development of brain structure & function, and of stress hormone function, in a way that make people more vulnerable to addiction and mental health problems later in life… so providing a safe, loving, nurturing environment to grow up in may actually be helping to lower the chances of your kids developing addiction and mental health problems at a physiological level. That, combined with, as you say, being aware that they should be on the look out for early signs of addiction and mental illness, will go a long way in helping them to have awesome lives!
Once upon a time, Beth wrote..Why Do Americans Have to Register To Vote Over a Month Ahead of their Election?
You are a GREAT mom. ‘Nuff said.
Once upon a time, Linds wrote..Thursday Thirteen - My 9th - 13 Things I Am Thankful For
Being honest with your children about mental illness and addictions that run in your family is a brave and wonderful thing to do for your children. My mother and grandmother were both alcoholics. My mother had mental issues for as long as I can remember but in my family things like that were not discussed with children or around children. I drank, did drugs and came and went as I pleased when I was very young because my mother was to consumed with drinking to care what I did. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I started to figure out on my own that something was wrong with my mother and that I didn’t want to end up like her. I finally went to the only person that would talk to me about these things when I was 16, my mothers cousin. She told me everything. It was through her that I came to except the fact that my mother was never going to be a part of my life because of her drinking and mental issues and that I didn’t want her to be a part of my life. My cousin taught me to separate who I am from who and what my mother is. I feel that I am a strong person who makes the right decisions most of the time but I also feel that if my cousin hadn’t been honest with me I very well may have turned out like my mother.
Once upon a time, Toni wrote..Expressions for Women having Really Bad Days…
As I am 57 comments (or so) down you may not get to read this. I am a new reader and love your blog. The birthday post to your daughter was the first one I read, and I thought it was great. You did not have to explain your feelings at all, but thank you for doing so. Not everyone gets what they want, or what they think they want and it is OK to feel like that. I have 4 boys–boys I love more then life itself, everyone one of them, but guess what? I wanted a girl, just one. I was beyond devastated upon finding out I was having another boy. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him any less. This is just one of those things we are not allowed to admit in society or it means we don’t deserve our kids. Sorry you had to deal with those negative comments.
Once upon a time, Michelle wrote..And then my heart melted…
I totally wish you lived close enough that we could go out for coffee sometime. And by coffee I mean Coke Zero. Oh wait, no one serves Coke Zero. Bastards. Diet Coke then.
Once upon a time, janethesane wrote..Stupid Hives
I promised myself that my kids would have it differently than I did growing up. Breaking the cycle can be done.
Once upon a time, Tara R. wrote..Flutterbyes
Perfect. :)
Once upon a time, Alison wrote..Not Fun
You are amazing. Totally amazing. And wonderful in all of your flaws. Your kids are so fucking lucky, dude. xos
Looking back to when my wife told me she was pregnant all I can recall is terror. My dad was not such a great role model. I pretty well knew how NOT to be a dad, but that kind of left a whole lotta ways to screw up. In the movie Parenthood, Keanu Reeves says in effect “You have to have a license to drive and have a dog, but anyone with working genitalia can become a parent.” That was never more relevant than that moment.
Not being subject to post-partum depression, I did nevertheless plunge deeply into depression as a Stay-at-home Dad. It was the most fantastic thing my wife and I have given our kids (either parent being home is very cool), but 70% of stay at home Moms suffer from depression. 100% of the dads I know who stayed home did (that’d be me).
You are courageous and brilliant. You are facing your life head on and being honest about who you are. That right there is the greatest gift you can give you kids, the donor and yourself. It’s much easier to remember how to behave and who to be when it’s just yourself.
Those who rail against honesty and introspective writing probably aren’t wading out into the deep end of the pool anyhow.
Once upon a time, Chip wrote..10 Hottest New Bike Gadgets for Gearheads
um… that’s not my writing link in that post… but this is. Heh… I iz a n00b.
Once upon a time, Chip wrote..My Shrink Laughs at Me
Dam there are just too many comments. i want to be noticed toooo, but really….
Why are you so popular and why do I keep reading! Don’t know but it’s fun.
Once upon a time, Surfer Jay wrote..
u.suck don’t even know why you bother… (wink) jk jk jk jk
u.rock really. Almost as much as me! We have addiction issues in our family?
Babe, as others have said, you didn’t owe that explanation. But I totally understand why you felt you needed to.
I wonder if your concerned readers are the same as mine?
Cause girl, apparently I don’t deserve my kids either.
Love you. And I am not alone.
Once upon a time, Kelley wrote..Biz Cas Fri
You have hate mail now? You’ve officially hit the big time sister! Congrats! ; )
Once upon a time, molly_g wrote..Three year blog-aversary
hugs, my beautiful friend.
many many hugs.
this was a great post.
Once upon a time, ali wrote..dumped. dunked. and decluttered.
Socrates - The life which is unexamined is not worth living. Oh, yes, every family struggles to dust off, expose, and dispose of our skeletons. I don’t see how pretending everything is wonderful helps out at all.
I never wanted kids. My husband did and so it was part of our marital contract. People can say what they’d like about that, but I’m a good, if imperfect mother. No one who knows me could question my dedication to, admiration of, and love for my children and based on your birthday blog alone, the same is true of your relationship with your daughter.
I’m not sure why all this judgment, but it’s rampant and hurtful especially among mothers who should really support each other. Don’t we so lust after finding someone else’s weakness to make ourselves feel better?
Once upon a time, rebecca wrote..Er, uh, "Bird Friends" - You heard me!
you sooo didn’t need to explain yourself! Where do these people come from and why aren’t they sending me these same comments- I’m not complaining.. fuck ‘em- not literally, of course!
Once upon a time, tenakim wrote..Friday Fragments
I have a huge amount of respect for you, your choices, and your brilliant attitude. Your children will, too.
Yeah, so you’re a lousy parent. We knew that. We’re working on that. But you get 72 comments. How do you get 72 comments? I haven’t gotten 72 comments all year. I hate you. Well, not really but I bet you think you’re some really hot stuff now. I’m taking my blog and going home. I don’t want to play anymore.
Once upon a time, Audubon Ron wrote..Dog Day Afternoon
Okay, I had to go back and read the birthday post first, and I have to be honest and say, “What the hell are those people talking about?” Never ONCE in there did it sound like you didn’t WANT a child, just that you were scared shitless, and I completely understand that. Aren’t most parents, at some time or another, scared? If not, they don’t know what they are in for.
As you know, you and I have similary backgrounds. Alcoholism, drugs, mental illness, abuse, and I was scared, too. I didn’t want to be THAT type of mother, which was NO mother at all.
But I’m a good mother. And you are a good mother, and we both know it. We shouldn’t have to explain the reasons to anybody, but I love the way you DID explain it.
Once upon a time, Robina wrote..Do you have a cat, cause something is lickin’ me
I didn’t see those comments, but I never get why other people’s feelings bother people.
At all.
I happen to like your feelings (you’re welcome! I know you were worried!), but if I didn’t? I’d just shut up.
If I do like them, I’ll try to make your journey easier by saying so.
I’ve had some people try to “call me out” on the bogus nature of my feelings–that’s right, MY OWN FEELINGS–and say they didn’t want to be part of the “greek chorus” that was positive toward me on my journey.
Now? I want them dead.
(Just kidding. Kind of…..)
Peace, and please don’t change a thing!
Once upon a time, christy c wrote..PMS, HIV….all the same, right?
Hugs. You are a great mom and don’t let anyone tell you different. I love your posts and from reading you or um, cyber stalking for about 2 years now, anyone who isn’t living under a rock can tell you LOVE ALL of your children.
Hell, I’ve been a mom to Ty for 5 years now and I’m still scared shitless everyday!!
HUGE STRONG HUGS to you!!
Once upon a time, Darla wrote..The Bride and her Lovely Maids
You are a good, good, good mom. And person.
Once upon a time, maggie, dammit wrote..Awareness
“My whole family tripped through life with a bag over their head, hoping that if they just didn’t acknowledge anything at all, it would all magically go away.” OMG it’s like we’re related. Welcome to the family. :P
Once upon a time, Erica wrote..Inside Voice
Came over from FSF. What an amazing post. Your honesty and humor make a great pair.
Once upon a time, phhhst wrote..KaaaaaaaaaaBOOM
Your honesty is so refreshing - and so why I come here. I’m sorry you felt the need to justify yourself, but thank you for such a heartfelt response.
Once upon a time, April wrote..Mid-Week Wrap-Up