Today was supposed to be my daughter’s birthday.  Well, actually, Friday was supposed to be her birthday, if you trust those doctor people and their magic xray machines and measuring tapes and stuff.  But when you have two children previously who both waiting a really long time past their due dates to pop on out just to be sure that they’d both arrive on the 14th, you can just assume the 14th is the day the gods want you to reproduce.

Also, today is her god-auntie’s birthday (happy birthday Nicole!  I loves you to the moon), and how awesome would that have been?

So, yeah, I was totally Jack’s complete and utter surprise when this kid decided that a week and a half EARLY sounded good for making her grand entrance.  And I tell you all that to justify waiting 14 days to post pictures from her birthday party.  Yeah, I planned it this way.  Uh huh.

We had all the neighborhood kids over, most of whom are in the throws of puberty, but beggars can’t be choosers, yo.  This is about 1/3 of them.  Wow, did my house smell after.

She showed off a few new tricks she’d picked up in her first 10 hours or so of being three, like the creepy death grin.

And the very important survival skill all dogs children pick up at some point called “Don’t you touch my fucking food or I’ll bite your face off.”

The candles are totally her favorite part of the birthday, and she closed her eyes and wished as hard as she could and made very large three year old wishes.

Who knows what she wished for, but what she got was an Aquadoodle, which I’d heard of before but never really knew what is was until the boy across the street showed up here with it in a box.  Dude, it’s awesome.

She got a bag full of wall sticker thingies, pencils, crayons, coloring books and I thought there were some barrettes, but I can’t seem to find them anywhere.

I gave her balloons.  Yes, I gave my child balloons.  AND SHE LOVED IT.  I blew up, oh, I dunno, a half a pound bag of balloons.  Do you know how many balloons that is?  It’s a lot.  An excessive lot.  Like, if you need balloons in the next year for anything, call me up.

I am pretty sure wished for Playdough, which is the one toy that is OFF LIMITS in momma’s house. You can have all the drums and LaLaLa singy noisy toys you want, but you bring that carpet staining, tea-ruining, stinky shit in my house, and we’re throwing down.  But she must have wished for it, because dude?  HER WISH CAME TRUE.  I am up to my eyeballs in Playdough, and it is killing me.

I know you’re thinking it, but don’t you dare say it.  Don’t.  Hey, look, a unicorn!  And a booger?

And with that, she was officially birthdayed.  And even after long three years, I’m pretty sure we’ll keep her.