I’d like you to meet my sister, Barbie. And my other sister, Barbie. And, oh, you get it. Oh, and a bottle. 3of3 insisted they had a drink.
Three of these Barbies are from America, one from South Africa. They were all purchased at the same time. Let’s see if we can’t identify which one of these things is not like the other, using only what’s right here in front of us. It’ll be like high school, just without the teacher wearing a bad tie and too much Old Spice who’s breath smells like coffee. (My breath totally smells like coffee, just sayin’,)
First, let’s see what they’re wearing. Keep in my they are wearing the original, licensed Barbie outfits they came in. Whoever said you can’t judge a book by its cover reads the wrong books.
Hmmm. One is a ballerina; how whimsical. One is wearing a bright, short yet sensible frock that looks maybe hand-dyed and covers all the naughty bits. The other one could pull in a quick $50 on the corner, and her panties are popping out from the top of her skirt. There’s a very interesting clue.
Let’s look at that picture again, shall we? First, I’d like you to notice the height of Barbie and Barbie and Barbie. Barbie in the middle is significantly taller than the other two. And notice their legs; how middle Barbie’s legs are closed together, and right Barbie’s legs are, well, not so much. Let’s put that in our notebook too, shall we?
Next, let’s examine their facial features. These Barbies have been buried in the exact same corner of the exact same toybox for the exact same length of time. How have they faired after a decent roll in za hay? See how blue dress Barbie’s hair just lets it all go? All, see her coloring? A little blush, a sweep of mascara, and some sheer gloss. Downplayed and simple. A little button nose, definition in her cheeks.
Now see how red shirt and mini-skirt Barbies hair does not look like she was raised by dogs, like she just washed it or something? She’s got eyelashes as long as her legs, ice pink lipstick, and eyebrows 4 shades darker than her hair color.
And what the hell is that white stuff all over her shirt? Interesting.
Whoa, dude? Are you wearing onetwothree FOUR layers of eyeshadow? Dag, yo. Hey, did anyone notice how much smaller one of their heads is?
Yet there bodies are the same width. Weird, eh? Now let’s dive under the surface. *Indecency warning. May not be appropriate for boys ages 10-12, or the dudes who read this blog.
Holy moses! Two of them have pubic regions that are literally PUFFED out. Barbie on the far left has full coverage panties on, totally appropriate with a short dress. At least, I assume. Let’s check…
Holy Thong Song, Batman! “She had dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what what what; All night long, let me see that thong….”
*ahem* Well then. Oh, but I almost forgot little sister Skipper, or whatever the hell they call her these days. Toddler Barbie? What’s she got going on?
Mesh tops, mini-skirts, hot pink knee high boots. Reeeeeally? Is it Halloween? Now, I am remiss to even go here, but I have to know.
Those are NOT Finding Nemo Pull Ups, little missy. Those are HIGH CUT BRIEFS ON A THREE YEAR OLD. Someone is not going to be watching any Dora this week.
So, now that we’ve examined the fake plastic grooming, apparel and undergarment habits of our dear Barbies, which do you think is the South African one? Any guesses? Well, maybe we should just ask them.
Lesson over, kids. You all get an A, and no homework this weekend.
Tagged with: Toys
the planet of janet
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 1:57well, i must say this was quite edumacational.
thanks, mom!
the planet of janet wrote..Can you hear me now?
Jeanette
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 5:26PMSL! Glad to see there’s no real difference in the toys, speaking as a Souff Effrican that is :)
OHmommy
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 6:33SO awesome.
I have a Barbie from Poland. I should send it to you for further Barbie cultural inspections. Whoa, that would make for an awesome study. Or something.
OHmommy wrote..Missed Connections
RobMonroe
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 7:36For the second post in a row, I believe my only comment is:
Umm…. wow. :o)
We have, luckily, not gotten into Barbies just yet. Abby is still happy with her simple Cabbage Patch Kid!
RobMonroe wrote..Divorce
Daisy
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 7:51Hey the South African Barbie looks just like the Barbies I played with like 20 years ago (ouch). Maybe South Africa has the old pattern cause they don’t like our new trampy version?
Daisy wrote..Just call me "Slacker"
Daisy
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 7:52Oh, and I can’t do the comparison at our house cause Lu has Bratz (a whole ass-load)
Daisy wrote..Just call me "Slacker"
Hockeyman
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 8:13Thank you for making me feel not so alone in the Barbie undergarment examinations. I still think they are just saying “Whaaaaaaat?”
organicyogamom
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 8:17Thank you for this lesson! We haven’t sucumbed to the barbie story in this house yet and this makes me certain that we won’t!
organicyogamom wrote..Following the Dream
mb
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 8:27I have my work cut out for me this weekend. I’m totally going to gather all Barbies (ugh) in the house and do a thorough comparison of their nether-regions. Yes, I’m a teenage boy.
mb wrote..Why Can’t People Just BE NICE?
calicobebop
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 8:29Well that settles it. I’m buying my Barbies from South Africa. If my daughter ever wants them. So far we’re stuck on ponies.
calicobebop wrote..Celebrity Liquor
Real Life Fairy Tale Princess
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 8:36LMAO!! Okay, so when are we going to pull out the Ken dolls and examine them?
Real Life Fairy Tale Princess wrote..For Mom
Miss Britt
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 8:48Woah. I’m sending my daughter to South Africa.
Or, at the very least, refusing to get her any more Barbies.
Miss Britt wrote..Officially the First “I’m So Nervous About BlogHer!” Post of 2009
moo
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 8:55I want to be the ballerina barbie.
because at least she has a JOB.
moo wrote..karma
Twenty Four At Heart
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 9:01My daughter is 19 – it’s been awhile since I’ve seen a Barbie. And may I add – I’ve never liked them anyway. So the US Barbies have their legs far apart? And thongs on. What are their Barbie names? Ho and Skanky?
Besides, do US women even wear panties anymore?
Choch
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 9:04LOL Interesting day you had! Kisses
Choch wrote..Due for life changing event?
Kim
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 9:09The US barbies look like they are wearing thoe terrible work out outfits from back in the 80′s..you know the Jane Fonda aerobics wear..
PS.. so glad I will never have Barbie stuff in my house.. lol
Kim wrote..The post I said I would not do, but did anyway
WeaselMomma
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 9:41Barbie #3 must be ‘crack whore Barbie’ from the gangsta bitch collection.
WeaselMomma wrote..CLICK MY ADS!!!!!!
jessica
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 9:44But are you sure they weren’t all MADE IN CHINA? I *know* the American ones were.
Jesus loves BARBIE MADE IN CHINA.
jessica wrote..AED.13
Goldfish
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 9:47Brilliant! We only have boys in our house, and I can’t even think of a comparable, um, boy toy (stupid pun not intended). But this totally settles it: Barbie is very creepy.
Goldfish wrote..TGIF
MamaWise
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 9:49I have to echo Kim, in that I am so glad we will not have Barbies in the house… or at least I hope not. I mean maybe my son might want one, but if so I’ll tell him they only sell Barbies in South Africa and that he’ll have to row a boat all the way over there. That should make him rethink it!
MamaWise wrote..Let’s open your present early! Please?
Katherine
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 10:25So no American Barbies for O, thank you very much. Mesh on Skipper? What is this world coming to?
Katherine wrote..Oh, The Things That Go On Around Here
Ashlie- Mommycosm
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 10:34Our teenaged neighbor gave Sarah dozens of her Barbies recently. As I sit here, I have the odd desire to strip them down and check out their nether regions. Sick, Mr. Lady. Sick.
I’ll report back;)
Ashlie- Mommycosm wrote..What color is your crayon today?
Melisa
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 10:49I can always count on you to make things extremely interesting…The pink legs creeped me out.
Melisa wrote..The Blogging Olympics Are Coming To Chicago!
Lo
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 11:00heheehehehehehehehehe. dude. barbies have thongs? they have.. UNDERWEAR? seriously? back in my day they just had plastic … mound-type deals. weird.
little barbie toddler freaks the shit outta me tho.
Lo wrote..good morning but wait… why am i awake again?
Assertagirl
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 11:20Oh my word, Barbie wears a THONG. That is so very wrong.
Assertagirl wrote..Chalk Outline Cat
Matt
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 11:32The puffed out pubic region may be cause for some concern.
You frighten me a little bit. OK a lot.
Matt wrote..The Preemie Adventure – Barbara
Miss
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 12:04You could have titled this “What happens when you have nothing to blog about. Let me show you it.”
You are creeping me out dood. CREEPING. ME. OUT.
(Good thing you are hot)
And Barbies in thongs? She’s just like me! *sigh* I’m voting for her!
Miss wrote..10 Simple Things
Expat Mom
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 12:04Wow. Your mind goes places I would never have imagined possible. lol. But it`s very educational of course. When did Barbie get undies? I only remember plastic.
My parents were totally against Barbie because of the whole “if she were a real woman, she`d be 7 feet tall and unable to bear children” thing. But my grandma gave us one each anyway and you know, if you have a Ken doll, those suckers multiply? I wasn`t warped though. I thought tall and blonde meant she must be like Darryl Hanna (sp?) in Clan of the Cave Bear, so our Barbies lived outdoors in grass huts and foraged for their food. No fancy ball gowns here!
Expat Mom wrote..In Which I Reveal My Dorkiness
Kristy - Where's My Damn Answer
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 12:11I certainly don’t remember my Barbie having a thong. My how times have changed. Maybe I should be thankful that I only have a son who was interested in GI Joe, Army Men, Lego’s and matchbox.
Although, there was that one time that I posed GI Joe in a ballet pose with a tutu on and Zac got REALLY mad at me, ripping him from my hands saying, “MOM, GI Joe does NOT dance.” I was a heap of giggles … poor lil five year old ;-)
Zak
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 12:19This cracks me the hell up.
You are so rad.
The next time you come to Colorado, we need to meet at opposite bars and have a drink together. Word.
Zak wrote..Mr. Toasty: The Man, The Myth, The Legend
Jaina
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 12:27Very very interesting. Barbie in a thong? Seriously? I’d never have thought to look at the differences in the makeup or anything.
Jaina wrote..Sigh of Relief
anna
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 13:06The white stuff on the shirt really is suspicious.
anna wrote..Breakfast at the Getty Museum Sucks. But Lunch is Pretty Good. By Mini Right-Click.
tracey
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 13:30The things we find to amuse ourselves, eh? I once posted about how the PBS, Nick Jr, and Playhouse Disney toys all got along just fine in the Little People house…
tracey wrote..Where will you be in July 2009???
flickrlovr
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 13:34God, I love you.
Maybe an outing would be a good idea? Like just take a little jaunt outside, k? Breathe in some fresh air…see a few humans…
;)
Karen MEG (pomtini)
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 14:51Interesting abstract… I can’t wait to read the whole thesis one day…
Karen MEG (pomtini) wrote..Hidden in the drawer
Jen
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 15:01Did you know….
that in the 70′s Barbie went Commando? It’s time to get the Dems back into the white house, I say!!
PS–white trash Barbie in the denim skirt needs a cheeseburger to round out those thighs.
Jen wrote..Baby Needs a Blankie
Missives From Suburbia
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 15:03THIS is why I’m totally freaked out about having a daughter.
Missives From Suburbia wrote..Spit and Determination
Arjewtino
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 15:04You know, I was just thinking about how you don’t see enough Barbie Porn on the web anymore and then this popped into my Reader.
I’m just glad you didn’t show Ken’s emasculated form.
schmutzie
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 15:17You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2008/11/five-star-friday-edition-32.html
Anndi
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 15:46Canadian Barbies are like the South African Barbie. I think ours have panties because of the cold though.
Anndi wrote..They got me…
Kelley
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 19:55I wanna know why one of them has pink legs. Cadaver legs. Transplant?
Kelley wrote..Dammit. I knew there was something missing from Boo’s party. And keeping with the tradition of freakishly long blog post titles, something about Christmas too.
Ree
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 20:14What the hell is with the headsize?
Ree wrote..Haiku Friday – In Memoriam
Tara R.
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 20:20Who knew that Barbie would join the political fray?Love photos!
Tara R. wrote..The Actors Studio wants to know
Momo Fali
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 20:25Why do the American’s always have to be ho’s? Damn.
Momo Fali wrote..Oprah Cliff Notes VI
Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 21:14Barbie is still better than those Bratz dolls. Talk about earning money on a corner.
Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy wrote..100 (Late) Things About Me for My 200th Post
MommyTime
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 22:44This is awesome. I remember being pissed when playing with a friend’s Barbies that Ken had stamped on underwear, while Barbie had removable panties. Even at seven, I was sure there was something screwed up about that. So now they’ve moved on to thongs — and we have to wonder whether the stamped on is better or not. The little bits of nylon that used to be Barbie undies were quite modestly styled, and plain white.
MommyTime wrote.."I’m a Pretty Princess"
phhhst
Friday, 14 November, 2008 at 23:16So much for the idea of Brazilian cut. and Barbie has survived a long time being non PC.
phhhst wrote..Friday Foto
rebecca
Saturday, 15 November, 2008 at 0:44Jeez Mr. Lady, don’t you think you came down a little hard on that pin-headed, faded hand-me-down dressed, fuck me haired, raised by dogs in South Africa doll with VPLs?
rebecca wrote.."Recycling is Bullshit" – Hey, Oh!
Gnilleps
Saturday, 15 November, 2008 at 1:41ummmmmmmmmmm…
Raging Dad
Saturday, 15 November, 2008 at 10:04If I would have had milk in my nose, it’d be a hot mess all over my screen right now! I was secretly hoping you’d show under their hoods, and did you deliver! :) GREAT post.
Raging Dad wrote..If tomorrow’s sun doesn’t shine