Nov 18 2008
Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down
I am all about a little well-placed bondage.
It’s okay, you can unsubscribe right now by clicking on the Feed Settings button in your reader.
There’s no decent or moral way to segue out of that, so I’ll spare you, sufficed to say that I am more than capable of staying absolutely still when necessity dictates it so. Usually. Only when it’s awesome.
What’s not awesome is having some unknown thing totally freaking wrong with you. I have seen SO MANY doctors trying to figure out what the hell is causing certain parts of my body to wage global-thermo-nuclear-warfare on certain other parts of my body, and none of them have found anything wrong with me. So I decided to up the ante. I found A) a good doctor who B) actually asks a question on occasion. And unlike the 8,327 other doctors who all took enough of my sacred blood out of me with their sharp, pointy needles and their rubber bands to keep all your precious Twilight characters quite youthful and angsty for sequels to come, this one said, “Hey, let’s have a look-see at your spine!”
See, my back is NOT awesome. My back is trying to audition for Cirque De Soliel without the rest of me. My back wants to be the next Hot Wheels Christmas season racetrack. My back can bite me. When I was in 4th grade and they did those spine checks that they do at school, well, they did at MY school, shut up, they threw around words like ’scoliosis’ and ‘that’s not going to be fun later’. The last time I had x-rays on my spine, 10 years ago, my chiropractor said, “Um, okay. We’ll be seeing a LOT of you for the next rest of your life.” And then I heard the sound of a very distinct “Cha-ching!” I would have kept seeing him, because god knows he helped, but I never could get over the fact that every time I was within 20 feet of him, all I could think was SERIAL KILLER TOE SUCKING LIVER EATER. Which is really not cool when he’s got your neck in his creepy hands. Good thing I was 80 pounds overweight in the not-hot way or I know I’d be living in his ice box right now. I don’t like to be cold, yo. Or dead.
The point is that my the bones in my cervical spine (neck) curve the wrong way, that the middle of my spine is (or was, last time we checked) spinning around like a drunk ballerina, and 10 years ago, my lumbar vertebrae (lower spine) had condensed themselves down from many to one, just like the borg. Awesome.
I spend a lot of time being fairly uncomfortable in various places. Ibuprofen is my BFF. It gets much worse when it’s that time of the month, which has sent me and a mess of doctors on an endometriosis goose-chase, with the end result being a very conclusive Maybe. But today at 4:30, I get to harness all of my pent up bad girl bondage diggin’ aggression on one of these babies:
Yeah, that’s not hot. That’s all the “Don’t you move a damn muscle” and “bossy people in uniform” without the snuggle and the smoke after. I am actually completely nervous about the whole thing, which is odd only because I have had 2 full, long, glorious months to get used to the idea (God bless you, Canadian Health Care system.) That? Does not look fun. That looks like less fun than driving through the Holland Tunnel, and the last time I drove through the Holland Tunnel, I spent the whole time throwing up in the paper bag I was supposed to be hyperventilating into. And I doubt they’ll let me take pictures, which means it won’t even be fun for you.
Wanna know what totally does rock about it? That my husband about did a cartwheel when I told him this was happening, not because his wife might finally be able to shut the fuck up already with her whining find out why she hurts all the time, but because he thought for one fleeting moment that they’d make me remove my nosering that I’ve never taken out, and don’t even know how to, before they put me in that big, sci-fi nightmare, living casket thing.
And he was SO wrong. Haha, sucka.
Comments close after 14 days. And there's Captcha if you're nasty. 68 Comments to “Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down”
You said Borg.
*snort*
Boo speaks Borg in French. He could totally be your son.
And biatch, why didn’t you say anything while I was bitching at you today and offering my soft parts for you to gnaw on?
Cause I totally would have given you horror stories about that thing… well not really. But I would have made something up.
Oh and FIRST!
I am the better stalker.
OMW your back problem sounds sore. Hope they figure out what’s wrong and can fix it easily!
Jeanette wrote..A family photoshoot for Sue
I feel for you! I had some back issues that took forever to get resolved as well. It’s amazing what a doctor who actually LISTENS can accomplish isn’t it? Hope the CT Scan goes by quickly - maybe you’ll luck out and doze off? :)
calicobebop wrote..Did I Mention The Knitting?
I hope they find something wrong with you….in a “so they can cure you” kinda way.
Tammy wrote..Our gymnastics season has begun!
Oh honey. I have minor back issues, pinched nerves, and swollen disks and complained to my doctor about them. And in the good old USA I had one of those scans the very next day. Ha. Had no time to actually prep for it. Which was a good thing.
I can’t imagine you sitting there for 2 months fretting over it. It really isn’t horrible. The jack hammer sounds sucks, yeah. But it goes by fast. It really does. Day dream. A lot.
Now… will the CA docs take 2 months to read the damm results. Or will you know soon? Hugs. Thinking of you.
OHmommy wrote..O’s Favorite Things
You know what you need to do? Fall down the stairs so you break your ankle. Then you get a shiny STEEL plate in your leg, and they can’t put you in Dr. Torture-Me’s Incredible Contraption.
Or at least that’s what I did.
SciFi Dad wrote..Gifts From Santa
Oh, and uh, good luck today. I hope it goes well, and the screaming and wailing is kept to a bare minimum.
SciFi Dad wrote..Gifts From Santa
I had a CT scan not too long ago - it will sound like a REALLY BAD VIDEO GAME. Like Pong, but on CRACK. It’s not scary, but the first few minutes you’re in there, you’ll be pretty nervous. Then you have to control your giggles because of the pinging and beeping and buzzing. I can’t wait to hear how it goes!
Miss Missie wrote..It’s All Fun and Games Until the Cat Starts Sharting
As my Thing 1, princesses of the MRIs (four and counting, Dad!), can tell you, opting for a little pre-exam sedation is the way to go. Of course, that gets her all giggle prior to conk out. With your, um, bondage issue, it just might make you, uh … let’s say, “happy for the hubby.”
Good luck.
always home and uncool wrote..When Love Walks in the Room
I have a cyst in my spinal cord that has to be checked every six months with an MRI to make sure it’s not moving or growing. (You know, so that I still have function in my extremeties and can breathe and stuff)
At first, i had to take 4 Xanax (because I’m not tiny and those 0.25s are laughable to someone whose liver made it through college with its own degree).
But I’ve gotten used to them. Still suck, but now I don’t need the meds anymore.
As far as back/neck issues go, they can really screw with the entire rest of your body. I hope you get some answers. Good luck!
AndreAnna wrote..Operation Sleep
Oh I had one of those here in Canada as well. It’s really not THAT bad except the whole, dont move a muscle thing they scream at you every 5 minutes. Everytime they said that a weird part of my body would itch like crazy and all I wanted to do was scratch! The sounds inside are weird too.
That’s awful! I hope they figure out what’s going on. PS, were you seriously 80 over at one time? Did you blog becoming your fine hot self? Can you give me the url if you did?
Annnd, that request sounds a little skeevier than it should. You just look like one of those people who have always been thin, so I wanna hear all the secrets if you were at one time not always thin.
anne nahm wrote..Uppity Toilet Bowl Cleaner Tellin’ Me How to Raise Mah Babies
They are really not making you take it out? Cuz I was going to have an MRI and was told that I would have to remove my belly ring. But then I informed them that there was also a metal BB lodged in my nose cartilage so we had to nix that whole MRI thing and hit the Cat Scan instead.
I’ve got major back issues as well sister, and definitely right before that time of the month. I think it’s because my uterus lies straight back and rubs up on my spine. Now you know more about me than you ever cared to ;-)
amy wrote..I’ve only been waiting 24 years…
Okay.. your I don’t like to be cold or dead line made me chuckle. You are crazy my friend you know that? LOL And I am sorry about your back.. and cat scans are not fun.. not gonna lie.. thinking of you..
Kim wrote..If your looking for me…
I took a shirt with me and put it over my face so I couldn’t see what was happening. That freaked me out but not nearly as much as it would have if I had seen it.
Hope they find what’s up, Mr Lady. I don’t need a sick Mr Lady. You need to be healthy and what not so you might post and entertain me. ;-) Also, because I think you’re pretty awesome and awesome people should not be feeling like shit.
Kim @ Ponytaildiaries.com wrote..My sarcasm is missing
those things are n.o.i.s.y.
hope they find only things that can be fixed….
the planet of janet wrote..Can you hear me now?
Crossing my fingers that they can figure out HOW to make you feel better…
Glad you found a doctor that won’t suck your liver, too…
Oh, and let us know what the results are, ok?
tracey wrote..R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well if it’s any consolation, *I* am really hoping that it leads to them fixing you.
And I think nose rings are cute. ;-)
Miss Britt wrote..Officially the First “I’m So Nervous About BlogHer!” Post of 2009
As a fellow informed in grade school scoliosis sufferer, I hope they find something they can fix. I have scoliosis and endo and was convinced that the endo aggravated the back, however, my doc’s couldn’t figure that shit out. Had to fire two doctors and fly to Atlanta to find a doctor that fixed the endo. The MRI can’t diagnose endo, but will show all the abnormalities in your back. Only laproscopic surgery can truly diagnose endo. And fyi…don’t let anyone talk you into a hysterectomy if you do have endo. And be cautious if they suggest Lupron to suppress endo. The only way to really be rid of it is surgery to excise with a doc who really knows what he or she is doing. Glad you found a doc that will listen, they are a rare jewel.
Ballerinatoes wrote..Will You Remember Me
Dude. Sorry about your back. At least you get to do the open one. The one in the big tube feels like those trays they stick you on in the morgue.
kd@abitsquirrelly wrote..Breastmilk Sniper: the Next Phase in Stealth Weaponry
Good luck and keep the sense of humor (sorry, you’re in Canada), HUMOUR, about you.
Will wrote..The faux outrage is amusing
Good luck! I have mine tomorrow……will think of you…believe me it is a whole lot better than an MRI!!!!!! At least it isnt a tube or 2 large pancakes (just had that too) Let me know what they say Kisses
Choch wrote..Due for life changing event?
back pain sucks ass. hope they can figure out how to fix you. also, the part about your spine spinning around like a drunk ballerina made me laugh. hopefully that was your intention.
auntie wrote..I Sure Hope This Wasn’t A Huge Waste Of Time!
That sucks. I was in a bad car accident 2 1/2 years go. Five surgeries since. Three MRIs. Some people don’t mind them. (How’s that for encouragement?!) They can give you drugs to relax you … unfortunately no one ever told ME that. I got to try and stay statue like while in immense pain and slightly claustrophobic. I closed my eyes and tried to use my vivid imagination to take me somewhere else. It didn’t work. HOWEVER - I just know that for you it will be an awesome, fun experience! If nothing else, they’ll get some great pictures for you of your girl stuff.
I had an MRI once on my knee (it was one of the big tube ones and through WCB so don’t hate me for getting it in two weeks rather than two months).
It wasn’t that bad. I actually fell asleep.
And a friend of mine was diagnosed with scoliosis in adulthood - her chiro managed to fix her and she now goes back for an adjustment twice a year.
Nicole wrote..Primer
I’d be nervous too. Hope they don’t have to tie you up/down to figure things out…~
Jen
http://thoughtsfromthefrontporch.blogspot.com
Jennifer wrote..Hey Son, I Know You’re 2, But…….Want a Beer?
Hope everything goes smoothly. Oh, and they don’t make you play statue for the entire time. They do sections where you have to hold still and they they *should* give you the green light to wiggle and readjust in between.
But it still might not hurt to have a shot of your favorite medicinal liquid to relax you. Of course, then you need someone to drive you home.
Kate wrote..To Do
Yikes … that does not seem like a fun time.
… and for the record … I like your nose ring.
GASP! he does not like the nosering? wha????? that is a sin. i think it looks very lovely and becoming on you. (tell him he can suck it!) (not literally. just sayin.)
adn dude, they’re not THAT bad. you’ve had them before, right? my back, too, is a fuckin nightmare, we are no longer bff’s and i can’t even claim scoliosis bc this? i did to myself. it’s called, 7 years of competitive cheer later, adn i’m only 24 damn years old, i still have problems. i can’t even sit in a goddamn car for longer than an hour without crying.
uhm. anyway. so it’s not so bad. just relax and pretend you’re on the beach. oh, and dude? it’s called a camera phone. bc those doctors? toooottallllly haven’t caught up to the picture-cameraphone-blog thing yet. just sayin.
Lo wrote..i swear, i’m a vampire. no. really. seriously. swear!!
Oh man even the IDEA of those things have always totally freaked me out. Hopefully enduring it will get you something slightly more concrete than a definite maybe.
MIss Grace wrote..NaBloPoMo: CLA EPIC FAIL
I used to have fainting spells when I was a kid and had to go into those brain scanners all the time.
The hardest part was staying still for so long. You know, five minutes.
P.S. The nose ring is hot.
I don’t know if I could lie still that long. I’m SUCH a fidgetter…or if I could do the whole tight space…luckily you don’t need that kind of scan for being crazy.
Lynette wrote..How I spend my weekends, The Military Edition
“Hello, Mr. Lady. I want to play a game.”
BusyDad wrote..Headlines from Times Square
are you nervous because of what they might tell you? or are you nervous to go in the machine. i went in the machine a few years ago. i was having horrible cramps, the terrible awful kind that sent me to the er. they wheeled me in and told me to raise my arms over my head. i should have shaved my armpits.
i’m pretty sure i fell asleep with my hairy armpits blared to the poor tech. could be that i had an IV of morphine. i maybe even snored.
anyway, so shave your armpits. unless you don’t anyway, in which case who cares?
ms. changes pants while driving wrote..you RUINED christmas!
Chevy Chase just took pills after all those falls. That said, back pain sucks and a chiro wants to see you 3 times a week until your insurance runs out then he’s like, nobody will see you now. Good luck with a diagnosis, the CT/MRI that you are going into may imbue you with super powers though, like seeing through bathroom walls or picking people’s nose’s with your mind! Be well Whiskey Breath and good luck.
Punditdad wrote..Blog Cynicism Disease
Good luck! I’ve had upper back pain since I was 12 or so, and it sucks. Doctors can’t figure out what it is either. Unfortunately I have Kaiser so switching Docs won’t help much. lol
Hope you feel better!
Kathy wrote..*hangs head in shame*
Sheesh!
Jen wrote..
Those are the best. Especially all the nasty stuff you have to drink the day before. Blech. Good luck!
MomBabe wrote..Home Repair for Dummies
I do hope they find some answers for you. I can relate to the back pain. Dadisodes keeps bugging me to get checked as well.
Any chance they’ll give you drugs? They gave my mom oral drugs to help ease anxiety. Drugs are good.
Momisodes wrote..If I’m Not Here, This Is Why
Whoa. We were on each other’s blogs at the same time. Jinx! :)
Momisodes wrote..If I’m Not Here, This Is Why
I hope they can help you feel better! And if they can’t, come by my blog for something that might at least make you smile ;)
Jaina wrote..Shiny Stuff: Part One
And if they tell you to do yoga or pilates to strengthen your weak spine side, you have my permiso to beat the H.E.Double Hockey Sticks out of the bastards. Not that I’m projecting at all.
rebecca wrote..No Waste Day Wasted
From a fellow bolloxed up back owning blogger, good luck getting it sorted.
Xbox4NappyRash wrote..One stepping out, one stepping in
So sorry to hear about that. At least they’re way more open than they used to be.
You should at least ask them if they could use leather though, you know, so you don’t move around too much.
Jim wrote..The Meds
I don’t think some of your commentors have been paying attention. The thing in your picture is a CT scanner, NOT an MRI machine. In that thing, you lay there and the round thing moves over you, generally in the area they are looking at. Nothing claustrophobic about it at all. I almost fell asleep on one. The MRI machine is a very very different animal, and that CAN BE claustrophobic because it is an enclosed tube thing in many cases, and they often stick you in head first. And it is LOUD. The CT scan is a piece of cake, no medication necessary. Yes, you do have to lay still, but it is not scary at all and not as loud. The round thing spins, so you kind of feel like you are going through Star Gate, but you don’t end up in an alternate universe with androgenous, not so scary evil beings on the other side. Unless that describes one of the techs.
MidLifeMama wrote..Highs and lows
I married someone with a twisty back, too. Your Mister and I have even more in common than I thought.
Ree wrote..Title? Who needs a flippin’ title?
I must agree with Anne Nahm. Cause you are Hott! Also, dude you have totally made it through having 3 kids of course your back is phucked! But since you have been through those same 3 kids you can totally handle this. Duh, cause you are Mr. Lady!
Daisy wrote..Wake Up Alone
With my family history of scoliosis (is that even something that is genetic?), the first time my back filled out the application for Cirque de Soleil, I slammed that bitch down with a good hot stone massage.
Now I get one every two weeks. Damned if I know that it helps at all with the twisty back thing, but hey, I likey my hot rocks.
Also it helps that a full body 2-hour hot rock massage costs all of $20 (at a posh spa) here in Manila. :P
This post had me cracking up so bad.
thedemigod wrote..What I Want To Do With My Life
Are you sure that’s not the machine with magnetics made by Lex Luthor Industries that’s so strong it’s sucked loaded police revolvers from holsters, scalpels from across rooms, and yanked body jewelry right out of, um, down there? ‘Cause it looks just like that kind of machine.
I was asked if I’d done any welding recently before I was sent into one, because they were afraid any metal bits lodged in my eyes would get scrambled around inside my iris.
Not to freak you out or anything. Actually, I totally wanted to freak you out. But Midlifemama called it. I was sent through a great big, loud tube. Got the sense of what it was like to be Gene Roddenberry’s ashes.
Oh man, I’m so sorry your back has been hurting you since you were a kid. That just sucks.
I’m a massage therapist in addition to being a personal trainer and I see bad backs on a daily basis including lots of scoliosis and just plain ol’ messed up folks.
It ain’t fun and it shouldn’t be wished upon anyone. Anybody who thinks you’re whining should get smacked upside the head because back pain is debilitating and is the root of so many of our problems.
Hope they figure something out…without slicing you open.
Ed
This post seemed like it was going to be a whole lot more fun than it turned out. Still, I have to admire how you almost managed to turn a queasy medical experience into a sex game.
Best of luck on your back,
SK
Suburban Kamikaze wrote..Fair play
Oh, you will totally be fine. They’re nothing. The sounds and grandiosity of scans are far much scarier than the actual dealio. Now, let me get all gay (with kids) (which was not actually a joke about being gay with kids so much as a Southpark reference. Seemed funnier before I wrote it. Hmm. I guess I could delete it. That’d mean backspacing. Yeah, no.) and say Hugs.
Zoeyjane wrote..On the Death of a Cuisinière
I’ve had a few MRIs… rheumatoid arthritis in my lower back and hips and all… last time I fell asleep. Not a big deal. Some places will play music during the process and even let you bring your own tunes. The whole thing is totally painless, almost peaceful. You will be asked to take out various body piercings though. :)
Tara R. wrote..‘…a bunch of pieces of flair’
I hope they make you feel better. Hug.
zandor wrote..Letters to people I don’t know and some that I do
Oh Hon, back pain sucks wet dog fur.
Hope you are on the road to some relief.
Don Mills Diva wrote..Chill pill anyone?
It’s not so bad. Just pretend you’re a donut hole.
NukeDad wrote..Online Medical Degree Part 2: The Musical
Did they really strap you down on that thing? I went through one of those before, but I remember it being more like a big, noisy refrigerator box.
Nicki wrote..Speak up!
Hoping all goes well. I wonder though why such medical equipment is always so phallic looking.
Try not to giggle when you get strapped in and slowly slid into the hole and you pretend you’re a little pecker in a giant whore! Haha.
Seriously though, I hope nothing major is wrong and I hope they can see what it is that is othering you and can easily and painlessly fix it.
Hockeyman wrote..Brain Zaps and Bath
So, I have not had a chance to read all 61 comments, so maybe someone answered the nose ring question. I had to have one on my hip a few months ago. I don’t have a nose ring, but do have a belly button ring (for the record, I have had this baby since way before it suddenly became common place for every women over the age of 35) Anyway, I had to take it out, along with the ones up in my ear cartilage. I never was able to get the tragus one back in right. Now I have to have another MRI this Thursday (only took me 2 days to schedule. Got to love the “I want it now” attitude of the American health system) on my foot. (That is what I get for running a marathon on feet that got big and flat after 4 kids. Damn them.) The laying still totally sucked and I even started hyperventilating. If I were you, I would get a hold of some xanax.
Michelle wrote..The party’s over boys!
Oooh, wish I could be there to hold your hand, hon.
Fawn wrote..If only they could sing…
The CT scan is much quicker than the MRI. I have to have a brain one every 2-3 years.
Back problems totally suck.
Jennifer A wrote..Is there only one 5T jacket in a two state area?
They are not making you remove the nose ring? What is that about? I swear I had to take everything off, my doctor had to give me a script for a valium, yes a script for ONE valium, not even worth the co-pay, it was too mild, I was freaking out in there anyway, but I had to drive myself home, so I couldn’t get a strong one. I hate enclosed spaces unless I make them myself, like my bed nest or a nice tent. Well, I hope they figure out what to do with you after this whole incident.
Micki from Pandora’s Box wrote..Michelle’s Anisette Cookies
Ha-ha!! Sucker!! He thought you were going for an MRI!
Always opt for the CT over the MRI. I have chronic back problems, and MRIs are much more claustrophobic and take foreffingever. No one with back pain should have to lay perfectly still for a half an hour. Ever.
Missives From Suburbia wrote..Over Nine Months
They waved the scoliosis word at me in grade school, too. Boy was that curvy spine a fun thing when the anesthesiologist was trying to put in the epidural… took him an hour! I know you’ve already done it now ’cause I’m THAT far behind in reading, so I’ll just say that I hope it went smoothly and I expect to hear more in the next few posts that I read here in the next few minutes.
Courtney wrote..I Can’t Sleep, So This Is What You Get
You got me at “SERIAL KILLER TOE SUCKING LIVER EATER”!!! OMG I almost had water coming out my nose!
Anyway…I know you already had the scan, but I hope it helps figure out whats wrong!
I’m seeing a chiropractor for the first time tomorrow morning. I have scoliosis (not very bad), but have never had anyone look at it. I have chronic headaches/migraines, and have had horrible pain in my lower back for the last month. And guess what?! My insurance doesn’t cover going to a chiropractor! Oh well, hopefully it will be worth it!!!
Elissa wrote..Needy Friends And Planning Ahead