Nov 19 2008
Wasted Potential, I Tell You What, Man.
Okay, so a CT scan is NOTHING like the Google search hits told me it would be. There are no bindings, leather or otherwise. There are no large, burly people. It doesn’t feel even moderately dangerous. No one yells at you to lay there and take it. Marylin Manson is not bumping through the stereo in a dimly lit room, there isn’t even any lub….
*ahem*
I had a totally freaking coronary about the fact that I had no sitter for my kids. My neighbor had agreed to be “on call” for my 10 year old, and he agreed to be paid $5 to watch his sister while I was gone. Now, I’m a pretty crappy mom, but I haven’t sunk that low just yet. Yet.
So everyone piled in the car with every toy we could cram into a Dora backpack, and off we went to explore the wonders of the Canadian Waiting Room System. Where there were toys, other people, and a wheelchair. Yep, they would be just fine.
So, they called me back and thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster I didn’t bother wearing my sexy underwear, because this is what they handed me to put on.
When they say that one size fits all, they’re not kidding. I could have put everyone in those pants. Hey, did you know that 90% of the time, if you hover over my pictures, a love letter appears? Try it, you’ll like it.
And then, the moment of truth. Also called, the moment I chickened out and could not bring myself to ask for permission to take pictures. Because I try not to be a freak. In real life. Bygones. I climbed onto the table and they slid me into the donut thing that had a shocking lack of powdered sugar on it anywhere, and we began.
You know in that movie Contact, when they finally build the secret alien swirling vortex thing, and Jodi Foster climbs inside of it and it’s all whooooop….whoooop….whoooop until it starts spinning really fast and going whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop then the walls drip away and she is shot headfirst through what I imagine is an exact replica of the inside of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s penis and then she lands in the middle of a Monet painting, on crack, and her dead father is there to greet her or something and then it’s back through the Amazing Technocolor Dream Urethra and *poof*? No one saw a thing but her?
Yeah, it was nothing like that. Except the whooping. There was a lot of that. And they did make me keep my hands over my head the whole time (and Ms. Changes Pants While Driving? SO loving you for the heads up on the pit shave before I left. Really. Excellent tip) There were also laser targets pointing right at my happy trail, which just made me mad on seven different levels, and a sticker over a small window on the very front of the machine that read, “Laser Lights. Do NOT Look Here.”
Oh, those people have GOT to be kidding me. There is no possible way I could have looked at anything else. And if little mutant babies start growing in my eyeballs, I’m totally billing them for the eye-epidural someone is going to have to invent and administer to my eyeballs upon delivery.
And then it was over. In four minutes, start to finish. Now, I have certainly had dates that lasted less time than that, but I think I just expected more, you know? Some sort of pomp, followed by the slightest bit of circumstance? Nope, nothing. I asked the tech if we could do it again 10 more times, so I could milk the silence for all it was worth, and she said no. Meanie. There were more patients to be seen and a waiting room full of people to save from my toddler who had just stopped howling about the time I stepped out of the tube of doom.
On a happy note, I did remember halfway through the CT Scan that I was awfully happy it wasn’t an MRI, because I just don’t think my IUD and those magnets would care much about all that flesh standing inbetween their love. So at least I had that going for me.
Comments close after 14 days. And there's Captcha if you're nasty. 51 Comments to “Wasted Potential, I Tell You What, Man.”
Told. Ya. So.
Zoeyjane wrote..On One Little Monkey Jumping in the Bed
So I’m supposed to come away with this with the knowledge that Andrew Lloyd Webber’s penis is the Tube of Doom?
(heh… I said come)
hee hee hee.
I was laughing before, but now I’m rolling over SciFi Dad’s comment.
rachel wrote..Happy Birthday Princess.
I’m glad it wasn’t as bad as you thought. The picture taking made me think of when I asked my acupuncturist to take a picture of me with all my needles in. She gladly said yes and said you’d be surprised at how many people ask that.
Miss Missie wrote..It’s All Fun and Games Until the Cat Starts Sharting
How, oh how would you even be able to compare anything to the inner workings of ALW’s wang? I wouldn’t even know where to begin imaging that.
Chris wrote..Strange Things Are Afoot At The Circle K
See? Not so bad.
When do you get the results? Hope all is well and will be thinking about you. ;)
OHmommy wrote..O’s Favorite Things
The IUD reference, hysterical.
NOW-please, please tell the secret html code for the ‘hover’ ‘cuz I am all googled out trying to learn it.
TRACI wrote..I Hate It When Wednesday
You have one strange mind, funny, but strange. Andrew Lloyd Weber?! Oh my.
Nearly peed a little after reading SciFi dad’s comment.
I’m glad it wasn’t as awful as you imagined. Hope you get results that are helpful to getting you feeling better!
Ashlie- Mommycosm wrote..Using Google Alerts to monitor your blog’s buzz
Oh, that last comment about your IUD and an MRI made me snort out loud. I’m happy you didn’t have to experience that as well! :) Glad the CT scan was painless and quick - hope you get some good news out of it!
calicobebop wrote..Wordless Wednesday - Homecoming!
Oh my god - the bit about the IUD gave me the shivers. Surely somebody along the way to an MRI would ask about that, right? I always forget I have one. Always. It’s their nature to be forgotten.
Let us know when you find out, ‘kay?
Katherine wrote..Mistake Mittens
Been thinking about you, dear!
xoox Glad it wasn’t so bad. I do have to say, though, that you are sexy in those oversized thing-a-ma-bobs!
SECRET AGENT MAMA wrote..Wordless Wednesday: Portrait Sitting #3
Fabulous narration! I am so glad it wasn’t traumatic.
The eyeball Babies are twins BTW.
:)
jessica wrote..AED.18
Wow, that was easy. However those lasers probably beamed your info to the mothership and you can expect a night time probe visit. Oh wait, that’s just for scientologists.
Hehe, lasers on the happy trail you say…..better get a pregnancy kit. ;)
Hockeyman wrote..Emergency Daddy Date
Oh, those people have GOT to be kidding me. There is no possible way I could have looked at anything else.
I lollerskated.
anne nahm wrote..Kind of like that toast she made at my 30th birthday
Great blow-by-blow - now, I’m just wanting you to do some posting on the Canadian Health Care System - you’ve mentioned it twice as you’ve spoken about your MRI and as a mama from well the US, I’m wondering your (insightful, funny, real) take on things. As you know, our health care battle wages on and on and on…
Lee the MWOB Queen wrote..Computer fairies save me, please!
And MRIs are LOUD. I went into one with my mom once (not INTO it, but beside her) because she is claustrophobic, and I had to wear hearing protection. You got off easy. (no pun intended)
Assertagirl wrote..Blogger Holiday Cookie Party
1. Andrew Lloyd Weber SORTA creeped me out before, now it’s a definite.
2. ….
3. Where is the love letter yo?
MIss Grace wrote..Turns out that cropping my garbage out of pictures is harder than you’d expect
See? easy peasy. You still should have asked for leather.
Jim wrote..Mysteries to Solve…
I’m glad it went well, I remember the MRI on my knee…I nearly fell asleep what with the gentle vibrations from the machine and the pretty music on the headphones they gave me.
Jaina wrote..Shiny Stuff: Part One
brave girl. that was completely open though.
why do they have to make these places look so lackluster and colorless. all white.
anyhoo, hope all is well. i though it was only me who felt something was wrong with her.
i didn’t know your back hurt that much. you never complain about it. guess that’s a brave soul.
like hockeyman’s comment, fun-nee…
You ridicule them now, but I guarantee you’ll be wearing those pants on lazy Sundays soon enough.
If I’m wrong, though, can I have them?
Arjewtino wrote..The Lonely Planet Guide to Arjewtino’s Apartment
thanks for the linky luv! and i actually have a new post up, how often does that happen? glad the shaving thing worked out. i don’t remember anything about the happy trail. i was going to tell you about an injection they gave me… as the guy was giving it to me (some kind of tracer or something) he said “you’re going to feel like you have to go to the bathroom, but you really don’t.” and then i freaked out about peeing on the table. but i didn’t.
I’m not really into musicals and have never seen Contact so the reference to Andrew’s penis went right over my head. I’m glad you’re finally getting answers though.
Melanie @ MelADramatic Mommy wrote..Three Things on Tuesday
Those machines are pretty scary. And looking at the lasers is bad. I looked directly into the beam of a 50 ft walking Eddie at an Iron Maiden concert about 18 years ago and now every time it gets cloudy outside I think I see the Devil.
I can also appreciate that you didn’t want to take pictures in there…might have ruined the camera and you definitely wouldn’t want poeple thinking you were a freak.
Matt wrote..Um. Ahhh….hmm.
Well THAT doesn’t sound so bad at all.
Miss Britt wrote..What Do You Want To Do With Your Life?
Let us know how it all turns out..
Those pants are hot.. :)
Kim wrote..Weekly Winners - My Boy & His Toys
Well, now I know what I want for my 40th birthday (3 years away…I’m all about thinking ahead). Was thinking that a full body CT scan would help me get over the hump of life. Because I’m a hypochondriac. And CT scans don’t seem so scary now.
Hope all is well and you get your results soon. Keep us updated.
Tammy wrote..How did it happen?
See, piece of cake. Hope the results come back quickly.
Tara R. wrote..Random Wednesday ~ spirits
Ahh, a CT scan is the Glenda the Good Witch of the diagnostics family. The real bitch is the MRI, and if you have an issue with small, confined spaces and the MRI tech offers you drugs…take them!
That said, I’ll never look at a CT (or MRI) the same way again. Is it weird that the thought of CT’s now makes me think of a penis? It’s only a matter of time before I forget the ALW thing and every time someone mentions a CT scan, I’ll orgasm. Theoretically fun, unless your working in an ER and 50% of the patients get a CT or MRI. Nobody wants to orgasm with an 80 year old with a hip fracture looking on.
DisgruntledMom wrote..Scream Free Parenting Works. For Some People. Apparently.
Doesn’t sound too bad. Sending good thoughts for the results.
Sending all good thoughts and my spare excellent kharma so that you can find out just what the hell this thing is. Also hoping that it’s very minor. In other news? It’s my Three Year Blogiversary.
apathy lounge wrote..In "dog years" my blog is finally old enough to order a beer.
Did you get a sticker?
Thinking good thoughts!!
Em
P.S. seriously could have lived without the IUD visual - ouch!!
Em wrote..W.W. - When PMS and The Container Store collide.
OH CT, not MRI, sorry about the misunderstanding, I was wondering how you got away with the nose piercing. Yeah CT’s are quick, no valium needed at all. Crazy lasers, not cool at all. I want to name your firstborn if it goes that far.
Micki from Pandora’s Box wrote..Michelle’s Anisette Cookies
You were so right to demand more of that wonderful restricted silence and dude, think of the post fodder you will have when your eyeballs give birth. You will totally have a niche market. I hope.
katie ~ motherbumper wrote..confessional
Harley has had at least two of these. I hope you get some answers.
One Mom’s Opinion wrote..The Big Island #2
I hope it’s fixable with a non-invasive technique, hon.
Missives From Suburbia wrote..Over Nine Months
That machine totally unleashed your inner Bloggess. Cause girl, that was some weird trip the Andrew Lloyd Webber’s penis thing and the birthing eyeballs.
Cause isn’t this a housework blog?
Oh and bite me.
Kelley wrote..Adventures in babysitting
Hope the results help to take away at least some of your pain. That totally sucks, to have it all the time. Fingers crossed.
Linds wrote..We interrupt the non-posting to post a post
Good god - ct’s are a pain in the butt, I am totally in awe that you took the kids with you!!! That is a feat in itself.
Here’s hoping that they figure out what’s causing your pain and you can give that Ibuprofen bottle a rest, I definitely understand…I’m getting my pain fixed in the near future. Hang in there!
Carrie wrote..Grateful
Well, I’m glad that’s over. But sad, for you, that there wasn’t more pomp. Circumstance. Or whatever you were hoping for…
Good times. Hope it gives you some answers. Keep us posted.
flickrlovr wrote..Concert Mania
Wow. Andrew Lloyd Weber’s penis, eh? I’m STILL laughing about that one. And I had a shit day - thanks.
Hope everything turns out to be OK.
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins wrote..New definition of "suckitude"
I had a CT scan for lung cancer, which I didn’t have. I was sedated because it took them two hours to get the needle for the dye in my shy veins. Then I was doing that two-year-old-tries-to-stop-crying thing so they doped me up. I blogged about it. I remember I giiiiiiiggggled when I didn’t pee on the table. I sorta thought you’d enjoy the pee feeling freak out.
Later I had an MRI for brain cancer, which I didn’t have. I blogged about it too. When I found out about the injection that time, about five minutes beforehand, I started drinking beaucoups to be sure my veins were plump. Then I admitted to needle freakouts and discussed my CT injection. “Oh, this dye isn’t nearly as dangerous.” WHAT? It’s dangerous and that other was more dangerous and — THUD.
Anyway, you can worry about the toxic dye in addition to the magnetized radiation and lazer eyes coming your way. You’re sure to come out with some super hero capabilities.
rebecca wrote..No Waste Day Wasted
Can’t wait to see THAT musical make it to broadway. Costume design could be an issue though….going to need lots and lots of foam rubber.
NukeDad wrote..Become A Doctor, Online! Part 3
This is possibly one of my all time favorite posts here, ever! ;o)
Stephanie wrote..Still avoiding my problems. And work, apparently.
Why are you getting a CT scan anyway? Drop me a line.
Gnilleps wrote..How Much Would You Like To Bet My Laundry Doesn’t Actually Get Up And Wash Itself Soon?
andrew lloyd weber’s penis.
i may never be the same.
thinking good thoughts for you anyway….
the planet of janet wrote..Birthday dinner: more fun than a barrel of monkeys
I LOVE that movie. But w.t.f with Matthew M. being a priest and shit?
Ree wrote..Steelhead Red
I’m so glad that it wasn’t that bad? When do you get the results? (I know, I know… I should just keep reading before I comment.)
Courtney wrote..I Can’t Sleep, So This Is What You Get
[...] wonder what a CT scan is like? Funny, I don’t remember any of my CT scans being this [...]
The Andrew Lloyd Webber line KILLED me. Thanks for that. Really.
April wrote..Weekend Wrap-Up