67 years ago today, a baby girl was born in Zanesville, Ohio, who would change my whole life. See, that girl would grow up to be a college student who met a football player, and they totally did it. Three times, in fact. And thanks to her, I have someone to talk shit about on my blog.
My husband is really great. I’m just going to say that now and get it out of the way so he doesn’t kill me when he reads this.
That motherfucker never buys me flowers. EVER. I mean, come on. Three of your spawn carved their initials in the walls of my uterus, homie. Would it kill you to throw a rose my way once in a while?
He’s going to say, “Shut up, ho, I totally give you flowers.” And I’m going to follow that with a, “Whatever, hosehead.” It’s not that he doesn’t ever, really, I guess. It’s just that his delivery is all wrong.
Example: Pick a Valentine’s Day, any Valentine’s Day. The routine is he gets up, has some coffee, opens the fridge, says, “Oh crap, we’re low on milk! I’ll be right back!”, hops in the car and comes home an hour later from Safeway with the very last flower arrangement they had crammed in the back of the cooler right next to the milk, which consists of one near-frozen rose, about 8 tons of baby’s breath, and some asparagus because someone bought all the bamboo stalks. But at least he tried.
But there was this one year, and oh lord, he actually outdid himself. He came home from work the night before my birthday with ohmygod this bouquet of flowers. I can’t even tell you the flowers. The thing was bigger than my torso (no small feat). There were lilies and roses and shit I ain’t nevah seen before. It was actually arranged. The vase was this ginormous round glass bowl, so you could see all the stalks. It was To. Die. For. I don’t think I have ever loved a gift more from him. Like, I called his MOTHER to tell her about it, that’s how happy I was. Like, I’m pretty sure I had sex with him because of it, too. THAT GOOD.
For a few days, I was totally thrilled. I suppose I harped on it a little too much, made too big a deal out of it, was too happy that he’d totally wasted what was obviously a buttload of money on me, because he started trying to disclaimer it, like he was hurt that I was so overly happy about one bouquet of flowers or something. He’d start in with, “Well, I just grabbed it fr…” SHUT UP, DUDE. Do NOT ruin this for me. A bit later he’d say, “It’s just some stupid thing I..” UH UH. No you don’t, fool. He kept it up until one moment, when I didn’t catch him in time, and what does that moron blurt out?
“It was JUST a left-over bouquet from a function at work, that’s all!”
Oh, no he didn’t. He did not tell me that he grabbed something off a table at work and gave it to me as my gift, did he? Yes, yes he did. That was information I could have gone my WHOLE LIFE not knowing. Talk about a buzz kill, yo. I’m pretty sure I un-had sex with him that night.
Point is, though he totally provides for my every need, buys me awesome Christmas gifts, gave me a shiny new laptop just because, and does not throw anything at me when he has to spend his one day a week off washing the laundry I was too busy blogging to get to, he sucks at flowers. And flowers are the key to any woman’s heart, I don’t care who tells you what. Diamonds are for cutting glass, that’s it.
There’s more, but it’s at my review blog, and I’m all about giving you the option to pass on that, so follow if you like, don’t if you don’t, but I actually have a little something to give away, in case you’re interested. And no nudity this time, sorry. Or you’re welcome, depending.
Tagged with: flowers, Marriage, Mother In Law
Surfer Jay
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 1:26“Diamonds are for cutting glass, that’s it.”
(In my most awesome operatic barritone) Hallelujah, hallelujah, ha-lleeee-lu-jaaaaaah!
Oooh, he totally screwed himself on that one. And he even got laid because of those flowers. Well he certainly didn’t get a round two that night.
Ya know I once bought flowers from the illegal alien standing on the corner of the freeway onramp for five bucks. What she doesn’t know….
I find myself only thinking about buying flowers in the past few years, when I was recently in trouble and want to make ammends. Is that wrong or what? Why can’t we just get flowers just because sometimes. And not when we’ve been venomized or found some fancy boucquet leftover from work. Why! We certainly would be getting some more now wouldn’t we.
Surfer Jay wrote..
Kelley
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 2:02MPS only buys me flowers when I have given him the silent treatment for like 2 days. And then it is only the cheap crappy ones left over at the service station (gas station? Whatevz, they suck) full of those look the same 6 months after they are picked Australian natives.
But he buys me chocolate. To help my arse widen. But I am on to him. He is trying to make my arse so big I can’t leave the house.
Kelley wrote..Adventures in babysitting
the donor
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 3:15oh, the bus hurts when it hits you in the back like a knife.
SingleParentDad
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 5:44I am a sporadic flower buying man. Valentines day? No way, too predictable and toooooooo expensive. Randomly on a non-event packaged day, yes, with bells on, or a gift tag anyway.
One of my best friends, who is a wonderful husband, and a very generous one, refuses to buy them. He says they are for funerals and apologies. In fact he has told his wife if she ever gets flowers from him, that it is a signal of infidelity. She hopes she never gets any.
SingleParentDad wrote..So, Who Is Going To Look After Me?
Natalie
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 5:47You’re a slick one. I was all, wtf does this have to do with a 67 year old woman? so I HAD to click over there. OK, so maybe it was obvious, but I’m not SUPPOSED to be up for another two hours and I am not the brightest bulb right now, OKAY?
I can’t even remember when I got flowers last.
And you want to know a secret? I took TWO FUCKING YEARS of floriculture in high school, I could totally rock an arrangement. Well, at least I could have made a corsage fifteen years ago. Not too sure about now.
Natalie wrote..Oops
DC Urban Dad
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 5:59Donor, donor, donor, donor…..
I’m a “just because” flower type of guy. Knew the wife was going to have a hard day today. so last night I bought her some pre-cut fruit for breakfast and a dozen tulips.
I do love the looks I get on the Metro when heading back home with flowers. Most of the mean jealous. The women looking at me as if I did something wrong.
I rarely give flowers for doing something wrong. Nah, I grovel.
DC Urban Dad wrote..Please sir, put down the milkduds
Middle-Aged-Woman
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 6:14Trying very hard to picture “un-sex” so that I can use it when the appropriate occasion arises *snicker* because you know it will.
Middle-Aged-Woman wrote..The Most Important Meal of the Day
Dawn
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 6:32You are soooo not alone in this…I can count on one hand the flowers my DH has bought for me in the 17 years we’ve been together…REally…I would have thought taking the ones from work to give me would be great…he never ever thinks of that.
Tammy
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 6:41That is SO something my husband would do. But I just kill the flowers anyway. It’s kinda turned into a joke. I suck at flowers. I kill them.
I’d much rather have the diamond.
=D
Tammy wrote..I’ve sunk to a whole new level of bad parenting.
tutugirl1345
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 7:09My mom apparently once handed my dad a card with her favorite florist’s number on it, and mentioned that she expects flowers at every occasion, or he can sleep on the couch. Worked like a charm. He calls the florist, tells them the occasion and few flowers he knows she likes, they figure out the rest. Both of them end up happy at the end of the day. May want to take this approach for the next big occasion. :)
tutugirl1345 wrote..Yay for Potlucks
RobMonroe
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 7:26Dear Mr Donor –
Never ever ever reveal something you’ve given the wife/mother/MIL something that you scored for free. I’m totally giving my father a DVD that I got for free by buying printer cartridges at work. He does not need to know that. It’s probably better to not give flowers than to give free ones, and tell her.
Sincerely,
Someone who learned the hard way.
Dear Mr Lady –
It’s okay that you got free flowers, because they were flowers. Any flowers are sex-worthy, even if it was picked on the side of a highway. It goes back to that whole “it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” theory – even if it’s free, at least it’s flowers.
Sincerely,
Someone sho is buying flowers on the way home today, hoping for some ocean motion.
RobMonroe wrote..Countdown to 30 – 1981
Robyn
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 7:47Sounds like the Donor attended the same charm school as my Hubby.
I have SAID (not dropped hints, I’m blatant, not subtle) that a $10 bouquet from the grocery store (unexpected, NOT for V-day) would totally buy him any fantasy he’s ever had. And, he has still not delivered
Robyn wrote..Can you hear me now?
jessica
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 7:54I hereby bestow on your hubby The Stupid Admission Award.
When we get married I will ply you with flowers all the time ok?
jessica wrote..AED.20
NukeDad
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 8:01Isn’t that like when Wil Farrell tried to re-gift the breadmaker back to the person who gave it to him in “Old School”?
Mr. Lady, I agree that you have reason to be upset, but cut him some slack. There was obviously a toxic waste spill at work that day that effected his cognitive motor skills and ability to reason.
Donor, Dude! A torso sized bouquet of flowers? You could have milked that all week! You could have gone for the hat trick! Oh, well; bridges burned, I guess
NukeDad wrote..It’s Called Character
kd@abitsquirrelly
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 8:49My husband stopped giving me flowers when I complained about getting roses. I know I am a bitch, but roses are so cliche’ and I am an Iris and tulip girl at heart.
kd@abitsquirrelly wrote..Thankful Thursday: Hesitant Happiness
Ashlie- Mommycosm
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 8:55My husband sucks at flowers too. Actually, he just plain sucks at gifts in general. Good thing he’s a nice guy otherwise, is a good cook and he makes cute kids.
Is it possible to un-have sex with someone?!
Ashlie- Mommycosm wrote..Haiku Friday: KD
dawn
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 9:05OMG!!! un-sex!!! hahahahahahaha That had me laughing so hard the coffee almost came outta my nose. HAHAHAAHA
dawn
dawn wrote..Today is the day!!!!
Expat Mom
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 9:06Ouch. Well, my guy doesn`t get me flowers either. His mom does, for me, on my birthday, but not him. He actually got me flowers once. ONCE! In six years. :( Oh, and Christmas gifts? Shoes. Every year I get shoes.
Expat Mom wrote..Excuse Me, I Think I`m Lost, Can You Help Me?
Kim
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 9:07I just commented over there —>
but I just saw the donors comment.. :)
Kim wrote..I have never been a TEE HEE girl but ..
Lo
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 9:07hahahaha first???? you rock.
okay and my husband never ever gets me flowers. he says they’re a waste of money.
you’d think he’d learn after 4 years that HELLO, you want to get a gauranteed lay? buy flowers. done.
Jim
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 9:15Oh. My. God. I may be a dude, but I know when something is just wrong. Dude, just give them and shut up about it next time.
Jim wrote..Blank Comment Panic + a shout out and an award
Angella
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 9:26I need to figure out how to un-have sex with my hubby on those days where he messes up.
You crack me up, girl.
Angella wrote..I don’t mind you saying My name, but not after you stub your toe
Katherine
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 9:41Mark spends every Saturday doing all the laundry too. That’s kinda funny.
Katherine wrote..Mistake Mittens
Ree
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 9:41You don’t sing me love songs…
Ree wrote..Steelhead Red
Gaby
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 9:59My husband is great at either telling me how much he spent on the flowers he bought (rare occurrence–usually happens on my birthday, if then) OR telling me that he was going to buy me flowers, but decided against it! Why would you tell someone that you were thinking of buying them flowers and then decided not to?! I get that whole “it’s the thought that counts,” but seriously, who means that?! *sigh*
Kate
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 10:10There have been a few notable occasions when my Hubby has bought me flowers:
Valentine’s Day 2002 – I was pregnant with our first child and he sent me a huge bouquet of tulips to work and I grinned all day.
July 2006 – I had found a kitten online that I was desperate to adopt (he was perfect and I totally bonded with his picture), but I had to go out of town that weekend and when I got home Monday he had been adopted. I. was. heartbroken. to say the least. Tears and everything. Hubby brought me flowers, even tho he hadn’t really wanted another cat yet, because he knew I’d be sad.
And my birthday this year. :)
All in all, enough times to be remembered, but not often enough to expect them.
Kate wrote..Proof
amy
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 10:17zanesville- dude. I grew up near there. love it! loved the post.
amy wrote..With the dawn of redeeming grace
Lee the MWOB Queen
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 10:21It’s tough to admit it but I too like flowers and my man is deficient in that category. I’d like to think I’m this strong chick who knows better than to get all focused on something as lame as flowers that will wilt and smell in like three days, but I do like flowers.
And the flowers rarely come. Or the cards. I like cards too.
Diamonds? I’m with you. Who gives a shit…I’m not a jewelry person…I’m an emotional person who needs flowers and cards.
Wow – that was really hard to admit. This was just like a mini-therapy session for me.
Happy Friday.
Lee the MWOB Queen wrote..The journey makes us one.
Choch
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 10:28You are sooo the better daughter!! All I did was call her :) Of course I am trying to save up to give her another grandbaby……….of course she doesnt need one!!!!! Love ya!!! Kick ass flowers :)
Choch wrote..Due for life changing event?
bluestreak
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 10:38I love this post, so funny. I never ever get flowers from my husband. Ever. Or gifts. yeah, I´m bitter. But I´m getting over it.
I love that he snagged the work flowers to give you for your birthday. So damn funny.
P.S. I gave you an award. It might seem surprising cause I never get to your posts in time to comment before the comments section closes, but I really do love your blog.
bluestreak wrote..Effort to change my karma
MIss Grace
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 11:08The only time a boy has ever bought me flowers, it was because he was trying to win me back after cheating on me.
That’s it.
The one time.
My mom bought me some for graduation, but I frankly do not think that should count.
MIss Grace wrote..New CafePress Designs
Zak
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 11:41Word. My husband does the exact same thing on Valentine’s Day. And he calls me and says, “I will be home in ten. I have to stop at the grocery store and get your flowers. And a card.” Uggh…don’t bother!
Zak wrote..Miscellaneous
tracey
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 12:35DUDE!!! What is WRONG with him?? He could have used that for months of great sex and ended up screwing HIMSELF instead.
Men. Honestly, they have about 8 brain cells sometimes…
I have FINALLY convinced my husband that I like to get flowers. That I like spontaneous roses from gas stations “just because”. He FINALLY gets it. It took forever, though.
ONE time, he was trying so hard, it was our 3rd anniversary. He bought me 3 dozen roses. From a REAL flower shop. Only problem? We were leaving for vacation the next day… Sigh. I had to ask my mother to come over and water the hundred dollars (or more?) worth of fancy roses in our BATHROOM. I had to keep them in there so my cats (who are so much FUN) wouldn’t eat them.
good memories…
tracey wrote..Responsible? Me?
Tara R.
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 12:47The last bouquet I got was edible… chocolate covered fruit all arranged ‘real purty’ in a nice vase. That is the kind of bouquet I’d take any day.
Tara R. wrote..Talkin’ smack
cloudy
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 13:07I get the same shitty Safeway bouquet every year and when he takes me out to lunch, he uses the joint credit card. sigh.
cloudy wrote..ABOUT ME
Linds
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 13:37LMAO, Mr. Lady! Being currently single, I buy myself flowers. I always get the kind I like, too! ;)
My last boyfriend used to bring me flowers and surprise giftys all the time. It was super great, but didn’t make up for the fact that the rest of it wasn’t there. Take note, Donor, you will approach the designation of Perfect Man if you start bringing flowers!
Linds wrote..Thursday Thirteen – My No. 14 – 13 Symptoms of Depression
Daisy
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 13:44Okay, so I feel you on that, “It’s just a thing I picked up off a table at work” thing. But I also have the added bonus of having my first flowers from my husband be stolen from a gas station. That is some teenage love right there! Of corse since then I got the work flowers – mine were silk and in this weird basket with prongs on the bottom, kind of like you would use at a grave site so it would stay. He has actually made the effort on occasion and purchased flowers, but never have I had the delivery experience. Good luck. Maybe the blog will be a good push in the right direction?
Daisy wrote..Digital T.V.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 13:59I used to be the envy of all of my co-workers back in the day. But somehow when those kidlets came along and them cash flow disappeared (along with BJs), the flowers quit coming.
Though I did get some for our 10 year anniversary. But that’s all i got.
*tear*
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] wrote..Dear Oprah: A Vlog
My Name is Cat
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 14:27I’m so not a flower girl, so I rarely get them, but often times I’ll walk into my room to find a nice little piece of chocolate sitting on my pillow.
My Name is Cat wrote..The Job
tom
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 14:44Thanks for the tip. Our five-year-anniversary is coming up, and I just now scratched “grab leftover flowers from conference room” off my list. Now, where did you say those roses were at Safeway? By the milk?
tom wrote..Crisis!
Jen
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 14:46When will guys learn that they should just smile and say “you’re welcome”.
I always wondered what that limp asparagus was doing next to the pink tulips!
Jen wrote..Tagged!
thedemigod
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 14:53Hot as he may be, I have to side with you on this one. He was being a doo doo head.
But he’s still hot.
:P
thedemigod wrote..My Big Debut
Diane
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 15:19The donor messed up. The worst part was that you thought he rocked in the thoughtful, flower department. Ugh….
I love flowers, my hubby gives me flowers a few times a year just to make me happy.
Diane wrote..The Big Island #2
miko564
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 15:30The first time I ever bought flowers for a woman, the store clerk smiled at me and said “So what did you do?”
WTF?!
Just because I was buying them to apologize for something, you don’t have to assume that…bitch.
Yeah, Donor, flowers for no reason are a great way to get laid during the week…
miko564 wrote..Us and Them, or Are We Them?
Xbox4NappyRash
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 16:02Flowers are EVERYWHERE here, so I do flowers a lot.
I started having them delivered to her office, and her colleagues started reading the cards…
…so I started swearing on the cards.
Meh, I found it amusing.
Xbox4NappyRash wrote..Does this make me look fat?
Jaina
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 16:57He didn’t! Are you serious? He must’ve felt SO guilty cause you loved them so much. How sad that he told you :( I haven’t gotten flowers in a while, but the bf gets nice ones. Arranged. By HIM! (I know, he’s fabulous, right?)
I hope he surprises you with flower for no reason sometime.
Jaina wrote..Please pray for my Uncle Don
1sttimedad
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 20:35Here’s the thing — flowers just die! I like your husband, I understand you WANT flowers, but I just don’t see the point to giving you something THAT IS JUST GOING TO DIE!!!! I might as well bury the $50 in the backyard …
But the ‘bought-me-flowers-for-no-reason’ lay is pretty good. Just doesn’t happen very often (Ok, like never).
1sttimedad wrote..New Zealand creating good parents
1sttimedad
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 20:36How do I edit my picture? That’s effin’ ridiculous …
1sttimedad wrote..New Zealand creating good parents
Zoeyjane
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 20:50I lsot my witty thing when I read Xbox’s comment. I’m so going to start doing that to all of my friends.
Zoeyjane wrote..On Being A Ho Ho Ho (er)
Missives From Suburbia
Friday, 21 November, 2008 at 21:15My husband used to be amazing at flowers, but I think that’s because we were wildly wealthy when we lived in San Francisco (you have to be to live there), so plopping down your credit card with your favorite florist really took no effort whatsoever. Now that I’m not working, he’s definitely fallen back on the asparagus/rose/baby’s breath thing, and he only does that when he needs to apologize. Apology flowers are the WORST kind of flowers, so I’ve asked him to stop buying them. I prefer to cut glass, personally.
Missives From Suburbia wrote..Suburban Obsessions #29 — Boogie SuperStar