I fancy myself a nice person. I’m a benefit of the doubt kind of girl, I am not one to raise my voice in public, I have an underdeveloped sense of road rage. If you cut me off in line, I’ll typically just assume that you’ve got something fairly urgent going on. I’m kind of a doormat, truth be told.
However, the onset of my advanced age has brought a few changes to my proverbial doorstep. With who I am. I went from having A chin hair to having ALL the chin hair. My moustache doesn’t suck, either. I’m getting Cherry Angioma all fucking over my body, and my hair is coming in gray. ALL OF THEM. You know how your hair looks if you go a few days without a shower? Mine normally looks like that about 12 hours after my shower. Now, it just always looks like that. It’s stringy and greasy and motherfucking gray. My 9-days-long-just-like-clockwork period is now a two-weeks-long-whenever-it-damn-well-feels-like-it period, and it usually feels like it right after I’ve blown the entire bank account on pregnancy tests.
Oh, and I suddenly have PMS for the first time in my life.
My old PMS manifested itself in nesting. My house is never cleaner that the week and a half after I ovulate. Lately, though, not so much.
I am blaming this shift in hormones and attitude for the fact that I tore some woman a knew asshole at my kids’ school today. See, we have this drop-off/pick-up lane at the school that is a no-stop zone. You can’t park there, you can’t walk there. You drop your kids at the curb and move on. No one ever follows this rule.
Of course, we’ve had 100 billion cm of snow, and the school district kind of forgot to plow the school before it started after winter break, so this already narrow, weird, straight uphill drop off zone is now a sheet of snowy ice and hardly wide enough for one car.
Naturally, some fucking moron decides that today, in the pouring rain, she should park her minivan half-way up the hill and go get her kids. I could see my kids at the top on the curb, where they should be, waiting and getting soaked. I waved, they waved, and they stayed put until that car moved and we could all get up the hill. 10 minutes later, after 10 cars piled up behind us blocking the main street and a city bus, she returned. I was fuming. She got in her car and tried to drive off, but what was in front of her? ANOTHER parked car, a Ford sedan, this one at a 45 degree angle, so no one who didn’t know how to drive in the snow stood a chance of getting around it. Minivan mom tried to inch her way around that car, but couldn’t figure it out, so she just got out of her car and climbed in the back with her kids. After 5 more minutes, she got back in the drivers’ seat, tried again, and got around the Ford. Eventually. Very slowly.
The car in front of me goes around the Ford, no problem, and so did I. (Nice tense switch there, huh? I can writes good.) The 10 more cars that are backed up on the street, and the now TWO city buses that are blocked start to move. We pull up to our kids, and by now they are dripping and shivering. They start getting in the car, and I’m pissed. I look up and see some woman walk past me, grab her keys, and point them at the Ford. The trunk pops open. This is my moment. Am I man or amoeba? What do I do?
I rag out all of her ass is what I do.
I unroll my window, open the car door, take off my seatbelt, lean my head out of the door and turn it all the way around all Linda Blair style, and as loudly as I can I say to her back, “Are you aware this is a no parking zone?” She turns around and puts her hand up, like “talk to the hand” puts her hand up, and that was it. BOOM.
“Are you also aware that you held up TWENTY CARS and TWO CITY BUSES? It took me TWENTY FIVE MINUTES to get around your car. My kids are SOAKED. This is a NO PARKING ZONE. Do not ever, ever park here again.”
She says Sorrrrrrrryyyyyyy. I say “DON’T PARK HERE.” She starts saying something that begins with “I just…” and a gave her a nice, loud whatever and drove away.
I have never, ever done anything even close to that before in my whole freaking life. I don’t even know who I am anymore. The worst part? I wrote the PTA president to bitch that there is never anyone out there directing traffic even though we have an entire committee dedicated solely to directing traffic, and guess what? I’ve officially unquit the PTA. I’m now directing traffic two mornings and two afternoons a week and organizing the parents who I will force to help me with this.
Seriously, do you want my uterus? THREE TIMES NOW, it’s landed me a spot on the PTA. Fucker hates me, and I’m breaking up with it.
Tagged with: PMS, pta
MrsFwith4
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 17:17I am SOOOO with you on the hairy thing. Age does not bring wisdom, merely more to shave. I prefer to think of the new whiskers as misplaced eyebrow hairs. Well, it makes me feel better. A bit.
It does NOT however, help with the other perimenopausal absentmindedness that saw me whisking around the (only) local grocery store last week with a boob hanging out. Entirely. Nipple and all. Apparently my new miracle push-up bra pushed them up a little tooooo far.
The rage thing – I WISH I could do that, but I come over all English and stiff-upper (slightly hairy) lippish.
Nichole
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 17:33I have had this same f*ing problem the last few months. I can’t seem to bite my tongue like I once did. The pizza dude, the parks ‘n rec lady, the mail carrier…they’ve all gotten an ear full. I used to be nice. What happened?! I think you were totally justified in letting this bitch know she was dumb and inconsiderate. Maybe she’ll attempt to use her brain next time.
Nichole wrote..I think I have Schizofrania
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 17:34YES! Put that dumb bitch in her place! You probably would have heard the other parents cheering for you, ‘cept their windows were rolled up against the cold rain.
PoorBrokeMama
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 17:38I’m sorry, I just had to park there as I had been called by the school.
My little boy caught his wee fingers in the door while holding it open for the 7 year old girl he has a secret crush on.
He had one of his asthma attacks and they had to get me to bring his medicine as soon as possible.
I’m sorry again.
PoorBrokeMama wrote..A tragic demise
badness jones
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 18:43You go! I’m sorry that you got stuck on the PTA, but I’m glad you gave that woman what she had coming. It’s like those people think that the only children that matter are their own!
badness jones wrote..I suppose it’s to be expected
SciFi Dad
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 19:05But, don’t you feel SO much better than if you hadn’t uncorked on that broad?
SciFi Dad wrote..Sleeping With Music
Courtney
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 19:20Good for you for saying something! I’m far too much of a pansy to say anything even though I get REAL ticked off about it. I just mutter and curse from inside my car.
Courtney wrote..Book Review: Who By Fire, by Diana Spechler
Audubon Ron
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 19:47Yeah Mama, take names, kick butt, I want to see blood on the carpet when I get there.
*Ahem* I really like that older woman look ya know. Yeah baby. If gray, it may. See what I’m say’in?
Hey, I’m liking it sassy.
Hit me, beat me, make me feel real.
Good for you!
Talk to the hand? Oh no, she didn’t. Talk to the hand?
Uterus, not so much.
But shit, I’m loving that Rambo side.
NOW, I’m loving you big. Before not so big. I thought it was big, but THIS is REALLY big. I knew you had mass quantities of SASSY!
That bitch don’t know who you are apparently. You’re the Blogher Diva.
Who-Wa, kick ass. Take it home woman and don’t make me get involved. Oh, I’m on it.
You’re my Babe-ra-ham-lincoln. Know that?
I want to have your baby.
My little 100 lb woman was pumping gas and this car pulled up blasting loud rap music. She hates that. My little 100 lb woman snatched his keys from the ignition and threw them on the roof of the gas station.
Oh yeah baby, I was Ronnie on the spot defending her decision. I’m standing up for my baby.
You know, you’re making real progress. You’re all the way babe.
Alison
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 19:50Whatever. You’re my hero. I want to do that. I guess I did fire a teacher in the middle of his class. God, that felt good. :) I don’t think it’s a bad thing to harness your inner rage. It’s liberating. Except when it lands you back on a board or committee or something…
Alison wrote..My Dog
moo
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 21:01I’m so proud of you for saying something to her!!
I think if I’d been THAT mad, I would’ve taken a picture, including her license plate, and reported her to the cops.
because I can be a bitch like that.
moo wrote..FUCK. maybe.
Kelley
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 21:18You are hawt.
totally.
Kelley wrote..A bit of education thanks to the Damn Emos while I recover from the awesomness and sleeplessness of the last few days.
Jim
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 22:09She had that coming. Twice. Complete with releasing her parking brake and rolling it driverless down the hill. That’s just me though….
Jim wrote..The First Kiss and Other Stuff Too!
Twenty Four At Heart
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 22:45Shit like that pisses me off. Listen, if your uterus is making you join the PTA you HAVE to get rid of it. I’m not kidding. The PTA can fuck up your whole life. All those hormonal bitchy women ….
Oops, I didn’t mean YOU! :)
Twenty Four At Heart wrote..Calling All Couch Potatoes
stephanie parnell
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 7:34My husband doesn’t have a uterus and just got suckered into PTA. He is a teacher and was so happy to finally be working at a school that doesn’t require their staff to be on PTA. And then there was that one day that he was the only 8th grade teacher in his class room during lunch, and he got suckered into volunteering to be on the board for PTA. ughhhhh!
Marge
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 8:41Big Nelson Laugh for you. Sucker!
We have the traffic bitch from hell at our school and she’s out there getting in people’s faces all day. I used to despise her for her “let’s keep moving” and “closer to the curb, Mom” crap. She calls every driver (even the dads) “Mom” and wears her little walkie talkie like a badge of honor. Really though, she saves us all from having more of those hormone-induced moments.
I can totally see you as the traffic bitch. You have the glare from hell and a nice loud yelling voice. And I love the way that you can make any benign word sound like “fuck” if you want to. Go get ‘em!
Marge wrote..YAK
raino
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 9:47good for you mr lady! i can always ask our school principle to go on over to your kids school and direct traffic. she’s certainly have sent that lady on her way IN A BIG HURRAY!
Miss Ash
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 9:58I’m proud of you!!!
Thank you for the inspiration.
I’ve got some heads to chew.
Miss Ash wrote..This is the life!!
tena
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 10:08Ok that’s fucking hilarious- I’ve been in the same unrest state- haven’t thought of blaming it on hormones, just stress and depression- now I can add hormones- I have the SAME period issues!!!
1sttimedad
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 10:12I guess the holidays are over, eh. Some people just deserve it though …
1sttimedad wrote..A stay-at-home Dad
Cori
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 11:52Two words. Awe.Some.
I can’t wait until my kid is old enough to go to school so I can drink all day….ahem, I mean join the PTA. It’ll give me something to do.
Cori wrote..Bringing it back home
SECRET AGENT MAMA
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 12:07DUDE! You did good. Sometimes it just feels good to unleash on the stupid.
mn
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 12:21the periods line…..been there, going through it, made me chuckle out loud. almost spilled the fine Lipton tea I was enjoying.
i sort of need a visual graphic on that whole school traffic thing so i can follow you. that’s just how i am otherwise you lost me at hello….but i got the picture.
eh, school traffic sucks. my kids’ school, they make kids enter different doors. my two kids can’t even enter through the front door. the school is in a neighborhood, so like people are leaving from work and parents are dropping off and it’s like a big circle. and it’s so messed up. so good luck in your new job.
i like you being nice. i hope you don’t change. i have no doubt that you stand up when you need to and that’s how i am too.
Jaina
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 12:24OMG, I’m glad you said something to her. I can’t believe some people who think they are the only one in the center of the universe. The lack of thought for others really sickens me.
Jaina wrote..New Year’s Goals
Ree
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 16:42Use it babe. As long as you use it for good, things will be better in the world!
Fuckhead bitch had it coming, I say.
Ree wrote..Back Tomorrow
super mama
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 16:52Okay, this totally proves my point that all of us “nice” people need lil “happy” pills just to deal with the crazies. If people would just use their heads sometimes, and get off them selves then things might be a lil better. Unfourtanatly no one ever inforces the rules anymore…sad! Good luck, and that doche bag totally deserved it, even if she didn’t get the point. Hopefully you and your group succed, go get em’ chica! :)
super mama wrote..Snowshoeing
Petra
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 19:43I am so with you on being a non confrontational person that all of a sudden decides to give people a piece of her mind. For me, it only comes on if anyone fucks with my kids. All of a sudden I am an uber scary bitch with claws and fangs and I open a can of whoop ass on the sorry fucker that chose to mess with my spawn.
Well, you know, I tell them to “cut it out.”
Petra wrote..Tagged by DC Urban Dad – Fun Photo Meme
Country-Fried Mama
Thursday, 8 January, 2009 at 20:16My inner bitch has certainly come out since having kids. I do not hesitate to speak my mind if someone messes with my girls, and I do not censor myself. Beware the mama bear.
Country-Fried Mama wrote..When in Dixie, do as the Dixie chicks do
BusyDad
Friday, 9 January, 2009 at 12:57I am so tempted to park in your zone. Just so you can lay down the law and get all police brutality on my arse.
BusyDad wrote..Urrrgh…
Angela
Friday, 9 January, 2009 at 13:31I heart you. Really, I do. I’m to lazy to go off on anyone. I just pay the $55 a week to send my kid to the after school program, so one of us can pick her up at our leisure. Our PTO actually drew a map with arrows and everything and sent it out before school started, and it is still a total cluster f**k.
Bygones.
Shutter Bitch
Friday, 9 January, 2009 at 16:44I think your uterus needs to go off on the PTA recruiter who keeps roping you into it. You asked about the committee that is in charge of directing traffic. You didn’t ask to BE ON the committee. Make them do their jobs. Don’t do it for them.
P.S. I love you. Will you come yell at some people for me?
Shutter Bitch wrote..My Own Bucket List
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
Friday, 9 January, 2009 at 20:20I’m utterly non-confrontational. I do enjoy leaving nasty notes for people. But I never have.
I need to grow some balls.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] wrote..Wordless 1.7.9: Three Candles