I fancy myself a nice person. I’m a benefit of the doubt kind of girl, I am not one to raise my voice in public, I have an underdeveloped sense of road rage. If you cut me off in line, I’ll typically just assume that you’ve got something fairly urgent going on. I’m kind of a doormat, truth be told.
However, the onset of my advanced age has brought a few changes to my proverbial doorstep. With who I am. I went from having A chin hair to having ALL the chin hair. My moustache doesn’t suck, either. I’m getting Cherry Angioma all fucking over my body, and my hair is coming in gray. ALL OF THEM. You know how your hair looks if you go a few days without a shower? Mine normally looks like that about 12 hours after my shower. Now, it just always looks like that. It’s stringy and greasy and motherfucking gray. My 9-days-long-just-like-clockwork period is now a two-weeks-long-whenever-it-damn-well-feels-like-it period, and it usually feels like it right after I’ve blown the entire bank account on pregnancy tests.
Oh, and I suddenly have PMS for the first time in my life.
My old PMS manifested itself in nesting. My house is never cleaner that the week and a half after I ovulate. Lately, though, not so much.
I am blaming this shift in hormones and attitude for the fact that I tore some woman a knew asshole at my kids’ school today. See, we have this drop-off/pick-up lane at the school that is a no-stop zone. You can’t park there, you can’t walk there. You drop your kids at the curb and move on. No one ever follows this rule.
Of course, we’ve had 100 billion cm of snow, and the school district kind of forgot to plow the school before it started after winter break, so this already narrow, weird, straight uphill drop off zone is now a sheet of snowy ice and hardly wide enough for one car.
Naturally, some fucking moron decides that today, in the pouring rain, she should park her minivan half-way up the hill and go get her kids. I could see my kids at the top on the curb, where they should be, waiting and getting soaked. I waved, they waved, and they stayed put until that car moved and we could all get up the hill. 10 minutes later, after 10 cars piled up behind us blocking the main street and a city bus, she returned. I was fuming. She got in her car and tried to drive off, but what was in front of her? ANOTHER parked car, a Ford sedan, this one at a 45 degree angle, so no one who didn’t know how to drive in the snow stood a chance of getting around it. Minivan mom tried to inch her way around that car, but couldn’t figure it out, so she just got out of her car and climbed in the back with her kids. After 5 more minutes, she got back in the drivers’ seat, tried again, and got around the Ford. Eventually. Very slowly.
The car in front of me goes around the Ford, no problem, and so did I. (Nice tense switch there, huh? I can writes good.) The 10 more cars that are backed up on the street, and the now TWO city buses that are blocked start to move. We pull up to our kids, and by now they are dripping and shivering. They start getting in the car, and I’m pissed. I look up and see some woman walk past me, grab her keys, and point them at the Ford. The trunk pops open. This is my moment. Am I man or amoeba? What do I do?
I rag out all of her ass is what I do.
I unroll my window, open the car door, take off my seatbelt, lean my head out of the door and turn it all the way around all Linda Blair style, and as loudly as I can I say to her back, “Are you aware this is a no parking zone?” She turns around and puts her hand up, like “talk to the hand” puts her hand up, and that was it. BOOM.
“Are you also aware that you held up TWENTY CARS and TWO CITY BUSES? It took me TWENTY FIVE MINUTES to get around your car. My kids are SOAKED. This is a NO PARKING ZONE. Do not ever, ever park here again.”
She says Sorrrrrrrryyyyyyy. I say “DON’T PARK HERE.” She starts saying something that begins with “I just…” and a gave her a nice, loud whatever and drove away.
I have never, ever done anything even close to that before in my whole freaking life. I don’t even know who I am anymore. The worst part? I wrote the PTA president to bitch that there is never anyone out there directing traffic even though we have an entire committee dedicated solely to directing traffic, and guess what? I’ve officially unquit the PTA. I’m now directing traffic two mornings and two afternoons a week and organizing the parents who I will force to help me with this.
Seriously, do you want my uterus? THREE TIMES NOW, it’s landed me a spot on the PTA. Fucker hates me, and I’m breaking up with it.
Tagged with: PMS, pta
BBD
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 1:46I want to say this as an individual who drops kids off at school, not as a man bitching about women, but as an individual. An individual who spends a lot of time surrounded by women with small children. The magnitude of entitlement that some of these mothers walk around with is insane. I take care of little kids day in and day out also, I wash dishes and do laundry, and blah, blah, blah…. If I tried to get away with some of the shit these women pull, I’m sure I’d wake up castrated, or shot by husbands who just don’t want to listen to their wives go on about the asshole at the schoolyard….
BBD wrote..A Little Snow.
nonna
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 2:36you go girl! hormones suck, but at least you’re not a door mat anymore :) i must say i have cussed ppl out for way less infractions. i used to have serious road rage. now it’s just moderate. FYI, don’t ever try to steal a parking spot from me or tail gate me. i have been known to give you a break check for that :)
yeah, i’m evil.
and i also just spent another 2 hours cleaning tonight. (like that transition? smooth huh?) yeah me! i totally wouldn’t have done it if i didn’t have a bunch of bloggers expecting results tomorrow. my hubby should be kissing all of your asses :)
nonna wrote..tada!! tuesday
the planet of janet
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 3:04oh THANK you. you have just described something i want to do every freakin’ day, but apparently i’m a wuss.
and you aren’t.
the planet of janet wrote..I hear the quadriceps singing
Veronica
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 4:23It’s nice to know that one day I might grow (hormone induced) balls too.
Veronica wrote..All Shiny Clean Now
Mrs. Who
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 5:32Nobody would DREAM of parking in the drop-off lane at my school because the teachers on bus duty would leap down their throat. Don’t y’all have teachers on bus duty out there in that freezing cold? Oh. It’s just us?
Mrs. Who wrote..But What Will I Do For The Other 364 Days?
Miss Britt
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 7:00DAYUM, and I thought my “oh, you only get 14 days off between periods now, sorry” uterus was a bitch.
But she makes me QUIT the PTA, not join.
Miss Britt wrote..How Miss Britt Redecorates Her House And Makes A Dramatic Impact – A Photo Essay
My Name is Cat
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 7:41I HATE! HATE! HATE! when people think the rules don’t apply to them. They think I’ll just stop here and run in to get whatever so I don’t have to park all the way over there and get wet. Well what about every one else?
As I get older, I have much less patience with this kind of crap too. All I can say to you is good job.
My Name is Cat wrote..
Kel
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 7:51HA – you go! There is definitely something to be said about advancing age and hormones, they sure kick in with a vengance…I just wish I could find some patience.
~K
MidLifeMama
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 7:52Oh the joys of the freedom that perimenopausal hormonal shifts bring. And if you think I am out of my head calling it what it is, THAT IS WHAT IT IS. You my dear, are one of the gang. Welcome.
MidLifeMama wrote..Oh the humanity
Kim
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 8:19I got pissed reading this.. I cannot imagine actually living through it..
and man.. i laughed out loud reading the stock in pregnancy tests.. I too have had the cycle changing and I have bought a box of pregnacy tests every dang week since July.. oh how I cannot wait to get these tubes tied..
and high five on telling that bitch off.
Kim wrote..Wordless Wednesday- Mom, I want to wallk alone
Michelle
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 8:19Good for you! I’d have torn her a new one too.
Michelle wrote..Random Tuesday Thoughts
Jill
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 8:39Good for you! I can’t stand people who have no concept that they’re actions effect other people. This woman may have been in a hurry, may have had soemthing urgent to deal with, but there’s just no excuse for people behaving that way then not taking responsibility for it.
Jill wrote..And then there were two
Chris O
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 8:47The menopause dance has started. Raging hormones and irregular periods is what started for me. About 6 months of that and then it stopped. I thought I had a couple of hot flashes but it was just me sleeping too close to Radiator Man. Now I don’t have periods, I don’t have mood swings, I feel great like a weight has been lifted off me.
Of course those 6 months of rage at the world and periods that came every 2 wks and lasted a week was the worst. Cramping like that I’d never had since high school.
Now people like me again since the “change of life” as my mother used to call it.
Perhaps there is a lapel pin to let others identify you like the initials, HH, Hormones in Hell
This way people will see you coming and Head for the Hills!
Chris O wrote..I’ve lost it
Catherine
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 8:53I have this personal rant that Americans don’t know how to queue. You live in Canada, you know it’s true. Unless there is a rope guiding us, we will form a swarm and then all rush for the next available cashier/teller. So, I feel ya.
I especially enjoy the people who disregard the posted rules. A few years ago we were at the rec center in the kids climbing area. It says “NO FOOD”. I assume this is because babies crawl around in there and will put whatever they find in their mouths. Yet, there was a flock of mothers eating goldfish RIGHT UNDER THE SIGN. I said something like oh since you’re sitting under the sign you probably couldn’t see it. They said they did. Then Elliot asked why there were people eating snacks in there since he wasn’t allowed to have a snack in there. And I very loudly said, “I don’t know sweetie, some people just think the rules aren’t for them.” Fortunately, that did NOT win me a spot on the rec center board. I fear I too will be in the PTO.
Catherine wrote..A New Love
AndreAnna
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 9:17Isn’t it funny how our cajones get bigger with each child I have. This is why I have stopped at two children. Any more and I wouldn’t be able to wear pants.
AndreAnna wrote..Advice to my son
Angella
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 9:22Want to come to the Okanagan and tear a new anus of the dude who parked across THREE parking spaces, forcing me to park two blocks away and traipse through knee-deep snow school with two pre-schoolers?
Two days later and I’m still choked. I should have just done what you did :)
Lynette
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 9:28And here I was thinking I was the only person who’s period came whenever the fuck it wants to. Hmph.
I’ve been there, done that (and scared the crap out of some stupid parent who DARED to contradict me).
Lynette wrote..I don’t owe you anything
Vic
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 9:39There are pills and funny devices you can use to help with that whole uterus thing. Well, maybe not with the volunteering you for the PTA. Perhaps you could rent it out for a while, just until you want/need it back. lol
Vic wrote..Vic the Vampire
Betsey Booms
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 9:58It’s okay, I’ve been told I actually have an irritable uterus, which in turn makes me mostly irritable too.
Betsey Booms wrote..VH-1, Here I Come
jessica
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 10:05Wow.
I would have gotten out of my car to speak to her face to face. And I would have cursed a lot more.
And then I would have gotten a little red candle, drawn a little picture of her and her stupid car, and cursed her with a two week Aunt Flo visitation every month for a whole year.
You are much less evil than I am. I salute you for being a good person.
jessica wrote..Cactus Monday One-and-a-Half Edition
Lee the MWOB Queen
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 10:09Oh dude, sometimes it just HAS to happen.
I won’t bore you with my own traffic nightmares that happen on our street on a daily basis but suffice it to say I almost got my ass kicked by an irate speeding maniac dude in front of my own house with two kids in tow. When he was screaming back at me, I was questioning whether I should have started the whole mess but sometimes the mama bear just gets up and roars to protect her young.
And of course, stupid people doing idiotic things in general drives me MAAAADDDDD!
I say right on sister!!
Lee the MWOB Queen wrote..Quote of the Morning
Darla
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 10:16You are my H.E.R.O I hate stupid people!
Darla wrote..If I knew…
April
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 10:37I had to share this with a co-worker because I was laughing so damn hard! If you find a place to donate your uterus, let me know. I’m done with mine.
April wrote..Ma’am sucks
amy
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 10:38Car line violations bring out the WORST in ALL of us!
amy wrote..Finally, we can get off the birthday cake diet
Em
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 10:40Yea for you!!! Some people are so totally unaware of anyone other themselves. To totally mess up the line of folks trying to get their kids is inexcusable. Keep an eye out for her…you may have to explain things more than once!
Em wrote..Pardon me while I puff out my chest with pride
Catizhere
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 10:42We have a horseshoe drop-off at our school. And we STILL have people who park, get out, help little Johnny/Jenny out of their ginormous SUV, help with their backpack, give a little kiss & ruffle their hair, get back in the car, and WAIT until their offspring gets in the doors before pulling away. I have been known to loudly state that, “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!” of course, my window is rolled up so no one could hear me anyway.
Catizhere wrote..Resolutions Schmesolutions
tracey
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 10:46Isn’t it fun being a woman?
She had it coming. Unless one of those kids was in a wheelchair or crutches, there is NO excuse! And even then, there are handicapped spots!
I have only gone off on another mother once or twice. One time at Disney World. World of magic and love and all.. I’ll have to write about that. I am very proud of that bitchfest.
tracey wrote..Pay no attention to the sparkle in his eye…
Tiaras & Tantrums
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 11:00good for you – do you feel better now?
I have to say this . . . aging after babies – not so much fun! Periods, PMS, Ovulation, cramps, grey hair, grey PUBIC hair, hair on private parts that was not there 10 years ago?? Why doesn’t the OB/GYN tell us of all these lovely ordeals that our bodies drag our not-so-old minds through? There should be a book or something out there to tell us women about aging . . . because it really sucks arse! If I don’t get pregnant here soon I’m going on Mirena – supposedly that should cure all the cramps, the PMS, the terrible periods . . . do you think I will feel 30 years old again? HA HA
Kori
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 11:05I would like to tell BB to kiss my entitled ass. Mister, good for you for doing the job that men should have been doing all the fuck along. Don’t expect any medals or kudos from ME, though. AS AN INDIVIDUAL, I would like to bitch about assholes like you who want special kudos for having the balls to take care of their kids. The day I make the same fucking amount of money and have the same rights as you precious fathers, the very goddamned day I receive the accolades I deserve for raising four (yes, FOUR) kids on.my.own. with no financial help from their “fathers” will be the day I get down on my knees and suck your dick with gratitude. Until then, stay out of the fucking way. Oh. Great post, Mr. Lady, you know I love you.
Kori wrote..Snippets of Updates
Kori
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 11:05Can I use PMS as my excuse as well?
Kori wrote..Snippets of Updates
Dawn
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 11:08first off…I have to say…I think I love you. You are my hero…I have been close to that kind of “rampage”…but I too am a doormat…I let things roll…I have more important things to do than be pissed that you cut me off…There are those days though…ugh. I feel that may be coming my day soon…there should be a club…I would come, and toss back a shot…and go “what the hell happened to my 20′s”
Natalie
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 11:11I am sure I had something totally witty to say here, but I’m laughing too hard to remember.
I always considered myself a nice person, but then I realized that I’m not. I don’t like to be fucked with. I’m working on it, okay?
Natalie wrote..Ready to Rumble
Casee
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 11:43I hate school parking lots. I think it’s the same idiot that designs every single one. I went through something similar this week, but when I tried to actually get my kids into the school, the librarian yelled at me. The effing librarian yelled at me. I felt like I was 10 again.
Casee wrote..How a kid sleeps
Xbox4NappyRash
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 11:46You DO know that that poor woman had to park there as she had been called by the school, don’t you?
Her little boy caught his wee fingers in the door while holding it open for the 7 year old girl he has a secret crush on.
He had one of his asthma attacks and they had to get his mother to bring his medicine as soon as possible.
Heartless so you are, heartless.
Xbox4NappyRash wrote..My inheritance
Matt
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 12:05Daaaaaaamn, girl! That poor woman! I can’t believe you laid into her like that. Bad form.
Totally kidding. If it makes you feel better, I screamed at a woman who decided to cross the street against a don’t walk signal, blocking traffic, and then to stoop down to tie her shoe to add to the rudeness. After I yelled at her, she stood in the street, shrugged, and just stared at me, not moving. Sort of challenging me. I totally ran her over. You know. In my mind.
Some people deserve what they get. I say go with it.
Matt wrote..Maybe It Aint All Bad
thedemigod
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 12:08As one half of a (fabulous) gay couple trying to have a baby,
I would like to apply to inherit your uterus.
Where does the line start? :)
And I don’t think that qualifies as “tearing them a new one”, more like, “prepping”. The next time the bitch does it, take a Louisville slugger to the Ford and dig your fangs into the seats. I’d fully support you on it. :)
thedemigod wrote..Fucking Pissed
mb
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 12:36i don’t want your uterus. Mine sucks, too.
It’s a good thing I wasn’t there in that parking lot. You can make ME stand in the rain, but not my kid.
mb wrote..a request for help
Jessica Bern
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 13:08I had an “incident’ that involved a bunch of mother (f@*ers) when my child played on a certain sport that I will not mention and I would love you to come by here one day and I’ll fill you in on what went on and then you can go and blow each of them a couple of new ones. Just call me when your PMS is at it’s worst and I’ll come pick you up.
daisy
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 13:12Holy cow… I was totally prepared for the worst when you said you laid into her. I was imagining all kinds of carnage, cussing and crapping (her of corse) you know the 3 c’s of kicking someones ass. But it was real nice of you not to totally blow her mind the first time. Next time she does it (oh, and you know she will) go off on her like a thousand atom bombs and I bet she’ll never do it again. Props for going off like always wish I had.
Oh, and could I perhaps borrow your balls? I really need to grow a pair of my own, but I’m kinda lazy like that.
daisy wrote..My Rant
Kellie
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 13:26Oh My! It’s like listening inside my own head. Where does all that facial hair come from, and the gray, and the closer periods? Every day I wonder why the hell people can’t pull all the way up in the line at school. When it rains, forget about it, all bets are off. It’s a cluster f–k at best. She got what she deserved. Who are these people and do we really want our kids going to school with their kids?
and…What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Kellie wrote..Gaining Perspective
Rachel
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 13:42Holy hell woman.
I cringed for her. I raged for you and your poor wet kids.
But dude, your uterus, it’s out to get you.
andria
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 13:47Man, I hate drop off/pick up. I have been cut off and held up every single morning/afternoon for the past three years. By the same people who think they are too good to follow the rules.
I think you were nice to that woman. I might’ve got out and keyed her car. Well, I’d at least think about it.
andria wrote..You say it’s January?
ali
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 13:48thank you.
thank you for doing something i wish i had the cojones to do.
ali wrote..end stages
Miss
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 13:59Are you sure, given your current condition, that its WISE to head the traffic committee at the school? You might have to knock a bitch out next time.
Miss wrote..Wordless Wednesday – A Lovely Day
ZDub
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 14:15Gah, what is wrong with people? I just can’t bite my tongue anymore either and it embarrasses my husband to pieces. Enough with the stupid, folks.
And I feel you in regards to the chin hair. Mine look like cat whiskers. Not hot.
ZDub wrote..Win-nah
One Mom's Opinion
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 14:33This is my pet peeve. I worked the crosswalk for a week a few years during a transition period at our old elementary school when the drop-off/pickup procedures changed. My take is that far too many parents are too busy talking on their phones or whatever to pay attention to the rules that they feel don’t apply to them.
You would think the safety of every child would be important to all parents, but it’s not. It rarely seems to register.
Good for you. I would rail on the school, ultimately they are responsible to keep everyone safe and ensure the rules are followed.
One Mom’s Opinion wrote..Christmas cheer, but not so much today
Backpacking Dad
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 14:56“You’re doing it wrong.”
The most famous line from “Mr. Mom” ’round these parts.
I think I’m afraid that when that happens to me I’m going to look like a big drunken asshole yelling at an innocent victim.
I will pay you to yell at other parents for me so I don’t get thrown in jail for “menacing.”
Backpacking Dad wrote..A Note on Pronunciation
tiff
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 15:10Clearly, as I have no uterus left, I have no balls (aside from the fact that I hate the P&C) I will have to live my life precariously through you because, even though I would like nothing more than to rag on some of the people I am surrounded by every day, I never have the guts to do it.
If I were to try yelling at anyone all that would come from my mouth would be “bok, bok, bok bockark”!
tiff wrote..A fairy funny breakfast.
Katherine
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 15:14Yay for you!! Someone once cut in front of me in line (at JoAnn’s for fuck’s sake) and the woman BEHIND me stood up to defend my honor. Then the cutter started YELLING at the woman behind me about if I had a problem with it, I could speak for myself. I said something (politely), but really my brain was still trying to process how someone could be so self-centered. I hope some of those hormones are coming my way soon. I’ve already got the gray hair, so they should be on their way, right?
Katherine wrote..I Think I Need More Sleep
Gabbi
Wednesday, 7 January, 2009 at 16:40Way to take some action! Why am I hearing the song Harper Valley PTA????
Hugs,
Gabbi
Gabbi wrote..The Saddest Thing a Mama Ever Saw