You Will Be Assimilated.  Resistance is Futile.

We are not Canadians.  We have to get on our hands and knees and beg re-apply annually to live here.  Someday, they’re going to get wise to us and throw our asses out.  Because of this, because we know it’s coming eventually, we hold on to our Americanismness with clenched, white knuckles.  We celebrate the FOURTH of July, it’s currently 41 degrees outdoors, not 4.  You know, American.

When nameless Canadian friends who live mere minutes from me but fear getting outed as a closet geek *ahemzoeyjane* say things like “You will be assimilated,” we just laugh and go right on with our Yank ways until one day, we’re on the phone with an American friend and we try to say that we’re pr-ah-cessing something and then we stop, stutter, backtrack and say pr-oh-cessing something….”

Oh, fuck, we’re totally Canadian, eh.

Since we’re now all a bunch of hosers, we’ve decided to apply for Permanent Residency.  That means we get to live here for 5 whole years before I have to start flashing immigration officers we have to re-apply again.  That means that it doesn’t matter where we work, because my husband’s job will not be the only reason we’re allowed to be here.  That means that I will not have to answer 5,000 questions every time I have to cross the border into or out of America.

That means we’re making a commitment for the first time in our adult lives.  And it’s scaring the crap out of us.  It’s like buying a house, except instead of “house” it’s a “whole freaking country.”  Which still won’t let us vote.  Bygones.

We’ve been talking about what that entails, becoming permanent residents with capital letters, and aside from the shitty things (re-importing the cars, etc) we have to start thinking about some medical business.

If we’re going to try to get 5 unconditional years here, there’s a chance they’ll say Hell No and then not renew us when we’re up next.  This kind of puts the pressure on us to get some things done that are covered under our MSP (the dreaded socialist health care...oooooo) before they get the chance to kick us to the curb.  And by “things”, naturally I mean “balls.”

We’ve officially decided that we’re not having any more kids.  We’ve officially decided that The Donor drew the short end of the stick on this one, mainly because now he’ll know when we get a dude for a mailman.  We’ve had several long, drawn out discussions about whether or not we’re really really sure we’re done, and in the end I said that I was done making babies and he said “Good, because I’m so done with you making babies.”

No ladies, he’s not available, thanks for asking.

Maybe we’ll foster a child someday when we have a bigger house, but daddy’s getting the old snip-snip.  Soon.  Before he chickens out soon.

We were talking about it last night and he was saying how he was nervous (naturally), how he didn’t think he could make the appointment.  I tried to make it all about me reassure him by reminding him that someone’s ass once came out of my vagina and a few minutes on ice was nothing compared to that pain, and of course he countered with “You’re not going to make me feel bad about that; you were built for it.  My boys weren’t built for razor blades.”

And no, he doesn’t have any brothers either, girls.  Sorry.

Then he mentioned that he was afraid of something else, too, and I asked what.  He said he was afraid that he would lose the, um, desire, after the procedure.  That he’d be afraid to test out the re-vamped tool kit.  You know, like Peter Griffin did in that Family Guy episode.  I kindly reminded him that I gained 105 pounds carrying the seed of his over-zealous loins, that I incurred the wrath of the Frankenvulva pushing his son’s big, beautiful, perfectly round head out, that I was afraid to sit down for two months after our son was born, and that if he wanted to know about losing your will to fuck, I could tell him all about it.

13 years later, I can still take his breath away.   It’s a beautiful thing, really.  But he’s still getting the damn vasectomy.

Complaint Department

  • Expat Mom


    Oh, we are in the same thing right now. Hubby keeps saying he`ll do it, but he “forgets”. But I`ve been pregnant enough, now it`s his turn to do something about it! And seriously, any guy who thinks it`s not fair after what a woman has to go through to give birth is just a jerk.

    As for the Canadian thing, good for you. I`m a Canadian hoping to get residency in Guatemala, should anyone ever decide to renew my passport for me. :)

    Expat Mom wrote..Think We`re Ready for School Yet?

  • Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]


    Ask Mr Sir about the snip-snip. The sucker drove himself there AND drove himself home.

    And NO loss of *ahem* desire.

    Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] wrote..Weekly Winners 1.4 – 1.10

  • tiff


    I just want you to know that I just spat my coffee all over my almost teenager. She was not amused.

    tiff wrote..Weekly Winners.

  • Angela


    Get a pair of rubber gloves and fill them with crushed ice post procedure. you can link the fingers so they hold up and cool down the area afterwards. Oh, and make sure he understands that he can wash the “area” afterwards. A friend of my SIL didn’t know and ended up with a funky case of crotch-rot. Gross, but important information.

  • Lynn (Walking With Scissors)


    How is it that I’ve never been to your blog before? Seriously, I’m a big, fat Canadian loser. (But at least I don’t have to flash people to live here.)

    This post made me add you to my feed reader. Your comment form made me fall in love with you. (In a purely heterosexual way, of course).

    Make sure you tell your husband to tell my husband that the big V is a terrible, horrible thing. Mine wants one voluntarily. Freakshow. I’d like to squeak out just one little accident first. *cough* But you didn’t hear it from me.

    Lynn (Walking With Scissors) wrote..That’s Right, I’m Talking to YOU.

  • auntie


    i didn’t read all the comments yet so perhaps someone else already pointed this out but um…your husband does realize that Family Guy is a freakin’ cartoon, right? ok, just checking.

    also, my ex-fiance got a vasectomy a month after we started dating (that’s a story for a totally different day) and it was all i could do to keep him off me until the doc gave the go-ahead. it was ridiculous.

    that’s all.

    auntie wrote..Stuff You Probably Didn’t Already Know

  • perpstu


    Oy. That discussion has happened many times in our house. I have the number of a good doc hanging on the fridge, yet somehow the hubby just keeps walking past it. I might have to get the razor blade out myself!

    perpstu wrote..Simply Kind Tuesday #10 Kindness, It Does a Body Good!

  • Colleen - Mommy Always Wins


    Eh, he’ll get over it. Men are big babies!

  • April


    I’m in such a man-hating bitch mood right now that I wish I could perform the surgery myself!

    April wrote..W

  • ShredderFeeder


    So got it done, so glad I did. The Vicodin alone was worth it…..not having to support the condom industry any longer is twice as worth it.

    Though I still want to be careful, it’s been said that all I have to do is stand upwind of my lovely wife and ….

    ShredderFeeder wrote..7 days

  • Tara R.


    Men are such babies!

    Tara R. wrote..First Mom moment

  • Assertagirl


    We Canadians are lucky to have you folks.

  • Tiaras & Tantrums


    well, we are working on our fourth – but I will use this argument when the time comes for snip*snip*snip! and my friend had the big V – then had a reversal b/c the wife decided she DID want another baby. He STILL wants her all the time!

  • Leanne


    Been there. I did the seven years in the USA, trying to pretend I was Canadian. And then came the day when I came home and everyone said eh, and sounded really stupid to me. So, we applied for US landed immigration status and got it, and then got transfered to the UK two weeks later. Go figure.

    Um, I had my hubby fixed as well – under the same pressure from me. Tell your hubby nothing changed. Dammit.

    Leanne wrote..Baby, it’s cold outside

  • MrsFwith4


    Well, Mr F has decided that I’ll remain MrsFwith4 (sob) not 5. He suggested I might like to get my tubes tied (uh-huh)… so is it ok if I steal your last few lines?

    Good luck with the PR – we JUST got ours after *ahem* FIVE years waiting.

    Listen, I have something hysterical for you to read… yesterday’s London Guardian…

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/11/male-body-waxing

  • Redneck Mommy


    Boo had the big snip four months after Bug was born.

    His nuts swelled up to the size of cantaloupes and they went jet black from bruising. Oh how I wish I had the forethought to take pictures. It was freaktastic!

    Besides the quick tug he felt, he said it looked worse than it actually was.

    And we tested the pipes very quickly if you know what I mean. Wink, wink.

    Now I’m trying to have him reverse the damn thing but apparently that means actual surgery and he’s too chicken shit to let a scalpel near his precious jewels.

    Fucking whiner.

    Redneck Mommy wrote..This Post is Why I Shouldn’t Be Allowed On the Internet

  • sam {temptingmama}


    Canada won’t kick you out. We know greatness when we see it.

    I told Mike that when the time comes to make that decision HE’s getting the snip even though he’s absolutely against it and thinks I should get my tubes done.

    I told him when he pushes two nine pound babies outta his penis hole I will be more than willing to get my tubes tied. Until then, it’s him or nothing. Fuck that. I’m not being the one that has to have my hooha sewed back together THEN have surgery to get my tubes tied – he’s going to do more than just get his dicky wet, that’s for fuckin’ sure.

    (Sorry, ranting. LOL)

    sam {temptingmama} wrote..Let’s Talk Poop (Pre-empted By A Rant And Toilet Paper)

  • How to Party with an Infant


    Tell him to man up and that he gets to do it with you after.

    How to Party with an Infant wrote..Watching the Bachelor with my Daughter

  • Don Mills Diva


    Hell yes he is!

    Is he gives you any trouble let me know and I”ll come up there and do it myself!

    Don Mills Diva wrote..Couldn’t we all use just a little more Britney?

  • Miss Ash


    Tee hee!!!!!!!!!

    I’m not making babies.
    And I’m NOT going back onto crazy making birth control.
    Women are crazy, normally. Add estrogen to the mix, and it makes us MORE crazy.
    Thankfully, my guy was already fixed before I “knew” him (biblically).

    I wouldn’t have it any other way, though.

    Miss Ash wrote..prophesies

  • the planet of janet


    i got a little weepy from the sentiment here. you guys are beautiful. just beautiful.

    the planet of janet wrote..Stupid is as stupid does

  • Jan


    I remember my dad saying that the worst part of the recovery was the pubes growing back after being shaved. Apparently, the left stubblies rubbing against the right stubblies wasn’t pleasant.

    We’re still in not-sure-if-we-want-another-kid mode, but once that’s decided, Mr. Jan has already agreed to step up.

    After seeing me though the delivery attempt/emergency c-section from Hell, he has no out for “it might hurt.”

  • Beth


    OK, so this post actually did make me laugh, out loud. God boys are pansies. But he sounds like a keeper so does he at least have an uncle I could call? Cuz my own husband seems to think I should be “over it” that I have birth to his child 8 WHOLE weeks ago and the 3 major tears that his child caused me in my crotch “oughtta be healed by now, right?”

    Beth wrote..What gets you through???

  • Her Bad Mother


    I hope you become Canadian. You make us all seem a little cooler. A little drunker, too, but there’s nothing wrong with that ;)

    Her Bad Mother wrote..Little Beaner, Rest In Peace

  • Jaina


    Haha, good luck to the Donor. I hope you get your residency, I didn’t realize it was so hard to live in another country. (I’ve never lived anywhere but Southern California)

    Jaina wrote..Photostory Friday: Craftsmanship

  • Sarah


    My husband just had his vasectomy done and it was SO EASY. Nothing some vicodin and sleep couldn’t cure.

    Sarah wrote..Mommies and Contests – what more could you ask for?