Jan 12 2009
You Will Be Assimilated. Resistance is Futile.
We are not Canadians. We have to get on our hands and knees and beg re-apply annually to live here. Someday, they’re going to get wise to us and throw our asses out. Because of this, because we know it’s coming eventually, we hold on to our Americanismness with clenched, white knuckles. We celebrate the FOURTH of July, it’s currently 41 degrees outdoors, not 4. You know, American.
When nameless Canadian friends who live mere minutes from me but fear getting outed as a closet geek *ahemzoeyjane* say things like “You will be assimilated,” we just laugh and go right on with our Yank ways until one day, we’re on the phone with an American friend and we try to say that we’re pr-ah-cessing something and then we stop, stutter, backtrack and say pr-oh-cessing something….”
Oh, fuck, we’re totally Canadian, eh.
Since we’re now all a bunch of hosers, we’ve decided to apply for Permanent Residency. That means we get to live here for 5 whole years before I have to start flashing immigration officers we have to re-apply again. That means that it doesn’t matter where we work, because my husband’s job will not be the only reason we’re allowed to be here. That means that I will not have to answer 5,000 questions every time I have to cross the border into or out of America.
That means we’re making a commitment for the first time in our adult lives. And it’s scaring the crap out of us. It’s like buying a house, except instead of “house” it’s a “whole freaking country.” Which still won’t let us vote. Bygones.
We’ve been talking about what that entails, becoming permanent residents with capital letters, and aside from the shitty things (re-importing the cars, etc) we have to start thinking about some medical business.
If we’re going to try to get 5 unconditional years here, there’s a chance they’ll say Hell No and then not renew us when we’re up next. This kind of puts the pressure on us to get some things done that are covered under our MSP (the dreaded socialist health care...oooooo) before they get the chance to kick us to the curb. And by “things”, naturally I mean “balls.”
We’ve officially decided that we’re not having any more kids. We’ve officially decided that The Donor drew the short end of the stick on this one, mainly because now he’ll know when we get a dude for a mailman. We’ve had several long, drawn out discussions about whether or not we’re really really sure we’re done, and in the end I said that I was done making babies and he said “Good, because I’m so done with you making babies.”
No ladies, he’s not available, thanks for asking.
Maybe we’ll foster a child someday when we have a bigger house, but daddy’s getting the old snip-snip. Soon. Before he chickens out soon.
We were talking about it last night and he was saying how he was nervous (naturally), how he didn’t think he could make the appointment. I tried to make it all about me reassure him by reminding him that someone’s ass once came out of my vagina and a few minutes on ice was nothing compared to that pain, and of course he countered with “You’re not going to make me feel bad about that; you were built for it. My boys weren’t built for razor blades.”
And no, he doesn’t have any brothers either, girls. Sorry.
Then he mentioned that he was afraid of something else, too, and I asked what. He said he was afraid that he would lose the, um, desire, after the procedure. That he’d be afraid to test out the re-vamped tool kit. You know, like Peter Griffin did in that Family Guy episode. I kindly reminded him that I gained 105 pounds carrying the seed of his over-zealous loins, that I incurred the wrath of the Frankenvulva pushing his son’s big, beautiful, perfectly round head out, that I was afraid to sit down for two months after our son was born, and that if he wanted to know about losing your will to fuck, I could tell him all about it.
13 years later, I can still take his breath away. It’s a beautiful thing, really. But he’s still getting the damn vasectomy.
Comments close after 14 days. And there's Captcha if you're nasty. 76 Comments to “You Will Be Assimilated. Resistance is Futile.”
can i dare to think i’m first?
nonna wrote..see? who needs to see to drive? saturday sunday
woohoo! first time i thought i was first and actually WAS!
snip snip. hehe, i know i shouldn’t take pleasure in his fears, but come on!!! it’s like nothing. same day surgery. his only real fear should be you exciting him right after. hmm maybe you shouldn’t take a shower or brush your hair until he heals up. :)
nonna wrote..see? who needs to see to drive? saturday sunday
I was just going to leave a succinct ‘Bitch.’
But then I laughed a lot. Poor Mr MrLady. Damn. Ouch. Oooh. Gasp. God. The humanity. Fuckbeans.
Are you sure he doesn’t want to borrow Isobel just ONE more time?
(Next time, I’m quoting Highlander. That’s much cooler.)
Zoeyjane wrote..On Drawing the Line
genital mutilation is NOT cool
SciFi Dad wrote..Pick The Lies - Volume Two
Oh the poor bastard.
Xbox4NappyRash wrote..Bollocks, bollox, bollix
Hubs had the snip about a year ago. He whined and cried like a ‘girl’. But it didn’t affect his mojo. I was adamant - I’d spent years on the pill and depo-provera, becoming clinically depressed in the process. I’d thrown up 5 times a day, every day, for 27 weeks with the girl, then endured 20 hours of labor and and almost had my nipples bitten off learning to breastfeed. I had an IUD between the kids, and that gave me 8 day long periods that were so heavy I though I was bleeding out. Then another puke-fest pregnancy, a 2 hour drive to the hospital with contractions 4 minutes apart (and he kept arguing with me over the air-conditioning!). I figure I’d done my part in the family planning department. It was his turn.
And now? He still whines and cries like a MAN - but he’s glad he had it done.
Good luck! (And Yay! for staying in Canada. We have that effect on people.)
badness jones wrote..Livid
Women definitely draw the short straw on this side of the argument. Men should so totally not get a choice in the matter.
The worst thing about the Permanent Resident dealie is that by the time you get done going through the whole stupid ‘jump through hoops’ thing and they present you with your shiny new card, they give you 4.3 seconds to back in the glory of assimilation/belonging/being all legal-like before they remind you that the damned thing has an expiry date and YAY! You get to do it all AGAIN!!!
(That said, I’m glad you’re here!)
daysgoby wrote..and then the day dawned
Besides a weekend on the couch with a little ice, nothing else changed for the husband. Just saying.
And now that it’s done. I kinda of want a fourth. Again, just saying.
OHmommy wrote..Because. I need more things to do.
First of all, I am the only woman I know who has literally gotten kicked out of her husband’s vasectomy. I got a case of the church giggles when the doctor started talking about complications in the form of a softball sized third testicle. Yeah, who wouldn’t get the church giggles with that visual?!
I can say from experience that my husband was a little sore for a bit. He did get a small marble sized growth that lasted a month or so afterward. A couple of times a few months later, he randomly jumped b/c it felt like someone had a voodoo doll and stuck a pin in his balls. Could be the vasectomy, could be someone with a voodoo doll. Not sure.
BUT, his libido is still just as strong as it was prior to the snip, snip. Perhaps stronger, because it is awesome to be able to have sex again whenever without having to worry about other forms of birth control getting in the way. That is, when the planets align and the kids are asleep and we’re not too tired…
Ashlie- Mommycosm wrote..Closing in on HER…
Heh. Husband did it about six months ago, and cruised. Didn’t even take the pain meds they sent home with him. The best part was that he had to wear a jock strap for days afterwards… and its brand-name was “The Duke.” Priceless.
Goldfish wrote..Vote for Pedro
This is what true love is all about.
Shelly wrote..Hark! Who Goes There??
^ Has 2 kids and is ponder the procedure…not sure if I want to wear “The Duke”
doublebanker wrote..Date night
Been there. Done that. Twice (Sorta). Long story, not bloggable. Tell him there is no problem with the barn doors still opening, and he’ll never have to worry about the horses. Avoid “The Duke”, go with “The Pouchinator”
NukeDad wrote..Krugerrands Would Be Cheaper
This is all kinds of funny. And you know I love any woman who will admit out loud what the rest of us just silently felt: sex after childbirth sounds about as appealing as a complete head transplant (and I mean the one with ears and eyes).
Also, I have been trying to vote on those damn Bloggies for about 27 years now (you know Internet years pass even more quickly than dog years, right?), but the page is still “loading.” I’ll let you know if I get to vote before I collapse from old age.
MommyTime wrote..It Can’t Have Been Five Years Ago, Can It?
Frankenvulva. I love that so hard. My now-strangely-assymetrical-clitoris just mumbled something like, “Word.”
Maria wrote..weekly winners - jan 3-10
It did nothing to quell my husband’s desire. Not even immediately after, when he was loaded up on percocet and had a bag of frozen peas stuffed in his pants. Dude is relentless.
My hubs promised to do this…after all two kids and life saving surgery, it was the least he could do…ehm…9 years later he still hasn’t made that appointment.
I took myself off BCP about two years ago because the insurance company was making it more difficult…
So now…if he want’s some loven’…he has to wear a coat…no exceptions…and he has tried to get out of it…
Good luck to him…and to you, cause men are babies when it comes to “real” pain.
Fuck, we’ll take anybody here in Canada.
Eh.
1sttimedad wrote..Genetically-altered tastebuds
HA - I don’t know about the whole ‘buying a country thing’ but good luck with that. As for getting fixed…I did my part while on the table with the last one and the hub, yep he is also going to do his part VERY SOON. We are SO VERY done with the baby thing… You guy will be just fine, just remind him of all the special attention he can get while recouperating!
~K
Jared and I are having this exact same “discussion” right now.
I’ve even called our insurance company and confirmed that at least a portion of it is covered.
BWAHAHAHA…. I remember when my dad got the old snip snip years ago…. after my parents had my “Surprise” baby seester (12 year younger than me)….. He sat around with an ice pack down his pants drinking beers… Tell Mr. MrLady it’s a good excuse to get wasted!!
Hilarious, really….
Since I had a c-section I had the snip snip procedure done while they were in there pulling a kid out. Did you know that 1-250 tubal ligations fail??? I do NOT want to be that 1. And just make sure he goes back and has the follow up soldier counting tests. SOMETIMES the snip snip isn’t complete, and the men still get through. The only way to know is to sound revelie and see if anyone shows up. If you know what I mean. I know people who know people who have had kids after being ‘fixed’. That would so be your karma too. Blog fodder!
MidLifeMama wrote..And why does a jar cost $3.99?
I’m with @Malskeys…when I get it done I’m just going to sit around and drink…or take pain meds…or both. Maybe if you get him drink first he’ll go under the knife a little easier.
Tyler @ Building Camelot wrote..How To Add Icons To Your Thesis Alert And Note Styles
Plus, there is the added benefit to you in that you can be in the room with him and watch and laugh while he is getting them snipped and cauterized. I wasn’t done having kids, I was just done having kid (singular!!!) with that asswipe, so I got a large amount of pleasure out of the whole deal. But maybe that’s just me.
Kori wrote..On a Lighter Note: A Meme
Only *you* could weave Canadian residency and a vasectomy into the same post and make it hilarious.
Ms. Maxwell wrote..The Mosts of 2008
Hubby got snipped a year or two ago. His recovery was quick, but not entirely painless. It didn’t affect his libido in the least.
One Mom’s Opinion wrote..My goal is a new ass
OMG this is hilarious eh!
Men are such babies when it comes to their balls. HAHA I love your counter-argument.
I wonder what you’d have said to him if you had a c section? (NOT fun getting sliced open. IO heard they take your uterus sorta-out, then shove it back in. I was trying realllly hard to not think about that while it happened.)
jessica wrote..Cactus Monday
Good luck becoming Canadian.
And I’m showing my husband this post because I think he should also get a vasectomy. Men are such goddamn babies.
ZDub wrote..Three Things
Funny story: My husband had it done a couple of years ago and I went with him to hold his hand (because men are big babies). The doctor and nurse were both females and he said “This is nothing like I imagined it would be to have 2 women play with my balls while my wife watched.”
Another funny part from that day: They were playing the soundtrack to Curious George during the procedure and I still think of vasectomies when I hear Jack Johnson.
Allie wrote.."Mountain" Climbing
My husband is a big pussy and should probably just grow one since there’s no way he’ll ever get a vasectomy-
One more thing; looks like you’re going to have to unpack your Glass Tiger CD after all.
NukeDad wrote..Krugerrands Would Be Cheaper
My husband had it done last year. I literally dropped him off, took my daughter to the parking lot, let her ride her bike for what seemed like 15 minutes and saw him walk back out of the building. I thought that maybe something went wrong or he chickened out. But, nope. He was ALREADY DONE. He informed me that men who say it is a big deal are lying to get more attention. HA!
Cynthia wrote..Presenting…Hannah Montana!
Mine won’t even consider getting a vasectomy and I won’t do more hormones. Tried the iud, it was awful for me. Now we just go with the old raincoat. My middle name is danger. His name will be a lot worse if I get knocked up again!
Kellie wrote..Someone Make it Stop…Please.
That’s one hell of a hoop to jump thru to become Canadian!
BusyDad wrote..Urrrgh…
I wrote about my husband’s vasectomy a while back. I decided he needed to go since I had birthed three children also. Seemed only fair.
http://coconutnoodlemonkey.blogspot.com/2008/11/no-more-swimmers.html
Lorna wrote..It’s a New Year
Thanks to you, I have been scaring my cats again with wild, cackly whoops of laughter! Hahahah!
I also look forward to hearing more about your ongoing saga to submit (via paperwork) to your Canadian self. ;)
Marie wrote..This is Your Brain on Pregnancy Hormones
Have I ever told you I love the way your nose wrinkles every time you say bygones?
I’m still hanging fully loaded – in case anyone wants to know. When 2012 hits, I’m gonna be the last dude hanging.
No Dionysus Amazon woman is going to get me with a Eunuchfication. It might be okay for others, but not here. I’m taking these jewels with me all the way to the box.
Take it from a born and bred hoser: resistance is indeed futile. You will be assimilated. Or terminated:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGoi1MSGu64
CynthiaK wrote..It’s all a ruse
YOUCH. That last bit hurt just reading about it.
BTW–love the ministry quote on the sidebar….you ROCK MR LADY!
Jen wrote..Tagged!
i have lived in canada for 11 years and i still say pr-ah-cessing…:)
and i TOTALLY want gabe to get the big V
ali wrote..my ali-never-gets-hit-on reputation remains and a contest
Yea, you’ll probably end up spelling things with extra letters now, too.
Ree wrote..Mute Monday - Z (and some other stuff)
Bah, he’ll be fine. I haven’t had it done, but I hear lots of dudes have with no Ill Effects.
So ‘permanent’ in Canada means 5 years? Curious, I may need to look that one up.
Jim wrote..He Blogs, She Blogs IV
you did say “short end of the stick”. i had to go back and check…
justsomethoughts wrote..an award
Tell your husband that ever since MY husband had a vasectomy, there is a lot more sex. It’s like that nagging fear of another pregnancy is gone, and now it’s is all about the fun.
Giddy-up.
Angella wrote..On Faith
I moved from northern Illinois to southern Wisconsin 28 years ago, and I’m still not completely assimilated. If I tried to say “aina”, or “bubbler” or “Johnsonville brat” they’d know in an instant I was from south of the border and would beat me to death with whatever “#1 Packer Fan” paraphernalia was closest to hand. Hostile country here.
As I have told many a man, a snip snip in a docs office is NOTHING..NOTHING compared to the Frankenvulva! Well I didn’t say Frankenvulva but I SO WOULD HAVE if I had heard the term! Funny how the ones that actually give birth do not think twice to have THEIR snip snips done! I had a friend that her husband was so adamant about NOT having a vasectomy, she had to get fixed instead. Now how rude was that? Like she didn’t have enough pain carrying and birthing his 11 lb children?
Special K wrote..When I look at you
Make sure he actually ices those suckers when he’s done. I’ve heard if you don’t, the resulting swollen balls can reach epic sizes.
Miss Grace wrote..It’s definitely NOT THERE
Tell brother dear to stop being a wuss!!!! I know lots of guys who have undergone the knife and they are fine!!! Crap he is still whiney hehehehehehe Love ya
Choch wrote..Who is ready for 2009?
Mt.Man did the ol snip snip back in november. It was not that bad he said, and the guys that complain about it after the initial 3 days are up, i qoute “pussies”. Tell the donor not to worry about it, it is scary at first but all and all him laid up for three days of so vs you laid up for 6 weeks is much better. Plus if you ask the doc, he’ll let you watch (sheer gradification just knowing he now has a taste of the pain). O’ and the baby out the vagina thing may always be used to defend how tough or how he owes you. Get lots of frozen peas (there really is a reason behind that) and fyi it’s ay, not eh. good luck with the vas
super mama wrote..Lazy Sunday
Oh, we are in the same thing right now. Hubby keeps saying he`ll do it, but he “forgets”. But I`ve been pregnant enough, now it`s his turn to do something about it! And seriously, any guy who thinks it`s not fair after what a woman has to go through to give birth is just a jerk.
As for the Canadian thing, good for you. I`m a Canadian hoping to get residency in Guatemala, should anyone ever decide to renew my passport for me. :)
Expat Mom wrote..Think We`re Ready for School Yet?
Ask Mr Sir about the snip-snip. The sucker drove himself there AND drove himself home.
And NO loss of *ahem* desire.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] wrote..Weekly Winners 1.4 - 1.10
I just want you to know that I just spat my coffee all over my almost teenager. She was not amused.
tiff wrote..Weekly Winners.
Get a pair of rubber gloves and fill them with crushed ice post procedure. you can link the fingers so they hold up and cool down the area afterwards. Oh, and make sure he understands that he can wash the “area” afterwards. A friend of my SIL didn’t know and ended up with a funky case of crotch-rot. Gross, but important information.
How is it that I’ve never been to your blog before? Seriously, I’m a big, fat Canadian loser. (But at least I don’t have to flash people to live here.)
This post made me add you to my feed reader. Your comment form made me fall in love with you. (In a purely heterosexual way, of course).
Make sure you tell your husband to tell my husband that the big V is a terrible, horrible thing. Mine wants one voluntarily. Freakshow. I’d like to squeak out just one little accident first. *cough* But you didn’t hear it from me.
Lynn (Walking With Scissors) wrote..That’s Right, I’m Talking to YOU.
i didn’t read all the comments yet so perhaps someone else already pointed this out but um…your husband does realize that Family Guy is a freakin’ cartoon, right? ok, just checking.
also, my ex-fiance got a vasectomy a month after we started dating (that’s a story for a totally different day) and it was all i could do to keep him off me until the doc gave the go-ahead. it was ridiculous.
that’s all.
auntie wrote..Stuff You Probably Didn’t Already Know
Oy. That discussion has happened many times in our house. I have the number of a good doc hanging on the fridge, yet somehow the hubby just keeps walking past it. I might have to get the razor blade out myself!
perpstu wrote..Simply Kind Tuesday #10 Kindness, It Does a Body Good!
Eh, he’ll get over it. Men are big babies!
I’m in such a man-hating bitch mood right now that I wish I could perform the surgery myself!
April wrote..W
So got it done, so glad I did. The Vicodin alone was worth it…..not having to support the condom industry any longer is twice as worth it.
Though I still want to be careful, it’s been said that all I have to do is stand upwind of my lovely wife and ….
ShredderFeeder wrote..7 days
Men are such babies!
Tara R. wrote..First Mom moment
We Canadians are lucky to have you folks.
well, we are working on our fourth - but I will use this argument when the time comes for snip*snip*snip! and my friend had the big V - then had a reversal b/c the wife decided she DID want another baby. He STILL wants her all the time!
Been there. I did the seven years in the USA, trying to pretend I was Canadian. And then came the day when I came home and everyone said eh, and sounded really stupid to me. So, we applied for US landed immigration status and got it, and then got transfered to the UK two weeks later. Go figure.
Um, I had my hubby fixed as well - under the same pressure from me. Tell your hubby nothing changed. Dammit.
Leanne wrote..Baby, it’s cold outside
Well, Mr F has decided that I’ll remain MrsFwith4 (sob) not 5. He suggested I might like to get my tubes tied (uh-huh)… so is it ok if I steal your last few lines?
Good luck with the PR - we JUST got ours after *ahem* FIVE years waiting.
Listen, I have something hysterical for you to read… yesterday’s London Guardian…
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/11/male-body-waxing
Boo had the big snip four months after Bug was born.
His nuts swelled up to the size of cantaloupes and they went jet black from bruising. Oh how I wish I had the forethought to take pictures. It was freaktastic!
Besides the quick tug he felt, he said it looked worse than it actually was.
And we tested the pipes very quickly if you know what I mean. Wink, wink.
Now I’m trying to have him reverse the damn thing but apparently that means actual surgery and he’s too chicken shit to let a scalpel near his precious jewels.
Fucking whiner.
Redneck Mommy wrote..This Post is Why I Shouldn’t Be Allowed On the Internet
Canada won’t kick you out. We know greatness when we see it.
I told Mike that when the time comes to make that decision HE’s getting the snip even though he’s absolutely against it and thinks I should get my tubes done.
I told him when he pushes two nine pound babies outta his penis hole I will be more than willing to get my tubes tied. Until then, it’s him or nothing. Fuck that. I’m not being the one that has to have my hooha sewed back together THEN have surgery to get my tubes tied - he’s going to do more than just get his dicky wet, that’s for fuckin’ sure.
(Sorry, ranting. LOL)
sam {temptingmama} wrote..Let’s Talk Poop (Pre-empted By A Rant And Toilet Paper)
Tell him to man up and that he gets to do it with you after.
How to Party with an Infant wrote..Watching the Bachelor with my Daughter
Hell yes he is!
Is he gives you any trouble let me know and I”ll come up there and do it myself!
Don Mills Diva wrote..Couldn’t we all use just a little more Britney?
Tee hee!!!!!!!!!
I’m not making babies.
And I’m NOT going back onto crazy making birth control.
Women are crazy, normally. Add estrogen to the mix, and it makes us MORE crazy.
Thankfully, my guy was already fixed before I “knew” him (biblically).
I wouldn’t have it any other way, though.
Miss Ash wrote..prophesies
i got a little weepy from the sentiment here. you guys are beautiful. just beautiful.
the planet of janet wrote..Stupid is as stupid does
I remember my dad saying that the worst part of the recovery was the pubes growing back after being shaved. Apparently, the left stubblies rubbing against the right stubblies wasn’t pleasant.
We’re still in not-sure-if-we-want-another-kid mode, but once that’s decided, Mr. Jan has already agreed to step up.
After seeing me though the delivery attempt/emergency c-section from Hell, he has no out for “it might hurt.”
OK, so this post actually did make me laugh, out loud. God boys are pansies. But he sounds like a keeper so does he at least have an uncle I could call? Cuz my own husband seems to think I should be “over it” that I have birth to his child 8 WHOLE weeks ago and the 3 major tears that his child caused me in my crotch “oughtta be healed by now, right?”
Beth wrote..What gets you through???
I hope you become Canadian. You make us all seem a little cooler. A little drunker, too, but there’s nothing wrong with that ;)
Her Bad Mother wrote..Little Beaner, Rest In Peace
Haha, good luck to the Donor. I hope you get your residency, I didn’t realize it was so hard to live in another country. (I’ve never lived anywhere but Southern California)
Jaina wrote..Photostory Friday: Craftsmanship
My husband just had his vasectomy done and it was SO EASY. Nothing some vicodin and sleep couldn’t cure.
Sarah wrote..Mommies and Contests - what more could you ask for?