Where Your Heart Is

When God closes a door, He opens a window.

That’s how that line goes, right? Little Ms. Atheist isn’t as well-versed in the theologically inspirational lines as she’d like to think she is, but I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten that one right.

Three years ago, I sat on your porch and you told me how excited you were for me, that my move to another city and another country was going to be sunshine and rainbows and magic. You told me that I’d forge new relationships, ones that might just outshine those I was leaving behind. You told me, in so many words, that I’d find a new you.

Now, you are almost never wrong. Most of the things you say to me end up being dead-on correct, I just don’t always see it right away. You seem to know things that I don’t, understand things that I can’t yet. I can only attribute this to you either A) being some creepy psychic sage or B) being old enough to know better. I’m going with B.

This time, though, this one time, I was right. You were wrong. For once, I knew something you didn’t know.

I knew that you were not just anyone. I knew that I’d been waiting my whole life for you. I knew the measure of the empty space in my heart, and that it would take more than just a friend, more than just a mother to fill it.

For all of these years we’ve had together, you’ve stood back and let me stumble, you’ve watched me fall, you’ve stood at the edge of that hole I keep digging myself into and told me to get the fuck out of there already. You’ve never rescued me, but you’ve certainly saved me. You’ve never forced me, but you’ve guided me. You’ve never imposed, but you’ve always suggested. You’ve been the mother I didn’t think I wanted and the friend I didn’t think I needed.

I can’t articulate how much I want to be at your table tonight, lighting your birthday candles. I can’t tell you how much I miss being wrapped up in the middle of your family. I honestly am shocked at how badly I want to watch your grandchildren unwrap your birthday presents, how much I want to go smoke with your husband and talk about the motorcycle, to hear your son in law laugh, to hug your daughter until my arms burn, to lay my head on your son’s shoulder, to see my kids run into your arms and to know that we’re home.

That house, those people, the world you’ve created around you, the one you decided to share with me for reasons I’ll never know; that’s what I’ve looked my whole life for. It was that place, that feeling, that thing I’d seen on paper and film, but never really knew before.

Home.

You are my heart, my family, my friend and my home. And maybe you’ve got just enough years on me to know better about most everything else, but finally I’m old enough to know one little thing; I will never, ever let anything shut that door.

The Mad White Woman

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 15:47

I can’t speak for your mom, but if you were my kid, I’d be embracing you in a bear hug right now. That was just beautiful.

Jill

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 16:20

Oh my Shannon. It might be the PMS talking, but I’m tearing up. That is a beautiful post for someone who seems like a very special person. You are lucky to have her, just as she is lucky to have her.

Now enough with this and get back to making me laugh!! My hormones are in overdrive over here!!

ms. changes pants while driving

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 16:36

*sniff.* beautiful beautiful post. could you not post this kind of stuff around this week every month?? that would be nice. thank you.

beautiful post.

Kori

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 16:38

How blessed we are. those of us who get to choose our family; thank you so much.

Mazey

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 16:40

All right now. Stop making me CRY.

del

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 16:47

Beautiful post. Now write something funny damnit, I am sick of being all teary.

Indigo

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 17:42

I lost Paul’s mom a year ago this past Dec. I felt the same way about her and I still achingly miss her. She was the mother I never had. 5 years was nowhere enough time for us. These words were beautiful and they resound in my heart loud and clear. (Hugs)Indigo

Amo

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 17:45

Okay, just lost my mom in October and while she really sucked at the whole mommy-thing, she did teach me how to be a good mom. (Through her mistakes.)

Even though it hurts, it is still wonderful to hear others who love theirs and haven’t been burned. To see a woman who was shaped by her mother rather than instead of.

Thank you. I hope my children love me as much.

Kate

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 17:53

Everyone should have someone like this in their life. I’m glad you do. :)

super mama

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 18:00

what a great birthday tribute! I am tearing up over here.

Dawn

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 18:17

That makes if official…I want to be you.

Misty

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 18:18

A very heartfelt post…

Momo Fali

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 18:31

My tears taste salty. Just so you know.

Keyona

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 18:35

Very very sweet. Family is great, blood or otherwise.

traci

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 19:09

I hope my friends feel that way about me.

ck

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 19:37

You are such a beautiful writer.

St

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 19:40

Stand-in moms rock. I’m certain they get extra heaven,

BedsideTalesMan

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 19:55

As a man…who does not cry….I will say that was a very sweet post.

raino

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 20:01

very nice shannon. very nice post. effin emotional now! thanks for that….

happy valentines day too

http://momofboxer.blogspot.com/2009/02/bathtub-licking.html

Lee of MWOB

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 20:03

My favorite kind of Mr. Lady post. Why I’m addicted to your writing – when your heart just pours out all over the page so effortlessly. It’s a gift.

And this woman – this other mom/friend of yours – wow. What a picture you’ve painted. I think we all want to hang out in that home now.

At least I know it’s the kind of home I want to create for my family….thanks for reminding me of that.

And oh yeah, I’m teary eyed too – like all the rest.

amy @ milk breath and margaritas

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 20:49

This is wonderfully done!

Off topic – as I opened this in Reader my son, who is learning to read, came up behind me and slowly sounded out the name of your blog. He then collapsed in a fit of giggles and now can’t stop saying it over and over again.

So thanks for the laugh too!

molly_g

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 20:51

Happy Birthday! I will always love you for loving my girl!

pgoodness

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 21:10

I want someone to feel like this about me some day.

This is beautiful.

joshman

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 22:26

Where was the devotchka fundraiser? Seeing them tonight!

Missives From Suburbia

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 23:27

Mm. I need a mom like this.

amysprite

Friday, 13 February, 2009 at 23:56

Do you think that every mother/friend strives to find the right person for this kidn of connection to form? Or is it that some people are just incapable of providing a home like this because they don’t want it??

I’m blessed with a mom like this and I hope to God that I give it to my children. I’m glad you found her.

Courtney

Saturday, 14 February, 2009 at 0:15

She sounds like a beautiful amazing woman and you’re lucky to have her just as I’m sure that she is blessed to have you!

Xbox4NappyRash

Saturday, 14 February, 2009 at 5:04

I guess I can hardly blame the PMS, that was beautiful.

Miss Britt

Saturday, 14 February, 2009 at 7:59

I think you know how much I get this.

(((hug)))

Ashlie- Mommycosm

Saturday, 14 February, 2009 at 8:28

Awww. I love it when you spill your heart all over the place…makes the funny that much more so. Beautiful.

tracey

Saturday, 14 February, 2009 at 9:15

Now THAT is a proper birthday letter. May her day be as special as she is to you.

NukeDad

Saturday, 14 February, 2009 at 9:28

Well, that beats a silly old birthday card any day! Well done, Mr. Lady.

ML

Saturday, 14 February, 2009 at 10:01

OMG – I really had no idea this existed in real life. The relationship or the ability to articulate so powerfully within it. I am awed. Thank you!!

rachel-asouthernfairytale

Saturday, 14 February, 2009 at 10:14

I am wrapping you in the biggest bear hug.
Oh honey.
You don’t need my words, because you know that you have my love, right? right.

Hugs and comfort to you darlin’.

Lo

Saturday, 14 February, 2009 at 10:24

your honesty never fails to astound me, change me and humble me. you are one hilarious woman but i think it’s these rare glimpses into what your soul is made of that make me silence myself and remember that for all of the bad things in this world, you can choose good.

you done did good, girl. thank you for this.

Tara R.

Saturday, 14 February, 2009 at 11:15

Very nicely done!

maggie, dammit

Saturday, 14 February, 2009 at 12:46

Beautiful, love.

Gnilleps

Saturday, 14 February, 2009 at 13:05

Where do you come up with this stuff… your emotional reservoir has GOT to run out some day. I can see you sitting behind your keyboard… “watch this, this will getum… muwahahahah!” (Just joking, I know this is all str8 from your heart.)

Who was this about…