Stifler’s Mom

I have this deal with my kids that I’ll only help out in their classrooms once each year. We do this because if I so much as walk into 2of3′s classroom, he has to stop what he’s doing and sit in my lap and tell everyone in earshot THIS IS MY MOM! and then nothing gets done. If I so much as walk into 1of3′s classroom, he spends the entire time calling me Ms Shannon and pretending he doesn’t know me and it makes my uterus die a little.

Snce elementary school classrooms are disgusting and smell funny (you know it’s true) what I do is chaperone one field trip per kid per year. I try to pick the fun ones, the outdoor ones, the ones that will allow 2of3 to hang all over me and 1of3 to deny my existence if the need be. I usually space these out over the school year. I also usually do them on The Donor’s day off so I’m not dragging a screaming 3 year old behind me the whole time.

Usually.

Apparently I forgot all the rules of field-trip engagement, because while the computer was broken I signed up for two (2) field trips within one (1) week of each other when The Donor had zero (0) days off and we had to drive or walk multiple (x) miles. In case abstract math isn’t your strong point, that equals twitching. Nothing that a Xanex and an SOS pad won’t cure with time, but still.

First up, High School. We walked 50 eight and nine year olds downhill a few miles, through traffic, to high school to see the beginnings of a totem pole. And then walked them back up.

Hover for descriptions; click to enlarge

And because that wasn’t enough, I turned around and took 60 nine to eleven year olds to Science World. With the three year old. For six hours.

And now I’ve fulfilled my contractual obligations to my kids for the year and 1of3 really hates me because one of the kids I drove really seemed to like the Weezer on the radio, really seemed to appreciate the cash I lent him for the gift shop toy, and really seems to have a crush on me now.

Matt

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 12:41

You know, if you pull your hand off a Tesla coil at just the right time the entire line goes up in flames. Did you know that?

SingleParentDad

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 12:43

Did you call 1 of 3′s friend Finchy?

daisy

Huh, are you feeling okay? Cause I know after that much exposure to any school, I would be coming down with something. Even if it was just so I could milk it and lay on the couch to recuperate (sp) for a while.

April

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 12:46

And I thought 2 Open Houses 2 nights in a row was bad!

SciFi Dad

Totem poles are cool.

Science centres are cooler.

Sexual awakening via a friend’s hot mom? Not only the name of an internet porn site, but also coolest.

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 12:47

your captcha blocks the p-word?!?

witchypoo

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 12:48

I didn’t do many field trips. I did hot dog day. And grossed out the other mothers by telling them there was no freaking way I was eating anything made mostly of lips and assholes.

punk rock mom

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 12:51

you kind of filled your obligations to 3of3 when it is her turn to walk to a totem pole and go to the science-y place! 2 birds my friend. 2 birds.

Jenny

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 13:37

2 field trips back to back, you deserve an award.. I did a field trip last week and by mid-day I was ready for it to be over with.

Kelly

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 14:00

Aw! Awesome Mom!

BusyDad

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 14:04

Lucky kid. Museum gift shop toys are the best. I still have a place in my heart for the girl who bought me a rubber ant when I was in first grade.

Hockeyman

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 14:21

Hmmm, well was he wearing a white tux and sharing whiskey with you? If so you may have a problem.

Xbox4NappyRash

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 14:27

Never before was there a better post title to suit a blogger.

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 14:38

I was going to say I was making notes for when my boys are older, but I was distracted by the comments. ;-)

Nicki

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 14:59

The science museum field trip sounds like fun, but the walking up and down the hill one sounds sort of nightmarish! Why did they do that??????????

Lee of MWOB

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 15:21

Well those photos make it all look so fun and awesome! How come pictures do that?

But what about that totem pole? It’s all seeming kinda cool. To me.

Maybe I need a field trip.

Dawn

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 15:26

Oh…lol…you are a braver soul than I. I am NOT allowed to do field trips for DD…she has forbidden me..I do get to help once a week for an hour during their centers, and 20 mins in art…that’s it…no more…she would prefer not to see me all day. Her classmates LOVE me…but that is besides the point.

DS is in middle school…I have been party mom for one of his classes, as well as doing several field trips…He doesn’t need me any more…I was NOT called when they went to see the Tale of Despardux or Medival Times…as far as his classmates know, he has no mother!

TMWW

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 17:07

LOL, I escaped field trips this year, somehow. (Keeping fingers crossed)

I might go with the one that’s next week to Maymont – the children’s farm. We’ll see!

Missives From Suburbia

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 19:02

If I had to name a MILF in my bloggy world, I guarantee you’re the first name that would come to mind.

Now that I’ve passed along that compliment (remember, I was also the one who once said you can take a punch!), I’m going to quickly mention that I am not making BlogHer after all. Something about my son’s birthday taking place that weekend. As if I don’t do enough for him day-in and day-out, right?

Nicole

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 19:28

Now you just need the MILF t-shirt for your next outing!

Nolabelfits

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 19:49

I’ll never forget taking 66 kindergartners ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT via bus and rail INTO THE CITY to WALK SIX BLOCKS TO attend a health and body museum. I nearly got whiplash from the constant head swivel.

ck

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 20:21

LOVE that group shot of the kids on the floor.

Ree

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 20:29

Will you chaperone my field trip to BlogHer? I mean, I already have a crush on you, so it may be anti-climactic for you, but …

Also, are you nuckin’ futs?????

sherri/the claw

Tuesday, 24 March, 2009 at 20:35

wait a minute, they want you to chaperone things? I didn’t sign up for that. Do we have to sign up for that?

ZDub

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 0:18

You are my role model. Seriously.

Mandy

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 0:20

Sorry, I couldn’t top Scifi Dad’s comment. He cracks me up.

You’re crazy taking all those kids to science world, but hey, if you get to shock them with electricity or set them on fire during a demo, it’s all cool.

Al_Pal

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 4:47

Yowza. Those trips sound fun, for a certain value of fun. :P

Ashlie- Mommycosm

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 7:26

Hilarious! My kids are too young to embarrass…I can’t wait!

Yeah, I took my first grader on a field trip this fall through a corn maze. We got lost and she realized for the first time that Mommy doesn’t know everything. Good times.

Robina

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 8:49

You are so freaking funny. But it looks like the 3of3 had a blast!

And you are right. Elementary school classrooms stink so bad! And so do preschools. What is up with that???

Gnilleps

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 8:56

Have I mentioned it’s nice to have you back on the internet… it’s like it died a little while you were out of pocket.

We have this teacher that literally counts up the children as she’s LEAVING field trips and doesn’t realize that 42 is not the same as 48. My wife, for whom all math is challenging, had her mommy sense tingle, she knew something was up. Now we have to attend all of them so the text’n 1st teacher doesn’t lose our kid.

So lets see if I get this post

Wood- hard wood, you – on a pole, and official milf status achieved… sounds like you had a great time. ( We should skip the exchange of money part, just makes the whole thing dirty and cheap)

RHW

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 9:21

Weezer rocks!

I’m actually looking forward to the school trips – does that make me a masochist?

Also, I’m pretty sure my geeky hubby will be all over the science related stuff. I’m surprised we don’t have a membership to the Science Centre here yet, though maybe he’ll wait until she’s 2. :p In fact, I’m pretty sure Geekling will have her own mad scientist lair by the time she’s old enough to bwa ha ha haaaa.

mn

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 9:38

I refuse to field trip, bc bus rides might make me nauseous. or panic, or whichever comes first. you so rock man. loaning money to another kid that is not your own is a really sweet thing. can you field trip my kids?
that is so cute that 20f3 wants to sit in your lap, awww. mine doesn’t give me much attention. infact he wants to be on his own. he’s 7.

Karen MEG

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 9:49

Geez, they’re starting younger, and younger aren’t they. Serves you right for loving Weezer…

I love Science World, but SIX HOURS???? You’re MILF of the year.

Momo Fali

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 10:30

My six year old would be ALL OVER you and he’s nowhere near puberty. Can’t say I blame 1of3′s friend one bit.

DC Urban Dad

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 12:51

Field trips rocked. Oh how I miss them.

Jennifer A

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 20:32

This is why I am the Girl scout cookie mom, will probably be conned to do something with Boy Scout Popcorn sales and come up with craft ideas for Indian Princesses. I also donate scrapbooking kits for auctions and that is it. I really don’t have the mental stability to be surrounded with 7 year olds or 4 year olds for any lenghth of time. Or the meds. And I don’t want anyone critiquing my music choices in my car.
My mom vounteered for ONE THING all the years I was in school. My dad helped with the Girl Scout cookies. they were quite happy with their choices.

moo

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 21:40

I love 2of3. He seems like such a little lover. I hope my boys end up like that (even if it IS a little annoying).

I’m finally all caught up with you after being MIA for 4w. And I have a contest over on my site.

LaskiGal

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 22:05

Kid crushes are rather flattering, ya know!

And you, gusty. GUTSY. And with a dying uterus and all . . .

Bobbi Janay

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 23:11

That is an awesome idea about the classroom thing.

the planet of janet

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 23:16

i haven’t been allowed within 50 yards of a school classroom since my high school freshman got out of 5th grade.

*weep*

MommyTime

Thursday, 26 March, 2009 at 9:29

You are crazy. Crazy but cool, that is, to do this with a three year old in tow. But you know that, of course.

Also? HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I’m sorry I’ve been blogging MIA, but life just butts in sometimes, y’know? Sending big birthday smooches, though…

Kristen

Thursday, 26 March, 2009 at 9:48

I don’t volunteer for anything that takes me into the classroom. And field trips are my own personal version of hell. I just don’t like other people’s children enough to torture myself that way. Glad there are parents like you who will do it though. More power to ya.

Pam

Friday, 27 March, 2009 at 9:41

I’m SO with ya on the fieldtrip thang, and employ similar strategies.

THEN…. there is the carpool. My 12yr old is a competitive swimmer and I regularly have to drive 5-7 kids to practice. http://pamsangleofrepose.blogspot.com/2009/01/soccer-mom-diaries-part-deux.html He has filled me full of rules. No commenting on conversations, no off-color jokes, no giving of advice, no singing to the radio. No Eagles CD. No reprimanding OPKs for potty mouth or inappropriate subject matter.

Can’t WAIT ’til he can drive HIMSELF.