When my boys were little, pre video games, pre going to the park with friends, when it was just them and me and a lifetime of time, we used to play this little game my mother played with us when we were little. I’d take my shirt off, lay on the floor, and have them write letters on my back with their fingers. I’d try to guess the letters, and even when I knew I always guessed wrong because there is no greater feeling in the world than outsmarting your mom.
Not only did they learn to write the alphabet really fast, but I got a little baby massage out of the deal. Win tothefucking win, yo.
When they started to bore with that game, we upped the ante. I’d get down to my chonies, lay on the floor and give them ball point pens or sharpies. They’d give me tattoos. They’d usually start with my fish and “finish” them, and then they’d go out from there. By the end, I had a full body tattoo, I’d blown at least an hour, if not two, and my kids had sugarplum wishes and ice cream dreams of being tattoo artists when they grow up. Because there is no greater feeling than having your kids understand that there’s something more to art than painting or sculpting, that it comes in all shapes and sizes and needle gauges.
And damn it, that shit felt awesome. And it annoyed the holy fuck out of my husband. Win tothemotherfucking win, yo.
Downside? Kind of hard to explain at work the next day.
So when I asked them last night to come mark and measure my back for my tattoo at BlogHer, I thought nothing at all of it. Seems par for the course, right? Funny how you forget that what seems like exactly just yesterday with your kids can actually be fairly close to a decade ago and they’ve got Pokemon cheat codes and Green Day lyrics and french grocery lists to store in their brains…they can’t be bothered to remember some totally endearing childhood moments or anything. They about died when I told them what I needed them to do. I reminded them that they used to do this all the time with me and they both looked at me like I was an insane person.
Like they’re the first or something. Pshaw.
So I bribed them. They accepted my terms and I started to take my shirt off. My 11 years old’s eyeballs turned and began to claw their way back into his skull. My 9 year old lept, LEPT backwards. I said look, dudes. You see my in my chonies all the time and they said ohmygod ewwwww mom! and I said you know what? It’s the exact same thing as a swimsuit exactly and the 11 year old said okay, I’ll keep telling myself that.
{Note for Future 1of3 and 2of3: The reason it is so frightening to see me in a swimsuit or my chonies is that YOU DID THIS TO ME. I looked like a blond Megan Fox before I opted to give you life, and you made me gain 105 pounds and they you made me gain 80 pounds, and it was totally worth it, so shut up. Momma loves you.}
Once the measuring tapes and the ink pens and the schematics came out, they were fine. They got right down to business and did a fantastic job making and marking all the right measurements, and then I made them take pictures of said back to send to my designer. They have never been so happy in their whole lives, partly because they got to use the big, new camera and partly because there is no greater way to humiliate their mother than taking photographs of her almost totally naked. Because you know she’s just going to plaster them all over the freaking internet.
Trying to lose some weight for summer, but don’t have the right motivation? Have my boys come take pictures of you in all your saggy-backed glory under halogen track lights. You’ll go throw up right that second and start the hardest diet and exercise routine of your life the next morning. Or drown your sorrows in cheesecake. Either way, win tothe win, yo.
PS: if you need a tattoo designer say, oh, for a tattoo you want to get at BlogHer, leave a comment and I’ll send you his email. You wouldn’t believe how good he is.
PPS: If even one of you tells me I look hot, or you’d kill for a back like that, I will punch you square in the teeth. I am 5′4″. And I cropped the ass out.
PPPS: Grab the badge. Just sayin’.
Tagged with: full frontal nudity, tattoos
Nicole
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 11:59If I say you’re hot and let you hold the baby on Saturday will that let me keep my teeth?
:)
Mr Lady
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:03@Nicole, No, but it will help.
Karen Sugarpants
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 15:20@Mr Lady, If I say you are hot and let you hold ME, will that help? :P
BusyDad
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:02If anything, I see a couple good tenderloins and ribeyes there. Where are my fava beans?
Mr Lady
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:04@BusyDad, FUCK YOU.
Nicole
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:08@Mr Lady, So saying you’re hot and letting you hold the baby will still make me lose my teeth, but HE can call you a couple of pieces of meat (and mention fava beans – ew) and just get a “Fuck you” out of it?
Pffft.
Mr Lady
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:12@Nicole, he’s a mixed martial arts fighter. I try to punch him in the teeth, he breaks my nose.
I’m holding that baby regardless, just so you know. Perhaps the entire time
Nicole
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 14:34@Mr Lady, Well, I guess if he broke your nose, you wouldn’t be as hot anymore.
And if you want to hold her the entire time, you’rre on diaper duty. And she may insist that you lactate.
BusyDad
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:12@Mr Lady,
OMG keyboard in mouth. Was referring to skillful butchershop diagram. Cow reference? that was just unintended and oh so Curb Your Enthusiasm-esque.
Mr Lady
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:15@BusyDad, sure you were. :)
Tara R.
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:02You do make the tat invite tempting. Tempting… when is the inking scheduled?
Mr Lady
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:03@Tara R., it’s all weekend long, whenever you book.
Jill
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:11How big of a reakin’ tattoo are you getting?!?!?
I got a ticket to Blogher today, so I’m official, FYI!
Mr Lady
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:12@Jill, THAT big. Squee.
Jill
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:16@Mr Lady, The Donor is going to have one hell of a surprise on his hands when you get back, isn’t he?
Mr Lady
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:23@Jill, he’s already having the divorce papers drawn up. :)
Audubon Ron
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:12Okay, you finally did it. I got NOTHING to say.
Mr Lady
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:13@Audubon Ron, I never thought I’d see the day. :)
robina
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:19So, you are covering your WHOLE back with a tatoo? What about the little fishie?? Any hint for us at all???
Mr Lady
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:24@robina, sorta kinda. And nope, not telling. It’s a secret.
April
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:21The trick is to wear your bra lower across the middle of your back – the back boobs will totally disappear!
Mr Lady
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:24@April, but then my knees will disappear too, behind my front boobs. I’ll take the back boobs.
Yo
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:37i want to see your ass at blogher!! alas, i am not going.
stomp of foot. flip of hair.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:36@Yo, You should fix that.
MidLifeMama
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:44Do you ever watch Miami Ink or LA Ink? Full back tattooes take for freakin’ EVER. You won’t even be able to attend any Blogher events. It might be easier if it is all one color, but still YIKES. And I don’t even want to know what my back would look like in a similar picture. I too am 5′4″ and freakishly short waisted. And I tragically cannot attend Blogher because I will be torturing myself the week before in Texas, in JULY at a work conference. BAH.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:36@MidLifeMama, I am 5′4″ and shortwaisted too. I care not. :)
Molly
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:53Holy crap I want a tattoo so badly. I’m going to have to live vicariously though you since I am A. not going to BlogHer and B. Have a blog that has been updated like twice yo and C. I’m 20 and the last time I called home and asked if my parents would still love me if I got a tattoo my dad said no. and D. I’m a Jew. and apparently tattoos are a big no no.
But holy crap I want one. SO BADLY. I want 12. All over. Starting with the one I have planned for my left wrist. and right foot. Damnit. just post pictures of everyone’s tattoos ok?
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:36@Molly, CAN DO!
Ree
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 12:58Wait. Does that tattoo say something about swinging asses?
(duck)(run)(fast)(I have longer legs)
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:37@Ree, *punch*
Keyona
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 13:01I won’t see you at BlogHer so….you look hot!
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:37@Keyona, brave, brave woman. :)
Kori
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 13:43Aha! We really ARE twins! I have those EXACT same stretch marks AND back boobs. Life is so sweet right now!
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:37@Kori, you just have a cuter haircut.
daisy
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 14:00Dude I’m not gonna be at blogher, but I am totally going to the people’s party. Also Back tat’s take for-ever! Mine is vines all over and it took 11 hours.
And I won’t say you’re hot (you are) but I will say Holly Shit Yo! Your back waist is only 11.5 inches?!? You suck! But in a good way.
How far is the ink shop from Chicago X? I might have to stop in and get something small just to commemorate the occasion.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:38@daisy, 5 minutes by cab, they say. ELEVEN hours? Oh, shit. I can’t even have sex for more than 45 minutes without getting bored off my ass. :)
Ms. Maxwell
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 14:18Your totally awesome back boobs are nicer than my not-awesome-at-all chest boobs.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:38@Ms. Maxwell, SHUT UP.
Jaina
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 14:22Haha, I love this story. Can’t wait to see the finished product after the conference ;)
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:38@Jaina, Me neither, sister. Me neither.
One Mom's Opinion
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 14:46I find it hard to believe your boys are so worried about seeing you half naked. Mine doesn’t think anything of it unless he’s in his underwear.
Have fun with the tat. I don’t get it the appeal, but enjoy.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:39@One Mom’s Opinion, my kids are PRUDES. And I totally approve of that. :)
daniel
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 14:53Obligitory Justin Timberlake reference…
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:39@daniel, I can’t believe no one else went there.
Missie
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 15:20Oh do I love you and your tat back. :)
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:40@Missie, duck, woman. Duck fast. :)
Diana
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 15:28Me, me, me! I want his email address.
Also, if I take pictures of MY back and send them to him will he design the tattoo with my back rolls in mind? Like they design book pages so as not to lose part of the picture in the binding? Just sayin’. That would rock.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:40@Diana, emailing it to you now. I actually thought I’d already replied to everyone’s comment. I gotta lay of the crack, man.
rachel-asouthernfairytale
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 17:08You’ve given me some ideas ;-) I remember when Princess was about 14 months old, we left her with her godfather, who has full sleeves and more… when we came to get her, she was in her diaper covered in sharpie tats: “just like unca daden” she told us.
I LOVED it!!
I can’t wait to see your completed tat and hope I’ll be able to go along for the ride, even if I can’t get one of my own.
Now running off to have someone take a pic of me in my bra so that I’ll be motivated to quit eating, put down the beer and start workin’ out.
Thanks.
<3
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:43@rachel-asouthernfairytale, dude, I gained 5 pounds since I took this picture. Bastard metabolism, I tell you what.
anne
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 17:13i love your crazy life.
and your realness.
can’t wait to see your ink.
wish i was goin’ to BlogHer!
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:43@anne, I can’t wait to see it, either! WOOT!
Dana
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 17:19LMAO! This is the shizzle.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:43@Dana, to the hizzle. :)
Marla
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 18:33I have a feeling you’re going to have a GREAT time at blogger. :D
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:44@Marla, me, too, baby. Here’s to remembering it this year. :)
Angella
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 18:56I can’t wait to hug you on Saturday. That is all.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:44@Angella, it was pretty epic, and THAT is all. :)
Middle-Aged-Woman
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 19:16Hey! Those are some swingin’ sexy hips. I’d totally switch teams for a feel.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:44@Middle-Aged-Woman, you get drunk enough, I won’t give you much of a choice. ;-)
tracey
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 19:33I love that they freaked out.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:45@tracey, they. died. They still aren’t over it. I successful scarred them for LIFE!
mn
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 20:11i had my pictures taken by my kids without much on. they were game.
but trust me, your back looks so much hotter than my back.
PS, not sure if i like the new feature of your replies posted with comments. bc it’s kinda hard to scroll through. i’ve always enjoyed reading what other people wrote back to back, just saying. your blog tho, i’m just a humble reader.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:47@mn, it’s taking me some time to adjust, too. But the freaking general consensus was this, so this it is.
And it almost forces me to reply to everyone, which is good, because WOW do I suck at that.
Niki
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 20:12Funny, in that picture it doesn’t look like back boobs, it looks like your ribs. Awesome hourglass you’ve got going on there.
Julie
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 20:56As a mother who’s gone up through the ranks in bra sizes over the years, I can tell you with 100% assurance that IF you do move up to a 38, your boobies will thank you! And, if you go with an underwire that has wider back wing things, your back fat will magically *disappear*. Wa-la!
And, if you’ve had back pain at all from the weight of the magical boobies, if you go up a size, it will make such a difference in any back pain you might/may have had. Better than a Flexeril with a Cosmo chaser.
I speak from the voice of experience. Now that I’m at that wondrous size of 40, it’s no longer any fun. I loved being in the 30’s. Even 38 doesn’t look that much different on the bra tag than 36, which to me, is PERFECT. You can always do what I do, and snip the size tag off the item. No one needs to know, sshhhhh.
Matt
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 21:09Bring the punches chika because I always thought you where hot. RAAWR.
Shelli
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 21:11My sister’s back boobs were bigger than her front boobs…in her WEDDING DRESS!!!!! I have the picture to blackmail…I mean prove it!
Nature Lovin' Super Mama
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 21:19divorce, steak, whole back tattoo’s, chicago, man I want to go! Can’t wait to see the finished photo, or photo’s :P…have a rockin’ time at blogher!
Clair
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 21:36Damn it, I wish I were going this year. I got my tattoo anyway, but it would have been way more fun with a crowd. I can’t wait to see yours.
Zoeyjane
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 22:12You waist-to-ass ratio is phenomenal, dood. I wish I had a curve going like that. Something to make the young ones say ‘ba-BOW!’ or something like so.
Laski
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 23:08I got so much going on right now, I don’t even have words (but I’m posting pics–I have to . . . someone dared me). OK, maybe a few words . . .
I have no ankles and hobbit feet. My belly is so huge an old man asked to touch it to see if it was real. My butt . . . my butt is screaming out in agony. My arms droop, flop, float, wiggle and jiggle . . . they need their exercise. And my face looks like a blown up pool toy.
The beauty of pregnancy? Beauty my arse. My BIG, HUGE, screaming in agony arse, that is.
Red
Thursday, 11 June, 2009 at 23:13You know, 1 and 2 wouldn’t make such a fuss seeing you in your chonies if you just walked around naked like I do.
Solves a lot of problems when I ask them to take naked pictures of me so I can post pictures of my arse on the internet.
And what the fuck bitch? You holding that tattoo artist’s email hostage? How the hell am I going to get a kicky ass tattoo of your name on my tit if I can’t plan it?
Jeanette
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 2:34Hehe cannot wait to see the end result
Momo Fali
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 4:32I’d totally hit that.
Amo
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 5:04Damn girl. And I thought I was all bad-ass because I got the green light for a nose stud.
Shit.
Once again, left on the porch.
yanicka
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 6:16Hi, do you mind sending me the email of the tattoo designer. I would love to have one for the 5 kids I gave birth to.
Thank you
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:48@yanicka, Sending it now. I really thought I’d replied to these already, but I am an idiot so sorry for the delay, honey. Here it comes…
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 6:22that doesn’t look like me…
Secret Agent Mama
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 6:50Go ahead and punch me, bitch.. You are hot and I’m gonna grope you!
MrsFinn
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 9:51my back boobs need a bra of their own… so when I say you look hawt- just you TRY to take me on!!! lmao…
Miss Grace
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 10:08I’m still waiting patiently for his email address :)
I have totes awesome back boobs too. It’s like a reverse cleavage thing.
Missives From Suburbia
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 11:16DAMN IT. I’m so jealous. I would definitely have gotten more ink if I was going.
Now I’m going to let you in on my little secret: Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred. It’s a mother of a workout, but it’s only 20 minutes, and my back fat has disappeared. The muffin top is starting to fade. I’m going to turn 40 in December with rock hard abs if it kills me (and it just might).
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:50@Missives From Suburbia, SHUT UP!!!
Missives From Suburbia
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 11:17P.S. Not to say YOU have back fat. Or anything. You know. Rawr.
Fuck. That was ALL kinds of wrong, wasn’t it? Spank me.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:50@Missives From Suburbia, promises, promises…
Expat Mom
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 14:01Hmm. I won´t say you`re hot because I´ve been to the dentist enough this year, but you definitely look better than ME in a bra. Also, why are you saving the whole “you did this to me” speech? I tell my kids that every time they decide to play with my belly fat or point out my stretch marks going, “Mama, owies!”
Avitable
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 14:20Can you tittyfuck back boobs?
Avitable
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 14:21@Avitable, Oh, and seriously? Hot. Yes. HOT.
Mr Lady
Friday, 19 June, 2009 at 20:51@Avitable, I dunno. Wanna find out? ;-)
Giselle
Friday, 12 June, 2009 at 14:29Brave, woman, very brave.