I am continually in the process of deciding whether or not to out my Super Secret Alter Ego on this blog. Like the other day, I was quoted in one of those big, people in Volgograd have heard of it, way over my reading level news sources but I can’t tell you about it because A) they quoted me, not Mr Lady and B) they used the one and only boring, responsible line I’d rattled off during the most brilliantly witty 10 minutes I’ve ever spent on the phone. And then today some other big-shit news broadcasting company had me in their studio to talk about the original quote. And how I danced and danced around whom I may or may not pretend to be on the internet with them.
Because I’m just not entirely comfortable with people reading this blog yet.
I mean, it’s not like I mind you reading it. You’re fantastic, and I love your shoes. And to you, I am a few black letters hammered out onto a white template with an astonishingly copyright-breaking background. I’m a few pixels crammed together into a 4X6 space on the internet. I am a transgender myth. I am no one. When you close your screen, I go away and I don’t come back until you do. And I like it that way. I like the total lack of commitment that keeping this blog brings with it. I can’t let you down, you’ll never be disappointed or shocked or outraged, not truly, because I don’t exist.
And so I keep typing. Truth is, I’m still not anywhere near used to the fact that anyone but the 10 people who’ve always read it do. I try to not look at my stats, because I just don’t need that sort of reality in my fake plastic life. I like to pretend that I’m still talking to myself, and that I am the only one listening, and that way I can just say whatever the hell I want and laugh at myself next year for being so obtuse and no one is the wiser.
But you are the wiser, aren’t you? You are there, you do read this piece of crap blog and you listen and you laugh at me tomorrow, because it doesn’t take you a year to see what a screw-up I am. The question is, do I want my mother in law to be the wiser? The answer is hell no. Do I want my constant daily companions, my friends and neighbors, to know all of this, this other side of me that is firmly lodged in the realm of misperception? I don’t know the answer to that.
A few weeks ago, one of my neighbors got me trah-rashed and got my blog url out of me. He is an actual, real, respectable and published author and hasn’t really said whether or not he’s skeeved out of his skin over my blog just yet. He did say that you know your way around a sentence, Mr. Lady, and I think it’s fairly safe to say that I’ve never, ever been so flattered in my whole life and also, it’s so veryvery wrong that I found that statement to be ohmygodso hot. It’s a character flaw; I’m working on it.
A few days ago, one of my other neighbors found me on twitter. I don’t know if he was looking or not, but somehow he found me. And it turns out, he’d read my blog before he was my neighbor, he just didn’t put two and two together until the whole Great Twitter Debacle of 2009. We saw each other out front yesterday, and for a fleeting moment his alter-ego saw my alter-ego and those alter-egos looked at each other like you look at the guy the morning after and wonder, “Um, name? Name, dammit, name. Also, where the fuck is my bra?”
But you know what? It was over right then, and we were back to normal. Luke and Shannon, chasing their kids, watching them play Sonic the Hedgehog together, talking about sunburns and popsicles and crap. The world did not end. The universe did not open up and swallow me whole. My neighbors don’t think any less of me, that they’re admitting, and I am not quite as mortified as I’d imagined I’d be when this all started to come out.
Because I know it’s going to come out eventually. I’m not an idiot. Well, not totally.
There’s no reason I don’t want my mother in law to read this blog. I think she might actually enjoy it, once she got over the fact that I’ve lied to her for five years about how I know this person or where I met that person or why I keep scuffling off to conferences when, last time she checked, stay at home moms didn’t host nation-wide conferences for each other. Though they should.
My husband has told his best friend, his boss, his boss’ boss, his boss, the bartender and his old girlfriend who is, in her own right, a very big deal on the internet. And most all of them will still look me in the eye on occasion. I, however, am having a hard time reciprocating.
I’m pretty sure my own mother has already found this blog. I can’t be certain, but the odds are really high. I know my little brother has found it, though he’s never mentioned it to me, but he’s not mentioned anything to me in 17 years, so I can’t fault him too much for not delurking. And you know what? I stopped caring. I stopped going out of my way to hide from them a few months ago, and if they read it, they read it. If it hurts my mother, well, quid pro quo, bitch. I’m still fairly certain that I don’t want my father and step-mother reading it, not just yet, but I’ve only got so long on that one because my older brother is quite literally Mr Lady’s biggest fan and he Will Not Stop linking my shit on Facebook. Hi, Karen and Ed! Really, don’t read the archives. You’ll disown me. Oh, wait….
I worry about my children. That is probably the most hypocritical thing I’ll ever say, seeings as how I have this penchant for plastering their sweet, innocent faces all over the internet, but it’s true, and maybe because of that. I could tell you my last name and my real location and that probably wouldn’t affect me too much, but then I’m telling you their last names and real locations and that certainly does affect the shizznit out of them. They don’t have a blog, they didn’t ask for this, and is it really in my right to hand them over to the internet that way?
Or is that the world’s greatest excuse for being a big fat chicken shit who likes to hide behind avatars?
Because the truth of the matter is that, while Mr Lady is loud and assertive and unabashed, Shannon is quiet and cripplingly shy and demure and she really, really enjoys her privacy. Hell, it took her three years to tell her spouse she had a blog, at all. And they, she and I, we? Are two completely different people. Fortunately, I’m just crazy enough to be able to compartmentalize these two facets of my existence and play one roll when need be, then switch back to the other personality when it’s time. Systemic childhood abuse? Blogger Prep School.
So I have all of this swirling around in my head this morning at butt-fuck o’clock this morning and I swing into Starbucks so I can, well, exist, and I put the orange mocha frappuccino they hand me into the cup-holder and lo and behold, this is what glared back at me the entire drive home:
That says:
The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to the rest of your life.
And then is says it again in French. I got bitch slapped in two different languages, for the lowlow price of $4.95 + GST, PST, and the carbon tax, and I’m still not quite awake yet.
But I am in the Wall Street Journal and on CBC’s radio show and webpage. And that’s as close to this closet door as I’m able to come today. Now please excuse me; I have to go throw up.
Tagged with: Biography
sherpamom
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 8:42Funny, I have the CBC as my home page (i miss my West Coast) but didn’t connect the rare humpback sighting in PEI w/ you?! Next time, call – I’m only a short border-crossing away!
Mr Lady
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 14:31@sherpamom, snort!
the planet of janet
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 8:43i had a near twitter disaster when someone from real life found PLANET OF JANET there. i mean, seriously, i freaked the fuck out.
guess that means i’m not ready either, huh?
the planet of janet
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 8:44@the planet of janet, oh, except for the part where i am not even, like, .0001 percent as cool and famous as both mr lady *and* shannon. xox
Mr Lady
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 14:31@the planet of janet, shut. the. fuck. up. You rock and you know it.
Momo Fali
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 10:04I know who you are. Neener, neener.
Mr Lady
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 14:31@Momo Fali, and I know who YOU are, and neener neerer.
Zoeyjane
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 10:28You know me. I don’t think that I have to tell you about my theory that when you have had pasts like ours, with the dysfunction and the parental…mismanagement, etc. it’s healing to write about it. It’s healing AND freeing to put your actual stamp on it. Whether that means you call yourself Mr Lady or Shannon or Mary Magdalene on your blog, it doesn’t matter, really. What, I think matters in reference to that one facet of you is that if you’re hiding behind a name out of shame, it’s no good.
I don’t really see you doing that.
What I do see is that Shannon and Mr Lady aren’t actually that different people. You laugh just as loudly and throatily as Mr Lady might, you crack the same one-liners that seem deadpan at one moment and pure comedic gold in the next, you’re the same mom and friend. I think, on some level, you see the popularity of Mr Lady and it seems grandiose in comparison to what you think Shannon is capable of.
But that’s bullshit. I know better. And one day, you might have just a smidge more confidence in your writing and inherent awesome to go: you know what? I’m not insignificant and I can write and I do so with so much more transparency that I thought I did.
xo
Mr Lady
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 14:29@Zoeyjane, but transparency requires bravery, and that is one trait that Mr Lady and Shannon both do NOT possess. And I think that me being able to write about my past and separate myself from it is the most healing thing I’ve ever done. I can give it all to Mr Lady and be done with it.
OMG MR LADY IS MY HIGHER POWER.
I think it’s time to up the meds….
Zoeyjane
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 14:33@Mr Lady, Well, if MrLady can restore Shannon to sanity, you’ve worked step two just fine. ;)
“Keep blogging. It works if you work it.”
schmutzies
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 10:37You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/08/five-star-fridays-edition-65.html
Xbox4NappyRash
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 10:40I was 100% private for the best part of two years, and one by one people found out, and then there was the whole national newspaper and radio thing.
That kinda busted me.
Luckily my own family are illiterate so I’m still safe. (a lie)
I KNOW everyone I know reads it, I pretend to myself they don’t, or I wouldn’t be able to write a thing.
That physical and literal manifestation of my denial makes me feel great.
Mr Lady
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 14:27@Xbox4NappyRash, yeah, I wonder that about you sometimes, because you write about the one thing I will never be able to bring myself to. And I like when you do. Maybe overly. ;-)
Missives From Suburbia
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 12:50Come out and play, Shannon. You might as well bask in the glory you’re earning, right? Tell yourself you deserve the spotlight, and then carry on as if it’s business as usual.
Mr Lady
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 14:26@Missives From Suburbia, BUT I DON’T WANNNA!
SecondHand Karl
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 12:57First of all, you’re a big deal on the Internet because you’re that fucking good.
Second, my family reads my blog…at least on occasion. My mom reads EVERYTHING, and has for 2 years. Ugh. I had to make a conscious decision not to let this affect my writing, so I pretend that no one I know offline reads my blog. Otherwise, my voice would be forever altered and I can’t have that shit.
Third, systemic abuse? Yeah, I relate. More than you know.
Very glad I’ve finally gotten around to reading your blog.
Mr Lady
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 14:26@SecondHand Karl, pretending is SO MUCH FUN, isn’t it?
Deb on the Rocks
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 14:20This sentence made me suck in my breath:
Fortunately, I’m just crazy enough to be able to compartmentalize these two facets of my existence and play one roll when need be, then switch back to the other personality when it’s time. Systemic childhood abuse? Blogger Prep School.
and reminded me of something I managed to avoid learning for a long time about my life: everyone knew, what I thought I hid and compartmentalized, everyone saw it leaking everywhere, and if they didn’t tell me or put the clues together it’s because they simply didn’t want to. And dammit, how was I the god-damned last to “know” that? Maybe that’s true of blog lives, too.
So, what I guess I’m saying is, I’m wondering if it’s inevitable, because I’m wondering if you are already out, mostly. Or maybe I’m talking about me.
But also? This think happened, maybe about a year and a half ago, when there was an unspoken pressure in the blogosphere to show your face or be dismissed as less thatn authentic. And that threw disruptive dynamite into a lot of scenes. Sometimes I wish that hadn’t happened.
Mr Lady
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 14:25@Deb on the Rocks, I think that you’re right, it IS true of blog lives, too. And you’re way more out than I am, but maybe I’m out more than I think. My friend Anne Nahm once sent me an email saying that she was loving the way I kept accidentally coming out, bit by bit. And I’d never realized before that I was, and that she was right.
About that thing that happened a year and a half ago? I saw that, too, and really, I spent 17 years letting one group tell me how to live my life, and I ain’t never doing that again. I don’t care if anyone think I’m authentic or not, to be honest, and I am pretty sure you don’t, either. And our secret identities are way too infatuated with each other for us to kill either one of them, right? RIGHT.
un
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 15:31I actually cackled aloud at mr ladys reply to my whinge …..as I often do with this blog and comments . My kids all wanted to know what it was …… Just my on line novel about people with secret lives ….so mrlady /shannon ….and related bloggers If I may vote …please dont change a thing .
Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 17:55It took me awhile to tell my husband I had a blog too. And now that my mom and other family members know about it? Stifling. There’s a LOT of things I need to get off my chest, things I’d like to now if I’m not alone in experiencing or feeling, but I can’t do it on my own space anymore. And it kinda sucks.
That being said, my family’s appearance in a women’s magazine has been very positive. I was worried about having my last name, city and my son’s face “out there” more than it has been so far. But, I had to trust my instincts and step out of my comfort zone.
None of that really helped you though, huh? :D
And you absolutely are internet royalty! Wear that tiara proudly!
Ree
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 19:43Awesome darling. I’ve known it all along.
Maria
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 21:43I would give my right nut to sit down and talk about this with you over coffee. I have too much to say and ask for this wee comment box.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
Friday, 7 August, 2009 at 21:55I don’t have the energy to be more than one person. I applaud you for hiding your persona in real life.
And who did I kiss at BlogHer? Shannon or Mr Lady?
diamond dave
Saturday, 8 August, 2009 at 1:16I feel you. My whole idea of a blog was to have a brain depository where people could get to know me without really getting to know me. I don’t put anything in it really earth-smashing, and I pseudonym all innocent parties, meaning everybody but myself, but I keep it separate from family and close friends. I don’t live in fear of them discovering it, but I’m happier if they don’t. That includes my wife. I’ve made it a point not to use it as a bitch box about our disagreements, but I do tend to dump my thoughts and feelings in it uncensored, so I prefer to keep it to myself. My family friendly stuff I post over on Facebook. And I never want it to become one of those uber-popular blogs averaging 150 comments a day (who can keep up with all those?) because I’ll only let down those who think I’m great and expect a post out of me every day. I’m no more significant than the next schmo or schmette sharing bytes online.
Mr Lady
Saturday, 8 August, 2009 at 11:59@diamond dave, my family stuff is all on a veryveryvery private facebook page, too. I like the separation of Church and Inlaws, very much so indeed.
EarnestGirl
Saturday, 8 August, 2009 at 1:18Mr.Lady IS your superpower.
And, to quote Toni Morrison, you are your best thing.
Trust Starbucks, or your heart. Or a little of each. Do with your various selves as you will, because whichever way you choose to hold yourself up to the light, you shine and flash and throw darts of colour. These are the many sides of you.
And you keep me up way too late at night with all this shimmering.
Mr Lady
Saturday, 8 August, 2009 at 11:58@EarnestGirl, it’s not shimmer, it’s just that I really need to BLOT.
Liam
Saturday, 8 August, 2009 at 11:08My girlfriend was the one that found your blog first. Busydad and yourself gave her some advice on getting married back when you where running that joint venture. Made a huge difference for me. Difference as in she relaxed alot and I didn’t have to feel like a jerk for not being on the same timeline as her. So I figured I’d find out who had given her this Advice. Now I find myself here quite often.
I think you should keep doing what you are doing. I like reading your blog because of what it is. You don’t need to tell me your name, or show me where you live, or add me to facebook. And unless coming out of the blogging closet empowers you or gives you some freedom, I don’t see why you would. Are you doing it for you or for someone else?. I’m only guessing but I think you created this whole thing for you. This was yours before it ever found us.
Just my two cents.
Mr Lady
Saturday, 8 August, 2009 at 11:57@Liam, I love your two cents. Thank you, dude. And we’ve REALLY got to lay that blog on a concrete slab in the middle of a lightening storm and shock it back to life. Hopefully without all the toddler eating and green skin, though.
Jaynie
Saturday, 8 August, 2009 at 23:43@Mr Lady, And as the girlfriend of Liam, I feel I should throw my two cents in. I can certainly attest to your comments to me having me stop freaking the hell out about every detail of my future relax about where I’m at in life. And that’s what you do. You are hilarious and heartbreaking in one paragraph, all from honestly sharing your life, whether as Shannon or Mr Lady.
You go ahead and do whatever makes you happy. I hope you can do that and also find a way to keep telling the truth. We like it!
Kristin
Saturday, 8 August, 2009 at 18:34Ah, yes, I just came across this issue last week while on a terrifyingly awful 10 days in Montana with zero internet and little cell service. And my daughter talking teenage smack about how my blog is open to everyone on the internet and how some dude named “Scum” posted some comments a couple weeks ago and how creepy was that? Up til then, the only outsider to my blog was SciFi Dad, but she’s pointed out that I don’t know him either. “But he has kids” I say. “Mo-om. You don’t know that.” And she’s flippin right, too. So here I am telling her about being careful on the internet and whoa, wait, I wasn’t all too careful. When I started, it didn’t occur to me that other people might read it – I meant it for my family and therefore, wasn’t all that terribly disguising of my crap.
Pat on the back for parenting. Yup.
Expat Mom
Saturday, 8 August, 2009 at 23:20I have serious issues with people in real life reading my blog. Turns out anyone who is even thinking about Guatemala comes across it. And then they hunt me down in McDonald’s or at the market in Antigua and yell at me. Stuff like, “YOU’RE FAMOUS! I READ YOUR BLOG!” and “OMG, you’re kids are so cute, you have to put up more pics!”
Which isn’t so bad, though definitely unnerving. The worst is when, like you, people I KNOW find my blog. And then they call me up and talk to me about stuff I said on there. Now that is just creepy. And it is the main reason I no longer post 2-3 times a day, I’m totally tongue-tied! So thanks for continuing to blog even if it is making you nervous. :D
Miss Britt
Sunday, 9 August, 2009 at 19:19“Because the truth of the matter is that, while Mr Lady is loud and assertive and unabashed, Shannon is quiet and cripplingly shy and demure and she really, really enjoys her privacy. Hell, it took her three years to tell her spouse she had a blog, at all. And they, she and I, we? Are two completely different people.”
Um, sweetheart?
I call bullshit on that.
If this blog was a work of fiction than MAYBE.
But no way.
They are, I think, just two DIFFERENT parts of the same person.
And we all have that going on in some way or another. :-)
Miss Britt
Sunday, 9 August, 2009 at 19:20THEN maybe. THEN.
Fuck. Now you have ME all self critical thinking that a REAL author might be reading your COMMENTS!
rougeneck
Sunday, 9 August, 2009 at 19:31So you did an awesome job of summing up most of my fears and anxieties about blogging, Twitter and in general choosing to lead a very public life on the Internet while still expecting and wanting to maintain more than a small modicum of privacy. Only – my big fear is that work peeps will find my blog (God – Google my name and the first thing that comes up is my Twitter profile which leads you right to my blog). And while the universe did not open up and swallow you whole when you and your neighbor came face to face, I am not so sure I’d be so lucky.
mommiebear2
Monday, 10 August, 2009 at 6:48Although I am hardly getting noticed by tv stations and newspapers, I do understand about not wanting everyone to know about your blog. I choose not to tell any of my friends or family because I like to be able to write freely, I dont want to have to edit my posts because I dont want to hurt this person or piss this one off. I know I have readers out there, but they are just that to me, people who like to stop by from time to time to see what silly shit I have written today, and I want to keep it that way.
Kim S.
Monday, 10 August, 2009 at 9:29My vote? Don’t out yourself. You are a fantastic writer and we are all riveted by your stories. With your anonymity, you have the freedom to interpret the world the way you see it. You may lose that magic once you let it all out.
Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy
Monday, 10 August, 2009 at 14:27My local paper outed me last year without my permission. They mentioned my blog and used my name along with it. Now all of my good friends grandmothers read my blog. So does a lot of my family.
I can no longer bitch about my family or my vagina without feeling somewhat ashamed. I can’t say anything. I feel violated as a writer. I feel like I can never truly share what I am thinking or who I am, because I know that my goddamn neighbor is reading it and contemplating whether he still wants to mow my lawn or not, because jesus fucking christ, she says the f word sometimes. Having so many people that know me in real life read my blog is one of the worst things that has ever happened to my writing. I now feel completely incapable and uninspired. I feel judged with every sentence I write. I never felt that way when it was just my invisible internet audience. I hate it.
That is all.
Katherine
Monday, 10 August, 2009 at 22:16I’d be worried. Whenever I write anything that’s not too cheery I get flak from certain people that are much like your MIL that I’m not grateful enough or happy enough and that I’m bringing the family down. It takes all the fun out of it, so I think anon is the way to go. (And if you ever do go public, please delete all my comments first). But I’m so very pleased you let me in on the secret because I’d never have gotten to see how amazing you are otherwise (you’re just too damn far away). Separate personalities or not, this is coming from inside you somewhere.
If you want to send me a link or two, I’d be thrilled. ; )
Jaina
Tuesday, 11 August, 2009 at 14:04I love you. But you knew that ;) Great post! I absolutely loved it. And that quote…wow, what a quote!! That’s going to be kicking my butt for days.
just beth
Tuesday, 11 August, 2009 at 16:34You know what, Mr. Lady? I’m going to skip right over all the fantastic-ness that is your blog and how I enjoy reading you and go straight to looking at you with my ‘I’m so disappointed in you I’m practically pissed off’ look.
I EXIST. even when you shut YOUR computer down, and stop thinking about ME, and how what you’ve written has shook up my world, I EXIST. And weird as it may be, I think about you and Tanis and Catherine and Adam and Maggie and I can’t wait to visit you again. Your words are an inspiration even if you don’t mean them to be.
You (and those guys I mentioned) make me believe in myself because through your words you give me confidence I don’t have in my own words.
So there.
Keep in under the radar, keep yourself separated from yourself if you like, but please do not EVER AGAIN assume that we, YOUR readers, don’t matter. Not like, ‘don’t matter’, don’t matter, but you know… shit, now this is sounding really bitchy and I really meant it tongue in cheek and kinda respectful like and now I just sound stupid and mean.
sorry.
I’m going to stop now. I haven’t written anything but an errant comment in months, now, and unfortunately for YOU, you are bearing the brunt of that.
sorry again.
Oh, and I love you.
xo
b.
p.s. please don’t be mad. shit. i’m hitting your ‘hit me, yo.’ button anyway.
b.
craftytammie
Wednesday, 12 August, 2009 at 8:59I started blogging when our daughter was a baby, as a way to remember all the funny shit that I knew I’d forget immediately. My husband was SO not supportive at first, he actually said to me “it’s boring. it’s just you talking about what you did today.” and I was all, “first of all, duh? second, I am anything but boring.”
Now it’s been 5 years, and my mom hates it. She hates how I talk about my kids (which is truthful and not always pleasant). I think mostly she hates that all of my Dad’s family read it. My husband is now a big fan, who tells all his friends to read it, and gets mad if I don’t post often enough.
I am still shocked when anyone tells me they read it- because hardly anyone comments. But I introduced myself to another mom at storytime one day, and she was all “I know, I read your blog” and that moment creeped me the fuck out. Like, I don’t know who you are, how the hell did you find me?? And did I say anything rude about where I live? But, that’s the internet for you.
Anyways, enough rambling. I love reading you – never realized you were a multiple personality kind of chick, but aren’t we all? an angel at the PTA meeting, a devil in the bedroom, and all that.
daniel
Wednesday, 12 August, 2009 at 12:11Fuck anonymity – To Thine Own Self Be True (or some shit like that).
My mother in law reads my blog. If I don’t have the balls to live with what I say, I don’t say it. Granted, my blog is more idle at this point while I try to figure out how to blog in any interesting manner.
I stopped reading several blogs because they were too wrapped up in their privacy to be entirely honest. Somehow you manage to post about the personal family stuff and protect your identity enough to feel secure. That’s why I keep reading, because you’re actually sharing your life.