I have some back problems. They’re not “end of the world” back problems, but most certainly prone to being “abrupt end of my day” back problems. Basically, the right side of my back has decided to wage global-thermo-nuclear warfare the rest of my body, and it’s gotten the entire right side of my body to join in it’s jihad.
This shit hurts like a motherfucker a good deal of the time.
I’ve tried everything to fix it. I’ve handed thousands of dollars over to a chiropractor in Denver whom, I am pretty sure, used it all on midget porn. I’ve done yoga, but when your stomach hangs the way my stomach hangs, yoga stops being classically graceful and fascinating to watch and becomes something Quentin Tarentino wouldn’t be comfortable putting on screen. I’ve gone to a billion doctors. I’ve cried. I’ve eaten my body weight in ibuprofen. This afternoon. Nothing helps.
When I moved up here to Ye Ole Canada, I figured that it might take a while but I’d maybe be able to actually get this fixed, what with the social medicine making sure I don’t have to bankrupt myself for help. I went to several different doctors who ran several different tests and all of them were inconclusive at best. My current doctor, whom I am sort of in love with, actually went so far as squeezing me in for a CT scan, which came back normal.
Because guess who’s back didn’t hurt the day of the scan? Go on, I’ll give you three tries.
It’s gotten to the point where I know, without any doubt, exactly what the problem is and I have a general idea of how it would need to be fixed, but my doctor isn’t about to let someone slice me open without an MRI, and that would take no less than a year to get, so he’s told me that yes, I’m probably right about what I think, but just keep taking those Motrin and it’ll go away someday.
Which, in doctor speak, means “when your birth certificate expires.” I’m just not that patient.
He offered to do some nerve conductivity test, but then forgot. He ordered a bunch of bloodwork for me to have drawn, and I lost the forms. I asked him what to do if this continues to get worse, and he told me to get an exercise ball and do these completely pornographic sorts of back-bends and splits and bouncy things on it. I think he has the hots for me. Or wants me to have more children. Either way, I’m not buying my kids an $85 bouncy ball that’s bigger than their head in the name of physical well-being. That’s what I buy Guinness for.
The last time I was in his office, he wrote me a prescription that read, not kidding, “Shannon has monster feet and needs orthotics” and wrote me another one that I thought I was mis-reading. I looked at it. I held it up to a mirror. I turned it upside down. I asked a Ouija board. I kept getting the same answer.
The man prescribed me Birkenstocks.
And I figured that it’s finally happened, that the province has run out of tax money for medical care and they’re throwing any old diagnosis at people just to make them so annoyed, they’ll stop coming to the doctor already. Or drive to Seattle. Which would just make my back hurt worse. So I went to the shoe store and talked to a lady forever and bought my very first pair of tree hugging hippie shoes (with my husbands own money, thankyouverymuch FTC) and you know what?
Those bitches Changed My Life.
My back still hurts, but more in a “I have a really good reason to whine today, and possibly get away with not washing the dishes” way than the “I’m going to give this Playdough Thanksgiving set plastic knife to my daughter and let her dig out a chunk of my spine with it” way. I actually feel better when I wear these shoes. A lot better. Like, I don’t ever want to take them off better. See, my normal flat feet don’t sit properly on the floor, and that throws my entire spine off and makes me stand all funny which throws my back off more, and then everything pinches and tightens up and the entire right side of my body starts talking about seceding from the Nation of Me in revolt. And the Birks? They fix it. They make my feet set properly on the ground. They rotate my arches way the hell up, and keep them there, and they mold to my feet to make sure that everything continues to stay where it belongs. And it makes the pain stop.
They look completely fucking ridiculous with a slinky black cocktail dress on, but I’ve never been one to put fashion over comfort, so there’s that. Don’t like it? Don’t look down. Doctor’s orders, yo.
So I am now officially one of THOSE people who wears brown hippie shoes with woolen socks under them and once I move to Boulder, Colorado and stop shaving my armpits and start humping trees, my transformation will be complete. And I’ll be so close to pain free, I may actually be able to notice the other little pains, like all the crotch splinters. Humping trees ain’t for the faint of heart.
Tagged with: birkenstocks, social medicine
Mamapajama
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 10:26…and it’s posts like this that keep me coming back. Self deprecation for the entertainment of others…funny stuff. On the flip side, I empathize with the mystery back pain. I’ve been there myself.
Cory
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 11:07Utah?
The limit of crazies in the Republic of Boulder has long been reached.
Avitable
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 11:08I think you should take a picture with your Birkenstocks like the one in your Crocs. And then send it to me.
MFA Mama
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 11:24Dude get some orthotics. My custom orthotics CHANGED MY MOTHERFUCKING LIFE. My neck and back have never been so cooperative with my greater goals of, you know, walking and shit. It’s awesome.
BrassyMom
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 11:25Have you tried Yoga Toes? They’re these crazy jelly toe separaters that readjust your foot. I found that they work wonders on foot and leg pain, and if I use them often enough my back starts to loosen up too.
Chris
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 11:25You’ve got hippie shoes? Wow. I guess I’ll let it slide. I mean, it’s not like you’ve got a fanny pack. Wait, you don’t have a fanny pack, do you? Please.
jen
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 11:28Doesn’t it suck having jacked-up feet? My arches are ridiculous-high so finding comfortable shoes is like a quest for Atlantis.
David
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 11:54Function totally trumps form. If the slinky black dress is hot enough, who cares what’s on your feet?
P.S. You’re still killer funny, even when you’re in monster pain.
Darcie
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 12:10Back pain is the worst!! (oh wait, maybe childbirth was — problem is I REMEMBER the back pain, the childbirth…not so much) I’m glad you have found relief, and the next time my back goes out — I’m buying some birkie’s!
Hockeyman
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 12:16I agree with Avitable, only share the pic. ;)
Also, what about those crocs? Perhaps they will or can offer you an alternative to the birks? I won a pair of the new Prepair line and they do work well in recovery after playing soccer. Not sure if the same theories behind their construction would apply to your situation, but perhaps worth a shot.
I’m sorry your back hurts so much, but if you do get to humping trees I would use protection. Never know who else that tree has been with.
Ashlie- Mommycosm
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 12:32Birks?! You’ve clearly crossed to the dark side. Welcome.
Jennifer
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 13:22Birks?!? Yikes. They don’t make a stiletto. (not thinking about personal back pain. not thinking about back pain. not thinking about back pain..)
Argh! If my doctor prescribed that he’d get a high heel in his eye socket. I’m holding out until I can have my spine replaced with titanium with urethane bushings. No birks.
One Mom's Opinion
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 13:42Glad that Birks helped.
Coach J
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 13:42That’s funny stuff, but seriously, Birkenstocks? I wear my “fuck me” boots as often as possible and it would take some serious back pain to make me give them up for Birkenstocks.
Okay, NOW I’m being serious. Have you tried weight training to strengthen your core? This may be the coach in me talking, but strengthening your core is a simple way to cure a lot of other physical woes.
Alex
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 13:50No joke: I got engaged a couple of weeks ago and I said to my friend, “OMG! I don’t have to wear heels do I? I really don’t want to wear heels.” She responded with “It’s your wedding, you can wear whatever you want.” They make white Birks…DONE.
Catherine
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 14:23Woolen socks? Maybe that’s how you crazy socialists roll but you should remember that boulderites are vegans and therefore wear fleece socks with their burks, not wool.
Pooba~
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 14:58OK… being female I also over-extended myself and for 2 & 1/2 years been sufferin… but know the one thing I’ve found that helps… something so simple…
Know what you do if you sprain your ankle… you wrap it tightly… right???
SO I got a panty girdle… not one that makes me 3 sizes smaller… just one that is the right size or perhaps one size larger… and I wear it every day… it’s black -> kinda sexy… and it really helps… it just supports my back and my hips…
At first I wore it day and night (I bought 3 or 4 of them),,, now I only have to wear it during the day…
IT WORKS… just send $$$$.
Condo Blues
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 15:44Wearing Birkenstocks in the summer I can handle. Not fashion forward but good for a day walking at the dog park. Birks with socks? No way! I checked their website. They make an insole http://www.birkenstockusa.com/products/women/insoles. Will that work for winter?
Please don’t wear socks with sandals. Ick!
Veronica
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 16:07Dude. I’ve got a referral to be fitted for orthotics in 4 months time. On my baby boys first birthday. I can’t wait.
Julie
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 16:17I’m 47. Lived thru those 60′s as a child, and had such an ITCH to buy my first pair of birkenstocks when I landed my first paycheck in 1982 that I went out and bought myself a pair of brown suede ones. I loved those puppies! Wore them out. did you know that there are shoemakers who do the re-soles if your uppers are still okay? I didn’t, but then found one who told me about this, so I actually had new bottoms put on, using the actual birk sole. Way cheaper.
I still buy the same exact brown suede (Arizona model?) sandals when I wear them out. I don’t care what they look like. They still make them, what almost 30 years later, so something must be done right.
Also, I get nursing uniform catalogs, and just this week the current one had “birkies” which are colored plastic clogs made by Birkenstock. I bought these before I bought Crocs, and they rock. Have insoles that are removable,too. I’d look into those for wearing with socks. They are fabulous for gardening, runs to the coffee joint, dog park, etc. Sorry can’t send the link, brain fart.
Nicole
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 16:18No joke. My mom was prescribed Birks for knee pain. She has the flattest feet known to man. or womsn.
When she told me to go buy a pair for her (because they live kind basically in Buttfuck, Nowhere) and mail them, I thought she was crazy. Because my parents are small-c conservatives.
“You were prescribed Birkenstocks? What kind of a prescription is that? Its a good thing you didn’t have to pay for that appointment like you would if you were in the states; I’d demand my money back.”
Apparently, though, they work.
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 16:40I coulda told you months ago and for free.
It was those GOD DAMNED CROCS WOMAN!
Sheesh.
Now burn those mofos and youtube it
TRACI
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 16:52Oh, you need a good shoe whoring girlfriend to share the secret of hippy shoes…..MEPHISTO. I needed something I could walk in for days at a time while on vacay and I found these, even with leopard print AND bling. I can even work the pole in ‘em!
http://www.mephisto.com/
some chick
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 17:34Comfy shoes are everything. Screw fashion :).
zDub
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 18:46They totally make Birks in shiny red and I am so getting those.
Fuck the haters. Also, I can’t believe you didn’t get kicked out of CO for not owning them when you lived here!
Clair
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 20:13I will move to Canada if I can get a prescription like that. But seriously, I’ve had chronic back pain for years – way too many years for somebody who’s 32 – and I got orthotics 6 weeks ago. And today I had my first twinge in about a month. Comfy shoes can change your world. Good luck!
Tara R.
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 20:14Birkenstocks for your back? Hmmmm…. haven’t tried that one yet. AND, they would so traumatize my kids. Win/win!
Stone Fox
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 20:30did you also get your free organic hemp satchel of dried rose petals? and was a blessing said over you with burning clove? if not, i would totally complain about the lack of customer service.
Cori
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 20:43Well, now I feel like I need to see a picture.
Aimee Greeblemonkey
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 21:22I had no idea!
mn
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 22:03aaah. as someone who lives in pain on a rather regular basis and is always discovering new ways of aging, i am so relieved and happy to hear that. i had back pain in my 20s. not fun. i’ve also had birkenstocks. the only thing i can say is the ones i had, i got them too wide and it made my stride all stupid. i am sure you got the perfect fit bc there are so many styles out there now, and i seriously hope it makes you feel long term better.
and yes, i totally wore them with socks! who cares!
TheExpatresse
Wednesday, 7 October, 2009 at 22:41Naot makes a slightly more streamlined version of the Birk-type shoe.
In Europe those shoes are required wearing, WITH WHITE SOCKS, for all medical professionals, it seems. Dropped a sharp on your foot? No worries! You have socks.
Seriously, however, I have plantar fasciitis (when your heel burns like hell and every step, especially the first one in the morning, makes you want to put a gun in your mouth . . . or at least shoot off your foot). I thought I had bruised my heel or something, but it turns out it was just abuse of the tendons over the heel all caused by a lack of proper arch support. I changed my street shoes and problem solved. Now wearing a little sporty thing by a company called Ahnu. Got it in an outdoor sporting goods store in Columbus, Ohio on sale for about $40. Looks a little like a closed-toe Keen (which I’ve never worn, but might be worth trying).
I also have, and this is really fun, arthritis in my big toe. Just one. But it makes any pressure on the joint awful. So shoe shopping with me is a real treat. Drives my children nuts. Can’t have a heel of any sort, but can’t wear a ballet flat either because there’s no arch support. I did just buy a pair of winter boots from Ecco. Not cheap (but I don’t drive here, so no car payment/insurance), but OH! so comfortable!
Lauren
Thursday, 8 October, 2009 at 1:13LOVES IT!!! I couldn’t wear hippy shoes even if they promised to burn forty million calories a day. Well, I wouldn’t wear them outside. I’m glad you found a solution. Shoes play a huge part in how we stand and greatly affect our backs.
Zoeyjane
Thursday, 8 October, 2009 at 2:51I shit you not, in a marketing class in college, I actually did a project with this guy (smoking hot, btw. Also? total stoner. le grande sigh.) about how Birkenstocks should be relaunched as less of a “lifestyle” footwear item and more of a “health” item. How sales would double.
Just Shireen
Thursday, 8 October, 2009 at 7:10So this reminds me of my swim coach who used to wear his Birkenstocks (the sandals) all year round with white socks. So for 6 years every time I turned my head to breathe that’s what I would see. Stroke, stroke, stroke, stupidsocks&sandalsBREATHE, Stroke, stroke, stroke, stupidsocks&sandalsBREATHE, Stroke, stroke, stroke, stupidsocks&sandalsBREATHE.
rita
Thursday, 8 October, 2009 at 7:33*glances at feet*
*shuffles to hide feet*
I’m wearing a pair of Keen Mion sandals that I bought to wear in Belize a few years ago. I wore them for about 6 months solid, they’re so comfortable. And, uh, yes, I’m wearing them with socks when it’s cold. I also wear Birks year-round, sandals in the summer, sandals, shoes, and clogs in the colder weather. With socks. They feel good. I gave up on fashion about 15 years ago when I tried on my first pair of Birks and discovered heaven.
In my defense, I knit my socks myself and they’re gorgeous works of art. I want them to be seen, and I don’t want to wear holes in the heels, so I never wear them with closed shoes, only clogs and sandals.
We spent three weeks in Europe a few years ago. First on my list was “find Birkenstock factory store”. I knew it was somewhere in Bonn, had a street name, but that’s it. Fly into Frankfurt, take a train to Bonn, then ride to the end of the freakin’ line (almost), then an old lady in her mid 80s showed us the way. We found it and I spent two very happy hours there. I bought 10 or 11 pairs for about $324 US. They were so cheap there! I bought them for me (of course), my sisters, and my grandkids. I love Germany.
So, yeah. Birks are the best. I wear them all the time unless I need something dressier. And my feet and back hurt so much then that I sigh with relief when I put my old Birk Granadas on. (I wore Birk closed shoes–London, I think–to my grandmother’s funeral. She would have approved; she was all about comfortable shoes.)
BusyDad
Friday, 9 October, 2009 at 7:33Crotch splinters. Only you could come up with that.
hubs
Saturday, 10 October, 2009 at 16:26So you have a new nickname for the Donor now huh?
taj
Sunday, 11 October, 2009 at 0:59Yo, it sucks to wear shoes ugly as sin, but after you turn that corner, ain’t no going back. I found Archers of Loaf, “Fashion Bleeds” and thought of you, Denverista. Eric Bachman lives here in Colorado now, how crazy CO karma works for the good! One day you’ll bring the family back to Capital Hill. “White Trash Heroes” also seems up your alley which you probably already know, :)
Denver, “5-points” reader
Marie
Friday, 16 October, 2009 at 22:28Aw, you’re making me nostalgic for the Birkies of my late youth. I had some of those golden-brown suede Arizonas and my feet loooved those. Wore them with socks, of course – they were almost like a slipper. A heavenly hippy slipper. I wore those almost to death until one of my cats peed in them. (The cat, miraculously, lived, but the shoes didn’t.) Then my aunt passed on a pair of practically new black leather sandals, little strappy Birkies. I wore them everywhere. So incredibly comfortable. I used to pore over the catalogue and dream about which styles I’d get if I could afford them – half the time you had to order them and wait for them to ship from Germany. Must have been pre-UPS.
I haven’t found quite the replacement, and it makes me sad. Back in the day, Birkies were uniquely European imports. Now the market is flooded with all sorts of vaguely hip shoes, but most of those are more concerned with style than function. My *feet* are sad. Sorry to blab on, but, man! I’m looking at orthos now too (damn knee-foot). Maybe I should try some Birkies again first.
Alana
Sunday, 18 October, 2009 at 9:51I suffer from back, leg, and foot problems from my years of teaching while wearing non-supportive shoes. I used to love all the cute, trendy shoes that came out, but was always in pain. I discovered Dansko shoes a few years ago, and they made all the difference in the world for me. I justify their cost because buying a pair of Danskos, which will last for several years, is cheaper than my co-pay for weekly or semi-weekly physical therapy. I’ve been through therapy for tendinitis and plantar fascitis in the past six years, and I’d much rather buy good shoes. I just can’t do Birkinstocks, sorry. Danskos come in clogs, sandals, and other cute styles.
Now that I’m in nursing school, I bought a pair of white Dansko Mary Jane-style shoes. My classmates all complain about their backs hurting, but I don’t feel anything after being on my feet for several hours at a time. They are all trying insoles, and some have bought more than one pair of shoes, but I know mine will last the whole time I am in school.