This weekend, I was blessed with a houseguest. And we did almost nothing. It was quite epic. But after the kids were put down for the night, after we’d drank The Donor under the table and he was good and passed out on the couch, we staggered upstairs to my bedroom, turned the lights down low; she in her little, faded wife beater and me in my short-shorts. We laid together in the darkness, doing what any two, youngish, reasonably attractive, identical woman would do when given a dark house, a king sized bed, with red sheets, and a lot of wine….we stayed up awwwl night long.
Talking about cleaning products.
Now, I’m as much a hippie tree-hugging earth momma as the next girl, and since I’m also quite lazy and have three children who like money, I try very hard to stick to organic, bio-degradable, won’t – burn – their – fingers – I – can’t – replace – off cleaning products. I swear by my Bissell steam mop and my jumbo Heinz vinegar bottle, and yes it has to be the jumbo Heinz bottle because I grew up with a girl who was loosely related to the Heinz’s and she had this, well, obsession with underwears. She collected them, like people collect spoons or feet or teddy bears. I, of course, was barely able to afford my brother’s hand me down underwears, and I honestly had no idea their were so many options as far as undergarments went. It was quite an eye-opening friendship. And slightly intimidating. Which may be why it took me until I was 33 and threatened within inches of my life by someone to start wearing chonies at all. Either way, I only buy the Heinz vinegar now.
Of course, sometimes I have to bring my B game to the housekeeping, and that’s when I’ll bust out the Mr Clean with mountain and rain scented Febreeze stuff in it. Because that shit kicks ass. And is probably eating my pipes out from the inside, and may be responsible for melting one of the polar ice caps. I try not to bring my B game too often. When it starts to get dire, out comes the Tide and the hairspray. You can clean anything with a box of powdered Tide and some Big Sexy Hairspray. But when it’s at critical, when my mother in law is coming, it’s A game time.
Enter the lemon fresh Comet with bleach. $0.99. CANADIAN. Nothing in the world cleans anything better than lemon fresh comet with bleach ever. I clean everything with it; my counters, my walls, my floors, all of it. Sometimes right after I clean all of that with the Mr Clean stuff. And maybe the chemical fumes will kill me before I can pull my underwear that I’m now forced to wear down to go pee, but at least I’ll be found dead on a 25 year old tile floor with grout as white at Michael Steele’s heart.
Tagged with: boring housewife shit
Vicki
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 1:52God I love this blog. Bloody hilarious!
Twenty Four At Heart
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 3:52I’m reading this at 3 a.m. so maybe I’m missing something … but you clean with HAIRSPRAY? Wha??
Mr Lady
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 8:11@Twenty Four At Heart, I clean. With hairspray. You should try it.
Tara R.
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 5:15You never cease to amaze me.
Amo
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 5:23I’m going to tell myself that there is an inside joke here that remains in the sheets between you and Tanis.
Otherwise, you would OBVIOUSLY know the powers of Dr. Broner’s for cleaning anything. ;)
rougeneck
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 7:45When I moved into my house over the summer, it had been inhabited by a bachelor truck driver for the last 10+ years and had not seen soap, water or a sponge for that same length of time. I spent July 4th weekend (Happy Independence Day to ME) SCRUBBING the ever loving shit out of my wee little house. I was basically high on a combination of Clorox fumes, Lysol and ammonia for the better part 4 days not too mention that my hands were burned raw. And while I make efforts to be green, when it comes to cleaning I am a germophobe (or possibly more than a little OCD) so I want the crap that comes with a skull and crossbones. Seriously – you should see me when there’s raw chicken involved. I use half a bottle of Lysol every time. And while it’s been pointed out that the Lysol will kill me more than the ever so slight possibility of salmonella, I can’t seem to process that.
Mishi
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 8:05You sure know how to turn a girl on.
Nicole
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 9:00Yep. Bigass jug of vinegar (not necessarily Heinz, mind you. Just whatever is handy whereever I am). Mega pack of baking soda from Costco and I’m good to go.
Although that new Tide with febreeze? Is the shit.
The Urban Cowboy
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 9:12You had me until, “Talking about cleaning products.” Oh well, I’ll just let my imagination run a little.
OHmommy
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 9:27Send me your snail mail address. You need to be introduced to Caldrea cleaning products, your life will never be the same.
schmutzie
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 9:50Do you know what’s good for places that have bacteria-related smell (including shirts or suits that you don’t want to have to cart off to the dry cleaner’s just yet)? Cheap vodka. Throw that in a spray bottle, spritz on armpits, throw pillows, etc., and it kills the bacteria while evaporating quickly. It’s also good at parties.
Stone Fox
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 9:51i grew up on comet and mr clean. we didn’t have money for pricey shit like no-scrub bathroom cleaners when i was a kid. it was mr clean for floors, and comet for everything else. that white residue is just as much a part of my childhood as the Disney Sunday night movie.
Cori
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 10:14Hey, at least you clean. I’ve been “meaning” to mop the kitchen floor for WEEKS now (especially since Homeslice is at “school” twice a week now), but there are more pressing issues. Like recorded TV shows and, you know, just sitting and doing nothing.
I am a big fan of the Vinegar and Water approach, but I don’t have any brand loyalty. I use Clorox Wipes like they’re going out of style (btw, I don’t understand that phrase. I mean, Ugg boots are out of style, but that doesn’t make me wear them MORE. Ok, that’s not a good example because I live in Houston and wearing Uggs is just dumb in Houston because your feet would sweat the fuck off…but I digress).
Where was I? This is what happens when I try to comment when I’ve had three cups of coffee and no breakfast.
Oh yeah. Congrats on cleaning.
The end.
ralph
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 16:59truly a piece of art.
loved it.
Matt
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 20:09you actually have that many options for cleaning products in your house? HOLY COW! I have windex and ajax and dishsoap and dishwasher soap and laundry soap, that IT!
Julie
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 21:21I think i was the first one to figure out that there was *something* between you two, even before you two knew it. I swear I knew it before you two did! Even before any other mommy readers here started mentioning it. So, I’ll just go ahead and take credit for THAT ONE right now. Okay, I’m happy.
On the cleaning. Well, yes, I happen to have that down pat too, because when you graduate from nursing school in 1985, and learn that the number one thing you can do to prevent illness is to take your shoes off in the garage and only walk around the house barefoot or in socks, you just kinda rock the socks off anyone else who thinks they know a thing or two. Oh, and also? When you get home from the hospital (or wherever you happen to nurse at) leave your uniform in the garage, preferably in the washing machine. Mucho germies on those scrubs, and yes, you can actually just make everyone in the house sick over and over again without knowing you’re typhoid Mary.
Cleaning products? I’ve found and stuck with the same ones since I moved into this big ass old house in 1998. Chlorox gel scrub with bleach, comet soap scum shower cleaner, the green windex for the countertops (they don’t make it anymore, I stocked up a few years ago, and STILL HAVE LOTS LEFT!).
Laundry detergent? I discovered Persil from the UK. ROCKS LADIES. Pricey as shit, I found my first box at an appliance store that carried Miele front load washers, and after I came to from falling on the ground in shock at the price, thought I’d do the full whack job and buy myself a box. Only twice a year, as this stuff will get your gray dingy whites white again WITHOUT BLEACH. I kid you not, and the smell? Heaven. Even my MCS does not pitch a fit. Try it, worth every stinkin’ penny. Especially if you only give yourself this gift a couple times per year.
You’re welcome. wink wink.
LaskiGal
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 22:18Cleaning . . . hmmm . . . let me ask my husband what he uses. ;)
Lauren
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 22:41I have baby-safe cleaners that I use for daily cleaning but I LOVE cleaning with bleach. That burning smell lets you know it’s clean.
TheExpatresse
Monday, 26 October, 2009 at 23:41Julie: funny about the Persil. I live in Moscow (and before that lived in Slovakia) and I always thought Persil was the Poor Man’s Ariel (which I like better). BUT, I do switch to it from time to time because they say one should rotate laundry soaps and shampoos.
I have a front loader Euro washer/dryer combo and it is basically designed to heat the water VERY hot and then run FOREVER. But if you let it do what it is designed to do, NO MORE RING AROUND THE COLLAR! (Showing my age)
But I must know how this cleaning with hairspray thing works!
Bonnie B.
Tuesday, 27 October, 2009 at 9:02The only time I’ve ever used hairspray to clean something is to remove ink pen marks from clothing (it works – try it). So you’ve GOT TO tell us what else you use it for!!
Julie
Tuesday, 27 October, 2009 at 9:56Expatresse: Here in the USofA (lol) we have crap laundry detergent called Tide, and it’s better cousin Cheer. I had never heard of Persil, but my jaunt through the appliance store (and others in Berkeley, CA) brought me right up to speed on Persil.
You’ll NEVER guess how much I pay for it? In US dollars? Hmmm, I wonder if I should out myself here. Okay I will.
In the US, for a BIG (largest box, I think) of Persil, I pay . . .drumroll:::::
$68.00.
Ahem. Remember, this is an extravegance (spell?) here. I looked on every website imaginable, thinking I could get it cheaper, but they got us, and it’s this price almost everywhere I looked.
I almost couldn’t buy Persil, but after that first (gift to *myself*) box, I was so hooked. The smell? Didn’t give me a headache, and my whites? Unimaginable. The husband’s white dingy grayish teeshirts? LOOKED like new, and I thought, hmmmm. I think I buy it for that, and because all my colors also look newer for some reason. And for myself, I buy it for the smell. I cannot tolerate a lot of smelly things (i.e. candles, dryer sheets, perfumed lotions) anymore, but Persil—oh man. I just inhale my wet freshly washed clothes and smile :)
Jaina
Tuesday, 27 October, 2009 at 11:13Comet is good stuff and cheap too, which I like. Enlighten me though, please, what the heck do you use hairspray to clean??
Heather
Tuesday, 27 October, 2009 at 19:36on a side note..I have an award for you on my blog~http://wwwtheadventuresofcrazymumcom.blogspot.com/2009/10/3rd-time-is-charm.html
Hip Mountain Mama
Wednesday, 28 October, 2009 at 13:20So glad I traveled over to your blog from Rosalicious. I am a mama of 2 young daughters and look forward to reading and relating to your blog!
Suzy
xandy
Wednesday, 28 October, 2009 at 14:23okay, going to have to look up the Persil. Can you use it in the new front loading low water LG washers? Coz my new washer is hard to beat. Even with regular “high efficiency” detergent, all of my clothes look new again. with Persil as well it might be unbeatable.
however, I live in the boondocks and have a septic tank soooo, I have limited indulging my clorox and comet dependencies to but once each month. And that is a good day. everything is SO clean. Until the kids get home from school.
xandy
Wednesday, 28 October, 2009 at 14:28ps: MUST pass this on – if you have a Costco anywhere near you, the new (?) fleece sheets –$29 for queen, fitted and flat, in lots of colors!– will ROCK YOUR WORLD. better than flannel, yep.
melissa
Wednesday, 28 October, 2009 at 20:31You are just so funny! I love reading your blog. You are always a ray of sunshine in my day
tena
Friday, 30 October, 2009 at 2:26as if visions of you and Tanis in your unmentionables didn’t get me hot enough- you put me over the edge with the talk of cleaning supplies. I need to go take a shower, now.
Michell
Saturday, 31 October, 2009 at 0:31Hmm. I may have to try that comet with bleach idea on the big ol smeary splotch of hair dye I dripped on my floor that has so far refused to come up.