The day before I left Canada, I went into my Safeway, just to say goodbye. There were hugs and tears and well-wishes. Man, I love those girls at my Safeway.
Now that I think about it, many of my most meaningful relationships have been forged in grocery store check-out lanes. It’s where I spend most of my time. I do what I have to.
So tonight I had to run into the grocery store by the hotel, which is either spelled HEB or H-E-B or H.E.B., I’m not totally sure, but they make the best cannoli I’ve eaten outside of Brooklyn, and I don’t know any of these people yet. I don’t know what check-out lane Audrey works in on Sunday night, or which day Dallas works the customer service counter, so I don’t yet know which lane to use for which trip to the store.
I hop into the express lane with my four items and get to the check-out and hand over my purchases to the guy, because they were all guys, and what the hell are the odds of having only men checkers at the grocery store the exact night I am buying only one wine key, Tampax, Kotex and a box of Apple Jacks?
This is how it goes in my world. All the time.
So I say to the guy, “Sorry for making you touch all that stuff, dude” and he says, “Oh, it’s okay, but I have to admit…the wine key is kind of throwing me here.” And I turn all sorts of red and nervously cackle a little and don’t at all make eye contact with the guy again when I shell out my $13.48, which is actually a pretty good price for 20 tampons, 30 pads, a kitchen tool, some sugar coated food coloring and a single serving slice of utter humiliation.
I grab my bag and mumble a rushed “thank you” in his general direction and get about 2.58 steps away when I realize that I am physically incapable of leaving it like that, so I stop, look back over my shoulder, and with an over-exaggerated wink say, “And just so you know, it’s the Apple Jacks you ought to have been worried about.”
And I’ll never, ever go into that store ever again.
Tagged with: groceries, humiliation
Nancy@Ifevolutionworks.com
Sunday, 8 November, 2009 at 21:59Cute story. I bet he hopes you come back!
Zakary
Sunday, 8 November, 2009 at 22:07Like when you are just trying to buy Monistat and it’s in the middle of shift change, so you have to stand there FOREVER while they Z out and change cash drawers.
And then the damn thing won’t scan. So they have to send someone to confirm the price and by now I have a good seven people behind me.
Just lovely.
rougeneck
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 3:00Just imagine if you’d had cucumber on your list. Then he’d really be scratching his head…
pixielation
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 4:15I had to google “wine key” to work out what was so embarrassing about that, and hey – it’s just a corkscrew. So then I re-read the sentence, and felt dumb. So thanks for that!
(Over here, you can get tampons with strings… makes it much easier to remove them without the kitchen tool.)
BrassyMom
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 12:20@pixielation,
Thanks, I almost snorted toast out my nose laughing.
Amo
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 5:50I pictured you as a cracker jacks kinda girl…
bee
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 7:15Diva cup, Mr. Lady. Never buy Kotex again…
Nature Lovin' Super Mama
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 8:26Here in Northern Michigan one of the rock stations started having people call in with odd shopping lists…I only go to the self serve check outs now! lol
Loural
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 10:45I’m totally scratching my head and wondering how apple jacks can be a dirty item…..apparently living in Calgary hasn’t corrupted me as much as my dad thought it would lol
Dale
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 10:52I went to Target this weekend, and as I took out my wallet an OB tampon flew – and I mean flew – out of my bag and rolled across the counter. And when I say rolled, I mean banged on the thing you swipe your card thru and then bounced off the register wall behind it.
Fogspinner
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 11:23So this one time a female friend of mine and I are at a local chain store. We’re there to pick up stuff for dinner and look for topical treatments for ringworm, which you can find in athletes foot cream, jock itch cream, and in creams for vaginal itch. We needed ringworm cream for their herd of show goats who had gotten infected at a show.
We walked into line with a bottle of wine, a case of beer, a loaf of french bread, 3 tube of jock itch cream, 3 cans of athletes foot spray, and 3 tubes of itch cream. Never mind we were cackling and laughing like hyenas. The clerk never looked us in the eyes. In fact I think he avoided touching her at all. LOL.
Hockeyman
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 13:01I bet you totally made his day with that. Not that it’s hard to make someones day working in a grocery store. Never heard of H-E-B though, guessing your in the South somewhere. Probably not a hockey town either or else I’d seen it in ads on TV games. ;)
Your list of items though will be noted for a prank I have long desired to pull. Making someone go into a store and buy the most bizarre items on a list possible. Like possible escaped convict or something. If only I had a reason to initiate someone.
Tara R.
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 13:47Yeah, you made his night… hell, prolly his whole week.
anya
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 13:56He will never look at a box of Apple Jacks the same again.
MommyTime
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 14:59Holy cow you’ve been up to a lot while I’ve been lying here in my pool of swine fluish misery! Not that I could have done anything to remedy your situation, but I’m still home from work under my blankie, and the doctor swears that while the coughing makes me still contagious for a week after the fever has broken, you TOTALLY can’t catch it over the phone. So call me if you want to talk. Hugs to you, my friend.
habanerogal
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 15:51Apple Jacks so very very naughty. At least stuff is cheaper there if you’re looking for reasons to be “GLAD” to be back in the US of Eh.
BusyDad
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 19:59If you put your ear up to a box of Apple Jacks, you can hear porn music.
Momo Fali
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 20:08If you’re going to get kinky with cereal, stay away from Cap’n Crunch. Trust me.
Mrs F with 4
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 20:40At least you weren’t trotting through the fruit & veg section with your right boob swinging free, a la Mrs F?
Matt
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 20:41I think you should just keep going there, you might as well.
Miss
Monday, 9 November, 2009 at 21:15Not sure if you’re a mint girl but I have four words which make up something you can only find at HEB:
Dark. Chocolate. Mint. Cookies.
TheExpatresse
Tuesday, 10 November, 2009 at 2:18I had to hazard a guess at “wine key,” too. I thought it was some sort of Giant Box o’ Wine.
Once, after our first was born, I sat out in the car one Sunday morning to feed the baby while The Spouse ran into the Wal-Mart to buy diapers, antacids, and condoms. The clerk forgot to desensitize the hidden anti-theft device in the box of condoms, so it made the alarm at the exit go off. The Spouse knew what it was, but the Million Year Old Greeter kept insisting on swinging his bags, one at a time, through the sensor to identify what it was.
The Spouse finally decided he was going to hold his head high because HE WAS BUYING CONDOMS BECAUSE HE WAS GETTIN’ SOME.
the planet of janet
Tuesday, 10 November, 2009 at 7:56great moments in parenting:
taking your 15-year-old daughter through a checkout line with tampons and (oh my GAWD) panty liners for THONGS.
who knew they made such a thing?
i’ll take apple jacks over that any day.
Burgh Baby
Tuesday, 10 November, 2009 at 10:07He probably spent the rest of the night trying to figure out what he could do with Apple Jacks and a wine key. I’m sure you made his day much more interesting.
Martinis or Diaper Genies?
Tuesday, 10 November, 2009 at 10:30Am I slow in the head for not knowing what a wine key is? I REALLY like wine so I feel as though I should research this.
And Apple Jacks are nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud in your AMAZING food choice.
rachel-asouthernfairytale
Wednesday, 11 November, 2009 at 10:54H-E-B is the greatest place :-) I love H-E-B ~ Howard E Butts (honestly http://www.heb.com/aboutHEB/history.jsp)
That’s awesome. :-)
Cuz_I'm_The_Mom
Wednesday, 11 November, 2009 at 14:45H-E-B is the bomb. Welcome to Texas.
Joy @ Mommys Joy
Wednesday, 11 November, 2009 at 23:32I see that someone else mentioned the Butts in H-E-B. I went to school with a Butts. One word… acne… Ewww!
It really is an awesome store. Welcome to the south! Not sure if you’re much of a bargain shopper but the store brand products, Hill Country Fair, are really pretty great. I’d give them a try. And, I’m sure that dude has had worse days in the check out lane. This is the south after all. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the smart asses. He probably loved it!! I’d be willing to bet you made a fan and he’d love to see you come back!
Alana
Friday, 13 November, 2009 at 16:28I agree with Joy. HEB is the greatest, and I buy as many of their store brand products as possible. They are cheaper than Wal-Mart here, which is wonderful, because I hate Wal-Mart. Give their raw tortillas a try, along with their fresh salsa. We cook the tortillas in a skillet, add eggs, bacon, and cheese, fold them in half and cook them a little longer to melt the cheese, and dip them in the salsa. They are the best breakfast burritos I’ve ever tasted.
Where in Texas did you land? I’m in The Woodlands, north of Houston. Be prepared for your kids to say the pledge of allegiance to the Texas flag at school, which is weird, in my opinion.
Alana
Friday, 13 November, 2009 at 16:29Um, we scramble the eggs and fry the bacon first. We don’t throw raw bacon and eggs into a tortilla. Just wanted to clarify, in case anyone wanted to try it…
Kat
Saturday, 14 November, 2009 at 15:32Well if you’re shopping at H E B, you’re in Texas. And it is the bomb. Welcome, I’m just outside Houston but make the trek to downtown every day, which I love.
Oh, yeah…the pledge to the Texas flag. Apparently we indoctrinate them young here.
Jaina
Monday, 16 November, 2009 at 13:07Lol, oh lady…you totally gave that kid blog fodder ;)
Print Brochures
Tuesday, 17 November, 2009 at 19:57LOL! A wine key… haha! That’s a good one. :D
That dude should be more afraid of the tampon though. I mean, just the thought of PMS is freaky enough…