We spent Thanksgiving with my realtor, which is only slightly less depressing than spending it with no one. But I like my realtor. She’s kind of nuts.
I mean, she’s got penises peni penis’ thank god at least I don’t know what the plural for penis is all over her house, and two of her dogs have been dead for at least 3 months, and yet they keep on walking around. It’s like hanging with half of the Rolling Stones at her place. The third dog is young, virile, a little fat, and no friend to the small children.
She told me as much. Her husband told me as much. The dog told me as much. My husband told me as much. My 4 year old told me as much. And still, I insisted they become friends. The Yorkie and the toddler should be friends, right? And so I showed her how to give him treats and I showed her how to offer her hand for a sniff and I showed her how to scratch him right *there* under his chin where no dog can resist being all loved up and he showed all of us how sharp his little teeth are. Also, what the insides of my kid’s lip look like.
So I spent Thanksgiving in the ER with my realtor who was pretty sure I was going to sue her pants off for something that was my fault. My husband spent Thanksgiving at her house with her husband who was sure we were going to sue his pants of for something that was completely my fault. My daughter got a needle the size of one of those penile ornaments straight in her face for something that was completely and in every way my fault. And I got re-introduced to the US Healthcare system as a non-card carrying member.
The cost for this asshatery? A low low $311.99. A bargain, really, for ruining a strangers holiday and scarring my child’s face for life.
I’ll admit that I was a little peeved at the $500 bill they handed me, and only slightly relieved when they cut it in half since I paid up front. $250 for 20 minutes and 2 stitches? That’s a damn steep salary. But then I looked in the mirror and remembered all those cuts and colors that ran me exactly the same, back in the day when I gave a rat’s ass, and I figured that, if I’m going to pay a someone who went to night school that kind of money to make dead cells growing out of my head look decent, I can’t really argue with paying someone who spent 10 years in university the same to save my child from having to wear a Frankensteinish scar in the center of her face for the rest of her life.
Also, 20 minutes. TWENTY MINUTES. My husband showed up at a Canadian ER the day before we moved with more of the flesh on his forearm than is decent to discuss in public no longer attached to his forearm and enough blood spewing out of that hole to fill a blood bank, or all those Twilight freaks, and he walked out after four hours without so much as being acknowledged. And now he has a very sexy scar all the way up his arm, and a nice reminder that caveman mechanics and Ikea kids beds and national health care Do. Not. Mix.
The $60 the charged me at the pharmacy for Amoxicillin is an entirely different story. I kind of wanted to kill America at that point. Or at least fuck it in the eye.
But, as they say, all’s well that ends well. At fucking late o’clock, we sat around my realtor’s dining room table and all gave thanks for something. The kids were thankful for the pool in her backyard, she and her husband for the company, me for barely having permanently scarred my child on any level, and my husband? He was thankful to be sitting in a room eating turkey with a mannequin wearing black lace panties and miniature Santa hats as pasties over her nips.
Tagged with: emergency room visits, thanksgiving
pgoodness
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 9:51Um, what’s with the peni at your realtor’s house??
Sorry she got hurt, but glad you’re all ok and were able to salvage some sort of Thanksgiving!!
habanerogal
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 9:56Thanks for the funnies. Too bad about your little person getting hurt but I hope the scars fade soon and you can have a good laugh about the funny sextoy realtor
OHmommy
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 10:00Go out and buy Mederma if you are worried about her scar. I’ve had plenty of chances to try it out. Hope she’s ok.
anne nahm
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 10:21Oh baby! *hugs*. Welcome back. Also, maybe you can buy the realtor a vagina themed trash can and all the peniseses will run over and jump in. I mean, they’ve got to be lonely by now, right? Or maybe not. Maybe that’s why the dog is so cranky.
Maria
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 10:29Welcome home love. :)
Lilacspecs
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 10:32Fucking America in the eye…that totally made my night. I guffawed.
Mr Lady
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 10:38@Lilacspecs, I wish I could take credit for that, but it’s totally Califmom’s line. And it’s AWESOME.
Martin
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 10:38If this ain’t a pilot episode I dunno what is….
MidLifeMama
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 10:42Well, what would Thankgiving be without a little blood letting and stitches? My mother added that little something special to more than one turkey day, first with an electric knife – do NOT get your fingers near them and why do we need electric knives anyway – and then, in an attempt to get a somewhat frozen storm door unstuck put her hand through the glass window. And we wonder why she dreads this particular holiday more than most.
I have had stitches twice under my nose. Once when I was 10, then again when I was in my early 20′s. You don’t even notice the scar unless you are my dentist or hygenist. That really bright light makes everything stand out. So while you will feel
guilty for the rest of your living days, and she now has something to torture you with “Oh yeah? Well remember the time you thought it was a great idea for me to become friends with that Yorkie? Shows how much you know, now may I have the keys to the car?” she will be fine and probably won’t have much to show for it.
Audubon Ron
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 11:10Golly, hope the little one is okay.
BrassyMom
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 12:57The plural of penis is penes. Sadly, as soon as I read that sentence I knew exactly what word you needed.
Knowlege is power, right? RIGHT?
Jill
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 16:19Ouch. Sorry for the little one.
Also? 20 minutes? Seriously? I sit longer than that in the waiting room of my physician WITH an appointment and if you only knew how much that person gets FROM ME ALONE in a week/month/year you would think I’d have frequent flier- get in fast- passes. Went to the ER with a family member not that long ago and was there over 13 hours.
I guess it depends on where you go. Or the day.
Anyway, get better wishes for 3of3.
Do you think your realtor would be opposed to you taking pics of this stuff and posting it? I’m trying to picture this as someone’s chosen home decor but struggling.
Lynsey
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 18:10ouch! But I’m guessing the realtor doesn’t have children of her own? BTW I’m a new reader! love the blog…
daysgoby
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 19:153 of 3 gets gorgeouser and gorgeouser….
Matt
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 20:03Well, well, prodigal daughter returns. And with a tale of epic proportions no less. Your youngest is a brave lass to have challenged the mighty yorkie and tough too, to have come away relativity unscathed. Though I bet whoever thought it would be a good idea for a child to face a child eater is upset with themselves now. Silly generals, they just don’t remember what its like to be infantry.
Tammy
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 20:22Yeah, I’m lurking again. Scary. Love the penis lady! Happy belated Thanksgiving. If I may respectfully suggest you never pay that much for a common antibiotic again. There’s Walgreens, Walmart and probably a slew of other stores with pharmacies that have good prices on generic antibiotics. Probably in the range of ten buckaroonis. Wish ERs would give us a break on generic services like stitches. But hey, this is America where the almighty dollar is revered. Welcome home!
hollysmom
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 20:42I think “peni” is more funnier.
My daughter fell outta the neighbor’s tree and broke her arm one time, which I told her to stay out of umpteen billion times. The neightbors thought I was going to sue their homeowners policy but we are not just a couple of peni so we didn’t. We told her to stay out of the damn tree. And we had insurance THANK GAWD as the billable amount to the insurance company was $5000!!! We were there for about an hour and a half. I watched my 9 year old get drunk on demerol, which was hilarious. But $5000? C’mon!
Hope she heals quickly, inside AND out.
mn
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 20:49oh my. i am sorry. that must have been hard and scary.
it’s not your fault. tell her she is v. brave. personally, i have a thing for scars. i think they kinda look hot. and there’s a story behind scars. not to lessen the intensity of the incident…i am glad she is A-OK. and will be.
Amy at Never-True Tales
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 21:18Well, you win for worst Thanksgiving. Kind of a hollow victory though, I guess.
I never do this (self pimping), but if it makes you feel any better about your holiday, it’ll be worth it: http://www.nevertruetales.com/2009/11/road-rash.html. think I get the runner-up award. I mean, my post title’s called Road Rash, ffs.
julie
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 23:17Well fuckola. I mean, America? With it’s healthcare? Sucks the balls right off them fishes, I tell ya.
I hate American healthcare. I watched my bank account shrink when some ticks thought it would be great *fun* to inject their gut contents of bacteria into myself, and then I unwittingly gave it to my sons. Before I knew what was wrong with all of us, it was 50K later, HMO’s refusing to pay doctor specialist’s fees, but hey, at least a majority of the antibiotics we sucked down for 4 yrs straight (yes, that’s years folks, let me tell you about yeast infections!) was covered. I guess I should be grateful for THAT.
You sure got a big dose of American health for dollahs. Bowling for dollars? Um, something like that. I hope you find the pharmacies that do cheap generics, I think Walgreens is pretty good for that.
I got bit on my face by a german shepherd when I was 5 yrs old. I didn’t ask for it, I was bending down, he was there, and wammo! I got nailed. I still have the scar–but no one took me to the ER back then—I just got a bandaid and some sympathy. I bet Maderma works on her scar, if you try it soon enough.
TheExpatresse
Saturday, 28 November, 2009 at 23:45My mom got jumped on by the neighbor’s Dalmatian because she got too close to the puppies (she was a kid herself) and Mama Dog’s claw almost sliced her ear off her head. The doctor taped it back and gave her an orange. I think this was probably a house call as it was 1947 or something.
The Spouse’s hospitalization here in Moscow . . . I expect that will run me $10,000 out -of-pocket by the time I pay the deductible and the co-pay and the difference between the double room (that AIG will cover) and the single room he’s in (without them asking us first so now I hate to move him . . . the difference is only 100 euro/night, so it seems worth it, right?).
Oh, give me Austrian healthcare. My tubal ligation there, with general anesthesia and over night in the hospital (alone in my double room) cost me $750.
Kristy
Sunday, 29 November, 2009 at 0:49I have always hated those parents who are so overprotective that their children made it to adulthood with no visable scars(mentals ones abound I am sure but…) I often make the joke what on earth will they talk about after sex,when they grow up. That’s always been when I asked about someone’s interesting imperfections.
Lee of MWOB
Sunday, 29 November, 2009 at 1:44Oh wow. Your brave lil’ beauty…..and you sound brave too. I would have been a total disaster as blood/injury/pain and this mama just do not mix. Which is horrible because it’s bound to happen and already has. My husband says I need to get a grip. Ouch.
Well, that Thanksgiving story trumps any I’ve heard in a long long time.
What a welcome home party you’re getting over there…
middle-aged-woman
Sunday, 29 November, 2009 at 9:26Um, can I call you a dumbass without getting banned forever? Also, the health care thing? You got an INCREDIBLE DEAL. Welcome back to the states. I have one prescription that, without insurance, would cost me over 500 bucks a month.
Brynn
Sunday, 29 November, 2009 at 11:10I love your site! I’m sorry about your daughter, she must have been so scared.
I have to defend the Canadian health care system though! I watched that Dr. Oz show on the conditions in the states, it’s practically third world because people can’t afford health care at the moment. It’s atrocious and disgusting. I love the States, but paying $250 to have your daughter’s face stitched up is utterly unbelievable. I love that no one in Canada has to worry about affording childbirth or medical costs. And I’ve never had an issue with waiting. I’ve had emergencies with family members. If they are caring for someone who’s dying, no, they aren’t going to do stitches at the moment. But they will care for you as quickly as they can, fantastically, at no additional cost to taxes. If I need a doctors appointment, I can make one for the same day and not have to wait for ages in the waiting room. I’m glad your daughter is doing well, but she’s one of the few that has benefited from the American style of health care.
zombyboy
Sunday, 29 November, 2009 at 13:01At my home we know that it ain’t a sport until someone bleeds.
Just sayin’.
Happy Somewhere Near Thanksgiving Day.
apathy lounge
Sunday, 29 November, 2009 at 14:31Been there! Done that! Poor kid!!
the planet of janet
Sunday, 29 November, 2009 at 16:22i personally think it’s penii.
just sayin’
hope 3of3 is doing ok… xo
Avitable
Sunday, 29 November, 2009 at 19:16The word you’re looking for is “cocks”.
Glad that she’s okay – Bossy’s daughter had a dog bite on her lip, too, but that one required reconstructive surgery.
And I’ve never been to the ER and in and out in 20 minutes. I think you got lucky. :)
DeAnna
Sunday, 29 November, 2009 at 21:35Don’t you love living in America uninsured? I just dropped $400 on Wednesday to piss in a cup and be told I had a bladder infection. Last I checked, bladder infections didn’t make you vomit for 27 days straight (hey,no insurance, so I waited it out) until you begin puking blood and decide its time to go to the local urgent care. $400 bucks for a piss test and a shot of finigrin and a diagnosis that I don’t believe in. (no symptoms of bladder infection, just constant vomiting (not pregnant took 5,000 tests!) and no pain)
Nature Lovin' Super Mama
Sunday, 29 November, 2009 at 21:44you made out cheap with that ER visit…I was laid off from my job in the great state of michigan, lost all of our benefits, and mt.man decided to play with a saw at his buddies house…12 stitches in his index finger later, an antibiotic, and a $1500 dollar bill.(where I USED to work)! Thank god for homeowners insurance and an awsome friend who has been there himself. On a side note…go to walmart if you have one…all scripts are $4-$10 dollars EVERYDAY!(even though I think this store is the reason America is the way it is) saving a few dollars is always good!
Happy Holidays and hang in there! I read your past posts…and at least you are being honest with yourself! Most aren’t when moving. Good luck on this new adventure you and your family are on…I am sure you will find your place again.
colleen
Monday, 30 November, 2009 at 0:26lemme get this straight: “He was thankful to be sitting in a room eating turkey with a mannequin wearing black lace panties and miniature Santa hats as pasties over her nips.”
and you have chosen NOT to post a picture of this glorious sight? My goodness my love, the America better not be getting to you!!
;)
Jaina
Monday, 30 November, 2009 at 11:55I think you win for the most interesting Thanksgiving. I hope 3of3 heals quickly and well. That look on her face is absolutely adorable.
BusyDad
Monday, 30 November, 2009 at 12:45Zombie dogs trump all. Texas wins.
EarnestGirl
Monday, 30 November, 2009 at 15:39A quiet aside: I let my kid escape under one of those long collapsable wood/metal tables at community centers. I am sure it was for the sake of a moment’s breather, or a pleasantry exchanged with another adult human, but in that unwatched second or two under there, the metal strut gashed open my daughter’s cheekbone.
I was sure my inattention had scarred her forever.
What I noticed most in this post is how many times you said it was your fault.
Go easy on yourself babe, it is life. stitches happen. even on your watch, even *because* we encouraged them to jump on the bed, go exploring, or pat an anti-social dog.
They heal fast and well at that age.
It is us who take a little longer.
GrandeMocha
Tuesday, 1 December, 2009 at 10:37Hardly anybody makes it to adulthood without stitches and a broken bone. Just goes with the territory.
My kid has a golfball sized lump on his forehead from falling on the gym floor this morning. Of course his Christmas concert is Thursday & we were planning on taking our Christmas card picture that night because we will be clean & shiny.
un
Tuesday, 1 December, 2009 at 20:15am forseeing a blog in about November 2030 …”and as I lay waiting to get stitched mom whipped out the camera !!!” Actually it s a really sweet pic .. hope she s fine now
tracey
Tuesday, 1 December, 2009 at 20:18WHERE are the pictures of this feast???
Hope she’s ok. That pic of her face is PRICELESS. She looks royally pissed off.
just beth
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 12:28she’s TOTALLY blaming you in that picture, too. I think you can quit the self flagellation for now… you’re good.
xo
b
Charlie
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 17:36hey there – check out your local grocery stores – i know in my area the Publix grocery chain has a lot of the most common antibiotics for FREE!! also Krogers has a program that doesn’t go through insurance just through Kroger at discounted rates as well…..just though you would like to know…..from one mom to another!
raino
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 18:52okay. so sickening and sad for the little one. poor thing. but a dildo from your dad at 18??? am i the only one that picked up on that ?
tiff
Wednesday, 9 December, 2009 at 5:00hope she’s recovering okay, and your bank account too. Wow at the cost of that visit.
Canada and Australia sound very much alike. Still I’m not sure I would cope with the American health system at all.