Last year, I figured out what the hell an Advent calendar is. I’m a little slow on the uptake.
This will be the 11th Christmas I’ve ever celebrated. I still can’t, with any clarity, explain precisely what the role of the Easter bunny is in April, let alone grasp all of these weird little Yuletide nuances. In fact, I am fairly certain that, 11 years ago, Advent calendars did not exist at all, and that you, the Western world at large, are simply trying to fuck with me on as many levels as possible over the holidays.
That’s nice. Pick on the poor white trash cult-member kid every December. Stay classy, Western world.
Thanks to the Lord Almighty Twitter, the whole Advent Calendar thing clicked in my thick head last year and I decided that my children would be Scarred For Life if they did not have them. So I set out to procure for ourselves three lovely Advent calendars, a week into December.
My Christmas tree is full to the brim with little homemade ornaments all made out of clay or popsicle sticks, that all say, “Josh” and “197-something” on them. His mother kept everything, and we hang that everything on our tree every year. I came into this marriage with a dildo my dad gave me for my 18th birthday and one Cheshire Cat ornament that I didn’t even know was an ornament until somewhere around 2002. His mother, thankfully, has been catching me up by buying me, and all of us, a new ornament every single year, and more thankfully not one single instrument of penetration, but it’s not the same as having something old and handmade from your momma when it’s your turn to get drunk and breed in the backseat of a Nissan start a family. I wanted, want, my kids to have something that I lovingly slaved over for months and months, beside, um, their bodies, to pass down to their kids someday. To remember me by when I’m blowing off their family Christmas to drink drinks out of coconut shells on exotic islands with their father, because I’ll be damned if I’m not reclaiming our 20s in our 60’s, dammit. DAMMIT.
And so I turned to the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom in the universe today, Twitter, and not only found out what exactly the fuck an Advent calendar was, but (thanks to my friend pgoodness) how to make one. Myself. All crafty-like and good-motherly-ish.
And that I did. It took me weeks and all of my neighbor’s scrapbooking tools. I cut and measured and color-coordinated and spent more money than I’ll ever tell my husband, and they came together beautifully. And now I have two calenders that are both 98.26% done, and one that isn’t started yet, but everything is cut out and ready to go….
…and these, too.
Because there is a Target right up the street and I am significantly more Fartsy than Artsy at the end of the day. And, apparently, the one and only thing I can start and see through until the very end involves that ill-begotten dildo.
Tagged with: arts and crafts, christmas
Kathryn
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 11:23Crafty wench! Color me lazy because even though my sister sent me an Advent calendar a couple of weeks ago, I’ve yet to open the box it came in. So thanks for reminding me to get right on that!
I do have th Elf on the Shelf working it every night in different spots of the house, so I don’t feel like a TOTAL slacker.
Mr Lady
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 14:53@Kathryn, see? THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. What in god’s name is an elf on a shelf?
Wait, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.
DeAnna
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 22:19@Mr Lady, dude, Elf on a shelf is the best way to get into mind control. This will be our 3rd year using it, and let me tell you Bob (she named him) gets the job done! He’s a little elf that comes in a box with a book that u read to the subjects-eh,kids. Basically, he’s santa’s elf sent down from the Pole to watch ur kid personally and report back to santa. you move him around secretly every night so it appears that he is stalking Kidlets, and then put him up for next year xmas eve. Best control device ever, all I have to do is have a conversation with bob and the kids turn into angels.
http://www.amazon.com/Elf-Shelf-Christmas-Tradition-Gift/dp/B000XR6MBQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1259813826&sr=8-1
although it kills me that she named him Bob, because that’s what I refer to my battery operated boyfriend as to friends. No way she over heard that at 18 mos, right?????
DeAnna
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 22:21@DeAnna, oh, and he’s like $20 bucks at the local Borders book store, so check around. that amazon price is crazy!
Tracy
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 11:43Can you tell me HOW you made your awesome Advent Calendars? Obviously too late for this year…but maybe next.
Mr Lady
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 14:53@Tracy, I can. Let me round up an email for you…
Burgh Baby
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 11:57You are making me feel all guilty that we don’t have an Advent calendar. Not guilty enough to run out and buy one (make one? HAHAHAHAHAHA!), but still. Guilty.
Jaina
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 12:10Oh wow, those are so cute! I would love to see a front shot and hear what you have planned for the little canisters! Super duper cute. I like them. Last year I made these replicas of an advent calendar that my aunt bought when I was little. It took a mini mider saw and box, nails and a LOT of time…but my brothers loved them and my mom was absolutely amazed at the replication. It was quite a project, but SO much fun.
Mr Lady
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 14:54@Jaina, HAD planned. Candies or toys or something, I don’t know. They’re supposed to be acid stamped or frosty glue stamped with numbers, but I never made it that far. Because I blow.
Julie
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 12:21Awe shit. I’m supposed to make it nice? My advent calendar is a cardboard box w/ chocolates behind cardboard doors.
Crap.
Karen Ann
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 14:09@Julie, Ours too. And even at that sometimes we only get them a week into December…
Cori
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 12:49I am SO impressed!
My Advent calendar consisted of rings of paper, stapled together so that Homeslice can rip one apart every night.
And when I call it MINE, I mean she made it in school.
But, I hung it up!
Then promptly forgot to have her rip one apart last night.
So, I’m one for three.
awesome.
Kathryn
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 16:24The Elf on the Shelf is pretty adorable. It’s a book, and it comes with a guilt-inducing elf that watches over your kids and reports back to Santa every night. Another Christmas “thing” from my sister, who is determined that her nephew have this stuff. We do have fun putting the elf in a different spot every night, and reading the story together.
tracey
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 17:44That last line made me absolutely pee a little bit. Which, since I am way behind on laundry, I will now have to go commando. So. Thanks. I now have a reason to be all nakey nakey inside my pants. Joy!
Love the advent things, but I never remember that stuff. We have a paper chain and I am all patting myself on the back over that one. We’ve even remembered the tear the paper off! 2 days so far!! WHOOT.
MommyTime
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 19:09Here’s a nice tradition you can borrow if you like. Every year, my mother gave us each an ornament of our own. They have our initials or names on them (usually just inked in Sharpie on the bottoms), as well as the year. When we grew up and left to start our own homes, we each had a box of ornaments with which to start decorating our own trees. I am doing the same thing for my children now. When I was little, we used to love looking through the ornaments we already had and remembering those years. Now, I love doing that even more. Some are cute, some fragile, some sweetly juvenile, but they all have memories. It’s wonderful every single year when we decorate. (Just a thought, since in my experience, those preschool-made ones don’t always hold together.)
DeAnna
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 22:25@MommyTime, my family did the ornaments too- it was so nice to have them all at 18 and 5 hrs away at college to hang on my tiny Charlie Brown tree. My husband’s family never did that stuff, so every year I buy him an ornament now, one for myself, and a couples one. when we have kids they’ll get one each year as well. We typically get those really nice hallmark keepsake ornaments, but as a kid mom or grandma would take us into the store and let us pick any one we wanted…I didn’t realize how important it was until I lived on my own in a strange city!
MommyTime
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 19:12Also? You are an INSANE over-achiever for making three of those giant impressive adventstraveganzas. Most moms would have one, with three tiny candies in each day. Or one, with one prize in each day, and then each kid would take turns being Prize of the Day kid, or something. You are awesome.
Lizzle
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 19:21Those are really nice advent calendars and all, but I’m stuck on the dildo for 18th birthday part. Really? I think you just made my brain blow up a little bit.
Deb on the Rocks
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 19:58Wow, unbelievably crafty! I bet you’ll get to it next year, when you don’t have to, oh, I don’t know, move across a continent in your spare time. But what I want to say is: Bad Santa. Best appearance of an Advent calendar in a film, ever.
One Mom's Opinion
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 20:01You moved and had time to make an advent calendar. The ornaments are a big deal with me. My first Christmas away, my mother mailed me a small fake tree and two boxes of colored ornaments. I buy Harley a new ornament every year and the last few, I’ve bought several.
Are you guys settling into Houston?
Jennifer A
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 21:43Oh wow, I’m in awe that your made Advent calendars. Growing up Catholic, I had one that was a felt tree you put velcro ornaments on every year. My kids get ones with toys or chocolate. And they fight over it.
We also have the stuffed Advent wreath that you velcro a candle for each week to the wreath. No fake evergreens and real flames here like I had, made in CCD class.
Audubon Ron
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 22:01Okay, what’s an Advent Calendar? And you know me. I’m Mr. All Terrain vehicle Christian on the subject and lost incase you dummies who believe Jesus was born on December 25 you’re dead wrong, and I mean dead as in you haven’t read the discoverables on that issue in the Bible and like I’m wondering WTF it is silent on the issue. Jesus was born in September okay, if you add it up on your own. What-ever, can we just have a nice time and leave Jesus out of it? BTW, I pray to Jesus every night.
mn
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 22:34im going to have to look up advent calendar up, once i can get my solar and lunar calendar (that i follow) figured out. it’s a sliver of a moon, yup, holiday’s tomorrow…that kinda thing. .imagine planning a feast within hours bc suddenly tomorrow is a holiday! but hey, some of us live the adventurous way.
i hate to say but you look like you have more time on your (ahem) calendar than some of us do. those things look like you got them at a store…you made them…all by yourself, wow. :)
Matt
Wednesday, 2 December, 2009 at 22:36Wait…you made those in that picture up there? they look amazing. Totally jealous. If I had any crafting ability…ok if I had any artistic ability…ok if I had time…if I wasn’t so damned lazy I would think of doing something awesome like this. Well done.
Zakary
Thursday, 3 December, 2009 at 1:45You mean the kids are supposed to have their own Advent calenders? Like one for each of them? DAMMIT.
P.S. I can’t even find ours because we moved and it’s packed away.
P.P.S. I will buy the two you already have finished. Name your price. I only have two kids.
monstergirlee
Thursday, 3 December, 2009 at 11:37I bought two advent calendars with chocolate in them at IKEA last year. the chocolate was so bad the kids wouldn’t even eat it. never finished, don’t have one for this year either.
We do however have the advent wreath this year, the kids like the candles.
btw – when I clicked this morning, the photos were unavailable but I’d really like to see what they look like.
Mr Lady
Thursday, 3 December, 2009 at 11:50@monstergirlee, Dude, SORRY. That’s what happens when I try to clean my desktop. They’re back, now.
Miss Grace
Thursday, 3 December, 2009 at 12:33We have a lego Advent Calendar. Gabriel Lost.His.Sh!t. when I got it out on Tuesday.
MamaBug
Thursday, 3 December, 2009 at 16:11Nice Calendars! I bought the round treat cups but didn’t make them this year. I made 4 (4!!!!!! you can see them on my blog) advent calendars and was ready to start on the one for my boys (see, I make them share 1 calendar!) and the middle one says “yeah, we don’t need that one ‘cuz we have the chocolate one.”
The crappy chocolate made without love?! Whatever. My feelings aren’t *sob* hurt.
We do elf on the shelf and the whole “he’s watching you” thing really works. Or is scarring them, which ever, it’s keeping them from fighting.
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo
Friday, 4 December, 2009 at 0:12Holy Shit!
My kids get the 5 buck crap chocolate calendars from Target.
I suck. But they love that shit.
Lee
Friday, 4 December, 2009 at 1:30This post has totally freaked me out. I have no idea what to say except I am in shock at that Holly Homemaker advent calendar. Speechless really.
The only thing I can comment on is that Elf on a Shelf phenomenon. I JUST heard about Mr. Elf Shelf for the first time yesterday and I’m getting one. I’ll try anything.
battynurse
Friday, 4 December, 2009 at 17:10Having also been raised with very odd (culty) religious beliefs I was also Christmas deprived most of my life and each year I make up for it with great gusto. I have currently 6 or more (haven’t counted lately) large rough totes full of all my Christmas stuff and love ornaments, lights etc. The advent calendars are very cool. Both the ones you bought and the 2 you made. That is a very creative idea.
Condo Blues
Friday, 4 December, 2009 at 19:49I hate to break it to you but Advent calenders have been around forever. It’s a Danish tradition from back when Hans Christan Anderson was alive and kicking. Although I never had one and I’m part Danish :(
But I’ll share another Christmas tradition with you. It’s called Glugg. It’s a punch Danes make at Christmas with about 4 different kinds of alcohol and light on fire. Firey alcoholic drinks around relatives? Yes, please.
Misty
Friday, 4 December, 2009 at 21:25I think everyone’s missing the point… What about the dildo? What possessed YOUR DAD to give you one??
Mocha
Sunday, 6 December, 2009 at 9:18Heh. I just posted about Elf on a Shelf, Mr. Lady.
http://www.mochamomma.com/2009/12/01/shelf-elves-trump-jesus-any-day/
I was wondering the same damn thing.
Aimee Greeblemonkey
Sunday, 6 December, 2009 at 11:09Whoah. Impressed.
P.s. Do you have an advent wreath yet? (insert evil laugh)
kim
Sunday, 6 December, 2009 at 18:22This will be year two celebrating for me…also, thanks for telling me what an advent calender is, because oh I am 24 and didn’t know what it is…
Former ex-cult member,
Kim
ClodVanTam
Monday, 7 December, 2009 at 23:02You stink. I mean, that’s fantastic you are so talented! My craftiness only goes so far. Hubster and I splurged on a felt Mickey Mouse icon Advent calendar at Downtown Disney this past September. Gotta say, it’s pretty darned cute. Glad the Evil Rodent Empire took religion out of Christmas. Ooops, did I say that aloud?
Jennifer Taggart, TheSmartMama
Tuesday, 8 December, 2009 at 1:24Okay my kids have advent calendar, but I did not know about the Elf on the Shelf. I thought it was just some stuffed toy with a book gimmick but did not KNOW about the mind control. That is genius – an elf that reports misdeeds to Santa. Absolute genius. I’m getting one tomorrow so I can at least have some peace and quiet for a couple of weeks. . . now, is there one of those things for the Easter Bunny (a chick on an egg? Humpty Dumpty?) and the Switch Witch for Halloween.