The Nothing

My mother in law is staying with me for the next three weeks, and you all know what THAT means.

Nothing.

Not one fat fucking thing, that’s what it means. Well, except that I’m lonely.

See, my mother in law and I have never had the best of relationships. We’ve gone from ‘Maybe you’re gonna be the one to save me’ to ‘Mortal Kombat’ to ‘Half a world away’ and yes, I realize that those three things aren’t the same, and therefore make for a pretty weak analogy, but I also don’t thing Analogy is what I’m going for here but I went to high school and this is a personal blog which is, like, one ill-placed semi-colon away from; being a rough draft, so whatever.

We liked each other moderately, then we wanted to beat each other’s brains out with a herring, and then I moved to a different country and she moved to a different continent.

Does the possessive plural of other need an apostrophe?

Can you tell I’ve been doing a LOT of 4th grade catch-up homework lately?

And that the last time I was asleep, it was for three hours, and it happened 19 hours ago?

So, she moved back from Africa after 2 1/2 years and then came to see us in Canada for a few weeks. And we both acted like complete assholes during the whole lead-up to that visit, because we have drama between us and we’re, um, the exact same person and it annoys the fuck out of both of us? Yeah, that’s about right.

But like they say, or at least he says, the anticipation of death is worse than death itself and once she was here, we realized that we’d actually both grown up ever so slightly and that we not only could co-exist without the world ending, we could even enjoy it a little.

So this time she came for three weeks over Christmas and New Year’s, and no one is the least bit worried about it. I’m letting her wash the dishes, which is one of those things my ‘I don’t need you’ pride and my ‘My momma dropped me too many times’ stupidity kept me from ever letting her do before. She’s letting me cook for her and not apologizing or over-thanking me for it.

There is balance in our lives. It only took 14 years.

She and 3of3 were playing hide and seek, and she walked right in on me in my bathroom while I was only wearing what my momma gave me, and my momma is slightly smaller than one of your average freeways, so what she gave me isn’t actually fit to be seen in the light of day by the guy I’m banging, let alone his mother.

But there she was in the entry and there I was in front of the Wall of Mirrors, so she pretty much had Full Monty, and I almost but didn’t exactly so much as bat an eye. Because for one millisecond I wanted to, but then I remembered her standing over me, holding a thigh in the air, spending the better part of an hour watching someone who looks slightly like her worm his way out of the one place goddammit she told her son to stay away from because this is exactly the sort of things that happens when you dumb kids get drunk unsupervised.

She’s seen me in worse conditions, that’s all I’m saying.

And we’re at that point where we can look back over these past 14 years and sort of laugh off a good deal of it, because our priorities in life are changing and it’s not so important to feel right anymore, or we’re both just too old for this shit.

So she asked to come for three weeks, and I thought that would be absolutely lovely, and then I accepted three days of meetings at work. 2,000 miles away from home. I’m not THAT reformed.

So I’ve left my children alone with my mother in law for four days while I gallivant across the west coast over what are the first full days I’ve spent without my children in six months. And I don’t feel the least bit bad about it, because I’ve been with them EVERY DAY STRAIGHT FOR SIX MONTHS and she hasn’t seen them in over a year and I needed to take this trip 2 months ago to catch up and mother in laws are supposed to help you with your kids when you need them, right? And I’m finally comfortable enough with her to ask her to do this for me, and not grovel or over-explain it.

And here I sit in my pretty little hotel room with a great big bed that doesn’t have a 4 year old that got kicked out of her room for the next three weeks so Gramma could have some privacy in it, and my clothes are hanging up on hangars, not scrunched in the corner of the closet because the kids’ stuff needs a proper space, and my makeup/jewelry/stuff I’m not born with is lined in on the bathroom counter where I can just grab whatever I need, whenever I need it, and not have to dig through 15 Dora backpacks to try & find my q-tips and it’s perfectly quiet here.

There is silence in my life for the first time in 6 months. There is deafening silence surrounding me. I can sit at a desk and actually work, I can lay in my bed and actually sleep, all because my mother in law got the balls to just ask for what she wanted, and I grew the balls to do the same.

And I’d give anything to be home with them all right now. Someone punch me in the face until I come back to reality, please.

EarnestGirl

Wednesday, 16 December, 2009 at 23:12

nope, I’m not gonna hit you. I’m gonna let you wallow in all that quiet, in that big grown up bed that you made for yourself (or at least turned back the covers of for yourself) and enjoy playing with your balls.

pgoodness

Wednesday, 16 December, 2009 at 23:13

Ah, accepting help…so hard for me, too. Glad you guys found some sort of happy middle ground. :) Enjoy the silence!

Miss Grace

Wednesday, 16 December, 2009 at 23:21

What I took away from this: Are you in California?

Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo

Raid the mini bar woman.

I am sure that is a work related expense.

And? A WHOLE BED TO YOURSELF.

Kathryn

Well I’m not going to punch you in the face because there’s not a damn thing wrong with missing your family. I love going on business trips and having a few days to myself, no one to think about but me in some fancy hotel room, but I miss my family when I’m gone, too.

So enjoy your trip, try not to be too lonely because you’re going to be home soon.

We should try to reschedule that cocktail thing when you get back and have time.

Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 0:23

Ha! Miss Grace beat me to it.

Zakary

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 2:15

My MIL is coming for Christmas after inviting herself over.

She also just informed us she is moving to Thailand.

I’m sure she will find a way to annoy the shit out of me from there as well.

Enjoy yourself. Go get a pedicure.

Tara R.

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 6:45

Enjoy your peace and quiet, then go home and have fun with your MIL. Maybe even go off alone together for some girlie bonding.

TeacherMommy

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 8:14

Nope. You need the rest. Even if it hurts.

And that apostrophe in the plural possessive of “other”? Totally necessary.

MidLifeMama

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 8:21

My three year old has just developed a whole new side of his personality that makes Veruca Salt look like Hermione Granger. Can I come stay in your room with you?

Burgh Baby

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 9:05

*Cue Depeche Mode*

Enjoy the Silence.

It won’t last, but I bet it sure will be beautiful.

Tracy

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 9:14

I wish I could say that I envy’d you. I wish I could say that I would love for my mother in law to come stay with us and help me. I wish I could… but then I’d be lying. And vomitting. And kicking my own ass for even thinking it. I can’t stand my mother in law. Or my father in law. Not.one.bit. I will kill myself to get things done if it means I dont have to have that woman in my home.

Maybe one day we’ll grow up. Maybe.

Honeybell

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 9:43

By comparison, I am totally jealous of your awesome relationship with your MIL.

Darcie

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 10:05

Enjoy the precious gifts you’ve been given :-) Sounds like peace within yourself, with your relationship with your MIL, uninterrupted time to get some work done, AND time to recharge your batteries.

Headless Mom

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 10:20

I know that you’ll enjoy it a little.

I never even got to meet my mother in law. She passed away when my husband was 19. It makes me sad for him.

(See what I did there? You can thank me later.)

Tina

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 11:01

Who doesn’t love a little brutal honesty…from someone who dislikes her husband’s family, starting with the matriarch and trickling down through most of his 9 siblings…you’d think after 20 years these people would realize, I’m a keeper. Thank GOD none of them want to come here for the Holidays or I would be a sad statistic.

April

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 11:07

You’ll be home soon enough and kicking yourself for not enjoying this time to yourself.

Allie

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 11:18

I’m so jealous of you right now it’s not even funny. I want a break from my family so badly and I know that sounds bad but I don’t care. I want to be able to do what I want and not worry about the 3 year old that’s constantly saying “But Mom, I’m Staaaaarving!” or maybe just pee without having someone barge in because “Nicholas was hitting me.” So, enjoy your time off even if you think you miss them right now, that’s just your heart talking and I try to ignore that thing. :)

Kori

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 11:32

Tee hee, I am so juvenile that I was laughing about the comment above about recharging your batteries; because hey, a minibar, a big empty bed, and batteries? I might not go home.

raino mot

aw..beauty post. love it.

listen … enjoy the short amount of alone time because, well, you deserve it.

you will be back home in no time to the yelling, rowdiness and MIL!

oh and happy christmas girly.

anne nahm

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 12:23

adore you.

mn

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 12:45

this is why I just dread becoming a mother in law decades from now. Bc it’s no fun. You’re always an imposition – no matter what kind of in-law you are. I think only father in laws have it easier.
you haven’t met my mother-in-law who is extremely overcontrolling, overbearing (she even calls me to tell me how to pack my kids’ suitcase or how to pick up the kid from the airport) it makes me angry. one time she took away my daughter’s cell phone so i couldn’t talk to her for two weeks long distance. she’s used the B-word with me, the F-word with me, shown up at my house screaming in the hallway bc her son wouldnt’ talk to her, has major anger issues and is downright hellish. her only child can’t stand to love her. so perhaps this will make you feel better.
she has a caring side, and i do feel sorry for her. but no matter how far you are, and i’m clear five states away, she can still choke me through email. And believe me, I am one of the nicest people and daughter in laws you will meet. I obey, I say, sure, whatever you want to do. And I blame my spouse for not placing down boundaries and still being reliant on his parents for finances and all that crap. It’s sad.
so be patient. not all mother in laws are bad. and i do personally feel sorry for MILs bc it is a tough role to play. I think i’ll just stay out period, as much as I love my kids, and I want them to be happy, I’m going to do what my parents always did (and maybe not always the best idea bc even married kids need guidance) they stayed the heck out of my business. They spoiled my husband by doing that. Which is why he got away with things he got away with. ugh, ok, must stop.

BusyDad

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 12:58

Yeah, but I can offer you bagels. Perks. I’m all about perks.

Debb

Thursday, 17 December, 2009 at 16:03

My mom is a great MIL to my hubby–no matter what he says. :)

My husband lost his mom when he was 28, so I have never had a MIL–we met when he was 32. It makes me sad for him. Now his piece of shit sperm donor on the other hand is a first rate numbero uno a*****. He did not talk to us for 10 years, then wrote a horrid letter to his son last year. Thank God, he is no longer speaking to us. That man is like poison.

Enjoy your few days away–quit moping and enjoy. You know you need a break after the last few weeks. Take advantage.

MommyTime

Friday, 18 December, 2009 at 0:19

I just know that semi-colon joke was for me. Wasn’t it? Or at least you’ll let me think it was? I get how the silence is deafening, though I would give a good bit for a little of that deafness in the next 24 hours so I could get me some crazy amounts of work done… Still, if you need a drinking buddy, call me. Of course, it will necessitate another flight to a place not nearly as nice as where you are. But my place has cookies. Good ones. So that’s something…

Audubon Ron

Friday, 18 December, 2009 at 5:29

Wait a minute. I think we got entirely WAY too many sets of balls going on here. It’s just an overnighter kinda for cry’in out loud.

PS, don’t listen to Kelley, STAY AWAY FROM THE MINI BAR. That shit is expense. It’s like $90 for a Coke.

Kristin

Friday, 18 December, 2009 at 8:30

That, my friend, is the suckiest part of parenting. You can’t wait to get away and then when you finally do, you spend the whole time wanting to be back with them.

Jan

Saturday, 19 December, 2009 at 12:24

Sorry… off the subject… congrats on being named to Babble.com’s Top 50 Mommy Bloggers! Third place for “most controversial” even. LOVE!

Mad Woman

Saturday, 19 December, 2009 at 23:26

I’ve never had a mother in law to worry about…just my father in law. I wonder if I’ll like him when we get to 14 years or if I’ll just carry on hating him?!

Enjoy the silence!

Country-Fried Mama

Sunday, 20 December, 2009 at 8:25

A room of your own, even if it’s for only a few days, sounds like a well-deserved Christmas gift.

Bejewell

Sunday, 20 December, 2009 at 16:29

My mother in law (known to us as “The Strangler” because of one bad night year ago that involved cheap wine, angry words, her hands wrapped around her only son’s neck, and an unexpected midnight drive home to Texas from Kansas) is a nut. We’ve had an on-again, off-again terrible relationship for years. But then along came The Bean, and suddenly she loves me, I’m no longer the harlot that stole her son away and corrupted him, but the mother of her grandchild, and I can do no wrong. It’s weird, and totally hypocritical, and kind of makes me want to punch her in the face, but hey, I guess it’s better than the alternative.

So what I’m trying to say is, mother in laws suck. I hope I’m never one.

Suebob

Sunday, 20 December, 2009 at 23:36

“but I went to high school and this is a personal blog which is, like, one ill-placed semi-colon away from; being a rough draft, so whatever.”

Genius.

monstergirlee

Monday, 21 December, 2009 at 17:52

Yeah, I’d miss them too, but also enjoy the heck out of myself.
Glad you and the MIL got things worked out. I bet everyone enjoyed themselves.

Melani

Monday, 21 December, 2009 at 18:19

just found your blog thru a common place of fellow mom’s…I must say I like your writing style and it is so true, the minute we get away from the kids (I have 4 and 1 step) we are so happy and then all we do is think about them or talk about them, WTF??? why do we do this???? probably because we are MOMS or insane, you decide!