I am one of those ‘black thumb’ kinds of people. It’s almost a gift the way I can take any simple living thing and kill the shit out of it. Just ask any one of my 12 ex-hamsters.
I’ve been especially blessed in my talent for killing plants. My ex once bought my a lovely succulent glass-menagerie-arrangement thingy for a birthday or an anniversary or something, because the guy who sold it to him assured him that cactus and aloe and jade were nigh unkillable. And I’d feel much worse about not being able to remember why he bought it for me if I hadn’t killed the fucking thing in less than a week.
One of my best friends made a a series of window-boxes full of fresh herbs for my 27th birthday, and that I can remember which only goes to show you how much more important my girlfriends are to me than my lovers, but that doesn’t really make a difference when it comes to harbingering death.
The herbs made it two weeks. I am the shittiest friend alive.
But then I moved to Vancouver and maybe it was the optimal climate but realistically it was the searing loneliness that drove me to try my hand at growing plants again. I started small, at Ikea, with two $0.99 houseplants no bigger than my palm. I loved those things like I’d loved everyone I left behind in Denver. I named them and spoke to them every day. I encouraged them to grow. I fed them extra nutrients and pruned them. And I’ll be damned if those bitches didn’t THRIVE.
Two Ikea houseplants turned into a Red Emerald Philodendrons that I rescued from the grocery store window and a jade that I found crammed in the back of a book store and countless other stray plants that we looking for a reject like me to take them home and save them.
I did kill the jade. Bygones.
The rest of them lived, and how they lived. I eventually moved into my little garden at my little townhouse and planted all sorts of things. I got so fancy as to plant for seasons. I even planted fruits. I got good. And then I had to move to Texas and they don’t exactly let you bring plants across the border, so I had to leave them all behind.
It was arguably just as hard for me to watch all of my houseplants go home with the wife of my international truck driver as it was to say goodbye to the people I’d spent every single day with for three years. Which is just fucking ridiculous, but it’s true.
I’ve started trying to collect a few houseplants for our new home, but I just haven’t quite felt it yet. I haven’t ventured out to make any new friends, either, so there’s that. But sometimes in life, the right thing comes along from whence you least expect it and makes everything right again.
My son got a Chia Pet for Christmas. I think I’m in love with it.
I know it’s only going to live for four weeks or something and then it will leave me like everything leaves me and I’ll spiral into some horrid depression that can only be cured by chocolate ice cream and George Clooney, but for now I am slightly overly obsessed with this little miracle of dollar-store science. I water it every morning. I stroke it’s newly-sprouted, well, um….sprouts? and I talk to it. I encourage it to ‘be all you can be, little buddy!’ and then I realize that I need to take up drinking or skeet shooting or something because I’M TALKING TO A FUCKING CHIA PET but I don’t care, really. I’m giving something life again, and that’s what I’ve been missing.
AH-HA. *cue moment of clarity*
So it’s either talk to the Chia Pet like a crazy woman, or have another baby. And move into a shoe.
Tagged with: green thumbs, growing, plants
Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 0:54Cha – Cha – Cha – Chia! Is it Scooby Doo? Please say yes.
BusyDad
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 1:00Did you know that I wanted to be a Chia Pet next Halloween? If you succeed at this, I need you to figure out a way to transplant Chia hair onto a human scalp. I have every confidence in you. As long as the Chia Pet isn’t the hamster one.
Mad Woman
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 2:00I love Chia Pets. I haven’t seen any since we moved to this side of the world though, so it’s possible that I can’t get them any more. Glad to know I’m not the only one with a black thumb!
Veronica
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 2:20Do they have giant shoes in Texas? Or is it all cowboys and tumbleweeds?
Now I’ve got to go and google what the hell a Chia Pet is.
Mary Jo
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 2:30When I was a teenager my dad and I had one of those seasonal hanging flowering plants… we took such pride in that thing, and it lived 2 years!! After it died I gave up on plants until my dad passed away and we were given live plants. They thrived for me, but when we moved I gave them to my mom… and those plants BLEW UP! They love her house and her I think, while they thrived for me, they are just extraordinary for her. Some people just have it. :-)
Scary Mommy
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 5:26I couldn’t even keep a damn Chia alive. I’m cursed.
Country-Fried Mama
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 6:58You just reminded me to hide my dead rosemary topiary before the playgroup comes over. Don’t want to scare the kiddos. (And I hope you meet some nice Texans soon.)
RobMonroe
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 7:45I would stick with the Chia Pet – even if you have to go out and buy a whole farm worth. They eat a lot less than the children… :o)
Bradie
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 7:59Come on now….living in a shoe is not so bad!! The fun part is the whippin’ before bed. ;)
Bradie <————- mother of eight
Lauren
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 8:07I’m also a plant killer. Gardening is a skill that I do not possess.
Kori
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 8:14Jeez, go make some friends already. Join the PTA; I hear there are some really neat women in that group! :) Me, we;;. I have three plants, two of which don’t actually die if I don’t water them, they just get all droopy and sad and scream out to me,”Water me, you selfish bitch!” and then a bamboo which just, I don’t know, sits there and does NOT, in fact, bring prosperity into the house. I am a little bitter about that one-but perhaps it might bring some prosperity if I, you know, took care of it. Hmm. Interesting thought.
Jessi
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 8:30I can kill anything. I wonder if I will have a sudden turn around in my plant fortune someday. You inspire me to non-killeryness.
Tara R.
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 8:36I’d go for the Chia. Did you know you can get one in the shape of Prez. Obama’s head? You can have a green thumb and be a patriot, who knew?
https://www.chiaobama.com/flare/next
Audubon Ron
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 8:53Now if you live in the southern half of the state of Texas, which is metaphorical for the state of mind actually, you will soon experience the scorching heat and debilitating humidity, I’m sure not revealed in the travel brochure before you moved there, but satisfactorily you will have a lot of rain and temperatures worthy of growing such things as stag horn ferns and all sorts of other tropical type stuff.
I never knew you had an ex. See, everyday with you is a new adventure.
C @ Kid Things
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 10:09They have a chia herb garden. Just so you know.
It has to be a very hardy for me to keep it alive. And even then, its odds are against it.
Noelle
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 11:38Chia pets need love too. I would know, I killed one once. I’m hopeless.
rougeneck
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 11:52I can’t even grow rosemary. And that shit is supposed to be indestructible and idiot proof. Clearly I failed on both counts.
Zoeyjane
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 11:52If you get one of the Obama chia pets, then I’m sure Texas will welcome you even more than it already has!
MommyTime
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 13:53So then your kids will be 1of3 2of3 3of3 and FauxChia? Seriously, I think the leap from fondling a Chia Pet to having another baby is a pretty big one. Perhaps start a bit smaller. Desert succulents, maybe?
Zakary
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 14:10I seriously hope it was the Obama Chia Pet.
Or the Jerry Garcia one.
Either way, equally as rad.
notasoccermom
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 15:42I kill a lot of plants too but now, because I let my son talk me into a lab puppy on his 16th birthday… he is now 20 and the dog is no longer a puppy…
And the dang dog just loves digging. I cannot grow anything he doesn’t kill.
Wonder if a chia fits into his diet?!
and- now that you are in Texas, make some friends and send me a cowboy!
MidLifeMama
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 17:57Busy Dad: one plastic swim cap and a bunch of those plastic plants for aquariums, a pair of scissors and you too can be a walking chia pet.
I used to kill every jade plant I met. Then one day a friend of mine gave me one for Christmas. I stuck it in my window box over the kitchen sink, and it has thrived. My friend died last year, and now I have a great piece of him. I have even propagated babies from it. I would send you one, but that seems like a silly thing to send from Boston to Texas.
Well Read Hostess/Jane
Monday, 4 January, 2010 at 18:10Plants are a pain in the ass – they aren’t meant to live in windowsills. You aren’t killing them, they are committing suicide because they’d rather be in the wild.
Jesus, woman. Let yourself off the hook. You aren’t a bad friend b/c you killed some herbs. You’d be a bad friend if you went to your friend’s house and intentionally killed HER herbs. Or her family. That would mean you were a seriously shitty friend, actually.
An anything that leads you to chocolate ice cream and George Clooney (e.g. plant death) is only good.
the planet of janet
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 2:15and now i have the damned commercial stuck in my head.
if you need another kid, i can send you one of mine. there’s one with a mohawk, industrial piercings and tattoos right now that you might like.
and she has her own car, so you will have a built-in schlepper.
califmom
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 2:33How ’bout an all Chia pet garden? Too creepy? Might be a nice way to funk it up in TX. Can’t you replant the Chia once it’s done sprouting? Maybe stick some wheat grass in there. Give Obama Chia a Don King fro.
Rose in VT
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 7:02Someone once told me you know when your family is complete – I have 18 yo twins, a 15 yo and an 11 yo. Chia pets are nice, but if you are meant to have one more baby…… The answer is in your heart – or join a playgroup for young children, that’ll cure it!!
Paula/adhocmom
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 10:15Sister, as long as the chia pet isn’t talking back, as far as I’m concerned, you’re doin’ alright!
xo,
Paula
http://www.adhocmom.com
Burgh Baby
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 11:36I drive past the house we moved from in July daily. It’s the first house we lived in as a married couple and it’s the house that was our daughter’s first home. Only once have I more than glanced at the place and that was the day the new owner hacked the shrubs in the front yard. Seriously, totally hacked them. They are now dead because he cut them back way, way, way too far. I sobbed when I first saw what he had done. Doesn’t bother me to know that he has painted over the murals in the baby nursery, but hacking those shrubs was a sin.
You’re lucky I don’t have your address or I would send you a lifetime supply of Chia Pets.
Beth
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 11:45My grandmother was given a beautiful plants once when she was in the hospital. She took it home with her and dutifully watered it, keeping the soil moist etc etc. Yeah, it was a silk plant and she rotted it out from the inside. My grandmother killed a fake plant. I love her!
DisgruntledMom
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 15:01I admire that you ever had flowers and intentionally cultivated plants in your yard. I’ve managed to grow 2 types of flowers every year, and I say, “Thank God for dandelions and the pretty purple flowers that crop up on the wildly overgrown alfalfa from neighboring pastures!”
I had a Chia Pet once. Damn thing never did grow! It knew it was doomed from the start.
lanned
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 15:26Do we get to vote? Crazy woman or baby? Cause I’ll go baby every time. And shoes…shoes are not so bad…unless they’re my husband’s.
Missives From Suburbia
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 15:38What? I turn away from blogging for a month (okay, longer), and you’re in Texas? What the? You didn’t move to Minnesota!!!
You need orchids. They’re very low-maintenance. They’re the only things I can keep alive, and I am like the ICU for orchids. I can even bring them back from the dead. I’m the Dr. Frankenstein of orchids. BOW TO ME!
No, seriously, Texas?
P.S. If you’re moving from state-to-state, you’re not legally allowed to move plants, but we always bribe our movers. A handy tip for when you move to MINNESOTA. To be with me and my orchids, of course.
GrumbleBot
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 16:28Welcome to Texas! I recommend the hibiscus here. I can’t seem to grow anything, but these guys have already demanded (in three months!) that I take them out of the pot and put them firmly in the ground already.
I’ve been reading your blog for about a year but finally decided I’d better “delurk” and say “howdy!”
Lee of MWOB
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 16:50I can NOT believe you are going to have another BABY!!! Holy shit!
:-)
moosh in indy.
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 22:55I almost thought about getting an Orchid. You know, with all that light! and the windows! and the manageable temperature! and the well behaved five year old!
I made bread instead. I’ve never killed bread.
Really that orchid should thank me.
mn
Tuesday, 5 January, 2010 at 23:23ooooh, i would have loved to see pictures of your plants.
Kathryn
Thursday, 7 January, 2010 at 23:07Grumble is right, the hibiscus will blow you away. They’re gorgeous and they bloom daily. I hate summer here but the hibiscus blooming always puts a smile on my face.
And hey, if you want to meet up for a drink sometime just let me know. Work downtown, live in the ‘burbs…either place works for me.
Gappy
Saturday, 9 January, 2010 at 15:48Ha! Separated at birth!
I have managed to kill three different Spider plants in my life-time, and they are apparently immortal.
pixielation
Sunday, 10 January, 2010 at 6:03you definitely need more houseplants. Or a vege plot. I am sure you can work with this climate too.
Another baby on the other hand requires more than just watering and manure. Apparently.