The Audacity Of Hope | Whiskey in My Sippy Cup : Surviving Parenting. Kinda.

Sunday is allowance day at our house. Every week, we sit down for dinner and half-way through the kids ‘gently remind’ us that they haven’t received their allowance yet by saying, “Hey, you owe us $5.” They do this because they realize that we’re A) old B) not elephants and C) off our fish oil supplements, and therefore have the memory of your common household door-stop.

Luckily for us, our eyeglass prescriptions are up-to-date, so we can see the mountains of boxers and socks piled up on the couch, the pencil shavings cleverly swept behind the trash can and the obscure hieroglyphics adorning the walls. And we giggle at our silly children and tell them to eat more broccoli.

It used to be that they were paid by the chore. If I’ve learned anything about men all these years, it’s that the way to their heart is through their wallets. You want a man to do something? Pay him. Payment, of course, negotiable by age and relationship to you. My boys never wanted to be “good helpers to their momma!” like my daughter does…they wanted Pokemon cards. Lots and lots of Pokemon cards.

We had a massive dry erase board hung in their room with a column down the left of all the chores we’d like them to do, and a row across the top with the days of the week. It went a little something like this:

People, I write. I never said I could draw.

It taught them word recognition and addition and a little self-reliance. They filled out the chart all by themselves; I simply shelled out shiny quarters and head pats at week’s end.

But now that they’re older, they’re not contracted laborers anymore…they are salaried employees. I’m not trying to get them in the habit of doing chores by bribing them anymore, I’m trying to instill the concept of a work. And if you don’t do your job, all of it, bitch don’t get paid, yo. So the days of “X chore=X dollar” are over, and the days of “You have five days to complete these four tasks” are upon us. They don’t do all four? They don’t get their allowance. Period. I suck.

But Captain Selective and his first mate, Memory, choose to forget this every week and instead take out the trash on Saturday night and then wait with hopeful hearts and outstretched hands for magical golden coins to fall from the sky. I keep trying to tell them that magical coins only fall from the sky when strangers wearing bedazzaled tights break into their rooms at night and steal their teeth, but for some reason, that just gives them nightmares. However, months weeks of no allowance are taking their toll, and my kids are starting to fight back. They are hoping against hope. They are getting cocky.

I found my oldest son’s locker dry erase board hanging on the fridge, offered without comment, on Monday morning after he went off to school.

“Allowence: Put under magnet. I’ll get it later.”

Maybe the boy can’t spell for shit, but he’s got ’strong-armed negotiation of the terms of his own existence’ down to a silent, arrogant artform.

Keyona

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 9:34

Well shit, how do you say no to that. Better pay up!

Suzy Voices

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 9:43

THAT is priceless!! I’d give him the money for his ingenuity. LOVE IT!

Tara R.

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 10:40

An extortionist… and at such a tender age. You must be so proud. Doesn’t sound like you have a choice.

Mrs. Schmitty

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 11:18

My kids haven’t earned an allowance in I swear a year. Little boogers!

Audubon Ron

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 11:21

My how things have changed. My allowance was a slap on the back of the head if the chore wasn’t done…and I was on the installment plan.

Debb

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 11:40

Too funny. I say take a red dry erase marker and cirle all the blanks, then write a note back to him.

~dawn

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 12:51

My kids do similar things to get their allowance, which we have not ever really said they get.
But creativity will get you far in this house so they are rewarded for theirs by payment of some form… maybe money, maybe a trip to Borders for some new books, or a movie with popcorn and soda paid for by Mom and Dad.
I like letting them figure out what chores need done and then letting them *think* it was their idea to do them in order to get paid.
I think I’m Brilliant… they think I’m senile.
Whichever, the chores get done!

BusyDad

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 12:52

So help you God. They’ve unionized.

Zakary

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 13:08

I’m going to try this with my husband. Perhaps if I ask for hundred dollar bills under a magnet, he will comply. He’s good at taking direction.

Don McNeill

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 13:20

When the recession hit it was easy to tell the kids that the money was tight and we would pay them later. But when we started raiding thier piggy banks they tried mutiny until I showed them the mortgage bill and asked for rent.

I have a gadget that my daughter created you might want to review – The Wheel of Choreture! Spin it and find your doom.

MommyTime

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 13:41

That is the awesomeness to end all awesomeness. I like how the week’s allowance is to be paid on Monday after the completion of TWO of the FOUR day’s chores. Nice.

Go to the check mark system my mother used. A chart like your lovely pictoral one above, only without dollar amounts. Each night, after dinner, was the Ceremonial Checking Off of Proper Chore-Like Behaviors. At the end of the week, only those with ___ number of checks got ___. Of course, we were all girls, and I don’t ever recall an allowance, so I think at the end of the week, we either got a Heaping Helping of Pride or a Large Dose of Shame. Whatever. It totally worked.

MidLifeMama

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 14:01

Oh no he didn’t. He would find the response from me that goes something like “Note from the Management: Allowances will appear under the magnet when you DO THE CHORES and ALL OF THE CHORES and nothing LESS than all of the chores. Thank you for your cooperation.”

WackyMummy

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 14:13

Oh my! I don’t know WHAT I’m gonna do when my little guy learns about allowance… I just hope he graduates high school and gets a job first. Yes, I aim high.

AmyLK

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 14:56

That’s funny! I have a white board almost just like that! Son even tried to negotiate days where said chores didn’t have to be done. But none of them get done unless I do them and he doesn’t get paid!

Wendy

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 15:27

Normal lurker. LUUUUUUVVVVVV your blog. I snorted tea out of my nose when I read “Captain Selective and his first mate, Memory.” That was just awesomeness!

DuneChick

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 15:38

Mine do the chores they just forget to remind me to pay them, when they do remember I owe them $15 or more sometimes. I know it won’t last long and soon they will start remembering to ask every week.

Mad Woman

Such a budding mobster. “Give me the money and I won’t break your thumbs”. I can only hope my spawn never employ such tactics. I’d cave in seconds.

Kristin

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 15:45

That’s great. That gives me the same grinning feeling as when my daughter walked into the kitchen one morning and said “I’m not sick. I’m not pretending to be sick. I don’t have a test or a speech. I just don’t want to go to school today. Can I stay home?” It’s that “hey, nice negotiating” feeling.

And if I could attach a photo here, I would show you the current sign on her door, placed there Sunday night – “Mammy, please take this and let me sleep.” With a twenty dollar bill (birthday money) pushpinned right to it. Heh.

un

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 16:06

ouch miss the old heading and lay out . way to go 1of3

One Mom's Opinion

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 16:18

You must be doing something right, they are cooperating. The only thing chore I can get Harley to do for $ is dusting.

GingerB

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 17:31

If you hear them in the upstairs hall shouting

“The People
United
Will Never be Defeated!”

then you are entirely doomed, and I fear for your way of life. Until then I am taking a page from your book and making the baby take the silverware out of the dishwasher. This way it looks like I am in charge, right?

Hockeyman

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 20:00

If I ever need an agent, I’m hiring him.

RubyTwoShoes

Wednesday, 3 February, 2010 at 20:45

Seeing as though this is the complaint department, I am afraid I am going to have to call you on this “recognition and self reliance gig”, sounds bit more like wage slaves to the capitalist system if you ask me. But I am a notorious lefty, and therefore easily dismissed….

Sarah

Thursday, 4 February, 2010 at 10:17

Ooh that cocky child–hard to know whether to get a little pissy with him or be proud, eh?

Allowance and chores and payment and being Mean Mommy who sticks-to-her-guns is just exhausted. I find myself yelling “Just DO IT already!” at the top of my lungs.

Except for this week. I have declared the rest of this week a “No-Yelling Zone.” Hmmph. Let’s see if I make it out alive.