I mean, pain like that can't have come to be by accident. There *must* have been some intelligent designer with some sa-heerious mommy issues behind it. So my pedicurist comes over and oh good, it's the lady who usually does 3of3's toes. She's nice, she doesn't make me talk to her too m....oh, wait. She's sitting down at the chair beside me. Weird, I was totally here first. And then he came over.
A. Man. There are no men in pedicures. (Well, there was one dude in there with his wife, but he was adorable and by adorable I mean insanely hot and so we all smiled at him and did not drool at all and admired that he loved his wife so much he'd get a fucking lotus flower salt scrub pedicure on Mother's Day with her. That's devotion.) (Fuck Google.) (Also, my very insanely hot boyfriend is also into public displays of affection on Mother's Day, but I am pretty sure he draws the line at people touching his feet. We all have limits to our love.)
So this guy, whom I've seen at the nail place before, starts giving me a pedicure. I had just enough of The Patriarchy beat into me that there are not enough massage chairs and paraffin dips on earth to make me okay with a man admistering my pedicure. I was all WHAA? and he was all later you shall understand and I was like dude, you shall never wash my feet and he was all unless I wash you, you will have no part with me and then I was like well shit, go ahead then.
No, that was Jesus. Nevermind.
Jesus for dummies aside: Snoop Dog needs to make the next audio-recording of the Bible. I'd totally play that bullshit on roadtrips.
So this guy is giving me a pedicure and at first I don't even know what to make eye contact with or anything but then he started scrubbing my feet with the callous remover thing and oh my god you guys? Seriously? THE CLUB COULDN'T EVEN HANDLE HIM RIGHT NOW.
Upper body strength - 1; 17 year in a patriarchal cult - 0.
And it was like nothing for him to do it. That much force would have seen my normal pedicurist up onto her open-toed, clear-heeled, bedazzled platform pumps, putting her tiny little delicate back into it. Him? He was like tra-la-la-lala Jeff Foxworthy sure is funny NOMORECALLOUSESFORYOU tra-la-la-lala.
And that's when my guard came a'tumblin' down.
Next thing I know I can't even feel my calves because they are now fucking lotus flower salt scented jello and some show that I can only guess is called Are You Smarter Than a Christian is on the tv - and I am p0wing the fucking shit out of it. I realize this whole thing is going down exactly like Misery but I can't make it stop because this crazy ass man has me by the feet and if I do not spell Nebuchadnezzar correctly in the next 15 seconds he is going to cut me.
Did I mention I also ate kale for the first time yesterday? That's an experience I don't intend to repeat except to, like, save the world n' stuff.