Tonight, we’re not having a recipe post. Today, the recipe is the invitees. Auds at Barking Mad has asked us to host a dinner party on our blogs and invite 10 bloggers to come over. I am all over that shit, yo. Especially since Andrea at Little Bald Doctors and Dana at Supernanny, Where Are You have already asked me over and I’m plum out of anymore dishes to bring.

I am supposed to invite 10 people I’d really like to meet in real life, so I am assuming I should omit those I already HAVE met in real life, for the sake of fairness. I had to wiggle some ladies in there, but for mostly unselfish reasons.

1. I’m trying to do this by menu item. First, in charge of the wine, I’m inviting Ron at Ducks Mahal. I don’t know if Ron know thing one about wine, but I’m betting he’s hysterical all drunk. He also gets to say grace before dinner, because there’s something about him that makes me really want to go to church again. Ron is my kind of believer.

2. With some seriously refined appetizers, I’m inviting Andrea at Mommy’s Martini. She made some dip for Bossy that evidently inspired proposals of marriage or something. Come on over, Andrea. Bring those martini recipes, too. I know they’ll be as elegant as she is. Andrea will sit right next to me and correct me every time I drop a semi-colon in; the wrong place. And then we will laugh our asses off over almost nothing at all, like we were 13 or something.

3. I am recruiting Chris Cactus (and of course, his wife Beth) to bring the juice boxes and the Baskin Robbins cake for the kids. He knows why. I am inviting them because, well, I kind of want to hook up at least one of their kids with mine. You’ve got to at least try to pick your co-grandparents, right? I also secretly hope Chris will make a mixtape for us to listen to. Chris will be in charge of making sure the bathroom is clear of all freaks, short, mythical, outlandish or just flat out wrong before we enter. He will take 5,439 pictures of the party, and he will be the focal point of 5,438 of them. And that will be just fine.

4. I am inviting Jenny, the Bloggess, because as much as I lovelovelove her and no bathroom counter will ever feel the same again to me *wink*, my husband is majorly in crush with her, and he may not survive much longer if he doesn’t meet her. I’m asking her to bring some oxygen tanks for the rest of you who don’t know yet that you have to remember to breath when she talks, because she doesn’t, at all, and you won’t either. Just like when your husband snores all night and then stops, and you wake up almost but not quite totally asphyxiated. Fucker.

5. Laskigal is bringing the main dish. Why, I don’t know. I just get the feeling she could make a really great main dish. She is just really great, kind of all the time. I think she’ll make something interesting, but not at all pretentious, with just enough but not too many ingredients, and there will totally be something deep and spicy about what she makes. None of us will be able to quite put our finger on what it is, but we’ll want more. After her course is over, we’ll all be really settled and content. Because she’s awesome like that.

6. Kori is going to get stuck making some side dish, and she’ll do it, and she’ll roll her eyes at me the whole time for making her do it, and we’ll sit across the table from each other all night and make really quiet, subtle, inappropriate jokes that no one else will catch. We’ll go outside together for a smoke, and we’ll have some earth shattering heart to heart chat, and then we’ll go back in and be all cool and collected and sly. She will tell stories over dinner, she’ll be really monotone and even and calm about those stories, and the rest of us will sit with our jaws on the floor while she speaks, and we will all be in total awe of her come the end of the night. Then she’ll make a blow job reference. And THAT is why she’s invited. I can’t be the ONLY one making them.

7. I am inviting the Suburban Kamikaze, because god knows someone has to get her out of the mid-west, even if for only one night. She’s in charge of after-dinner drinks, and I fully expect them to have those snow-ball ice circles in them, sister. She will wear really hot underwear, and she will say things that everyone else in the room is thinking, kind of, but she will say them in a way none of us would ever think to, and we all will lose our will to speak by the end of the night, and just let her do it for us. We won’t be sad about it, either; she’s that good.

8. I am asking Momo-Fali to bring the beer, so long as it isn’t Natural Light. She will be in charge of making sure there are no germs left on the counter, on our hands, in the air, or around most of the major metropolitan area. Afterward, she will write a 4 sentence recap of our dinner party, and it will be the most funny, brilliant thing anyone has ever read, and the entire night will be summed up perfectly. And her son will have labeled us all neatly before the night is through.

9. Polly, or Lesbian Dad as you may know her, is coming with Ms. Lesbian Mom and their children, who are so beautiful we will all be rendered instantly sterile, because what’s the point, really? She’s bringing dessert. She will talk of deep things, of stories that need to be told, with words that must be said, and we will all cry and be changed and forever moved, and then I will take the dessert she brings and lick it off of her. And I think she’ll let me.

10. I am asking Sleep Deprivation Ninja to come, and we won’t actually notice he’s there, but occasionally we’ll see a dark, shrouded blur whiz past us and hear a little chuckle adrift in the air. Just image how fast the dishes will be cleared from the table after dinner. Every dinner party needs a ninja in attendance. Just sayin’.

11. Fuck it, rules were made to be broken. RedNeck Mommy is coming, but you wouldn’t know it unless I told you, because we look exactly alike, are almost exactly the same age, have almost exactly the same story, both have nose rings, are both Canadian, and both have so many kids we’re about to have to move into a shoe. We will just trade places all night, never being in the same room at the same time, and you’ll be slightly confused, but you’ll get over it, because she’s totally enchanting like that.

And that’s all I’m allowed to invite, which kind of sucks, because I’d like to ask a whole lotta other people over. Maybe we’ll have to do it again sometime.

Updated for what I suspect isn’t the last time:

What’s a party without some crashers? NO KINDA PARTY, that’s what. Carolyn is crashing, and it’s going to cause a bit of discord in her home because, well, she lives with a possessive jerk. *wink* She better not bring her kids, though, because we’re serving Paranta and, well, go see for yourself. I have it on good authority that her kids will NOT be amused.

Ree is sneaking in with Andrea, and she’s bringing the KY. Yep, I said it.

We’ll see who else shows up. I’d better bust out some dixie plates.

Wow. It’s been a really long time since I’ve done a recipe. Like, over a month long, and I wouldn’t exactly say that last one counted or anything. Before I get started, though, Jeremy at Discovering Dads threw down the gauntlet, saying that I could actually stand to lose the contest that I wasn’t intentionally winning in the first place. So yeah, maybe you want to click that link and show him what we’re all made of? Because it’s not like I don’t know the crazy kids at Lijit personally, or like I didn’t already get a t-shirt from them for simply being trampy enough to flash them my boobies, but I really can’t stand down a dare.

Moving on…

Teriyaki skewers. Um, yum and stuff? My kids will eat anything so long as it’s on a stick. Me, too, actually. Food on a stick is awesome; I don’t care who says what. These little beauties are just chicken cut into chucks, soaked in a teriyaki marinade. They’re threaded on a skewer (that’s been soaking in water for an hour so it won’t burn, because I am too cheap forgetful to ever actually buy metal skewers) with cherry tomatoes, pineapple chunks and mushrooms for the big kids. Ideally there’d be some red onion, too, but y’all know what color my hair is. Onions were on the list, scratched off the list when I came home, but not actually in the basket. Ugh.

Simmer down, yo. I know, I know. Then I poured a bunch of pineapple juice over them. We love us some pineapple juice around here, and not just because of this. They got sprinkled with salt and pepper and were left to sit for just a little, until they got closer to room temp. And then, after a light olive oil brushing….

Feel free to tell me you want to have my babies, I can handle it. They grilled over medium high heat until they looked done. I have no clue how long that took, sorry. I whipped up a little couscous and then our judges had their say.

Apparently, 1of3 thought they were so good he had to wear his brain bucket to the table to keep his head from exploding.

And apparently, 2of3 hasn’t worn his brain bucket enough. Don’t listen to him; they were da bomb, baby. And done, start to finish, in under 30 minutes.

(Not pictured: 3of3. Who had Spaghettios and a temper tantrum. Whatever, hoser.)

How to get Kraft Dinner served actually for dinner in 20 easy steps:

1. Send daddy out of town for 4 days. Make sure he doesn’t get one single day off of work for 2 weeks straight upon his return.
2. Find a way to give your little sister shingles. While your dad’s out of town.
3. Decide that $10 isn’t worth it anymore, and stop doing ALL of your chores.
4. Make sure dad works late every night, keeping mom up past midnight every night waiting for him to get home. Get her on a good schedule.
5. But still need to be dressed, fed and at school by 8:55 am every day.
6. Work it out so that your little brothers gets good and beat up on the playground at school.
7. Guilt your mother into thinking that it’s somehow her fault for making him the middle child, and then send her to Science World to try & buy his love. After a long meeting with the principal, of course.
8. All with your little sister.
9. Who is two.
10. At naptime.
11. Go on a field trip while mom and siblings are at Science World. Smash your foot into something.
12. Go to doctor’s office, then to the Radiology department at hospital with mom, little brother, and little sister.
13. Who is two.
14. At bedtime.
15. Feed your little sister a rock of crack cocaine, ensuring that she will not sleep anytime before 2 am.
16. Drag your mom out of bed the next morning for Little League practice, make her take you to get crutches, and then take all of you for haircuts, and then the grocery store, all without dad but with your little brother and your little sister.
17. Who is two.
18. Over lunchtime and naptime.
19. Remind your almost-comatose mother at 6:30pm that children have to eat in order to continue not dying.
20. Feast upon your Kraft Dinner.

My husband has a Columbia House membership. He’s had it long enough that we are through with out “commitment” and could either cancel the membership or order 8,493 more movies that we don’t have room to store for $.02/each. Or, there is always route three…the don’t cancel, don’t order any, but don’t reply to the card they send in the mail and let $62 movie after $62 movie show up in the mailbox.

Guess which route we’ve taken. Go on, guess.

So, just the other day, this DVD rolls up in my mailbox. Alvin and, oh yes, those glorious Chipmunks. My father once gave my brother a tape of the Alvin & the Chipmunks album that was popular in the 80′s, but clever guy that he was did so over an old Blue Oyster Cult tape. If you know any one thing about my mother, you’re giggling right now. She made us unscrew the cassette casing, melt the tape, chop up the plastic housing, melt that, and them beat the pile of ashes with baseball bats until she was certain that no one could reconstruct it and have Satan Himself coming out of their speakers.

Needless to say, I have conflicting feelings about them. I mean, the thought of them, and the great Cassette Tape Possession and Subsequent Exorcism Thereof Debacle of the mid 1980′s is seriously one of my favorite childhood memories (yes, I had an unacceptable sense of humour even then) but yeah; shrieking rodents? Not cool. It hurts.

So, just the other day, this DVD rolls up in my mailbox. The minions? DEEEE-lighted. Squeals of glee echoed through the halls of Chez Mr Lady and before I knew it, they’d gotten the thing out of its cardboard box, unwrapped it, gotten all of those freaking ridiculous plastic strips off (I managed a video store for A YEAR and still can’t do that) and it was on the tube.

Yesterday, I was sick as a dog. So I caved and let them have tv on a school-night. Today is Friday. Know what that means? That means as soon as school is over, it’s TV free-for-all. We have not gone more than 5.3 seconds without the all new, Jason-Lee-Broke-My-Heart-And-Made-Me-Cry, computer animated A & the C movie playing, on 50-something Glorious inches.

Um, help?

So, now that this stupid movie has shown up in my mailbox that I didn’t order, don’t want, and wasn’t required to get, I hate all things chipmunk. Our recipes this week? How to help Mr Lady with her little problem.

From The Bob Rivers Show:

3 Bean Chipmunk Chili

First, you are going to need about 10 or so fat chipmunks – best thing to do is capture the little buggers and fatten them up. This way you can make sure they are disease free. Also, you can monitor what they eat. Unless you don’t care then, just go out and hunt down 10-15 chipmunks. If you use a shotgun, please make sure to remove all shot from the meat first. IF you use any “Road Meat” chipmunks, please make sure they are fresh kills – makes it easier to peel the fur off.

Use a cat capture cage, bait it with peanut butter. Once you have captured about 10 to 15 of the little guys, set them up in large cages (each cage should measure 4 x 4 at least). Do not put more than 1 or 2 to a cage. Give them bird houses to live out of.

Now for the next 2-3 months, feed those little guys. Plenty of veggies, (carrots apples, etc.) nuts, (walnuts, etc. shells off) fresh water (put some vitamins into the water), oatmeal. Keep the cages clean.

When the day comes, just shoot the little buggers right there in their cages. Make sure you decapitate them right after and strip their fur off. Hold them upside down to make sure all the blood runs out.

Save the fur – you can make a nice pair of gloves with them later.

With a sharp knife, de-bone the little guys, but save the bones. Once you have your pile of bones, put them in a 2 qt pan and boil them. You will use this as your stock for your chili.

Chop up meat into fine pieces or grind.

2 lb. Chipmunk meat pieces
1 small yellow onion, chopped
1 small green pepper, chopped
2 cans (16 oz. each) Dark Red Kidney Beans, undrained
2 cans (16 oz. each) Pinto Beans, undrained
2 cans (16 oz. each) Black Beans, undrained
1 can (14.5 oz.) diced tomatoes, undrained
1 can (6 oz.) tomato paste
2 envelopes chili seasoning mix
1/2 tsp. Ground Cinnamon
1-1/4 cups Sour Cream

Use your broth you made from the bones to boil the meat in a large sauce pot on low heat.

Make sure you do this slowly, use a slow cooker to make the meat tender. Cook for about 3 hours on low heat. Then let it set for 30 minutes and skim off any fat.

Add onion and green pepper; cook until tender, bring up to a low boil on medium heat, stirring frequently.

ADD all remaining ingredients except sour cream; mix well. Bring to boil; cover. Reduce heat to medium-low; simmer 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.

SPOON into soup bowls; top with sour cream.

And don’t forget about Dessert! From Cooks.com, and no, I’m not kidding. I really found it there.

Turnpike Turnover Dessert

6 chipmunks
Tube of puff pastry dough
1/4 c. powdered sugar
1/4 c. milk
6 acorns

Skin and cut chipmunks. Wash and place acorn in each mouth. Divide pastry, pat flat, place chipmunk on pastry and roll like taco. Brush with milk. Sprinkle with sugar. Bake at 375 degrees for 40 minutes on cookie sheet.

So, yeah, I have lost yet another set of car keys. And because of that, the scrumdidalyicious dinner I was going to make tonight, take pictures of, and tease you with will have to become Sunday dinner. But being a giving kind of gal, I’ll still tell you how to make it.

Thai Cobb Salad, ala The Wynkoop Brewery.  Thanks, Molly.  I knew I was forgetting something.  Because it’s summer, yo, and salads are King.

Okay, so you grill some chicken and cook some rice noodles. That’s all the cooking you have to do. Toss together avocado slices, tomatoes wedges, boiled eggs (optional, I just like’m), bacon crumbles and spicy/sweet peanuts. You’re going for a nice chunky salad, so don’t go dicing all your veggies. It looses the effect. (How exactly does one loose and effect, I’d like to know? The same was someone LOSES an effect or RUINS an effect or fails to consult a Thesaurus? Yeah.) Mix, in a bowl, regular old salad lettuce (I use 1/2 bag of the Spring Mix stuff and 1/2 bag of the Italian mix stuff) and toss that with a dressing. I’m still looking for the “right” thai dressing, but I’ve found that Renee’s Japanese Ginger works just fine until I get it right. (Why yes, I am aware I could just make one, why do you ask?) On a nice, big plate, put some lettuce, top that with some rice noodles, and then top THAT with a whole bunch of the mixed toppings. Drizzle a little more dressing on and serve.

Yummy? Like, to the MAX and shit, yo. Maybe some bread on the side? Oh yeah, baby.

So, what did YOU have for dinner?