The Donor: A poor young man who was bludgeoned in the head with a bottle of whiskey in 1996 and drug into the front seat of a Nissan Maxima, where some grown-up activities ensued and the end of his single, childless days began.

The Incubator: Also known as Trampy Girl that got knocked up and trapped poor donor against his will. Talents include cooking food that doesn’t totally suck, running a PTA, testing the theory that dishes should be washed every day.

1of3: The totally prevented child. Clearly, he is way smarter that a diaphram, spermicide, a pill, the condom and the pull-out method.

2of3: The only planned child. Talents include swearing in context, asking strangers for money, being the wingman, charming the pants off of anyone. I’m betting he’s the first one that makes me a gramma.

3of3: or Whoops. Also conceived during a period where we do doing everything in our power to NOT have more kids. Completely ruined my plans for college/day drinking/world domination. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Also starring:

Gigi: God Grandmother. The Incubator’s BFF. Known by 4 different titles in my house, loved by everyone the same.

Molly: Incubator’s other BFF. Much better parent. Has better taste in music. Can handle booze better. Maybe you should just read her blog instead.

Marge: Mr Lady’s High School Sweetheart. Fellow Keeper of the Cheese, Perpetrator of the CLF, photographer, God O’ Editors. Celebrates St. Joe’s day religiously. Is nifty, especially in green.

Leslie Dillinger: Mr Lady’s stalkee. Internet-o-BFF. The two nights Mr Lady and Leslie have actually spent together are merely blurred memories, both involving hangovers. You should be thinking about asking Leslie for her autograph now, before it’s too late. She’s gonna be BIG.

Casa: Mr Lady’s freaking soulmate. Currently living la vida no denaro in sunny Costa Rica. Recently made Mr Lady one shiny new godson.