I guess i'll keep on rambling'

Standing in the kitchen, Ca and I were talking about the boys and how much they've grown since she's last seen them. We talked about school and sports, and how much having a parent home with them to work on reading and math and such had helped them blossom. That's about when she said that it's a good thing I'm not a feminist, and followed it up with "it's a damn shame what feminism has done to the American family".

Hmmm. Am I not a feminist? I supposed I don't exactly come across as one. Though I have been known to hold a job here or there, since the boys my main job has been right here. I do all the cooking, all the laundry, handle every school and doctor related event, and so on. My husband has cooked dinner maybe once this year. I have absolutely no control over anything financial. I have become that stupid little thing I see on walmart t-shirts. I am a domestic goddess.

But still, does that make me not a feminist? I don't know about that.

Here's what I do know. I never wanted kids. I wanted the career and the boyfriend(s) and the late nights with martinis and the Sunday mornings with coffee and cigarettes and Times crossword. I never imagined being married. I never thought I'd be able to change a diaper in less than a minute. My life was exactly where I wanted it.

Enter kid #1.

Something in me just, well, went away. The crazy, frantic drive to go go go just wasn't there anymore. I felt that the most important thing I could be doing was raising this child the right way. And in my mind, the right way meant staying home with him. I felt more strongly than I had felt anything before that the most valuable contribution I could make to his life would be my presence in it.

You see, I want my boys to understand what a woman is capable of. I want them to realize that a woman can be strong, and very important, and not necessarily bring home a paycheck to be those things. I want them to understand the importance of parenting, of spouses supporting each other, and of somebody taking charge of things. They know that daddy goes to work, and he is the boss. But they don't see it happen. They see me do it. They know that a family is like a team, and everyone has a role, and I am the coach. I am here to point everyone in the right direction.

I know how important I am here. I also know that if my situation changed, and I couldn't stay at home, I would be perfectly ok. I don't know, but I think that qualifies as a feminist view.

Now, I do agree with her comment about feminism and the decline of "the family". There is still quite the stigma attached to not having a career as a woman today. I know how it feels to be looked down on for what I do. I do understand the feelings that come along with this territory, the loss of self worth, the loneliness. I feel pressure all the time to do something with my life. It's truly difficult to get past all that and remember that I am doing something. It's just not really accepted yet.

I think that I am lucky to have a spouse that feels what I do is important. I think it's a good thing that I am a feminist. I know where I am needed. And that is where I will serve.

side note: while I typed this, B read to T until he feel asleep. He is seriously the greatest big brother of all time.