two posts in one day

It's a Christmas miracle!

So, Friday. Friday, my friends are hosting this Hanukkah party thing, which most of our PTA will be attending. To my friends I would like to offer some advice...if your last name is pronounced the same way as one of the cruder words for a certain part of the mail* anatomy, maybe naming your kid Maya isn't the nicest thing to do. I'm just saying.


The party. The party is semi-formal, which I read to mean dark suits and cocktail dresses, maybe not floor-length dresses, but nice. I can totally do that.

The dress I am going to attempt to wear is a beautiful little number hand made by my friend the seamstress, with a flowy, ivory, just below the knee, empire-waste bottom half and a top half with, um, no back and the front made of a fairly deconstructed black fabric intertwined with black leather straps. It's industrial, in a virginal sort of way.

This dress is WAY hotter than I am.

I have two things I need help with.

One: Do I go with the flesh toned make-up and bright red lipstick, and pair it with bright red high heels, or do I go with dark dark make-up, no lipstick and black high heels? I have a date to this shin-dig (who may or may not back out at the last minute) and though he is the kind of date who will barely be willing to put out a handshake, I do know that he kind of has a shoe thing and so the proper shoes are key to the outfit. And the shoes will dictate the make-up. So choose wisely. Goth or Amsterdam. Your call.

Two: Since the baby stopped nursing a few months back, my dearest boobies have returned to a size that no longer warrants them a place in the axis around our planet's sun. This is wonderful news as far as the dress goes, because the front of it dips kind of, well, low. Like rib-cage low. So yeah! for just enough but not too much cleavage. Except that they don't exactly like to stay up here where they should. They say the air is too thin, but I just think they're lazy. Point is, they don't do so well without a little support, if you know what I mean. And backless low cut hooker dress doesn't seem to want to play along with the bras I keep introducing it to. Do I bust out the staple gun? Anyone have a miracle bra suggestion?

I should add that the hair will be up and I am going jewelry-less, in case that influences your advice.

Now click on the comment box and help a girl out. Please.

*see comments section to continue hazing yours truly for my utter lack of knowledge about anything slightly male. MALE. See, it's all coming back to me now.