Who comes up with these things anyway?
Friday, December 14, 2007 at 11:03AM | Mr Lady Really? A meme? About spanking? Really?
Well, Kelly tagged me for it, and I sorta totally, with all of my heart, more that Johny Depp OR Eminem, heart Kelly, so I'll do it.
The question is whether or not I spank my kids. The answer is I have spanked them, I will in all likelihood spank them again. Am I a spanker? By no means. I will spank when spanking is called for.
I am all about appropriate discipline. I have no interest in being these kids' friend; they HAVE those, they NEED a parent. I have rules, much like their teachers and bosses and girlfriends and roommates and mothers-in-law will. Those rules will be followed. Period. No one's negotiating with them in the real world and I'm not doing them any favors by caving to their whims now.
That sounds really bitchy.
We come to the house rules together. We talk about it, me explaining the whys and them stating their opinions. We settle, and that is final. Rules are not to be broken. It's a democracy; I am the president.
Spanking is a last resort round here, and I so rarely have to come to it that they can never remember what one is like, and they are totally afraid of them. The last one 2of3 got....after it was over, he said, "That's it? I thought it was gonna be MUCH worse." See, it's all about the build up.
Sometimes, I certain cases, I think it is important for these kids to be just a little afraid of me. You know, like y'all are with your god. You love him, but you fear him. THAT'S the fear I'm talking about. My kids have to know that I am in charge and that I am to be listened to, otherwise I've got boys running around after dark getting kidnapped and raped and murdered and stuff. They're almost big enough to overpower me if they want.
I have this spanking thing down to a science. I didn't always, though. Let me tell you an awful story for a second...
I was spanked as a kid, and not just paddled on the butt; my parents stopped when they drew blood. Naturally, I wasn't ever going to spank my kids. And then one night, when 1of3 was really close to 2, we had THAT night. You know, that night when your kid hates you and will make you miserable at any cost? Well, I lost it. Completely. I screamed, I hit, I threw him across the room. I. Threw. My. Son. Right then, I grabbed the house keys and the phone, walked outside, locked him in the house and me out of it, called his dad at work and told him to come home.
We had the talk that night. I am sure Josh knew it was coming; he knows my past and gets it that I just did what came natural, what I learned to do. Now it was time to unlearn it. We made rules for spankings. All night long we sat, hashing it out. This is what we came up with:
Spankings can be no more than 3 swats. They can be butt only. CLOTHED butt only. They can never happen right at naughty-time. There must be notice given, like this, "Dude, you totally screwed up when you (insert horrid thing here) and you will have to get a spanking for it. Go in your room and I will see you in 5 minutes." Once notice is given, the spanking MUST happen. It's the ace in our deck. We have to be consistent.
That last incident, the one I linked to up there, when 2of3 decided to disappear for a whole evening, he certainly got a spanking. First, he went out with his dad for an hour. It gave me time to think long and hard about what to do. When he got his spanking, we talked for a long time about it, and I made sure he knew that I hated hated hated it, but it had to be done. He cried, not in fear or pain, but in shame. He knew he had disappointed, and he knew he was hurting me, too. That is more effective than any grounding or spanking or anything I could think up. He took his 3 swats, laid right out over my knee all old-school, and that was that.
Shit works, yo.
Spankings are not violent in my home. They are not painful or in anger. They are just necessary discipline at certain points. They are not for little things, they are for very VERY large infractions, usually involving safety. There are certainly little swats on the butt when attitudes get stinky, and there has been a bad-word or utter-disrespect pop on the mouth here and there. The toddler will get her hand slapped when she colors all over the couch with a Sharpie. The first time my kid tells me to fuck off, I guarantee he will get knocked in the teeth. But, as a rule, we do not hit. They know that if it comes to a smack, they have seriously screwed up.
Most of the people I have read who have done this have very small children, and most of you think you will never, ever spank. I agree that hitting/spanking/swatting a very small child is as effective as rationalizing with a toilet. But when they get a little older, when they start feeling those hormones a bit, when defiance goes from 'I don't want to drink my milk' to 'I would really like to play in traffic with random thug kids and poke at dead rats with sticks', well, something more than a time out is called for. And my children are fine, rational, very loved, very confident and secure young men. And yes, they have been spanked. And I think that every time, it has been the right choice.
Miche does not spare the rod. Jo-N wants to be her children's best friend. Tot's Mom spares the rod and believes in patience. Huckdoll spares the rod and believes there are more effective yet gentle ways to discipline than spanking when dealing with kids. Kelly at Ordinary Art has a three-step approach that does not always work but leaves tiny tushes mark free. Mr Lady has spanked, will probably spank again, but only when necessary.
Reader Comments (13)
i used to get spanked. we were warned...just like you do in your house. my dad would go into his bedroom for a couple of minutes and then...he'd call either my sister or myself in, to face our punishment. it was bare bottomed, though...
as a mom, i've spanked...and, i've thrown my oldest son...across the room, too! it was awful. it don't remember why...i just remember him making me so mad that, it was my knee jerk response. i still have guilt and probably always will.
but...spanking...yes, i do it. my son ran into the street...my youngest one...i spanked the crap out of him...i figured, better to have his bottom beaten than get hit by a car!
this is quite a meme...
You are right. We should never say never. I do have one problem with your post, though. What's up with the "Sorta" heart me. I thought we meant more to each other than that. I'm crushed :)
Peace out!
SSP, the thing with being a human and not a parent robot, is that we all screw up. I have also thrown shit at my husband. I'm not proud of that, either, but it happens. It's all about making it better the next time. And dude, what's your email? I can't find it on your blog.
We were smacked as children, but I could probably count the times it happened on both hands. I deserved it everytime and the shame was heaps worse than anything else.
Mum's thing was a smack behind the knees. ouch.
Holy shit Mr. Lady! That was really well put.
I totally agree with Kelly, never say never and I totally agree with you about the fact most of us who have done this meme have toddlers we can't imagine spanking, especially me.
That being said, I don't want to be my kid's best friend either. I lived with my dad ages 15 - 20 and out of sheer fear of raising a teenage daughter, he became my best friend.
In those five years, I got in shiteloads of things I hope my daughters never even hear about.
I'm totally with you on that.
Now. That's what I'm talking about.
my email? i don't know...it should be on my profile thingamabob!
I heart this post.
I totally agree that spanking is a post-four issue, and has to be done with a cold heart, so to speak. This is how I was spanked when I ran off with my neighborhood friends at five years old, a la 2of3.
With The Kid, spanking doesn't work. Hitting, regardless of how cold or ultimately symbolic as opposed to painful, is worthless with The Kid. But the 'beating' into his head that I am disappointed or that I know he knows better, that happens. It just happens with talking and not spanking.
I'm not against spanking, it's just counterintuitive to the way I have be be a parent to The Kid, you know? He's a special case. Ugh.
Interesting. I have to relate it to having a dog, which is TOTALLY different than having a kid, but I never thought I would ever spank even the dog, but I have, and it's almost always totally because of safety issues, or when he tries to attack other dogs. I don't know if this will translate when/if I have kids. I'll let you know.
aw. i just read this...and i see a lot of myself in your story/background alluding, etc. the problem being that i have a toddler (nearly 17 months) and she sometimes pushes the buttons so strongly, i feel that urge. and that's why i am still saying no spanking, ever. cuz the thought of giving myself permission to unleash my childhood, even in part...it's too scary to me.
BUT i will say, your post has also made me wonder if i could be able to be all controlled and measured about it, like you've done. babbling, sorry, but this was a really good post.
tender spot. gotta weigh in here. your story of 1of3 at almost 2 - well, same as mine nearly exactly (minus the throwing). Ok, D & I's rules:
1)NEVER when we are angry
2)ONLY mom or dad (not even grandparents)
3)Must be a warning first and if we say we will then it happens
4)the punishment is the end, no more lectures and guilt crap later.
- oh, and goes without saying - hand only, no implements of torture or destruction.
One more thing. Aaron says I need to tell you this part. implements of implied doom are often employed. mind you the kid is 9 and understands these are not a real threat.
Ok, so hanging in my hallway is one of those bread-baking boards that you move loaves in and out of the fire with (think ancient times). We call it the "Board Of Education". We never take it off the wall or even say it will be used. it's just there and it's name suffices.
My parents had an old dead chollo cactus stick. it was kept up over the doorbell chime in the hall. again, never used, just there to entertain the worst ideas our imaginations could conjure.