v-day sounds an awful lot like vd, don't you think?

I wanted to go on about how much I abhor this stupid holiday, but a big, blue-eyed little almost seven-year-old hugged my legs this morning while I brushed my teeth, shot me a humongous, toothless grin and asked me to be his. And so, now even I like Valentine's day. In moderation.

Instead, I offer you 5 of the very worst gifts you could give your sweet butter love today.

1. A Back Razor:
If your dude has back hair, that means that A) he has lots of testosterone, and we all like that and B) that he is self-conscious about it. Don't rub it in. It's just, well, mean.

2: Any variety of salve or cream, especially this one:

I have never met a man who could be early for anything. I suppose you could look at this little problem as A) a compliment or B) one step closer to punctuality.

3. Edible Undies. Ones purchased at 7-11 are doubly wrong.

4. An engagement ring. Do you know that your marriage is a whole like more likely to fail if you proposed/were proposed to on Valentine's Day? I can't recall the statistics, but the failure rate is really high. Wait a week. Then you'll be totally safe.

5. Dinner out. There is nothing (aside from Mother's Day) more horrifying that 2 hours in a restaurant on V-Day. The staff is pissy, everyone is waiting, the kitchen is bombed...it's a nightmare. Stay home. Make fondue. Or eat those undies you picked up at 7-11.

I feel like I should list boxes of chocolate, e-cards, roses or any of those cliched gifts, but to be honest, I kinda like all those things.

Anywho, Happy Day of Tennis Bracelets and Awkward Sexual Encounters. I hope you have fun. I will, for sure. I've got me a very funny Valentine.