;)
Thursday
Jan102008
The 16 year recap
Thursday, January 10, 2008 at 1:14AM
Happy birthday to me.
Oh, it's not really my birthday, but it sorta is.
16 years ago, today, I did something brave. I did something I didn't want to do, and didn't know how to do, and didn't think I could do. I did the one thing that scared me the most; I had an independent thought. I had the very first independent thought I think I'd ever had before that day, and that thought and its subsequent choices have altered my life in a way I don't even want to think about. The alternative was completely unacceptable.
16 years ago today, I gave myself a window to grieve, to wallow, to hurt, and to let it all end. I gave myself exactly as long without that nightmare as I had with it, 16 years, to accept it, maybe forgive it, and to move forward.
16 years ago today I snuck onto an airplane and I left my mother, my family, my church, my friends and my whole world behind. I flew all day and landed one mile higher than I had departed and that moment when I stepped out of the plane into the snow and the dryness and the nighttime sky, my life finally began. I never looked back.
For 16 years I have been working through this thing, this running, this burying of anger. I have cried, I have dreamt murderous dreams in shades of red that I have never seen with my waking eyes, I have yelled and lashed out, and each day I have grown.
Today, I almost forgot about it. This thing, the very thing that formed me and made me what I am today, it doesn't own me anymore. It is a book that I read a long time ago. It is a nightmare after too much wine and chocolate. It is of almost no consequence at all.
I had 16 years with my family, and I have had 16 years without them. I hardly remember them anymore, and I don't miss them, and I almost never think about them anymore. I can't remember the smell of my mother or the sound of her voice. My brother and sister will never be older than 13. My friends will always have zits and braces.
I am totally ok with that.
Maybe tomorrow there will be more. You know, details. For tonight, raise a glass to the little girl who thought she could.
She could. And she did.
Oh, it's not really my birthday, but it sorta is.
16 years ago, today, I did something brave. I did something I didn't want to do, and didn't know how to do, and didn't think I could do. I did the one thing that scared me the most; I had an independent thought. I had the very first independent thought I think I'd ever had before that day, and that thought and its subsequent choices have altered my life in a way I don't even want to think about. The alternative was completely unacceptable.
16 years ago today, I gave myself a window to grieve, to wallow, to hurt, and to let it all end. I gave myself exactly as long without that nightmare as I had with it, 16 years, to accept it, maybe forgive it, and to move forward.
16 years ago today I snuck onto an airplane and I left my mother, my family, my church, my friends and my whole world behind. I flew all day and landed one mile higher than I had departed and that moment when I stepped out of the plane into the snow and the dryness and the nighttime sky, my life finally began. I never looked back.
For 16 years I have been working through this thing, this running, this burying of anger. I have cried, I have dreamt murderous dreams in shades of red that I have never seen with my waking eyes, I have yelled and lashed out, and each day I have grown.
Today, I almost forgot about it. This thing, the very thing that formed me and made me what I am today, it doesn't own me anymore. It is a book that I read a long time ago. It is a nightmare after too much wine and chocolate. It is of almost no consequence at all.
I had 16 years with my family, and I have had 16 years without them. I hardly remember them anymore, and I don't miss them, and I almost never think about them anymore. I can't remember the smell of my mother or the sound of her voice. My brother and sister will never be older than 13. My friends will always have zits and braces.
I am totally ok with that.
Maybe tomorrow there will be more. You know, details. For tonight, raise a glass to the little girl who thought she could.
She could. And she did.
Reader Comments (16)
hokey, but happy (re)birth day. are you getting a car for your sweet sixteen?
Holy crap, Mr. Lady. That was intense.
PS. Glad being raised to the little girl that could and did. Seriously.
That made me tear up a little. Happy Anniversary. Strong women rock.
*chink*
So glad you did what you did.
Wow! I'm now intrigued, but glad you did what you did. You sound like an amazingly strong woman.
Of course you did. You are a woman of grit, and blood, and bone truth. Here is to you!
Such a bittersweet memory! I want to cry for her, but celebrate with you. Sounds like you made the right choice. Not many of us can say we did that at 16.
A toast to your bravery!
You have so much in you that admire and love. Best wishes to you, my bloggy girlfriend. I'll raise a toast to you, your courage, your devotion, your heart....
It was the hardest thing, and the right thing, and I am ever so grateful you did. You saved me from having a hideous normal high school experience. I would have *been* one of the aminals - yikes!
If this doesn't hyperlink, copy and paste the url below into your browser.
http://picasaweb.google.com/MidsummerLane/ShannonCo/photo?authkey=ZBvEIzxM_Ik#5153859554099145154
Here's to broken cycles. May your children never need to be born again. Cheers!
Wow - very intense and very intriguing. Sounds like you are a strong, strong woman. I'd love to hear more...
Intense it was. My hats off to you and my glass raised. I stayed in mine. Tried to leave a few times but kept finding myself back for various reasons. 'Course, I'm still fighting my demons but I wouldn't change anything now.
Wow. Just wow.
Happy Birthday, Mr. Lady. Welcome to the rest of your life.
as we say in hebrew...Mazel Tov! Congratulations. Sometimes, we have to cut our losses, to save ourselves!
Sorry you had such a tough start to life, but glad you are celebrating your re-birth!!!