Friday
Jan112008
Survival of the Fittest
Friday, January 11, 2008 at 4:49PM | Mr Lady
What a fun little box!
I wonder what's in it. Could it be chocolates? A new necklace? Some gizmo for the computer? What could it be?
Is the suspense killing you yet?
How ironic. That box contains one un-hamster. It is the new home of the furry friend who recently inhabited these cool digs.
Our dear friend Timex has moved on to the Great Big Wheel in the Sky after only 16 short days with our family.
Santa ought not bring disposable gifts.
Or, at least, he could bring ones that do not expire 2 days after their warranty does. Did you know hamsters come with a 14 day warranty? Neither did I.
Timex was a beloved member of the Mr Lady household. Timex's daddy, 1of3, spent his entire allowance last week on a fun new exercise ball and treats for him. After carefully negotiating their relationship, Timex had finally consented, not two days earlier, to being fed by hand.
Oh, a father's love is a powerful thing. There were 3 failed escape attempts that all ended quietly and peacefully. There was a water change every day. Treats were given daily, too. The food and litter in the cages have been refreshed often. I swear to god my kids didn't kill this hamster.
Dudes, it was totally me.
Remember this post where I gave you a sneak peek at our Christmas stash? Well, my BFF left this nugget of a comment.
Seriously, though, these hamsters that Santa brought? SO WELL TAKEN CARE OF. I have sat up at night, watching them, relishing the fact that my children love them so much and that these boys will never know the pain of pet-death that I knew all to well as a little girl. These hamsters made me happy. I liked them, Timex in particular. I wanted them to live.
It would appear that I am cursed. Animals of the world, be warned: You enter my house at your own risk. No matter my intentions, regardless of my efforts to the contrary, odds are your days are numbered.
I wonder how long poor Mae has left.
I wonder what's in it. Could it be chocolates? A new necklace? Some gizmo for the computer? What could it be?Is the suspense killing you yet?
How ironic. That box contains one un-hamster. It is the new home of the furry friend who recently inhabited these cool digs.
Our dear friend Timex has moved on to the Great Big Wheel in the Sky after only 16 short days with our family.Santa ought not bring disposable gifts.
Or, at least, he could bring ones that do not expire 2 days after their warranty does. Did you know hamsters come with a 14 day warranty? Neither did I.
Timex was a beloved member of the Mr Lady household. Timex's daddy, 1of3, spent his entire allowance last week on a fun new exercise ball and treats for him. After carefully negotiating their relationship, Timex had finally consented, not two days earlier, to being fed by hand.
Oh, a father's love is a powerful thing. There were 3 failed escape attempts that all ended quietly and peacefully. There was a water change every day. Treats were given daily, too. The food and litter in the cages have been refreshed often. I swear to god my kids didn't kill this hamster.Dudes, it was totally me.
Remember this post where I gave you a sneak peek at our Christmas stash? Well, my BFF left this nugget of a comment.
Dear Mr. Lady's Children:See, Molly knows something you don't know. She knows that of all my many talents, hamster-killin' is my greatest strength. She has heard the tales. She has watched me laugh so hard I almost peed, retelling the stories of Mr Lady's adventures in genocide. To date, I have had a hand in, or been within suspicious proximity of, the deaths of:
You mother is about to give you hamsters for Christmas. Under no circumstances are you to relegate Hamster-care to your mother. Do not allow her to feed them, pet them, look at them, or otherwise be alone in the house with them.
I know what you will say, and yes, you have a good, loving mama. She has not lost a single one of you to an air vent or lawnmower. However, she can not state the same fact regarding hamsters. What she hasn't told you is that at 16, she moved to Colorado because she had already killed all of the hamsters in Delaware.
The life you might save are those of your beloved hammies.
God speed.
Love,
Your Auntie Molly
- 9 hamsters (10 now)
- 2 cockatiels
- one lizard
- one salamander
- an entire tank of salt-water fish
- burning to death (2)
- bottle of fantastic brand household cleaner (1)
- learning to swim (1)
- eating own toes due to starvation (1)
- over-feeding, namely over-feeding with acid and alkaline bottles (1 tankful)
- gnawing off own leg to escape cast on it after break-out and subsequent broken bone (1)
- decapitation (1)
Seriously, though, these hamsters that Santa brought? SO WELL TAKEN CARE OF. I have sat up at night, watching them, relishing the fact that my children love them so much and that these boys will never know the pain of pet-death that I knew all to well as a little girl. These hamsters made me happy. I liked them, Timex in particular. I wanted them to live.
It would appear that I am cursed. Animals of the world, be warned: You enter my house at your own risk. No matter my intentions, regardless of my efforts to the contrary, odds are your days are numbered.
I wonder how long poor Mae has left.
Reader Comments (27)
I totally thought it was Lo Mein.
Sorry to hear about the hamster though. Our dog has been around for almost 10 years and I'm starting to freak out about her going to dog heaven soon.
So how did he actually die, then, or am I missing something?
Poor 1 of 3. How's he taking it?
How did it die???
Also, are you going to tell us the story of how the other animals died?
Oh The Humanity!
We used to eat Veronica's Pets..
mmm pet lamb...tasty..
mmm pet rabbit...chicken stew..
cheers Kim
My hamster got hit by a car...
We had a hamster (Smudges) for 3 days. He was super tiny so I think the pet store sold him too early. I was too embarrassed that we didn't go back for my $6 refund.
I'm all for short-lived critters. We welcomed another hamster (Peanut) into our home and that bastard lived FOREVER. Well, forever in hamster years (2.5).
Now, we find ourselves babysitting the critters from my kids' school science lab. Over Christmas, we had Chinchillas which are so much better than hamsters. More soft, less stink. Upon returning them, I asked the science teacher, "Don't these look just like the originals!?!?"
Hopefully, she won't ask me to sit again.
And don't let Molly give you too much grief, just ask her about Princess and Mr. Higgins....
i'm so sorry for your loss. but also, i laughed a lot. i am not good with grief, it seems.
Awww poor Timex and 1of3. :( My condolences to the family.
So pray tell how did they die by fire?
Suicide? Arson? Murder? Playing with matches?
I hope the 2 that burnt to death were in the same incident...
My class had an axelotl that boiled to death when the school burnt down...
Just in the 9 years we have had children:
6 underwater frogs - all suicides
2 goldfish who willed themselves dead
1 slider turtle cooked in own shell
And the average life expectancy for canines is 12 months with us (and we have never been without one, that's right - a dog a year). We give these away. Our current one though is on 20 months and doing great. I am so proud of her.
Also current is a Russian tortoise. These are hard to kill - I mean he may want to die but so far so good.
One more thing:
Is Timex in the Great Chinese Wheel in the Sky? You been here 14 days, you go home now!
At least he has friends in the sky to play with right?
Holy Hell woman.
You're like the harbinger of death for little creatures.
So, are you banned from zoos yet?
Poor little guy.
Oh poor thing!! My daughter just got a hamster for her bday last month but it's still going strong! I haven't really had many unfortunate instances with pets, but I did boil my goldfish, yeah, my brother never lets me forget that one. And I totally believe the whole reason we are able to keep our children alive is because they talk, they let us know when they need food, water, and emergency medical attention. Now if plants did that maybe I'd have some greenery around here!
i have good luck with regular pets like cats and dogs. but, when it comes to hamsters, brine shrimp, goldfish, beta fish thingies, and any other non-traditional-ish pet...i may as well have a wanted sign in every stinking post office!!
p.s...now that I'VE left a comment...feel free to go ahead and do scrolling saturday.
thank you,
the management
Sometimes Izzi is on my last little nerve and I think "Maybe I'll just put her in a little box and ship her up north where she belongs."
NOT ANY MORE. She's not safe here but at least she'll live to tell the story.
All I wanna know is how he got the name Timex...
Nice. I too am Holly Homemaker. I even manage to kill plants. Every one I have had, has died.
[...] replacement hamster after the first one met with an untimely doom: [...]
Decapitation?! Burned to death?! I'm really surprised you didn't add to the list:
- hanging
- drawn and quartered
- waterboarding
- tickle torture
imaginary sarah's last blog post..http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/imaginarybinky/~3/231933643/break.html' rel="nofollow">A break
Good Lord!
No animals for you. No, no, no no animals for you.
zombyboy's last blog post..http://www.resurrectionsong.com/index.php/weblog/three_sunday_reviews_part_3_a_belated_surprise/' rel="nofollow">Three Sunday Reviews, Part 3: A Belated Surprise
[...] you know that even if you are a registered Hamster Offended thrice convicted for at least second degree murder against hamster-kind, all you have to do is walk [...]
[...] Santa tends to pick one item of their humble *cough* lists and that’s what he brings. The rest is up to mom and dad. And as a rule, Santa does not bring video games. Santa has had a long conversation over eggnog and cookies with mom and dad (Skype, yo) and we have all agreed that video games are more of a birthday gift. The elves hate making them anyway. They’re all wirey and circuty and the elves prefer bringing self-powered toys, like bikes and hamsters. [...]